Review for:  maviseu  ღ   Reviewed By: Vicky97

Story Link: Disclosed

Book Review 4, Reviewed entire 5 chapters of ongoing story

Title: (7/10)

I think that the word ‘disclosed’ is not an apt one for your style of writing in this story. In actual fact, I would suggest you to change the story’s title. Of course, it is entirely up to you. :) Disclosed is too strong of a word. Sure, it does attract attention, but it doesn’t fit your style of writing and the story so far.

Description/Foreword: (6/10)

Sorry for the very low score, but maybe it’s because your story just started and you really want to build up the pace in the other chapters. However, from chapter one to five, I did not see any direct relation to the description about secrets in the foreword/description. It is interesting on its own though.
 

Presentation (8/10)

I think you need to change the colour of your background. It is too simple looking for a chapter and description that is stronger. Since we’re still early into the chapters, I hope that maybe you could make a less heavy and melancholic poster. It doesn’t reflect the rather cheeky scenes in some of the chapters, where Hana, Woohyun and Kai have their own special moments.
 

Language: (7.5/10)

Chapter 2:

As always, she was[would be] meeting Woohyun to get their homework done at the library and also to [to also] grab dinner after that. 

She was about to leave the classroom when someone stopped her, her eyes slowly fell onto the hand that was grabbing her arm. [To make this more interesting, I’m suggesting an alternative way to excite your readers a bit more. This because you feel touch first and would later want to find out who did it.]
(She was about to leave the classroom when someone grabbed her arm, stopping her in her tracks. Her eyes travelled toward the person holding onto her.)

Hana just stared at the ground. It was the second time she has[had] been held back by somebody today. Hana do not[didn’t] care about whatever he is[was] up to, her main goal is[was] to get out of this [the]awkward situation. And, she did what she had to.

"It was nice talking to you. We're friends now, right?" Hana was expecting something else, like 'Stay here with me' or 'Can i follow you' but this was by far the most horrible goodbye she have ever heard. [Tell me why Hana wanted Kia to stay. Maybe you could say something along the lines of: A part of me wanted him to stay. Please also explain why this was by far the most horrible goodbye. ]

"Nothing much. I just wanted to get to know a friend. When you graduate, i will become a loner," Hana shrugged. She might not be the type who likes socialising with others or be in the spotlight but she certainly do[did] not want to be left alone, it does not feel great to be lonely.

Woohyun felt his heart sank.[sink]/Woohyun’s heart sank.

Hana immediately sensed that something was wrong. She must have said something she shouldn't [have].

I felt that the end of chapter 2 was way too abrupt. It was just really awkward to read.

Chapter 3

Woohyun's eyebrows knitted closely together as he thought about who it would be[Hana was sitting with]. It was [totally—because you need to show the audience the emphasis.] logical that Woohyun was surprised since Hana and him had always been the only ones who sat at this[that] table, mainly because the cafeteria was huge and there were two separate lunch breaks. [You don’t really need this.]

Woohyun tightened his jaw and glared at the disappearing Kai. [Kai isn’t actually disappearing. Kai disappeared from Woohyun’s sight.]

Chapter 4

Did he come here for me? If that's the case, she must say that she was touched. At least there was someone here with her, Hana thought, and maybe God really wanted to give her a chance to make a new friend.

This paragraph for me, is really weird.

She didn't know what happened but she wanted to. She didn't know who her father was or if she had any sibling, she had no idea. Whenever Hana asks her mother, she would always avoid her questions, just like how Hana always did with Woohyun. However, Hana did know that her mother was once a maid and got pregnant with one of her masters because her mother's friend had a slip of the tongue. She bet that her mother didn't know that she knew, though.

The reason why I cancelled that part out is because I don’t think we are living in the Joseon Era/the olden times. Hence maybe, you would like to change ‘master’ to boss/something more modern? The delivery at the end of this chapter was mundane and although essential to carry your character to the next part, it was a slight turn off.

Characters: (6/10)

I think having three main characters for a story is always a good choice. It doesn’t confuse readers, which is very important. However, your characters, although quite sound, seem cliché in your story thus far. In the later chapters, I hope Hana gets an interesting edge to her personality because right now, she is much like the other female protagonists I see around in AFF.

Of course, this is not a problem, but to really make your story stand out, I think it would be crucial for your main lead to take on something special. I also think that due to the influx of modern dramas where the girl cries and bawls because of poverty/they are being neglected, each story needs to have an authentic take to the story/just create something that is totally different.

However, since you are in the middle of your story right now, maybe you could do some minor editing, and rewrite the part about her father. I’m sure it will not defer much from your original plan. Also, in the scenes that involve Kai, such as the lift scene, please do explain his intentions being there.

Flow: (8/10)

The story is well-paced and each chapter really felt like a proper chapter. However, I thought that because of the rather typical plot, it made the flow of the story seem too expected and slow. This results in readers feeling that your story is boring and mundane.
 

Plot: (14/20)

The reason on getting this grade is because I think if you do not do something to your story really quickly, it will turn into one of the many clichéd stories we see online nowadays. I would like to applaud you though, for trying to include some tingly scenes with Kai and Woohyun here and there. I did appreciate them; however, I thought that they were really typical. Perhaps, you could add more to what Hana feels, and not just—my heart sped up faster/I’d never been this close to a guy before… Treat the story like you are really living in it, and I’m sure the expressions will come out a lot easier!

Kai was too much of a sore thumb in this story. He just pops up, well, at the rather, expected places. He doesn't give me the adrenaline rush anymore.

Overall Enjoyment: (14/20)

You have sound ideas, but I really hope you can change it up a little, so that it is not your typical romantic story. If you do choose to continue with this style, I hope you delve deeper into the character’s feelings.
 

Total: 70.5/100

A/N: Maybe this genre of story writing isn't your forte, maybe you're better at writing something that is more out-of-this-world. Good luck in your other stories! :D

I hope you are satisfied with the review. If there’s anything that you would like to clarify, or would need me to further explain, please do contact me. All the best! <3

Please don't forget to credit back to this shop with my username will do. :D With a link please :) Comment after reading too and an upvote will be nice :)

-Vicky <3