I’ve learnt to move on from the mistakes I’ve made from the past. It was the wrong choice. We were best friends and we should have kept it like that. But no, that was not what happened. We both crossed the line – our friendship has turned from something worth cherishing into something regrettable.

I don’t remember exactly when this started. We were living an ordinary life being the best of friends. All of a sudden, our friendship slowly drifted away and we became more than friends, being closer ever than before. I’m clueless, you could say. Since when did our relationship change, I have yet to discover it.

My mistake was accepting his confession. That was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. I shouldn’t have agreed to be his girl and he shouldn’t have asked me in the first place. I liked being the best of friends since young but everything gradually crashed when we clicked. I used to cherish the times we spent together. I miss our old and younger selves.

I remember enjoying our childhood days together, sometimes walking home together and most definitely we make stupid jokes all the time. I loved the way we laughed at our stupid and silly jokes that nobody understood, making it our inside jokes. I loved the moments we shared glancing from each other whilst sneaking up on people to attempt to scare them. I miss those times when we would talk about anything as if the word secret never did exist in the world. I miss those days when he would walk me home at times. I miss those days… that shared the most precious memories of us.

But what happened to those memories now? They’re gone forever. I suppose I am the only one who still remembers those painful days whilst he most likely forgot about them all. I highly doubt he will want to remember. To me, it was worth remembering. As for him, he probably thinks it’s something that goes by daily – nothing important to reminisce.

I want to forget. Like him, I want to erase all those memories that I’ve kept with me for years. I want to start afresh and move on instead of dwelling in the past. I want to find a better best friend that won’t leave me regardless of our situation. I want someone who will understand that I may look strong on the outside but really, I’m just another fragile little girl on the inside.

Dear Jerk,

                I hope you read this. Wait, scratch that. I hope you don’t read this because what I’m going to write will be about you but not in a good way. You’re a bastard, do you know that? Just when I thought we were going smoothly, you decide to end things. Is this what you call being the ‘best of friends’? Really, I don’t think it’s the best choice to walk out on your best friend at the time she needs you. Honestly, I don’t know what I saw in you. We were fine off being best friends you know. And as much as I really liked you, I shouldn’t have agreed to your stupid confession. I really regret everything now; but the past is the past and nothing can change us in the present.

                Since when did I like you? Even I can’t remember… I think it was after knowing how nice you were to people. I didn’t care if people thought you were different from them. Truth is... everyone is different. If every male species in the world were to be exact replicas of each other, then there’s no point of boasting about our personal guys, is there? Then everyone would have the same type of men by their side. I don’t want that. Regardless if you’re a nerd or a geek, I like you for who you are, not what you are.

Aish. Who am I kidding? You were nice but after some time, I got to know your true nature. You’re just another guy who would decide to take the easy way out of ending things. Cheat. I don’t know exactly what the reason is for our separation but I don’t care. I don’t even want to know how we split apart and went our separate ways. You want to know why? Because I like my current life right now.

Ha. Ha. Ha. People must think I’m happy, putting on a fake smile from time to time to show them that I’m okay. In truth, I’m not okay. I’m just another fragile girl who had her heart broken multiple times. A heart that can’t take the pain of having someone she once loved, trusted, and relied on, to have stomped on that heart and crashing it into a million shattered pieces. I can’t tolerate that kind of pain.

Do you know what song makes me think of you? Lies by Big Bang. Even if I may not understand the meaning behind the lyrics, it’s enough to make me reminisce our fun times together. But now I’m going to have to take those memories and turn them into ash. It’s the only way to completely erase you from my mind. I’ve learned from the mistake I made. I’ve learned to move on from the past. I’ve learned to forget you entirely.

Sincerely,
                               the silly girl who fell in love with you but had her heart broken.

I need to get him out of my mind and hopefully out of my life. We pass by the hallways every day without an exchange of words. Not even the slightest most commonly used greeting, hi. What am I supposed to do? If he’s not going to make an effort in talking to his ex-best friend, then there’s no use for her to start a conversation with him at all, am I right? I understand if he doesn’t want to be friends with a weirdo who would be me, but it wouldn’t hurt to at least greet that ‘weirdo’ once in a while, just to let her know that they can still be friends.

Dear Jerk,

I know time can’t reverse but if there was a time machine, I would want to go back to the time where we didn’t cross the friendship line. Do you know how much I miss you? No, you don’t because you don’t miss me. It pains me to see you walk by in the halls as if I’m invisible. It pains me to know that you’ve changed into a completely different person. It pains me to know that the old you is no longer there. So if you changed, why can’t I? Changing into someone else feels kind of nice. The worries from the past are still there but it no longer feels like a burden is still there. I feel… freer than before.

I have to thank you for walking out of my life. Without your initiative, I wouldn’t have been able to make new friend, meet new people, and gain trust again. But I won’t forget my very first best guy friend who was always there for me. No matter how much I want to erase you from my life, I wouldn’t be able to. But I will try as much as I can to do so.

I guess this is goodbye. This will be the last letter I’m writing to you. I hope you won’t ever read this. Not the next second, not the next minute, not the next hour, day, month, year, decade. Just never. But if you so happen to come across this letter, just know that my love for you has died, that I’m slowly going to forget you, I won’t avoid you but just think that you don’t exist in my world, and that you were once my best childhood friend that I loved and cherished. Thank you for being a wonderful friend.

Goodbye,
        Silly girl.

The night was slightly breezy and dark. The public park a couple of blocks down from Seoyoung’s apartment was empty. It was the perfect place for her to complete her mission assigned by herself. She carried a black Jansport backpack with her, the inside filled with many stuff that made it quite heavy for the young and weak girl. She laid everything out properly, organizing everything as she was quite the organisable person she is. The first few things she took out was a scrapbook personally handcrafted by the artist, albums filled with many photos, cards from various holidays, and etcetera.

She started making a pile of things she wouldn’t need. The old photo album filled with pictures of them that Seoyoung had kept from childhood was thrown into the pile of other objects that were meant to be burned. She emptied the entire knapsack of her past memories with the already growing mountain. It went from pictures of them and their other friends to gifts he bought for her on holidays. And from there on, anything else that traced memories between the two.

A tear trickled down her cheeks as she took out her lighter and lit the mound of many years worth of memory, burning everything with passion.

“Goodbye, my friend.” Her voice cracking, she said one last time, watching as the items slowly turned to ash before walking away from the site.