Review for: infinitestarz94 ღ   Reviewed By: Vicky97

Story Link: Waiting Time

Book Review 5, reviewed one-shot

Title: (7/10)

Although the title did manage to encapsulate the story in two words, the words gave me too much of a melancholic feeling. Waiting time made me set the bar a little too high for this short story. I was expecting something as close to death or a serious mishap that has left a deep impact on Luhan. However, it was much lighter than that. Hence, although ‘Waiting Time’ seems impressionistic and intriguing, it did not embody your story very well.

Description/Foreword: (10/10)

The description for me was great. To me, it gave me the vibes that your story would be the perfect Christmas story I would want to read. The Foreword was really good. The font and italic words did make the story seem dreamier for me, which is this story’s main selling point.
 

Presentation (9/10)

The background did do it for me. It channeled a sense of anticipation and nostalgia. The bits of snow falling against a black backdrop [although they weren’t moving], gave me the perfect feeling of a sad but perfect Christmas. It would be great if you could request for a poster somewhere.

Language: (8/10)

There was a good use of vocabulary here and there, which I cannot deny. However, at some parts, you were trying too hard to express Luhan’s feelings, making some parts a little too cheesy. Just take it slow and when then time’s right, the vocabulary will eventually set in perfectly.

A sweet, yet a painful memory came wavering around my mind. I could compare[relate to] the harsh weather, outside and the emotions I felt inside my heart.  It pained [hurt] me,..

Maybe Yixing was not at home![.] A full-stop would be more appropriate.

I could see his worried glance at me. [He flashed me a worried glance.]

---

I didn’t want to be like that. I never wanted for myself being like that, either. I just ended up being like that. I desperately wanted to see her again.  [What are you trying to say?]

I felt something important missing from my life after that day. My heart was always craving for that thing. It was demanding for its presence. The thing was, I didn’t had[have] any idea how to stop that throbbing heart from mine.

My feet walked on its [their] own.

I was busy thinking of the same event that brought sweetness in my heart, as well as, bitterness that made my heart to [me] bear all the soreness.

----

“Hyung?” If I were to be a fan of EXO, I would had been lying on the cold ground, feeling as if it was[were] heaven. But, no in the [no to ]hell was I their fan. It was just Luhan. [I don’t understand the significance of this sentence. Please take some thought to sort this out.]

Lastly, that unfortunate person was no other than, I[me]. The sky once clear, bright and blue, turned to gray and cloudy.

My exact thought at that time was, no in the [no to]hell was it going to snow right now!
[For sentences you would like to delve into the character’s thoughts, it would be better if you could use:
“……..” He/She/I thought.

Or

You could describe it out. In this case: I groaned. There was definitely no way the sky would threaten me with snow now.

Just as I thought, the opposite thing had to happen. [This is too melodramatic. It would be preferable to stick with something less clichéd.]

I felt a cold touch on [at] the tip of my nose.

I hated snowy day[s].

I tried finding any other [another] place, so I could [to] clear out my blurry mind.

There were other grammatical errors in the other parts of your story, but because I don’t have time to re-type them, I hope you can re-edit them on your own. If you still need help, do approach me. Sorry, because you disallowed text-selection, I couldn’t copy and edit the text easily.  

 

Characters: (7/10)

This was a short one-shot, but I definitely felt that it was apt for the Christmas period. The sensitive side of Luhan was brought out very well. I just felt that the heartbreak part was a little hard to believe that’s why it’s a seven. Also, there was barely any description on the girl’s feelings. It was mostly one-sided for this story and I think the trick here is to include the feelings of this very special girl.

Flow: (8/10)

The sequence of events was clearly chronological and I didn’t have to re-read the previous paragraphs to attain a deeper sense of understanding.  However, I think you rushed the last part about the girl and Luhan. There should have been more emphasis on the romance part, rather than Luhan always feeling sad and neglected. Psychologically, instead of giving Luhan and the girl 80% of the story’s attention, and 20% to the parts on Luhan and Exo and him feeling sad, you gave Luhan and the girl only 50% of it. This creates a rather imbalanced storyline. It is also crucial for you to tell me why the girl left such a deep imprint in Luhan’s memories.
 

Plot: (12/20)

I thought that it was a very simple plot that suited Christmas. However, I felt that the encounter with the girl was too short. There was hardly any description after Luhan met with the girl. It doesn’t really make any sense for someone to experience heartbreak within such a small encounter. It would have been a coincidental crush, and not too much of pain. I think it will be good, if you still plan on improving this chapter that you include scenes that clearly show that they were deeply attracted to each other. For example, they bought food, walked through the Christmas night markets, sharing a few special moments, getting to know each other better, etc.  This will make your plot seem way more believable.

Overall Enjoyment: (14/20)

I loved your touch of vocabulary here and there, and I can tell that you tried your best to write this. Maybe this is an Asian thing, but sometimes, we think of what we want to write in our own mother tongue before translating it into English in our heads. If this was a Chinese/ your own mother tongue story, it would have been a very heartwarming story. <3

Total: 75 /100

A/N: I really appreciated your attempt to write this! If your mother tongue isn't chinese, I hope you don't take it to heart okay! I am best friends with friends from other ethnicities too :D

I hope you are satisfied with the review. If there’s anything that you would like to clarify, or would need me to further explain, please do contact me. All the best! <3

Please don't forget to credit back to this shop with my username will do. :D With a link please :) Comment after reading and an upvote will be nice :)

-Vicky <3