Review for: PopoBabo ღ   Reviewed By: Vicky97

Story Link: Monster

Book Review 6, reviewed two chapters [thus far]

Title:

I loved the title; it was definitely apt for your story, even if it’s a common amongst the many stories on AFF. Since many things portray the word 'monster', it would be good if you could tell the readers in your description/later in your story if Kim Jongin's actually human. To this point, I'm guessing he is because he comes from normal parents, but in your description, it says otherwise. This might confuse your readers.

Description and Foreword:

I think the layout killed it. The perfect combination of Kai’s gif and picture nailed it. Plus, you get brownie points for a rather intriguing description! :D I like how it’s so different, and that the few lines of description clearly encompass your distinctive style of writing.

However,  "His love for fire and blood, his taste for odd nourishment, [and] his inability to blend into society's norm." and " feel betrayed by humanity" make readers want to read a paranormal fic, most likely a vampire one. I did check your tags and genres, and read your story for a couple of times, and I don't think you're intending to go that way. If you are not, hopefully, in your third/fourth chapter, you could tell your readers why Jongin lusts fire and blood. There's got to be something SHAZAM-ish in the third chapter. I don't mean to rush you but I've noticed after some review checking and such that readers these days are very impatient and so, I think you'll get the views and subs raking in soon if you let some details out. :)

Language:

No major problem with language here. However, to ensure greater flow in your story, I’ve altered some places, and maybe you could put some of them into use. (If you want to! )

However[,] the house was still gone[gone/gone forever/already gone]. Something that’s gone will always be gone. The word ‘still’ in this sentence makes a reader feel awkward reading it. 

 It was too late to revive it or anything that was inside of it[ It was too late to revive any part of it.]  The paint and the wood had been burnt down, the insides clear for the world to see [This sounds really awkward, ‘charred into darkness’, in my opinion would sound better. ]

Inside [, it] was [nothing but] a trajedy(sp. Tragedy) - nearly everything was [had] turned to ash[,] and what wasn't was no longer usable or of any value. [Again, this part seems unnecessary and rather redundant. If you want to put something interesting, this— (contd.) ‘and nothing held a value to any item left.’ might sound more appealing.

He was the [their] only son, the[their] only child.

Neither mother or [nor] father had sisters or brothers [siblings] with child[children] that they could pass their money[fortune] and businesses onto, so they did everything they could to keep Jongin on track.

It worked out, though his parents were still stressed about it. [Sentence structuring--Although it worked out, his parents were clearly stressed about it.]

 Previously, you said: Jongin always said whatever the lawyer told him to, and things just managed to work out.  Hence, there should be a connector between the two sentences.]
 

Chapter 2:

There were just a few error in tenses here and there, not too much of a biggie.  :D

Characters:

I like how the emphasis throughout the two chapters was always on Sehun and Kai. However, there are some pointers you might want to take note of.

Jongin:

I want to see Jongin’s weakness come off beautifully in this story. I think you are absolutely capable of that and yes, I am looking forward to read some tear-jerking moments!

Sehun:

I hope Sehun doesn’t become one of those punch bags we see typically in dramas or stories. It will really help if Sehun has a strong personality, maybe somewhat of Jongin’s would be good. For example, if Jongin’s temperament is fire, then Sehun’s should be water--a temperament that's opposite but of equal power, like yin and yang, so to speak. Of course, it is still entirely up to you. As a reader, I also want to explicitly read why Sehun’s always on the lookout for Jongin and that he really doesn’t have an ulterior motive behind his actions. I’m not talking about his parents paying him and stuff, but I think you do know what I mean.

Flow:

I guess your story is paced on the fast side, since it’s all so cool and ermygerd, what can I say, FAB! So yes, although it might be a bit, and may I emphasis, a bit, fast for some readers to take, it’s perfectly fine, because you’re just skimming through the seemingly unnecessary parts and keeping the focus on our male protagonist [Jongin] here. 

I loved how you interspersed the past and present parts of Jongin’s life. It made the story very easy to read and I wasn’t confused at any part.

Plot:

The plot is very interesting, and I can’t wait to read the next chapter! :D Please do explain why Jongin cut his wrist in the next chapter, and by that I mean, delve deep into his feelings and possibly let some of his past come through as well. I also want to know why Sehun's attracted to Jongin. I think this will really give your readers a compelling experience.

I also really hope you tell the readers why Jongin has a "taste for odd nourishment". Is it a physical type of nourishment or a psychological type of nourishment? What does Jongin gain out of it? If you could carve some sort of story for that aspect, or embed it like how you incorporated his past life into his present one, it will definitely take your story to a whole new level.

Overall Enjoyment:

Can I tell you how much I absolutely love the layout? It’s so beautiful! :D Sorry for the late post though!  Honestly, I read your story for about 5 or 6 times, but didn’t want to put a finger to it because I really wanted to read the next chapter. Hence, I subscribed.   I think you fit angst genres very well. I think readers who enjoy reading angst will definitely enjoy reading your story.

A/N: I hope you take your story slow and don’t rush in the future chapters. I’m sure your story will bloom beautifully :D Once again, sorry for the late post! I'm feeling totally crappy right now, because I've not gone for any interviews and am fretting about my own life :'( Anyway, good luck! :D

I hope you are satisfied with the review. If there’s anything that you would like to clarify, or would need me to further explain, please do contact me. All the best! <3

Please don't forget to credit back to this shop with my username will do. :D With a link please :) Comment after reading and an upvote will be nice :)

-Vicky <3