Baekhyun likes the mundane. There is beauty in every day; he inhales Seoul’s air and exhales enthusiasm. He has never wanted to be anyone else, be anywhere else. One full breath at a time; that’s how he wants to live.

Lately, though, the mundane has been, well – mundane. He feels cheated because people keep telling him his first year at university will be new and exciting and amazing and ic. But he just feels himself being bored with everything.

“It’s because you’re single,” Luhan tells him in between sips of black coffee.

“Relationships aren’t for me,” Baekhyun hears himself saying for the fifth time that day. Luhan likes to preach his “Ten Reasons Why the World Needs Love” and Baekhyun is tired of it now. And this is only the third weeks of knowing Luhan. He shudders to think how many more times he’d need to hear this lecture if they continues to be friends.

“And lastly,” Luhan takes a deep breath, “We are just not meant to be solo. Even everyday things are more fun when you’re with someone.”

Baekhyun doesn’t tell Luhan about his special someone; the one who loves him so much it scares him. Baekhyun doesn’t tell Luhan he’s right, either – that mundane things are more fun when you’re in a relationship; that the only reason he treasures every day is because he had someone to spend every day with.

But you couldn’t let yourself be happy, Baekhyun’s inner voice sneers.

☃

Baekhyun sees Kyungsoo on a Thursday, after he had called to assure his friend that he was alive – as per Chanyeol’s request.

“Are you going to tell him?” Kyungoo asks, brows squinting together in disapproval.

“Eventually,” Baekhyun shrugs.

“You’re so stupid, Baek.”

☃

And the inevitable happens, as inevitable things do.

“Baek?” Kris’ eyes are so wide, they could mostly rival Kyungsoo’s. “How? This isn’t. What?”

I’m here visiting a friend? But he thinks maybe it’s time to bite the bullet.

“I go here,” Baekhyun says in a small voice, face palming himself because this is ridiculous.

“No you don’t.”

“I think I would know.”

Kris flails around a bit, which just looks silly given his height, “Baek, you go to school with Kyungsoo.” Then the light bulb comes on, “Wait. Is this why Kyungsoo hasn’t seen you around campus?”

“Ding ding ding,” Baekhyun gives Kris a rueful smile.

“When?”

“Over the summer, after Chanyeol and I…broke up? Is that right? We were never together,” Baekhyun sighs when Kris rolls his eyes, “Okay fine, we were together and we did break up. Anyway I applied to transfer here and moved out of my apartment because they won’t get freshmen live off campus.”

“And you didn’t think to tell any of us?”

“I told Kyungsoo, last week. I thought since I am in a different department than you and Chanyeol, I wouldn’t have to worry about running into you guys.”

Kris looks flabbergasted, which, Baekhyun guesses he has a right to be.

“You’re so stupid, Baek.”

“That’s the general consensus, yes.”

☃

Maybe, just maybe, Baekhyun is a little crazy.

Chanyeol is all that he has ever known; Chanyeol is the first love he has ever felt. He didn’t have any siblings and he has never known what it was like to love someone, or to be loved by someone. Chanyeol is a burst of sunshine – warm, comforting; someone who lights the way, shows Baekhyun what “love” means, keeps that darkness at bay when night comes and Baekhyun realizes he is all alone in the world.

Without him, Chanyeol has doting parents, a boisterous sister, his millions of cousins and loving grandparents. Chanyeol has a real family. A family who never once said one unkind word, not even when Baekhyun entered the picture. Surely they should care – their son is dating another guy. Instead Baekhyun was welcomed with open arms, warm meals and a support system of people who came to love him, too.

And Baekhyun is scared. What would he do if they suddenly cast him aside?

☃

Kris must’ve kept his promise not to tell Chanyeol, because it has been three months into school and Baekhyun hasn’t seen the taller male once. It is a big campus. Baekhyun doesn’t even know where Chanyeol and Kris lives. He just wants to be in Chanyeol’s vicinity, hoping that’s somehow good enough.

Sometimes he imagines running into Chanyeol, the things he would say. Maybe they will talk about the weather, or classes. Maybe they will grab lunch and sit on one of the benches outside, just enjoying the breeze.

It doesn’t matter what they say, Baekhyun thinks, he just wants to hear that familiar voice again. The one that lures him to sleep at night and greets him in the morning.

“So then why did you break up with him?” Luhan asks, spoon dangling from his mouth.

“I figured it would be easier if I ended things first.”

“Poor baby,” Luhan gets up to strangle Baekhyun in an embrace, “Who hurt you so badly? Lemme comfort you.”

“Get away from me!”

“Lemme love you!”

“Oh my gosh, gross.”

☃

Luhan ends up finding things out anyways when he finds Baekhyun hyperventilating in the bathroom; curled up on the tile floor.

“Baekhyun, talk to me.”

So Baekhyun does, words shaky and stumbles out so quickly he isn’t even sure what he is saying. He tells Luhan things he has never told anyone, not even Chanyeol. Things he only allows himself to think about when he was at his apartment, away from the world.

“They were away a lot,” Baekhyun gulps in air like he can’t get enough, fingers furiously whisking the tears away. “I was alone even when I was a baby. Sometimes, I remember being so hungry. And crying, just crying for hours. We had an auntie who came by once a week to clean – she would make me food and left some in the fridge. Then when I was six, she stopped coming. I don’t know what happened to her.

“I made a lot of ramen. It was easy. I didn’t even think – know – that this wasn’t normal. Then I met Chanyeol. And I realized this isn’t everyone’s life, and I just kept asking myself why this happened, why me.”

Luhan stays quiet, eyes focusing far ahead instead of looking at Baekhyun. He is grateful, because he doesn’t think he can handle those eyes looking at him. Luhan has really kind eyes, the ones that Baekhyun hates the most because there is nothing there but pity.

“I love him but, I think, deep down, I hate him. I hate him for showing me things I didn’t have, things I grew up without. And it’s so stupid because I am so grateful to Chanyeol. I mean, I moved to this school just so we can breathe the same air but I can’t even…bring myself to go and see him face to face.”

“Sometimes…we do things that make no sense to anyone else. As long as they make sense to you, Baekhyun, that’s all that matters.”

Baekhyun doesn’t remember the rest of that night. He cries until he wears himself out; he remembers Luhan tucking him in, gentle hands his face.

☃

Surprisingly, Baekhyun does feel better the next day. Because Luhan has seen him as his worst and is still around.

“Of course! We are roomies.”

“Thanks, I thought after that little freak out…”

“Not everyone are like your parents, Baek. Or that auntie who disappeared. You can rely on people sometimes,” Luhan pauses, “And you know, Chanyeol doesn’t sound like the type of guy who will leave you either.”

☃

It’s not an overnight transformation. Baekhyun still laughs a little too brightly, hides his feelings behind boisterous jokes and lavish gestures. But he is also opening up a little more, and it helps that he made friends on his own without Chanyeol.

Over the years, he grew to really rely on Chanyeol and his family’s kindness. But this time, Baekhyun is on his own and it’s not so bad.

☃

He is ready when he sees Chanyeol again. It’s like something from out of the movies, where everything slows down and he has tunnel vision; in that moment, he can only see Chanyeol. They both stare at each other, Baekhyun doesn’t even know for how long. He takes in everything – the shorter cropped haircut, the sunken cheeks.

“Hi,” Baekhyun breathes, voice hushed like he’s afraid Chanyeol will bolt.

“What are you doing here,” Chanyeol’s voice is deeper than Baekhyun remembers.

“Funny story, I go here.”

Baekhyun, however, isn’t prepared for what happens next. He nurses his jaw as he watches Chanyeol’s retreating back. He doesn’t remember Chanyeol being so violent.

☃

“It still hurts.”

“Quit whining." Because Luhan has no sympathy not the weak. "Go talk to him."

Baekhyun sighs, “I don’t think I can take another punch.”

☃

The next time they meet again, Chanyeol ignores him. Flat out gives him the cold shoulder. Baekhyun suddenly remembers that Chanyeol is an immature little prick.

“You little ,” Baekhyun seethes, “Talk to me.”

But the taller male is mute. Kris shrugs and holds up both hands as if to say this has nothing to do with him.

☃

It continues like that until Baekhyun steals Kris’ key and locks himself in Chanyeol’s room.

“What the , Byun Baekhyun! I have assignments that are due in there!”

“Then listen to me,” Baekhyun kicks the door right back when Chanyeol bangs on it again. “Listen to me once and I promise, I won’t bother you again.”

When the banging stops, Baekhyun takes that as his sign to continue. “Look, I’m sorry. I was just scared. I couldn’t be your Baekhyun. I needed to find my own self-worth. We don’t have to be friends, I just wanted to apologize.”

Silence.

“Chanyeol-ah. Yoda. Elf. Please.”

The silence is deafening. It screams so loudly at Baekhyun’s conscience. He did something terrible.

Baekhyun gathers his courage to open the door. Instead of Chanyeol, Kris is there, offering him a bottle of beer.

“Chanyeol left,” Kris says. “Come on, Baek. Let’s drink.”

“How much did you hear?”

“Everything. Chanyeol left before you…started speaking.”

“Bastard.”

☃

Baekhyun stops trying. He isn’t someone who is good at confronting his emotions in the first place. And he got the message loud and clear.

“Is this his payback?” Luhan shakes his head, sipping on his bubble tea from his bed across of Baekhyun’s. “He’s taking it too far. Byun Baekhyun, don’t bother. Let’s find love together with me!”

☃

Love doesn’t float on air, Baekhyun comes to learn. It isn’t bright and burning hot. It’s not even an instant attraction.

Or maybe Luhan just has really bad tastes.

“Hyung, why does everyone you hook me up with...a loser?”

“What! I saved all the good ones for you.”

Baekhyun almost chokes on his coffee, “Those were the best?”

“What are you even looking for?” Luhan demands, hands waving his drink everywhere. Baekhyun cringes at the coffee that gets splattered everywhere.

“I just want….someone tall. Reliable. Someone bright. Someone who isn’t afraid to joke around. Someone…who gets me.”

“Yah, yah, isn’t that me?”

“Hyung, I said tall!”

Luhan looks mock offended, “Excuse you. I’m taller than you.”

“Isn’t that me, then?”

Baekhyun chokes on his coffee; he is too afraid to turn around because he knows that voice. “Wha…what…”

“I come here every day.”

“Of all places,” He wheezes.

“Is this…oh my god, is this Chanyeol? No wonder you won’t date anyone else! Hi, I’m Luhan.”

“Hyung!”

Chanyeol chuckles, “Park Chanyeol. Nice to meet you.”

“I’m Baekhyun’s roommate.”

“I’m….”

Luhan smirks, “I know. Nice to finally meet you. Gosh, you're tall."

"Uh, my roommate is taller." Chanyeol offers because he isn't sure what else to say.

"You'd better make up with him! I want to meet the hottie roommate!"

"Priorities, hyung."

Luhan gives Chanyeol a shove into a vacant chair and runs off, shouting something incoherent as he goes.

☃

“What did you want to say?”

Baekhyun glares at the stupid bastard over the rim of his coffee cup, “I already said it. Too bad you weren’t there.”

“Wasn’t it just some ty things about how you’re sorry? I don’t want to hear that.”

There’s anger there. Suppressed but it’s there. Baekhyun thinks this is probably a bad time to think of how hot Chanyeol looks like this, but the thought is there anyways.

“Why, Baekhyun?”

“Because I was scared.”

“Why.”

It’s time he’s told the truth, Baekhyun doesn’t dare to look up. “Because it was your family and your friends and poor little Baekhyun. College was our time to start over, and I thought I needed something new, but I couldn’t – I couldn’t shake off my past, because you were there. You were everything I hated about my past.”

“Did you feel this way all along? Hating me even when you were my best friend? What does that make me?”

And the hurt is so evident, it oozes out of every word, every syllable.

“Most of all, I hated how much I love you, how much I needed to depend on you.”

Baekhyun looks up. He doesn’t know what to expect. Certainly not Chanyeol crying. But the tears are there, slowly making its way down. People say when someone’s tears falls silently; without a change in expression; without effort - that's when their hearts are breaking. That's when they are the saddest.

“And I hate that, I’m the one making you cry.”

☃

It’s later that Chanyeol points that Kris and Kyungsoo are his friends, too. Later when the tears have stopped and their coffees have long been drank. There is a companionable lull in conversation every now and then, thoughts drifting in and out. Occasionally they talk about the past, they talk about school, about Baekhyun’s new group of friends.

“Never once did they take my side,” Baekhyun says. “I don’t blame them. I know it was my fault, but…they were there for you. They have always been your friends more than mine.”

“It’s because you never let people in.”

“I know,” He chuckles, “I’ve been working on it.”

“Yeah? Then tell me, what did you go when you’d lock me out of your apartment?”

“Cursing your name.”

☃

“I realized I wasn’t strong without you.”

“I realized I actually hate boring things. I didn’t know until we broke up because things were never boring with you around.”

☃

“I made a C in Biology.”

“Your mom is going to kill you, Yeol.”

☃

And it’s so easy. It has always been so easy. Byun Baekhyun did the most amazing thing; he fell in love with his best friend. Luhan hasn’t seen him at his worst; Luhan has only seen him when he wasn’t even whole enough to be considered a person at rock bottom.

Chanyeol has seen him at his worst: selfish, scared, and loathsome. Chanyeol has survived him.

And he is still here, sitting across from Baekhyun, discussing meteor showers like nothing has changed.

Baekhyun likes the mundane. There is beauty in every day; he inhales Chanyeol’s scent and exhales warm morning greetings. He has never wanted to be anyone else, be anywhere else. One day with Chanyeol at a time, that’s how he wants to live.