Review by Forgettheworld at Diamondworld Reviews.

Title[5/5]

Loved it. I just loved it. Took me in straight away.  It also told us what genre the story would be in.

Appearance[4/5]

The poster had a great colour scheme and the sparkles made it more beautiful. It might just be me but I always associate dancing with sparkles. It was not outstanding, though and was quite awkward. The images were feathered and it was obvious where you had tried to blend the images to fit the concept ‘dancing’. Plus the girl that he is dancing with is obviously not her as her hair is longer in the above picture. I also think the girl is acting aegyo and doesn’t fit with the concept of dancing towards your heart. A girl that is smiling at the camera would have been more suitable.

Foreword/Description/Prologue[3/5]

Sounds clichéd already. Of course, if your plot is based on this, then there is not choice but you can always tweak the description to make it sound more interesting.  Always someone falling for someone and someone trying to stop them. So many stories on AFF like this, I’m sick of it. Believe it or not, there is more to life than romance. I don’t get why you had to introduce the other characters of the band as they don’t seem to be playing such a big role. It makes the story boring when instead, you could have briefly introduced those character inside your actual story.

Plot[25/40]

Not realistic. No way that they have so much time to bump into each other so very coincidently. No way could they have just ‘got in’ in one audition. No way would they debut that fast. And seriously, a dance battle? You didn’t need to put that in at all.  You could have explained some parts of your story more and built up the suspense a bit. Although I know you are still setting the scene and everything, honestly, it’s about time the problem has come in. It chapter six and no mention of any problems or complications. It gets boring with that. You need something to keep making the readers want more, making the readers asking for more. Right now, the plot is going in a very typical direction; shallow and happy and bubbly. By now you could have added some suspense by perhaps making an unknown person watching over Dream Stars. However, I don’t know too much about where your story is going and by now I should. No plot happening at the moment.

Writing Style[7/15]

You make your writing simple and easy to understand. However, your writing style really bugs me. You don’t describe your characters much do you? You could have expanded so much of your story such as when the girls got their acceptance letters or when Ha Rae was crying. Of course this also ties in with your characterization. However, you could have described the feeling the girls got when up on stage or described the places where they are at.

Another thing is how you tell us things. You could use more vocabulary and flair to make the writing come alive. For example the sentence: ‘we had a good conversation’. Really? That’s just stupid. I can have a good conversation with my fish, seriously. Describe Describe Describe!

Flow[7/10]

I like how you described the girls meeting but this could have been done without the word ‘flashback’.

This is the first story I’ve read where it’s so confusing. In a way, it’s going too slow since we don’t know anything yet and it has already been eight chapters. In another way, it’s also progressing too fast as we don’t exactly know all the character’s emotions, their settings and everything.

Some advice would be to speed up your overall plot but in each individual chapter, slow things down so that we know every little detail so that we can imagine the actual action. The chapters could be longer to accomplish this.

Basic Grammar/Spelling[5/5]

No major problems I can see.

Characterisation[11/25]

I can’t really mark on this since you haven’t given any character a real personality. Basically more description is needed and more depth. I advise you to think about each character’s background and history to further enhance your knowledge of them. Right now, all I know is that they get in SM and they are friendly with everyone. Good job, nothing accomplished. It’s slightly hard to write from every girl in the group’s POV so I advise you to either switch to third person where you can describe everyone’s feelings in the one go or at least stick to one POV and you can tell her feelings on her friends and her history with them.

So far, there hasn’t been any development of the characters but that is understandable as you haven’t progressed far into your story, although this is a point you need to remember to include.

Overall Enjoyment[9/15]

This story wasn’t too bad I supposed. I like those stories where the girls gets into the industry, I admit. However, I would prefer some action and perhaps some tension. Overall, not too bad, but it could be better. Good luck!

TOTAL[76/125]