4/4 – Unusual II

Daehyun liked peaceful sleep, but that was beyond where he was lying. He’d already spend half an hour staring into his phone, drawing pattern on Youngjaes contact number without actually tapping it to make a call. He wants to explain things to Youngjae, he really does – that was why that file was even there on the table.

He’d been wondering how to break the news to Youngjae for about four entire weeks now, but it had never fallen on his head this bad. He never expected Youngjae to justify everything in his mind and slap Daehyun without even knowing what that was really going on and walk out. Of course, when you put it that way it doesn’t even sound satisfactory of a reaction.

There was a worry tugging his strings of concentration as well. Not matter what Youngjae ripped off his ear; and god knows if it can heal or not. What if Youngjae has to live with a hanging piece of ear by the helix? God, what are you thinking, Yoo Youngjae?! How can you be so childish! Even if Daehyun had been just using him all this time, hurting himself for it sounds stupid. Why would he do that?!

Daehyun grumbles at his cellphone and shifts his position on the couch. He was tired from overnight at work, exhausted mentally from what happened with Youngjae but he doesn’t feel good enough to walk himself to the bed the least. The bed would possibly remind him of Youngjae – and he doubts if he wants that for the moment. He knows he should be thinking straight, thinking of a way to make conversation with Youngjae again – but he’s worried, hurt and just a bit lost.

One thing he really didn’t expect was how Youngjae didn’t even care to ask why.

When he turned down the offer for the marriage, he only came up with he’s still young, and he doesn’t know if he wants this marriage at all – and he would feel bad to leave a relationship hanging if it doesn’t work out. Back then, Youngjae never occurred to him.

Well, now – apparently, Youngjae had occurred. He thinks it started when Youngjae got himself a key to his apartment, few good months back. When he started to think that something between them was turning unusually normal, was possibly when he started to think that maybe he isn’t as un-ready as he think he is. Maybe that without him even noticing; things had already settled down to their routines. Daehyun was already living his entire life. –Wasn’t he?

Lately, though he tried to ignore it – Youngjae was giving off the same feeling. Daehyun didn’t notice it first when Youngjae started to close his eyes leaning into kiss him, but he did; and it had caught his heart fluttering – like he loved me. Youngjaes’ kisses of good night, post-it notes to greet him good morning – invitations to his place when they had time, spending time just watching TV, cooking and having dinner just the two of them, he doesn’t even know when all of it started.

Then the piercing…

He knew he had to consider it as a gift, just that.

But then Youngjae started to kiss his ear, say it looks good on him. Suggested he liked it where it was.

Daehyun sighs deeply.

He wonders what tomorrow would feel like without Youngjae barging into his bathroom, without Youngjae scolding him for being a pig and eating too much… without Youngjae as simply as that.

Unusually strange.
Daehyun can’t draw that image anymore.

A day without Youngjae? Daehyun asks himself, staring at the phone contact still.

He thinks he would credit what he felt as emptiness.

Daehyun spends the night wondering when his life was ever not dull and dim, and why he was worried about just one usual Friday night being cut down after all. He might not have Youngjae to warm his bed, but there are a lot of men out there he can make a choice out of. All he needs to do is head straight to a bar, one in which men like him met – and everything after that is possibly going to be the same. It might not be Youngjaes’ face, may it not be Youngjaes voice even, and may it not be his silky hair that smells of Daehyuns shampoo. Someone else, whose face he can forget in a day. If that’s what he wanted.

Daehyuns vision blurring makes him blink his eyes.

Hell no.
He thinks rather stubbornly.

Never. Just Youngjae.
Thoughts follow, falls into trains – running around his mind; building up more tears in his lashes, which finally form two clear drops before Daehyun wipes them harshly.

He’s not going to sit here and cry. He’s going to do something about it – he’s determined.

Maybe a man should shed a tear or two after all, just to realize they too are men and men only, bound by moral and feeling, kept in place tightly by love. He just can’t walk out. Nor will he let Youngjae.

He stands up, feeling dizzy but nevertheless determined. He realizes he doesn’t have the contacts of who he’s looking for. He finds himself a phone directory under his land-phone, a year before – but sits down on the floor, looking for who he wanted in the list.

And he finds her.

He wants to wait till its morning, but it was already five am in the morning, so he calls anyway. He’s first ignored for the umpteenth time, but when the teenager finally answered the phone, at first she’s stunned Daehyun – the real deal – was actually phoning her, and then is pissed off for waking her up in the freaking morning. When Daehyun explains, however, she makes Daehyun uncomfortable saying she would think about helping him or not; which later on turns into a joke, and she’d agreed to help Daehyun after all.

Daehyuns’ not yet sure if Youngjae would want to talk with him just after what happened yesterday, but the fact that he was going to try made his heart calm down and allows him to sleep for a matter of hours after his unusually long day.

Youngjae feels nothing but awkward when he wakes up to the next day. He doesn’t feel like getting off of bed and he doesn’t understand why. He’s late when he leaves his house and he’s not complaining about the damned traffic jam and he doesn’t know why he doesn’t seem to care about it today. He realizes he forgot his coffee when he finally arrived