Warmth. Even before he was awake enough to fully register what was going on, he felt it. Softness. Skin against his. Peace. 

Slowly, Tao managed to open his eyes. Blinking groggily for a few moments, his eyes finally settled on the sleeping figure of his Kris, arms draped loosely over Tao's waist and shoulder pillowing his head. He smiled impossibly wide at the sight. It was the most beautiful thing in the world, and Tao thought he never wanted to wake up in another way. 

He laid there for a while, listening to Kris' steady breath, to his heartbeat. Tao raised his hand, taking the boy's hair out of his face and in a breath at the sight. He felt his chest expand almost painfully from happiness, from love. A blush crept up his face as he recalled the previous night, memories fresh and clear. It had been perfect. Completely, utterly perfect. Kris had made him feel so safe, so wanted, so needed. So loved. 

Moving around a little, careful not to wake up his sleeping boyfriend, he checked for pain. He was a little bit sore, and his whole body ached, but at the same time it didn't exactly hurt. And it wasn’t even close to the level of pain he'd been expecting. Giddily, he thought that the more they practiced, less it'd hurt. And he wanted to start practicing as soon as possible.

His stomach grumbled loudly, interrupting the silence of the room and making him notice that he was actually really hungry. He usually was at mornings, seeing as eight hours without food were too much for him, but he wasn't planning on moving. Besides being awfully comfortable in his current position, he wanted to be the first thing his boyfriend saw when he opened his eyes. So he ignored the demands of his stomach and buried himself deeper into Kris' chest, closing his eyes and sighing contently. 

Not long after, the hand resting on his hip moved, brushing softly Tao's back. Looking up, he was greeted with a soft, breathtaking smile. 

"Good morning." 

"Good morning, FanFan," he smiled back, wrapping his arms around the boy in a weird kind of hug. 

"Did you sleep well?" Kris asked after a moment, voice low and laced with sleep, running a hand through the boy's raven hair. Tao nodded, smile widening, before settling back into his chest. 

They stayed like that for a while, enjoying the silence and the peacefulness of the late morning, the feeling of having the other close. 

After running his hand up and down Tao's spine several times, Kris suddenly stopped. 

"You are hungry, right?"

Tao looked up at him, a fake pout grazing his lips, "Starving."

Chuckling lightly, Kris let him go, scrambling off the bed in search of their clothes. As Kris closed the bathroom door behind him, Tao began getting dressed. He was now hurting a little more, although it was nothing he couldn't handle. 

A few minutes later, after Kris had left the bathroom, Tao stood in front of the mirror. He could see every mark, every bruise on his body, could remember how he'd gained each and every one of them. And he wanted to see Kris. To see his marks, the ones he'd made the night before, the ones that showed Kris was his. 

Stepping out of the bathroom, he found the room empty, noises coming from what he supposed was the kitchen indicating his boyfriend's whereabouts. Now, finding where said kitchen was a whole new deal. Because, just as all his other friends' houses, Kris' house was enormous. But there was also something off with it. It felt empty, way too big for a person to live there completely alone. He sighed, wondering what it would feel like to be able to live there with Kris, to wake up every morning wrapped in his arms, to go to bed with him every night. 

After a few twists and turns, seeing as Tao wasn't the most orientated person, he finally came into the kitchen. And Kris was in fact there, standing by the counter surrounded by several ingredients. Inspecting them, he chirped excitedly. 

"Pancakes!"

His boyfriend jumped slightly, surprised by his sudden appearance, but the bemused look he was sporting was soon replaced by a gentle beam at the look of sheer excitement on Tao's face. Stepping forward, he approached Kris, placing a short kiss on his lips and smiling back as they separated.  

After a couple of burnt pancakes that broke Tao's heart, he ended up taking up the job of flipping them, leaving his boyfriend to prepare the second batch of batter as they chatted. Tao's stomach was grumbling painfully now, and as soon as they settled the plates on the table, he dug in. It wasn't until his second plate he noticed the look Kris was shooting him. The one he had grown so accustomed to. His favorite one. 

"You are staring again," he observed after taking a sip from his chocolate milk and sighing contently. Pancakes were his favourite breakfast, and Kris' were the best he'd ever had.  

Kris chuckled before turning back to his barely eaten first plate. "Sorry. Just thinking about how good you looked while eating," he shrugged. 

Tao felt his cheeks heat up slightly as he narrowed his eyes at his boyfriend. He was partially annoyed at himself for still finding those comments so endearing, but also at his boyfriend for being so damn corny all the time. "Cheesy," he mumbled, going back to his pancakes. 

Kris laughed at him, smiling when Tao threw him an exasperated look. But suddenly, his laughter stopped and his face became serious.

"Is everything okay? Are you in pain?"

Tao almost choked on his food at the sudden change in the conversation, but managed to shake his head before swallowing. Looking up to the concern on Kris' features, he smiled shyly, face heating up again.

"I'm fine. Really."

Kris relaxed on his seat, hand reaching out for Tao's. "I'm glad," he smiled as he played with his fingers, and Tao could have cried over how perfect this was. Over how perfect Kris was. "Because I can't wait to do it again," he smirked, tone light and playful. Letting go of his hand, Tao crossed his arms, rolling his eyes. "Corny or ert. You can't have both," he faked a frown.

Kris grinned before locking eyes with him, a clear challenge on his tone, "Are you telling me you don't want to?" he pouted, and Tao hated him. He really did. He wanted to practice wushu with his stupid, cute, arrogant face. 

"Shut up and eat," he mumbled, going back to his food in a pathetic attempt to hide his rising blush.

"Sure. But remember, Panda: practice makes perfect. And even better with a good teacher," he sneered, obviously trying to provoke Tao. 

But he knew better than to fall for it. Two could play that game. So, putting on his best confident facade, as he'd gotten so used to lately, he shot back, "Right. And is Mr. Expert going to be my teacher or what?" 

"Who else, if not me?" he chuckled.

"Oh. So many teachers..." Tao replied innocently, smile widening when Kris' face fell, smile replaced by a frown. 

"Don't play with me, Tao," Kris leaned forward, small smile back on his face.

"Of course teacher FanFan," he teased.

"You think you are an expert after just one time, Taozi?" Kris rolled his eyes fondly.

Tao tried to fight down the blush, to come up with a witty comeback. But the question had settled and a doubt had stirred inside him, making him feel sick and tired and unsure. Was Kris actually an expert? How many people had he slept with before? How many of them better, more experienced, less awkward than him? He hadn't intended to ask it out loud, but he found himself saying the words before he could stop himself.

"How many people have you slept with, Kris?" he asked, tone calm and dread rushing over him.

Kris seemed taken aback at the question, smile wearing off and leaning back on his chair. "I-I don't actually know. I don't keep a record, Taozi," he took a sip of his coffee. 

It could only mean one thing. A lot. And Tao hated it. He felt jealousy settle on his stomach, making it hard to swallow when he turned back to his food. It didn't matter now. Kris was with him and Tao didn't have the right to be jealous of them. But he was.  

From the corner of his eye, he saw Kris beam at him. "You were the best one, though."

Tao looked up, an odd flutter on his chest. Relief. He shouldn't have felt like that, but he did. 

Although, he wasn't completely settled. There was still something creeping up inside of him. Something he'd wondered even before they'd started dating, even before they'd become friends. 

"Did you have other boyfriends? Or, you know, girlfriends?" he asked, unable to meet the boy's eyes. 

The silence that followed his question didn't help to ease his doubts, if only to make him feel more antsy and insecure. Still, when a low "yes" left Kris' lips, Tao's head snapped up, eyes widening. 

"How many?" he asked breathlessly. 

Kris placed his cup back on the table, looking unusually uncomfortable. "Why all these questions now?" 

"I'm curious," Tao lied, nervous tension keeping him on the edge of his seat, "So?"

Kris cleared his throat, taking a shuddering breath. Tao didn't know what to think anymore. "Counting you?" Tao nodded, "Two."

Oh. Just another person. One. It wasn't so bad. He had basically been ready for Kris to admit he had dated the whole city. Although, it was still worrisome. It wasn't normal for Kris to act like that for a simple question. Tao knew very well he wasn't one to get uncomfortably talking about , so that was not it. Then why was Kris still avoiding his eyes? 

"A guy?"

Kris nodded. 

"May I ask?" Tao pressured. 

The answer he got, cold and quick and so unlike Kris ended up messing with him. "I'd rather not."

And Tao tried really hard not to feel offended. But Kris had basically told him to shut up. And was also hiding something. 

"Then, may I know why not?" he tried to swallow down his annoyance. 

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Why not?"

A loud bang startled him, making him look up to a standing Kris, hands fisted on the table, "I said I don't want to talk about it!" he shouted, "Is it so hard to get?" 

Anger. Deception. Humiliation. A lot of emotions swirled inside Tao before he finally let his fork drop, standing up to be face to face with his boyfriend. Pressing his hands to the table, he tried to keep breathing, not to let the harsh words get to him. 

"Why Kris? What are you trying to hide?" He was met with a cold silence that had something inside him exploding. "Don't I have the right to know?! You know, as your ing actual boyfriend?" he shouted, throat tightening painfully.  

And Kris finally looked at him. And Tao felt as if someone had punched the air right out of him. Because the cold eyes that glared at him weren't his Kris'. They weren't the gentle ones who'd greeted him that morning. The warm ones that made Tao’s day better just by looking at them. They belonged to the boy he'd first met, the one who didn't like Tao at all and was mean to him. The angry ones. The ones he hated. 

"Can we talk about this later?" Kris snapped, knuckles white from the tightness of his fists. 

"No," he stated as calmly as he could.

Kris stared at him disbelievingly, glare intensifying a moment later. Tao felt his chest begin to hurt, and he needed to get away. Away from the kitchen, away from the house. Away from Kris. Turning around, he made his way to Kris' room, mechanically putting his things inside his backpack. Kris stood by the door, arms folded and brows furrowed. Tao ignored him as he walked out of the door, praying that he was able to find the front door before the tears that were prickling his eyes managed to fall.

"Don't be so childish, Tao!" Kris shouted behind him, and he only fastened his pace. He needed to get out. Now. Yanking the front door open, he heard the boy shout his name one more time before he slammed the door shut. 

And he ran. Vision blurring and chest aching, he ran home. Fumbling with his keys until he was able to get the door opened, he checked for his mom's presence before breaking down on a sob. But not a single tear managed to fall. He was so angry. He felt it pounding on his veins, keeping him from thinking straight. 

Tao buried under his sheets, pressing his hands to his eyes and willing himself to just stop thinking. Because his head hurt and his chest hurt but his heart hurt even more. After what seemed like an eternity, it became quiet inside his head. He didn't know when he'd managed to fall asleep, but was soon woken up by the sound of his mom arriving home from work. He reached for his phone, feeling pain rise up again when he didn't find a single call, a single message from Kris. He did have to delete several notifications from most of his friends, from Luhan to Chanyeol. He then realized he'd missed practice, but he couldn't care less. The physical pain was still there, a not so welcomed reminder of what they'd done the night before. He didn't want to think about it. He wouldn't.

His mother entered his room not long after, confused after seeing his bag by the door and not finding him anywhere. Tao told her he was fine, he'd just caught a cold. He didn't believe it himself. She left him alone after telling him to call if he needed her, and Tao was thankful for it. He didn't feel like pretending not to be dying from heartbreak. At least not for now. Sleep soon overtook him again. He woke at noon after a night filled with nightmares and misery. Anger had subsided, also had sorrowfulness. He was just sad. Emptily sad. He felt his heart pound when once again there was nothing more than messages from his friends waiting for him. The last one, Kyungsoo's, made him curse under his breath.

From: Kyungsoo

              Tao are you ok? You missed lunch again.

He texted back a quick "See you at practice" before dragging himself out of bed and making his way to the bathroom. His eyes looked a bit red and puffy, despite him not remembering crying at all. He spent his time on the shower trying to block his thoughts out. Because every time he stopped doing so, those cold, unknown eyes were staring right through him again. Now he didn't even care about the stupid ex-boyfriend, he was just so hurt about how Kris had reacted. About how he didn't trust him.

Doubts dragged him into a hole of self-pity as he slowly walked towards the school. He knew he'd have to see Kris, dreaded it. But he couldn't just leave his team on their own just because he wasn't okay. His stomach grumbled, reminding him he hadn't eaten much since the previous day's pancakes. A couple of meals and some fruit weren’t nearly as much as what he usually ate. He fished for the cereal bar he'd grabbed on his way out, nibbling at it, hungry enough to eat it despite the coppery taste on his mouth. 

After reaching the gym, he couldn't stop himself from looking around, noticing Kris on his side surrounded by the rest of his team. But, seeing as the boy wasn't paying him any attention, he strode directly towards his team, heart heavy once again. He briefly apologized for missing the previous day's practice, relieved none of them asked him why. He felt sick every time his eyes wandered to the other side, and although he realized he wasn't paying the attention he should have to the practice, he couldn't do anything about it. Apparently, he just needed JongHae to snap him out of that pitiful state.

"Sunbae?" A soft voice interrupted his depressing train of thoughts. Looking down, he found JongHae's concerned gaze inspecting him.  Despite being only a year younger than him, the boy both looked and acted younger, his baby face making it impossible for Tao to get annoyed with him even when he had to spend almost every practice trying to keep the boy from killing himself because of a bad fall. Besides, he and his friend were awfully formal with him, even when he had practically ordered them to call him Tao. Everyone in Korea was like that. They were weird. "Are you okay?" he asked, and Tao came back to earth, noticing he'd been staring absentmindedly to the other side of the court as he was explaining the boy a new movement.

"Yes! Yes. Sorry."

"I see you a bit absentminded..." the boy said. 

Tao shook his head quickly and then smiled, frowning as it felt weird in his face. His heart fell a little after realizing it was the first time in many months he hadn't smiled for a whole day. Kris usually made sure of it. "I'm fine," he lied, but the boy bought it and smiled happily, turning his attention back to him as he begun to explain the movement from the top. 

After the longest hour of his life, he finally made his way to the locker room, completely exhausted, both physically and mentally. Sitting beside him silently, Minseok handed him a water bottle. Tao drained it in one go, suddenly dying of thirst. His friend stared at him a little wide-eyed. "Are you okay? You seem distracted," he asked.

Was it so freaking obvious? Did he have a sign on his forehead that read 'I'm tired and sad and starving a little and completely heartbroken'? But instead of saying all that, he smiled shortly. "I'm fine. Really," lying about being fine was getting easier every time, and Tao wasn't sure he liked it. 

"Why weren't you here yesterday? And why didn't you have lunch with us? We missed you. It was weird seeing Kris sitting on his own. He looked kind of out of place," he commented lightly, laughing a little. But Tao didn't and Minseok didn't miss it. "We're going to the karaoke. Wanna come?"

Tao really didn't. He wanted to go back home and wrap himself in his blanket, wallowing in self-pity. And cry a little. Maybe. But instead, he said "Sure."

It was fun, he guessed. He wasn't really paying attention. Between trying to look happy enough to keep his friends from worrying and avoiding his own thoughts, he didn't have much spare time to actually enjoy himself. Not that he would have, anyway. He went to bed that day feeling completely drained, soothing sleep saving him from the pain before he had the chance to be alone with his thoughts. He was just glad that awful day was over.

But a day became two and then three. And then it was Friday and he still hadn't heard from Kris. Hadn't seen him. He had stopped attending their friends' daily lunches, hadn't showed up at their park in the morning. Actually, the whole basketball team had been missing the lunches, as they had been practicing even more. And Tao hadn't expected him to show up those mornings, although he hoped he would. Hope. It was slowly vanishing and Tao didn't know what to do, didn't know how to stop it. He missed Kris deeply. He missed everything about him. His smiles, words, touches. The way he was always there for him. It hurt. What hurt the most was noticing how dependent he'd become. He had noticed before, sure, but now he could see every empty moment in his life with Kris' shape on it. And he hated it. He hated himself. But it wasn't up to Tao to fix things between them. He still didn't understand Kris' behavior the last time they'd talked, and the boy hadn't tried to explain himself. And hope was vanishing. Fast.

The endless monotony his life had turned into after just a couple of days was broken that same evening after practice, when he did found a message on his phone. Although it wasn't the one he'd been expecting to see.

From: Yixing

            Wait for me after practice, please? (´ ▽ `)ﾉ

After spending more time that he should have wondering why the hell had he texted that cute face, it hit him. Lay wanted to talk with him. Lay as in Kris' best friend Lay. And he really didn't want to talk about it. But he had to, he guessed. He owed it at least to his friend. And it might be important. Or Kris might have wanted to break up with him and had gotten Lay to break the news for him. Just the thought of it made him sick, despite realizing Kris would never do that and he was just being paranoid. They wouldn't break up because of a fight he didn't even understand, right?

He stood awkwardly in the park. Seeing as it was summer and the sun was still pretty much up at seven, they'd decided to meet there, although Tao didn't think it was a good idea anymore. Besides really not wanting to see his friend, the park brought memories, and lately memories weren't his friends. 

He smiled a little when the boy arrived a few minutes later, happily eating an ice cream and waving his hand frantically after spotting Tao.

"Little Panda!" he greeted. Tao scrunched his nose at the nickname. He'd told him several times he didn't really like it, but his friend didn't pay attention to it. Still, Tao only liked it when it came from Kris' mouth. And he missed it really much. He ignored the name and waved back, sitting beside Lay when his friend did so.

"You don't look too well," Lay commented kindly, and Tao sighed inwardly. Yeah, he knew it. He hadn't been sleeping well lately, nor was he as hungry as usual. And it was taking a toll on his body. But he really, really didn't want to discuss it with Lay. 'Especially not if he is here to break up with me in behalf of Kris,' he thought bitterly.

"What did you need to see me for?" he cut out. 

"Oh, ok. Straight to the point, as usual," Lay grinned, "I just wanted to ask you something."

Tao raised his eyebrows, not expecting the conversation to go like that. At least, he didn't seem to be about to break up with him. But he also smiled shyly. He'd gotten to know the boy pretty well those past months, and was pretty excited to see what he was going to come up with.

"I need you to talk with Kris," he stated calmly, taking a bit of his ice cream and beaming appreciatively. 

Tao choke on air. "What?!" he managed to splutter.

"You know. A message or something?" he said casually.

Tao felt blood rushing to his cheeks, "Why would I do that?"

Lay sighed before taking another bit of his ice cream, "Because Yifan's been calling me about you not talking to him every night for four nights in a row and I can't take a fifth one. Mean it," he sent a pointed look his way.

Tao tried to defend himself, but Lay didn't give him the chance to, "Look, I don't know what you guys argued about, and I don't really care, but he's not happy and you obviously aren't either so it’s been enough. Besides, it's not only affecting you two anymore but also me and the rest of the team. Let’s just say Kris hasn't been at the top of his game lately. So figure something out and lets go back to normal," his tone was firm and serious, despite the caring smile still on his face. 

"Why should I call him?! I'm not going to!" he shouted, frustration slowly building up. 

"Oh, was it his fault? Should have guessed it. He's not the best one dealing with his feelings," Lay chuckled.

Jealousy ran through Tao like acid. Lay had known Kris for so long, was so permanently knit in his life, he felt he'd never get to know Kris as well as Lay did.

"Do you know about Kris' ex?" he asked warily. 

The boy's face visibly closed up, staring at him blankly. "I..."

"You do! Right?!" Tao left the bench, coming to stand in front of the boy.

"Well... I guess you could say so. But it is… complicated," Lay scratched his nape uncomfortably.

"Wait! You-Were you..." he trailed off, feeling slightly sick at the possibility that'd run through his mind.

"Was I what?" Lay frowned, and Tao could've pinpointed the exact moment it dawned on him. He began to shake his head, moving his arms frantically, "No, no no no. I've never seen Kris that way. I meant that yes, I was there when it happened," he paused, eyes sadder than before, and softened his voice, "I didn't know you'd fought about that."

"I just want to know," Tao mumbled before sitting beside him again. His chest felt heavy and now he wasn't even sure why. This ex thing seemed bigger than what'd thought, and he didn't want to think about it. But he couldn't stop doing so either.

"It's not up to me to talk about it. You should really let Kris explain himself."

"I did! I tried! He just brushed me off and shouted at me!" 

"You need to understand, Tao," Lay hurried up as Tao's desperation grew almost tangible, "It's not easy for him to talk about it, and I don't have the right to tell you about it."

Tao stood up, hands fisted at his sides and even more frustrated than before. "It seems you'll be getting another call tonight."

And with that he left the park, heart beating hard and wondering bitterly how his week could have started so perfectly and ended up so desperately wrong.