I love you.

To some it may be easy, but really? You think so? You think saying that three words is like learning how to breathe? Like I mean, well yeah, breathing comes naturally to all humans and I don’t think it’s hard except if you have health problems in regard to that then, no offense.

God, I’m babbling. I’m babbling to myself about the mechanism of the human body. Well not exactly, but I mean breathing is a process right? So that relates.

Jie, stop it!

Right, take a deep breath and calm down. Take a deep breath, girl, you’re gonna be alright.

So back to the topic, love. You know, falling in love is not that hard really. I swear. I mean, look at me. Eighteen, normal, plain girl, sarcastic and just realized that she’s in love. Yes, by the meaning of ‘just realized’ actually I have been for a long time that I don’t even remember when it started.

Maybe it was during the summer when we were 14, when he went through this humongous growth spurt, towering over me in just months. Or maybe it was when we were 9, how he never fail to buy me ice-cream whenever we go out to the arcade even though it was winter.  Or maybe it started last year, when he got himself a pretty girlfriend by the name Eun Mi which the person was as graceful and as beautiful as the name given. But well, they broke up after a month which then revealed that they were just a short summer fling.

Then again, I can’t remember exactly when this feeling started blooming but I do know what triggered me to realize this unfortunate feeling inside me. It is unfortunate because it is realistically. I mean, look at our situation now. He has been ignoring me after the break up with the gorgeous Eun Mi and if I count it specifically it has been a year, 2 months, 3 days, 10 hours, 19 minutes and 57 seconds. Yes, I made a countdown and it has been that long.

Despite being ‘best friends’, it had come to me once that we’d probably have a fall out. It was when he announced that he was dating Eun Mi. But there had been some significance points before that I took for granted like him declining to go to our annual enjoy-summer-at-the-beach event, not appearing at my house often for a laze and homework session or him standing me up during the firework festival. To be honest, I was angry for everything he did but when he said sorry, I just had to forgive him.

Then again, things happened. We grew apart. He spent more time with Eun Mi when they were dating, neglects my need for a best friend when I was at my lowest point of my life (well not exactly lowest, but my grades were declining and I was having trouble with my future career), getting short tempered whenever I asked him to walk back home with me and then lastly, now, him ignoring me.

I had to accept it though I did not want to. I mean, why is he even ignoring me? If I remember, I did nothing wrong to him. I walked Monggu and the kids every Saturday and Sunday evening together with him as promised. I’ve paid him back for that expensive Sergeant Keroro keychain I want when we went to Busan last two summers. I even saved half of the chocolate cake for him that mom made for my birthday.

And so, I am lost. And now, here I am. Walking down the corridor towards his class, holding onto the last trace of hope I have tightly.

I stop right in front of the class’ door.

Right, take a deep breath Jie. Everything’s gonna be alright. The world won’t end if this thing doesn’t go well. There’s plenty of fish in the sea. I mean, look, Yixing’s good looking enough though he’s a bit on the blurry side. Luhan’s okay too but he’s too pretty. There’s Chanyeol! Yeah, he will make you happy maybe. Sehun? Urgh, he looks weird sometimes. No.

“Jie?” a voice threw me off my train of thoughts.

, don’t go wandering around girl. Concentrate!

I looked up. It was Kyungsoo.

“Oh hey, D.O.” I muttered.

“Hey, it’s been a long time since the last time I saw you. How are you? What are you doing here?” Kyungsoo replied me with a smile.

His last question got me straight to the center of the target. I opened my mouth but ended up closing it again. I stared at him, into his big alien like eyes.

Yeah, what am I doing here?

Doubt starts to cloud my rationality.

Why am I here? I haven’t thought of the consequences of me coming here. What if he doesn’t want to meet me? What if there’s no way out to our problem? What if we’re going to stay like this forever? What if—

“I called her here,” Kyungsoo turned to his left.

I know whose voice is that. I recognize it. I used to find it funny when it cracks a lot when we were 14. I like how that voice always wishes me goodnight, an assurance that there will be no nightmare to come haunt me. I hate that voice when it always snaps at me last summer. I miss that voice when I stop hearing it for the last year, 2 months, 3 days, 10 hours, 26 minutes and 2 seconds.

Kyungsoo nodded with an enigmatic smile and left us alone.

The owner of the voice took hold of my hand and pulled me along as he walks towards where? I don’t know. All I could concentrate on was regulating my breathing and heartbeat. It was going too fast for my own good.

We stopped at someplace where I realized was actually the garden at the back of the senior building. It was deserted since well we, the seniors, were supposed to be in class studying for our mid-term test.

“Talk,”

“Huh?” was all I could utter. I stared at him. He was talking to me, though not normally.

He sighed. “Jie, what do you want?” he asked.

I don’t know if he did it intentionally, but the question came out harsh.

His right hand came up to run through his hair while the other was placed into his pants pocket.

He was nervous.

“Jong In,” I muttered. He looked at me.

“Jong In,” I said again.

Frankly, I must have looked like a fool. I can’t say anything. I just stood still in front of him, repeating his name over and over again.

To be honest again, I am sorry to say that I didn’t tell you all the truth on why he ignored me.

Before the summer we drifted apart, I did something a friend shouldn’t have done. It can be said as a taboo to some and it can be said as something that will happen now or later.

The day right before summer holiday, I, Roi Ji Eun, confessed to my best friend, Kim Jong In, that I love him.  I didn’t get rejected nor was I accepted. Kim Jong In, in all his grace, just smiled at me and walked me back home like nothing happened. And the rest goes as what had happened.

It could be said I have done the betrayal a friend should have not done. I crossed the line. But I was not the only one on the wrong side.

Jong In, what I thought he was, gave me signals. It was cryptic. Holding my hand when we cross the streets or when Jongdae was there (he has a puppy crush on me), singing me to sleep when I was insomniac (he gave an excuse that he’s too sleepy to brainstorm a topic for us to discuss the night out), giving me chocolates and roses during White Day (he said it was to celebrate our platonic friendship), staring at me during study hall (he said he was looking at my work) and saying that I look good even when I have bed hair (I get a feeling that he just wants to hurry to school, that’s why).

Point two is that his friends also gave indications (they were also cryptic) that he was also mutual in this feelings stuff.

Joon Myeon the wise always give this knowing smile whenever Jong In refuses to go out with them to karaoke with the girls from Jaeguk High and instead went with me to watch a crappy movie at the cinema. Baekhyun and Chanyeol will then mention that he’s whipped loudly.

Chanyeol rarely comes to the library even though we’re both were on duty. “Sorry I have band practice on Friday evenings,” was what he reasoned. Then again, he always mentioned that Jong In would love to keep me company.

Minseok whom I asked to accompany me to prom rejects me saying that Jong In will get mad if he accepts.

All the guys will always refuses to sit beside me during lunch and it will end up with Jong In huddling me off the bench sometimes.

I mean, come on. I’m not an idiot…or maybe I am? (I asked Kyungsoo and Sehun on why Jong In was ignoring me after he broke up with Eun Mi and them only face palmed themselves and told me to think about it myself. Jerks.)