How to Say Goodbye

“I don’t know how to describe Jiho, really,” Hansol began, holding back his tears. “Except that, deep down, he was a good guy.”

Jiyoon couldn’t bear to look up, to see Hansol as he read his speech. Her brother looked over at her, watching sadly as she shook. He reached over and put an arm around her, pulling her into his hold. She was shaking again, and he could feel her small body as she sobbed so no one could hear her.

Ever since Jiho had died, Jiyoon had been shaking whenever she thought about him. And she thought about him a lot.

She blamed herself for a lot of it. Even though he’d stated in his final video that he didn’t regret what he’d been about to do, that she shouldn’t feel sorry for him, she couldn’t help it.

He’d been within reach.

Jiho could’ve been saved.

If she’d only been faster, maybe he wouldn’t be buried six feet under. Maybe he’d have been there with her. Maybe they would’ve had a second chance at being friends.

Maybe.

She looked around the crowd. She saw the faces of all of Hansol and Jiho’s friends, looking downtrodden and guilty at the loss of their friend, their brother. She saw all of her friends, all of them having similar looks of sympathy and sadness simply for the loss of someone so young.

And then, she looked to the boy next to her.

He’d dyed his hair, bleaching it to become a much lighter blond. He’d gotten another piercing in his right ear, and a tattoo on his wrist.

Tao was watching with guilty eyes. Both of his hands were clenched into fists, his nails digging into his palm. She frowned, looking up at him.

If Jiyoon had been guilty over not being able to help Jiho, Tao was ten times guiltier for being the one to receive Jiho’s heart.

Jiho’s heart was strong, healthy. Dr. Lee said it would most definitely be the heart that would carry Tao throughout the rest of his life. He was the surgeon who performed the operation on Tao.

At first, they’d obliged by Jiho’s last request.

“Tao, we found you a heart. We’re going to operate as soon as we possibly can. How does that sound?”

“Whose heart is it? Can I see the donor?”

“The donor wanted to remain anonymous, even in death. We’re not allowed to disclose the name of the donor if they don’t wish to be known to the recipient.”

“Why don’t they want to be known?”

“… We’re not sure, Tao.”

The surgery had taken a long time. Everyone in the waiting room had been on the edge of their seats, waiting for the surgery to finish, waiting to know whether or not their friend was going to make it off the table.

It’d taken eight long, tiring hours for the surgery to finish, but the triumphant looks on the exhausted faces of the surgeon and his assistants made those hours worth it.

They’d saved Tao.

Jiyoon had cried and cried, hugging everyone in the room as she sobbed. She’d clung to Soojung and Minseok until Andi pulled the younger girl away, suggesting that they get something to eat to celebrate the success of the surgery. Jiyoon had refused, opting to stay in the hospital room assigned to Tao.

She sat there for hours, only eating when Minseok practically forced the noodles and bubble tea he’d brought back down , feeding her because she refused to let go of Tao’s hand.

“I won’t leave him. I said I wouldn’t leave him alone. He never left me alone when I was healing from these scars. I want to be able to do the same for him.”

Even when visiting hours ended, she refused to leave, telling the nurses and doctors over and over again that she wanted to stay, that she wouldn’t leave. And when they asked why, she looked over at the sleeping, drugged Tao with a soft smile on her face. It made them think of the times when they were like she was, young and in love.

“I love him. I’d die if I had to leave him like this.”

Even with everything that had happened – Jiho’s death, Tao’s surgery – being near him calmed her. It made her feel like everything bad in the world didn’t exist. It made her feel safe, warm, and protected.

Tao was sleeping for almost twenty-four hours by the time he woke up.

The first thing he did was stretch, then look over to find a bag with several containers, all full of Chinese food that Minseok had made for him. As he felt his stomach rumble, he reached over to the bag, he felt a weight on his bed. He looked down, his eyes catching sight of the small brunette who’d stolen his heart.

He smiled and placed a hand on her head, running his fingers over her soft hair. Even thought it’d only been a few days, he’d missed being able to do that.

At the sight of her face, he felt his heart skip a beat.

And this time, it didn’t hurt.

He liked being able to feel his heart skip a beat and not have to worry that his heart was beating irregularly. He liked being able to feel his heart swell like it was about to burst and know it was out of affection and love, not of pain and hurt. He liked being able to feel his heart beating faster and faster and not have to worry that it would make him pass out.

Tao felt her stirring under his fingers, but he didn’t move away at all. Instead, he smiled and muttered sweet words as she opened her eyes.

“Tao… you’re alive.”

“I am. You haven’t left here, have you?”

“I would never leave you.”

“Thank you, Jiyoon.”

He’d held her close as she started crying, clinging to his ugly hospital gown. He nuzzled his nose into her hair, smelling the sweet scent of oranges, a scent he loved so dearly.

“Thank God, Tao… I was about to go crazy… If I lost another person…”

He froze, hearing her soft murmurs against his skin. Gently, slowly, he pulled away from her, looking directly into her eyes.

“What do you mean by ‘another person…?’”

She hesitated to tell him, biting her lip and avoiding his gaze. She shook her head, silently refusing to say anything. She’d promised herself that she’d honor Jiho’s last wish, to not let Tao know just whose heart he received. It would break Tao, and it would dishonor Jiho’s memory.

“Jiyoon…?”

The last thing she wanted to do was dishonor Jiho.

But she didn’t want to lie to Tao, either.

“Jiho… he’s gone…”

Tao’s entire body had frozen. He made the connection, he understood immediately. He shook his head, not wanting to believe it at all, that the person w