“Jong In,”

She looks stupid, standing in front of me. Her wide eyes never close as she stared at me like I was a dream (well it can’t be denied anyway, I am that good).

I sighed.

“Jong In,” I looked at her. Straight into her child-like brown eyes.

When I think about it, Jie, she never grows up does she? She’s still short, her hair though long now are always messy from time to time because she hates combing it. Her eyes still shine of naivety and innocence that it pisses me off sometimes how easily deceived she can be.

Then again, it’s Jie. I don’t want her to change.

“Jong In,” she muttered again. Her eyes now glazed. A growl almost came out of me but I held it in. I hate it how easily she cries.

Roi Ji Eun, we have known each other since we were in diapers. As a factor that her mom and my mom were best friends, we turned out to be the same or somehow the same. Not that we weren’t close, hell, I can list off everything about her, good and bad.

Jie has this over butter croissants to the point that it is weird. She hates vegetables and milk but she wants to grow taller. Her favorite color is red and she thinks pink is not really a girlish color. She bites her thumb when she’s in deep thought. She always acts tough because she is the only child in the family but in the end, she cries easily. She hates being teased or looked down upon. She has a birthmark behind her left ear and a small scar in her right shoulder which she got when she fell from the jungle gym.  

She hates her long hair (she hates combing it) but I know secretly she likes it because it makes her look pretty. I mean, Chen just started courting her right after we entered high school. She doesn’t wear makeup because she’s uncomfortable with it. She has short eyelashes to the point that it is non-existent but comparison to her big eyes.

Then, you must be wondering why does a person who knows a lot about this girl feels uncomfortable being confronted by the said person right now?

“Again, what do you want Jie?” I shoved my hand through my hair again.

Well, first, this situation is frustrating.

Do you know what it’s like, to know that nothing is ever too late but when you were about to do it, you just realize that hey, maybe this is a bad idea?

Well, this is the situation I am in.

“Jong In,” her voice had decreased to a whisper. She looks down at her shoes.

It’s weird. It’s weird to actually see somebody so strong become so weak in front of you.

“Jie, you need to stop,” I said as I shoved both hands into my pants pockets.

Secondly, Jie, despite me being frustrated with her for the past year, is a very strong woman. Usually if I talked her down, she will fight back. Her eyes will go all fired up, she will bite her lips, stomp her feet, clench her hands, her hair will go all messy from her constant finger combing and if she knows that she will lose,  she will tell me to ‘bite her’.

But now, she’s not doing any of her usual habits.

She did bit her lips though, to hold in her tears.

 “Why are you here Jie? You shouldn’t have come if all you’re gonna do is repeat my name like an idiot,”

“I-I,” Jie stuttered.

She never stutters. In the 19 years that we know each other, Jie never stutters. She’s someone who knows how to stand up for herself.

“You shouldn’t have come,”

Her right hand move to clutch its twin. She was still looking at the ground.

I sighed again.   

“Look, to compensate, I’m sorry for ignoring you. That’s what you want to hear right? So there you go. I’m going now,” I bit the inside of my mouth.

I didn’t mean to be this harsh with her but it’s for the best. I didn’t know what else to do.

Just as I was about to walk past her, a sniffle broke my reverie.

“What’s your problem Jong In? What the hell if your problem?” she pushed me. Her voice wavered.

“Nothing’s wrong,” I said through clenched teeth. I took a step back. Need to find an escape.

“No there’s something, you suddenly turn into this jerk like person. It pisses me off. I know I was wrong and I am sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry Jong In,” she looked at me.

Third, she always apologizes even though I was at fault. Don’t say sorry. I don’t want her to say sorry.

“I didn’t expect us to turn out this way,” she mumbled.

That pisses me off alright.

“What the , Jie? You didn’t expect us to turn out this way? You must be joking,”

There it was the blazing eyes. Her jaw clenched as her hand starts to comb her hair.

“I said I am sorry Jong In. What do you expect, me to go back in time and slap myself before I said those words?”

“Well, that’d be nice,” I muttered.

She growled and stomp her foot.

“You are such a bastard Kim Jong In. I don’t even know why I l--,”

“Don’t say that. Don’t you say that thing,” I growled back at her.

It’s not that I hate hearing her say that. It’s just, I’m not ready. Not now. Not yet.

She was huffing with the suppressed anger she held in herself.

I glared.

Once again, her strong walls came crumbling down. Her eyes lost the fire and shifted blank. She fingers combed her hair again but slowly this time, arranging it carefully.

“I give up,” she said and walked away.

I stared at her back until she disappears.

And lastly, she gives up on me easily nowadays that is why.

No, this is not the first time Jie had come to me to work out our relationship.

She had come once after I broke off my so called ‘relationship’ with Eun Mi but I shove her off. She came again before winter holidays but I escaped before she could find me. And again, she came to my house last summer holiday and I pretended that I didn’t know her. Whenever she called, I didn’t pick up. Whenever she messaged, I didn’t reply.

Why you wonder?

Well, I wonder why also.

“Kai!” Taemin called as I entered the senior building. Before answering, I looked around.

Jie was not there anymore.

“Hey,” I smiled.

Maybe, maybe it’s because I’m a coward.

Or maybe…

Because I’m a fool.