BAEKHYUN'S POV

I stood in front of my window, thinking about how time has passed, about the things I have done, those I haven’t, and how should I keep breathing without really wanting to. Although I had to be honest to myself; I had to say that life hasn’t been so bad after all. I had a job, great friends, a wonderful career, and everything a person could desire. Yes, it has been good… But part of being human is to not like what we have, and to want more.

That’s my problem…that even after owning experience, even after keeping everything I have within me, I still want more…

I want him.

Because it seems that I can’t let him go.

Years have passed, and yet I wonder about him. It may sound silly, it may sound as if I’m sick, but I’m not. I swear that I’m not, even if it seems like it’s otherwise. I do not think of him every day, I do not have him in my mind all day. That is the truth of my life. However, sometimes when I’m completely alone, without anyone disturbing me, or talking to me… he gets into my mind; embracing me slowly without me wanting it, and it makes me yearn for him as if he was the only one that I have ever loved.

But it sounds like I’m entirely alone; and that’s not the truth. I have loved other people besides him, I have been into relationships, and I have even lasted more with them than with him, but they never fulfilled me. They never were as sweet, as unwilling, and as perfect as him. That’s where my issue lies; that even after knowing they are not him, that no matter how much I call for his name in my mind, and sometimes in my sleep…he is not coming back.

He is simply not coming back.

I sighed to myself, sadly smiling to the snow-covered window. I must be really stupid, right? Talking to myself when I should speak about my situations to someone else, but I can’t help it. People judge, people will try to convince you of doing what they think it’s correct, not caring about your feelings or about your opinions. We are egotistical. As simply as that, and it’s within us. That’s why I prefer to sound dense, and to voice out my feelings on my own.

I don’t judge, I don’t assume at myself. Even if I know I’m wrong at times, it’s better that way.

But then I smile, opening the window and letting the snowflakes along with the breeze caress my face. It’s winter; the season he hates the most, but the one I love the most. I have loved it more ever since he parted away from me, because I think of it as lonely as my soul. For those around me, I’m warm and full of happiness, but that is because they haven’t seen my interior; they haven’t seen my frozen heart.

But it’s not like I can tell them to see it, or to feel it. They have to be me to understand. Either way, I have hid it in order to conceal the pain that causes me to lie over and over again.

Because I admit that his departure has deeply affected the sentimental part of life, but it has made me stronger in a way.

I have done everything I wanted to do in order to forget about him. Sometimes this helped me, sometimes it didn’t, but at least he wasn’t in my mind as often as he was. Time passed, the experiences grow older, and so has my love for him. I do acknowledge that the latter hasn’t succumbed, because it lies somewhere within me, and I do still want him and yearn for him, but time doesn’t go in vain. Time heals, and some of my wounds have gone with it.

That doesn’t mean that I have forgotten though.

I remember him each day that passes.

At times, it’s only for a few minutes; like when we used to laugh at a comedy movie, or when we spent the time admiring each other. Occasionally, I recall when we embraced each other to sleep, and when he caressed my face, examining even my imperfections. But once in a while, I get reminded of his kisses, of his smile, of the times we made love… of everything we went through.

And those are the times when I just want to stop my heart.

I really want to stop each of its heartbeats so I can forget him, permanently.

But I can’t leave this world…no matter how much I want to sometimes; I have to keep going, I have to keep walking and to prove life that I can go on, that I can breathe and do what I want. Even if I’m not perfectly fine, I know that I’m a capable man that can change life for the better, and that can look in a positive way at it…

Either with him or without him.

Thanks to the thoughts in my mind, I have totally forgotten that the window is completely open, and that the snow is no longer my face but freezing it as I feel my lips, I believe they’re almost blue, and my eyes smaller than normal. I put my face inside, to the warmer side of life and I close the window, ceasing the cold.

Scaring away my own thoughts with that gesture, I check for the clock on my left wrist as it marked three in the afternoon.

I had to go.

I had to buy something for Xiumin’s birthday party. It was later in the night, and he was waiting for me to go. Sure, a lot  of people were coming, mostly close friends of both of us, but he was my best friend; the one who held me when I silently cried, the one who made me feel better and the one who made me laugh when I needed it the most. He was almost everything to me…almost. Because my other everything was the one I couldn’t have.

Him.

I sighed again, taking the fluffy jacket lying on the racket along with my wallet and keys. The snow was kind of heavy; therefore I knew I couldn’t grab my car. The chances of getting stuck or having an accident were bigger, so it was better to be on the safe side and to take the bus. The train station was paralyzed for three days, or so it had been said by the news because the rails were frozen, and they had to repair them before giving any type of service.

I knew that I might be late, since those who were used to travel by train would go to the bus station as a second option, hence being more crowded than usual, but it had to be done. Xiumin deserved everything in this world, and I was willing to go to Heaven, Hell, or search in the whole university if necessary to buy him what he wanted. He didn’t actually tell me to get anything for him, but I knew him better than that, and I was willing to purchase it anyway.

It’s not like I didn’t have the money to do so.

I covered my face as much as I could, still feeling the iciness in every inch of my face. I put on my gloves, my scarf, and tied up my boots’ laces. I checked that the lights were off, and that I had all I needed in order to go out. When I felt that everything was as I wanted, I opened the door, exited my apartment and locked the door behind me, slowly walking outside.

As I walked, I felt the loneliness surrounding me. I bit my chapped lips, and tried to ignore the embrace as much as I could. There was nothing else I could do but that. Life sometimes wanted to fool with me, but I was stronger than her. I had to be.

I couldn’t let her get the best of me.

Not when I was weak.

I kept walking towards the station, and a few minutes later I arrived. For the first time in a while, I had no thoughts whatsoever in my mind. It felt kind of nice not having anything to think of. Who am I kidding? It felt wonderful to have a blank, white mind.

It blocked me from thinking of him.

I sat down on the chilly bank, rubbing my arms from time to time. The snow was turning so heavy that not even the gloves were preventing the coldness from getting into my body. I decided that after arriving at the shopping mall, I should get some hot coffee. It was going to be a spectacular way of maintaining myself warm, and I needed it badly. I was kind of addict to that succulent taste, and I forgot to prepare it earlier in the morning.

I yawned, surprisingly being sleepy. Nowdays, I have been so busy at my job that if I have slept 3-4 hours every day, I just might be exaggerating. I don’t regret it, though. I could design those buildings that I was stuck with for months, and boost my energy to no end. It assisted me as well by keeping me focused, not letting him roam in my mind.

Ten minutes passed, and the bus made its stop.

I simply stood up, passed the card in the machine, and took my seat. Only four to five people were inside, making it more comfortable than I thought. It seemed as people were running away from the cold. I laughed at myself, imagining people inside their houses, dealing with inner feelings as they thought of going out, but not wanting to because it was freezing outside. I was about to close my eyes, to let my soul wander around when my cellphone began to intensively vibrate inside my pockets.

I took it out, and opened it without hesitation. “Hello?”

“Baek-ah!”  the other voice answered, and I smiled, perfectly knowing who it was.

“Hi hyung,” I responded, earning a laugh from my best friend.

“Yah, don’t call me hyung!” he said, and my smile widened. “It makes me feel old, you know?”

“It’s not like you seem your age,” I replied, placing my eyes on the bus’ windows, seeing the falling snow.

“That’s true,” he said with a laugh. “Where are you, though?”

“Out,” was my reply. I wasn’t going to tell him I was about to buy his present.

“With this snow?” he asked, completely dumbfounded. “Are you crazy?!”