I watched the human loosening his clerical collar across the old table from his own house and wondered if that was the reason Father loved his kind so dearly. Their fragility, their natural fear, their incapability of looking beyond appearances – they were nothing like my kind and yet they were the ‘chosen ones’.

“I know I’m handsome, but I have my tastes, you know?” I raised my browns at his staring.

“What did you do to Mike?”         

I frowned. “I don’t understand why you call him that way,” I admitted out loud. “He’s Michael, the Holy Soldier of Heaven, the right hand of God himself in battle. And yet you call him ‘Mike’. Why?”

Kim Sunggyu, the priest – he looked me straight in the eyes, no fear lurking in his dark brown irises. “Because he’s my friend. He has always been next to me, ever since I was born.”

“We call that ‘guardian angel’, but I highly doubt God put him in charge of you since he’s a precious archangel,” I denied his theory immediately.

But he shook his head stubbornly. “Maybe more than a guardian angel, he was my friend. Not only that he saved my from all the stupid things I did when I was young, but he remained by my side when everyone else left. So it’s only natural that I care for him as well. So, what did you do to him?”

Or maybe it was their incredible capability of affection that made Father look over them with so much gentleness?

“I sent him to Sahara or some other place,” I answered, admitting to myself that the man deserved his answer. “Don’t you worry, he’ll be back before you notice. Now, tell me, did Suho, or Michael or however you want to call him, trained you? Taught you how to use weapons? Fabricate explosives out of holy water and crucifixes?”

“I am a priest!” Kim Sunggyu threw me a look as if I was a in front of the altar.

“Then why was he keeping you hidden from me?” My eyebrow cocked immediately in disbelief. “It can’t be that he thought you’d be able to kill me or send me in the pits of Hell with just some Latin blabbering!”

“You said I know your name, not your story. How about you tell me your story? And then I’ll tell you why Mike or Suho, kept me hidden from you from my birth till now.”

Or maybe it was their cunningness that made them dear?

“You, you’re a nasty one,” I laughed his condition away while standing up from my place across the table. “How come you became a priest in first place?” I wondered while looking at his adolescent self smiling widely from a picture on a white cabinet. “You look more like a star than a God’s soldier. Oh, oh, don’t tell me! You’re gay and your father threatened you to kill you if it’s found out?”

“No,” he took the photo from my hands and placed it back on the shelf, “ but thank you for being such a sweetheart. Actually… actually I never thought of being a priest when I was young. I always imagined myself standing on the stage in front of thousands of people, singing to make them feel better. But as you know, the ways of the Lord are mysterious indeed.”

“And here we are,” I looked around at the simple living room with the red carped and deep brown furniture complementing each other while uniting it with the flowery kitchen. “You a priest serving my dead Father and me trying to understand something that was never said to me. Quite a challenge, don’t you think?”

But Kim Sunggyu was looking at a picture and seemed to have forgotten where he was and that he was in the presence of an almighty being – me.

“Who’s that?” I peeked over his shoulder.

“The one woman I loved more than my dream, Liesl,” his smile reached his eyes in a matter of nanoseconds, making me step backwards. “She was the daughter of the priest in my hometown. Her father forbade her to meet a punk like me and sent her back to Austria, where she were to be supervised by Catholic nuns. But instead of getting on the plane, she ran away and came to my house saying she trusts me and that she’ll wait for me to see the way Lord had prepared for me,” he continued, gently caressing the image of the young woman dressed in beige. “It was one hell of a ride from being a stoned motorbiker to that of being the man of God. But it was worth the struggle.”

No, it was definitely the way they were capable of compassion and deep ties of affection across time and worlds – that’s what made them precious to father. But then, why was I the one who was cast away?

“You said your name is Kim Woo Bin,” he then turned to me, surprising me by remembering the name no one knew except for me and a dead God. After all, I said it out loud only once and even before, no one bothered to remember it. No one except for one…

“That’s right,” I agreed with him, turning around to hide my confused thoughts.

“Does it have a meaning? ‘Cause ‘Lucifer’ means –”

“Bringer of light,” I muttered. “I know the meaning of my own name, you know?’ I chuckled softly, looking outside the window as the snow was falling, covering the frozen ground. “I was born from a dying star’s last ray of light. It’s ironic how I was my mom’s last chance of shining brightly when in fact all I did was to bring disgrace to the name she whispered to me as she was fading away. And I was named Lucifer by my Father, the first one who bathed me into his light. And I took that name and none other, keeping my real name just for me. Only one person learned it as time passed…”

“You keep mentioning this one person,” Sunggyu brought warm tea from the cooking machine close by. “Who was she?”

“Tell me, what happened to your Liesl?” I countered his question with yet another one while plucking out a white feather that was disturbing my sight in between all the darkness of my wings.

That’s when I saw how the real twilight looked like. The light in his eyes, the smile in the corner of them, the playfulness in the corner of his mouth – they all died away in a blink of an eye. And darkness settled in him.

“She died during birth,” he revealed with a gentle smile.

And I suddenly realized the meaning of humanity in Father’s eyes: it wasn’t their capability of loving even a broken butterfly, nor was the fact that they were unique through birth and personalities, through destiny and power to defy whatever He had written for them. No, it was the simple fact that even in death, they would be remembered. A year, ten, fifty or a century, they’d be remembered by all generations to come at a certain moment. They had the capability of dying and yet they’d stay alive while us, the angels…

“Let me tell you about the downfall of the one you mortals call ‘the devil’. I won’t lie to you, it’s neither pretty, nor righteous. It’s just a story – my story…”

* * *

The light of the stars were the pretties among all the lights in the Universe Father was creating. I knew that. The others didn’t. They loved the power and heat of a certain new star that strangely, wouldn’t shine during the night but during daylight. Yes, it was warm while the light of the night stars was cold and rather melancholic and yes, it was powerful enough to make my brothers powerful, their milky skin shining and irradiating warmth. And oh, how every angel would listen to them, with their hair in the wind, their armors shining!

I was the odd one. I knew that. Out of the eight brothers, I was the strange one, the one no one saw for real, but knew of his existence. But I was alright. For I had Father to talk to and one of my brothers, the youngest and the most friendly one, archangel Michael or Kim Joon Myun, as he whispered to me one evening. And I had my freedom of will and thought, the power to wonder around all Nine Heavens and watch over Father’s creation.

And then it happened – the glitch in His creative process.

“Father, what’s that strange being there?” I asked one day after looking down upon the newly created planet whom He named Earth.

The light shone brighter with happiness towards my sense of observation.

“It looks like… us. Oh, Father, you sent one of my brothers out there to test the new planet once again?!” I tried to get a closer look, horrified that I might see Michael or Gabriel or even Raphael wandering on two feet, with no wings to carry them back to Heaven. “Now that angel doesn’t look familiar to me, Father,” I frowned at the strange being. “Did the Moon bore another angel? No? It’s your creation?! You made them by your own image? They? Looking like you? But… why? Aren’t we enough, Father? Weren’t you the one that ordered the Moon to bear celestial beings made of light, so that we’d all be like you?”

But His light disappeared and left me tremble with a feeling I never had before: disappointment mixed with anger perhaps.

And long I wondered around the Heavens. Eons passed in seconds while I looked for an answer, for a reason that would make me understand Father’s attitude towards us, his own kind. We were His children. We were the first creations of Him. Not the mud puppets!

“Brother,” Joon Myun approached me with a strange look in his eyes, “Father summoned us all on Cloud Nine.”

“Why?” I turned to him, feeling him strange and cold, beyond my power of reach. “Why on Cloud Nine? All of us? Joon Myun?”

When he stopped in his flight I knew something snapped out of place. Something only I could see. “It’s Michael, Lucifer. That’s my name. And why are you asking so many questions? It’s Father’s order and we must obey?”

“Obey?” I was taken aback. Horrified by the marble like appearance of my little brother. “Obey?!”

“Yes, obey, Lucifer,” he resumed his flight. “Obey or suffer.”

That’s when I knew something happened. Change came over us and caged them into being nothing but our Father’s soldiers. And not only that He changed my brothers and sisters, taking away their power to rationate by themselves, imprisoning their spirit, their liberty of thought and will, but he made us all look over his mud puppets, ordering us to bow down to them, to worship and protect them from being hurt. For they were His ultimate creation and their harmony was not to be ruined.

That I couldn’t bear to hear or see, so I ran away. I flew with the speed of the light and hid in the darkest corner of Heaven, a dark spot on the canopy of the sky – the place mother fell from right after giving birth to me. And I let darkness wrap its wings around me, allowing me to think without being influenced by anything and anyone. How could I bow down to those mud puppets? How could I, the supreme creation of my Father, lower myself in such a way?!

And then I heard His voice. Gentle, but firm, he told me to go down on Earth and see for myself what was the meaning of His creation.

So I did. I descended on Earth. It was summer on Earth and trees were greener than emeralds, their leafs rustling in the wind as the sea was washing the shore calmly, almost sounding like a lullaby. It was summer when I first stepped on warm stones bathed all day in sunlight. It was summer and warm outside, while I had a blizzard on the inside, scratching me with icy claws. And from all the humans that were walking under my eyes, I chose a random one to allow holy vision so that it could see me. And the odds were for a girl. Weak, with skinny arms and legs, long dark hair and eyes shaded by long eyelashes, she was sitting on a stony balcony, her eyes closed and hands resting on her abdomen. The material dressing her was pure white, with silvery straps and an embroidered belt around her waist.

“Who are you?” She asked, her eyes still closed.

“I am Lucifer, the archangel, Commander of your God’s legion,” I answered, stepping closer down on the marble of the balcony.

“Are you here to take me away?”

“I am the Angel of Light. You’re mistaking me for the Angel of Darkness or Death as you call him here,” I touched her hand lightly, quickly retreating my fingers as her skin was burning under my touch. “Are you afraid of dying, human?”

“Shouldn’t I be?” She opened her eyes, bathing me in the blue of her stare. “For what is there waiting for me apart from darkness and coldness? Is there a world of those who have died? Is there a land where we are to remain forever, away from misery and all the suffering we had felt or seen here, on this dying Earth? I do not know of such a thing since none that died returned to speak of such things. So yes, I am afraid of dying.”

“You’re young and yet wise,” I replied, impressed by the philosophy of the ephemeral soul I had in front of me.

“What does age have to do with the mind? I have seen all that there is to see in my father’s kingdom and felt all the feelings a heart can embrace without breaking into pieces. I should be wise. But then here I am, conversing with an imaginary being. Maybe I am not that wise as I thought I was…”

“Imaginary being?” I frowned. “I am afraid I do not understand the concept. Mind to explain?”

“You are the creation of my mind, caused by the lecture of that strange book there,” she pointed to the heavy book that was resting on the floor. “The language – it probably confused my mind to such an extend that I ended up thinking angels are real. Like that statue. You’re probably that statue and I’m talking in my sleep to it.”

I ly to notice a weak and unrealistic representation of one of my brothers. But it was none. It had the powerful body structure of Raphael, the sweet features of Michael, the short hair of Uriel and my wings. But otherwise it was nothing but stone, a soulless stone that was staring at me with white eyes.

“I am real, of that I can assure you,” I spoke while opening the book she indicated from her bed of flowers. “And this you were reading is nothing but a book of bedtime stories that probably fell from our library. It speaks of our creation and the legend of the Moon, how Father ordered her to bear him children made of light that would look like him and yet be unique and beautiful. It speaks of his supreme creation,” I closed the book and placed it back on the floor.

“How can I trust your words? I understand what you are saying, but you’re cold and distant unlike those who surround me daily. You don’t seem trustworthy.”

“How about you?” I resorted, annoyed by her calm stare. “I descended here to talk to you and yet you remain untouched by my powers, your eyes calmly following me around as if I am a toy made for entertainment! You’re cold and disrespectful towards a power beyond your understanding!”

“How about me?! You come into my home, a stranger and you disrespect me by talking like that! You might be made by God, but it’s not Him the one that controls your mind and tongue, is it?”

And I remained stoned, totally taken aback by her sense of perception.

“How did you know?” I whispered, suddenly afraid.

“I know angels,” her shoulders moved in a strange gesture – up and down, up and down. “I spoke with them before. And none was like you. They were all warm and approachable, gentle and kind. And yet you’re cold and distant. Your thoughts are out of my reach. I cannot read you. So, what are you?”

I sighed and looked up to the sky above. It had been the will of Father to meet the human with powers of understanding to match that of a free angel. Back then, when my brothers were unrestrained by a rules-constructed conduct, she would have been a great match for Uriel or even for Michael. And yet, she was forced into debate with me, the only angel who conversed with only himself for long enough to understand that humans think in concepts and ideas, while angels in facts that come to being almost instantly.

“If I tell you a secret, will you consider me trustworthy?” I finally spoke, softer than before, driven by curiosity more than ever.

“A secret? Angels can have secrets?” She looked surprised for the first time.

“I can. I have free will and the power of my thoughts are a river that flows parallel with my Father’s, never intertwining.”

“Then you are a very special angel.”

“Not special, but strange,” I admitted out loud for the first time. “My secret consists of one name. My name. You see, I wasn’t born from my Father’s will, but from the wish of a dying star. I was the first celestial being that joined my Father in Heaven and thus I naturally became a leader of those who came later. And although everybody knows me by Lucifer, they do not know the secret of my birth… I already had a name when I came to being. And it was my choice to keep it a secret. Until now, princess.”

“I see you already know to whom you’re addressing. Indeed, I am a princess,” she finally stood up from her bed. She was taller than expected. Taller than the others of her kind anyway. But even so, she was barely reaching my shoulder. “I am princess Yaelle.”

“And I am Kim Woo Bin, the one born from a dying star,” I took the hand she offered by impulse, my eyes widening in surprise when my skin came in contact with hers – we suddenly had the same temperature.

* * *

Plucking out yet another white feather that grew out of nowhere, I stopped my tale and looked outside to the snow that never stopped falling. It was dead still outside and everything was white.

“Oh, flowers and cupcakes! I’ll get bald if this continues!” I mumbled exasperated by the white feathers that kept on appearing, out growing the black ones.

“Flowers and cupcakes?!” Sunggyu’s eyebrow shot up in amusement.

“What? Do you think that only because I am considered to be the devil I swear like a motorbiker?” I resorted, rolling my eyes.

“Hey! No picking on the past selves, alright?!”

And I half smiled. For the first time in a very, very, very long time I felt like smiling. Not whole heartily, but still a smile. It was almost like back then…

“And?” Sunggyu stared at me, sipping from what seemed to be a sweet and disgustingly cold tea.

“And what? Don’t expect me to start crying, ‘cause it’s definitely not matching with my fabulous personality!”

“What happened with you and the princess,” he rolled his eyes at me.

“I… We bonded in a way I never expected. She was clever and wise, but still a child to me. Next to her I felt old and young at the same time, a laughter and a bitter tear. She showed me things and taught me things I didn’t want to see or learn before. Stubbornness was her main quality. If she wanted to see me, then God forbid me not appear in front of her, or she’d make Heavens tremble with her continuous rattle,” I intertwined my fingers on the table, squeezing them tightly to keep the wind that was whistling inside my chest to minimum. “Princess Yaelle was… the treasure of humanity, the pearl of my Father’s creation. The one that made the first miracle for me – she showed me love. She was… summer in my life, full in bloom like a white rose in the middle of colourful garden. ​ But of course, nothing is flawless for humans and so I had to watch her downfall – Yaelle had a heart sickness. Please mind, we speak of times that aren’t even mentioned now in your history, so a cure was out of reach,” I struggled with continuing my story. “You have to understand that I was desperate. Father had shut me out. My brothers were no longer those from before to whom I could reach out when in distress or trouble. I had to come up with my own solution…”

I looked at Sunggyu and I could see the pain reflected in his eyes. For the first time, someone was understanding me.

“It must have been difficult for you,” he reached out for my hand and squeezed it powerfully enough for me, the numb me, to feel it, to feel its warmth.

“Actually it was simple,” I shook my head and retreated my hand, embarrassed. “Simple as breathing. I was about to open my chest and give my hearts to her.”

“About?”

“Yes. ‘Cause Father found out and everything was ruined in a blink of an eyes…”

* * *

She touched my chest with a hesitant hand, her eyes widening at the discovering of the nine pounding heart beats echoing inside of me.

“No, this is wrong,” she quickly retreat it. “I shall not fall into temptation!”

“Yaelle,” I gently raised her chin so that she looked into my eyes. “I do not need them to live. I am a celestial being, remember? None of my brothers have hearts ever since Father created your kind. Are they not alright? They’re perfect! They’re even adored by your people while I am barely mentioned in prayers,” I tried to laugh even though time was flying by quickly. “I will be perfectly fine without them!”

“No, you won’t. You won’t be the same,” she shook her head vigorously, unwilling to give up. “You won’t be… you, Kim Woo Bin. You won’t be here, next to me to hold me and understand me, to guide me with your light and keep me warm. You won’t understand me like you do now and you surely won’t answer my callings like you do now. You won’t… love me any longer. So, no. And no shall it be.”

That’s when desperation sank its sharp teeth into my body, grabbing a hold of my mind and spirit.

“Yaelle, can’t you see? If you die, I will be unable to be the same. If you die, I will end up doing something reckless and be cast away from Heaven only to be able to die,” I spoke, walking away from her and starting to pace around the room, feeling the heaviness of my armor pressing on my shoulders for the first time. “If you die – I no longer care about Paradise or Father or all my brothers out there. I love you and I want to know that at least you’ll be fine even if I change! It’s not the heart that loves you, but the spirit, my mind, my body heat, my light, my strength, my whole being. These hearts that beat inside of me are an anomaly anyway! So please, accept them and give my mind some rest. Please, I beg you to do this for me,” I pleaded in front of her, pressing her walls until they broke.

“If it is your wish, then it’s the least I could do to repay you for the love you shown me,” she accepted after seconds of silence.

“Thank you,” I could only murmur as I pushed down the armor, preparing to dig into my flesh with my own nails and pull out the hearts.

But a bright light appeared and shone down on me, blinding me.

And then nothingness. I was suspended somewhere between Heaven and the center of all Universe.

“No! Please, Father!” I begged over and over again from the bowl of light where he had trapped me. “Let me save her! Wasn’t it you who sent me to her? Wasn’t it you the one who told us to love your humans more than you?! Then why won’t you let me save her?! I love her, Father! I love her! I love her! Let me go to her or she’ll die!”

But the light only got brighter, indicating that His fury was increasing.

“If you don’t let me go to her, then you can kill me right now. I won’t live like my brothers to obey your orders, that you should know! I am not yours to order around. I am a being almost as old as you and I will not be under the command of a tiran! Let me save Yaelle and I will be whatever you want me to. I will even give up on my position within Heaven and lead a humble life among regular soldiers. Just… let me save her, Father.”

I was wrong to believe my plea would make him kinder. It only made him madder.

“No! Father, no!”

* * *

Once again I saw myself needed to stop. The white feather were annoying the Hell out of me!

“What happened to you afterwards?” Sunggyu’s curiosity was like a stinging bee. Only that his curiosity wasn’t dying like a regular bee. So it probably was wasp.

“I fell from Heaven and BAM! you got Hell and I had a throne of my own,’ I replied, dusting off the white feathers on the table and turning them into stellar dust.

“And the princess?”

I frowned. “She got punished as well. Her youth was taken from her, but Father granted her immortality so she would remain alive to see the downfall of her people and the raise of others on the land that used to be hers. And she was hidden from me forever,” I whispered while standing up from my place and walking to the window once again. “No matter how hard I looked for her, no matter how much I sent all demons and worshippers to find her, she remained hidden. And now Father is gone and I’m left without her for an eternity. Isn’t this ironic?” I turned to the priest that seemed lost in deep thought. “How the one you call ‘devil’ has fallen because of his love for a human? This, my dear Kim Sunggyu, is the story they never told.”

Looking at him I realized he hadn’t yet reached his fifties. And yet he looked like a sage: wise and old, able to understand beyond human capacity. Maybe that was his role in my story, to listen and allow me to finally tell someone the truth of my existence. For many had called me names and cursed my existence without knowing the truth.

“Well, I think it’s time to go,” I realized I had a Hell to run and no time to chit-chat. “Mike should be back any time now, so I’d better be gone by then. Arriver-”

“Wait! I never told you why Michael was ordered to hide me from you,” Sunggyu stopped me right before vanishing from his house. “Aren’t you at least curious to know why you were chasing after me all these years?”

Thinking about it, curiosity had indeed pulled my strings every single time I thought of the man in front of me. “Alright, seems only fair that you keep your part of deal as I held mine. So, what’s the reason? Are you some strange fallen angel that discovered a way to turn human? If so, hey, mind to share?”

“I am the one who knows where Yaelle is.”