Spring 2008

“When?”

“What?” She looks up from her math homework.

“When are you leaving?” It’s all I’ve been able to think about the past couple of days.

“After I finish my homework. Wanna leave together?” She counts up the problems she needs to finish. “Three more, which will probably take me about twelve minutes, max.”

I nod, but that’s not what I mean. I drink up her features, because I don’t know when I’ll be able to see them for the last time. She always scrunches up her eyes in concentration when she does her homework, as if there’s a war between her mind and the paper. Her nose is button-like and just right; her lips, set slightly open, is in a cute shape that wonders all the time, as if it wants to drink up all the information on paper. And her hair, my favorite feature of all, always manages to loosen away from its tucked-behind-the-ear position—so very like her. I watch her, and I feel my heart ache.

She suddenly looks up. “Done!” I wake up from my reverie.

I nod again. Why does she bother to work so hard if she’s leaving this all behind anyway? I put my untouched books into my backpack and push the chair in, waiting for her to collect her things.

“You’re acting weird lately,” she looks at me like I’m another math problem.

“What do you mean?” I take the books away from her hands as we walk to her locker.

“You’ve been staring at me a lot. You don’t talk much. It’s really weird.”

“I heard something a few days ago.” I look at my sneakers to keep from looking at her.

“What was it?” We fall into step down the stairs.

“That you were leaving. For good,” I finally look into her eyes.

“Where’d you hear that?” She holds my gaze.

“It doesn’t matter. Why didn’t you tell me?” I’ve been wanting to ask her. We’re friends, if anything. She should have trusted me with the information.

“It was all so sudden.” She doesn’t even deny it. The reality hits me sharp in the gut. “Mom just told us one morning, and now we’re scrambling to finish all the paperwork before our visa expires.” She takes the books from my hands and puts them away in her locker.

“And when is that?” Everything is moving too fast.

“It’s—“

“Unni!” A girl jogs towards us, slightly clumsy with her uniform askew and her glasses set too low on the bridge of her nose.

“Hey,” Sohee gives her a nod.

“Are we going home? I’ve been looking all over for you.” On closer inspection, there’s something cute about her. She’s a smaller version of Sohee, a few inches shorter. There’s something endearing about that clumsiness. I register all of this in the back of my mind; all I can really think of is the unanswered question.

“Baekhyun, we need to get going. I’ll just talk to you tomorrow, okay?”

“But—“I stop as she waves goodbye and the two of them walk away.

I don’t even get to say bye.

--

Winter 2008

There really is no point telling her what I feel. Not back when I first found out she was migrating, not now that she’s an ocean and a continent away. But this fact doesn’t make the pain go away, doesn’t make the regret less bitter that I didn’t get the chance to at least tell her how I feel. I think two years was sufficient time to let her at least feel that I don’t follow her around just because I have nothing better to do with my life. I pay attention to her, I don’t forget her birthday, I don’t forget to give her Christmas gifts, not because I’m a good friend, but because I am that, and I care for her on a deeper level than friendship would allow. All I’m saying is, maybe it could have worked. If I were a month early, if I were a week early. But I wasn’t.

It’s tempting to wallow in pain and sorrow and just throw away my hard work; she is, after all, the reason I wanted to study hard. Without her, there’s no one else to impress. But this isn’t a Bronte novel. I won’t go crazy from a lost love. There’s internet. We can shoot each other emails. It’s not like I won’t ever see each other again.

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Hey

Sohee,

How are you? How’s America? I hope you’re adjusting well. Is the jetlag bad?

Everything’s the same here. Chanyeol is still annoying and still tall. But yeah. Just wanted to let you know that we all miss you here. Wish you didn’t have to leave.

With love,
Baekhyun.

I hit backspace.

Sincerely,
Baekhyun.

I won’t wallow in pain. I’ll keep studying hard. I’ll get into the best university of the country. I’ll be the best I can be. So when she comes back, she’ll see a man worth her time, one that she can see a future with. Because one thing I’ll never do is move on. I will wait for her. Because sometimes, I still want to live in a Bronte novel. She might come back. When she does, I can sweep her off her feet. And I will.

--

Sorry the second girl hasn't made a huge impact yet. She will. Soon. :D Thank you to those of you who subscribed. You're awesome. :) Comment though. please?