11.11.

Three days ago Jong’s CSAT exams were over. I was a little worried. It’s not that he would do badly: if you spent any time with him, you could easily hear him quoting someone like Kafka or any other foreign writer I don’t know, but in school, he doesn’t really concentrate.

I waited for him with hundreds of parents and families after the tests were over. I saw his mother there too, but I doubted she would recognize me from behind. I suddenly became worried that I wouldn’t find him when everyone would come out. That I would just stand there alone when everyone else would find who they were waiting for. It was a weird feeling.

But I recognized him as soon as he came out, of course. He looked somewhat like a child when he ran towards me. He was so fast I didn’t have time to realize what he was doing before he had pulled me between his arms and taken me to his embrace.

I don’t think we have ever hugged before that. I just kind of stood there, too stunned to do anything. Just when I moved my hands to hold his waist he let me go. I felt like someone had spilled a wave of happiness all over me, and I can still feel it, even though it’s fading away.

I could tell when he saw his mother standing behind us. His smile faded a little, but was still warm. He grabbed my hand and dragged me with him to her. My heart started pounding nervously even though I knew she couldn’t say anything, but somehow it made me nervous that she saw us holding hands.

I really wanted to tell him “no” when he asked if can I come with them. His mother just nodded smiling that same smile I think I have seen her wearing every time she’s with people. It always makes me feel uncomfortable. She drove us and we picked up his father before we headed to some restaurant I’ve never been before. felt so small. I hate it.

They are these people who have a car and eat in nice restaurants. And they have these comments like “it’s nice how your family can live so modestly”. I just really wanted to push the whole plate to his face. I would really like to see if that smile of hers would still keep its place.

I was really relieved when we left. In the middle of the journey to their house hyung told his parents he wanted to walk the rest of the way. His father just stopped the car and said nothing. His mother still smiled. It felt awkward, but Jong didn’t seem to mind it, so I didn’t either.

And as the car vanished around the corner he took my hand and I was able to forget them.

Key

16.11.

Hyung is leaving for the weekend with his family to visit someone from his father's side. It’s not like I won’t ever see him again, but I feel like I’m already missing him. Just the idea that he’s not here, not for me to reach out to, makes me feel like the bond between us has been stretched out to the extreme. But at the same time I like the feeling. Simply said, it’s complicated.

This time I was the one hugging him when we walked together from the school. I just want to lay there forever, dig into his embrace. And love him to eternity, or as endlessly as my moderately short human life lets me.

I love him. I’ve always loved him. I don’t know if it’s this “gay” love they tell us is bad. I just know it’s this unconditional love, that I can’t push aside, that I won’t push aside. I think I heard somewhere that lovers feel like they’ve known each other forever, that’s how I feel.

Key

24.11.

He texted me yesterday evening asking if he could come here. Of course I let him. My first sign was how fast he came after the text. He must have messaged me when he was on his way already. But when he came, I could clearly see something was wrong. It was just something on his posture, and even though he smiled, he looked a little sad, and just let me hug him without a question.

I know I was supposed to concentrate on him at that moment, but I couldn’t help but think how nice it felt to be so close to him. I think I took advantage of it and pressed a little harder against him. I could feel his chest moving against me as he breathed. But that’s when I realized he was really crying. I leaned backwards to face him, but he looked a little embarrassed. I ignore it and just took his head between my palms and wiped his tears away with my thumbs. He smiled a little after that.

I asked him what was wrong, and he just said his parents were fighting again. I didn’t ask more because I just didn’t know how to ask. I told him to take a hot bath. That, at least, is what I do when I’m sad. For a second I thought about going there but that would be awkward, right?

This time I was more prepared, and I was wearing a sleeveless shirt as we lay on the bed. He didn’t ever seem to mind taking his shirt off, and I silently thanked him for that while I secretly glanced at him now and then. I enjoyed my view. I bet that if there was a god in the shape of man, he would look like that.

We talked about fate. We have talked about it before. He always says he believes in it, that life without believing in anything is empty and lifeless. I just can’t bring myself to believe in it. Nor do I believe in God. Neither does he, I think. It’s hard to believe in God in a place like this.

Later on, when I was almost falling asleep, he turned around and placed his arm over me and said.

“You’re really important to me, Key.”

I didn’t say anything to him. I couldn’t find the words. He’s really important to me too, I just felt too shy to say it out loud. So I stayed silent and smiled to my pillow while pressing my back against his chest.

Key

Even though it was early autumn, it was still warm. I kept looking out of the windows as I sat at our kitchen table, pretending to eat. It wasn’t that I wasn’t hungry, I was just preoccupied with my thoughts. They were surrounded by the idea of time, writing, Key… Key was definitely something that didn’t exist in my life, but he had found a way to bring himself into my time anyway. It fascinated me - the way to immortalize yourself into eternity.

“Is everything alright, Taemin?” I heard my mother asking.

Her voice slowly intruded my thick thoughts, and the question itself proved to be too hard for me to answer.

”Who lived here before us?” I asked instead after sipping my lukewarm coffee.

My mother raised her brows and looked at me surprised.

“I don’t know,” she said.

I pouted, eyes narrowing. I wanted to know. I felt like no food would go down through my throat, no new questions would have answers in my mind until this one had fed my curiosity.

“I have to leave for school,” I said before getting up.

It was a lie, I didn’t have to go yet, there was still some time left. I was just too frustrated to sit down at a table. I needed to do something about it. I opened the door to my room but kept lingering in the doorway. The journal was lying on my unmade bed, almost mocking me, not giving any answers I wanted. For I don't know how many times I opened it and looked at the drawings. The person was clearly Jong. It couldn’t be anyone else. I carefully looked through the pages to see if there was anything I was missing. But there wasn’t.

I slammed the journal back to my sheets and stared ahead, thinking hard without seeing anything. I quickly got up and stormed to the room next to mine. I almost ran to the chest. I swung it open, and the lid hit the wall, making a loud bang. I stared inside but there was nothing. Nothing. I wanted to scream. I smacked it back shut and sat on top of it, leaning my head on my knees, hand running through my hair in frustration.

I usually read western comics, books occasionally, but the journal had replaced all of them. Even when it was really late and I knew I should be sleeping I couldn’t help but read just a couple of the pages.

9.12.

His lips are alluring to me. That’s the exact word. I think they always have been, I have just never written it, or thought about it too much, because it just always stays on my mind. Like you don’t think you drink water every day, but you still do it. He has been sleeping here a lot. I always have to turn around so I won't stare at his face as he sleeps. First of all, it feels a little creepy, and second, I want to sleep too. He often places his arm over me. It always feels so nice to just relax and fell asleep.

I think he could just move here. I think I said this out loud to him and we started talking about our live after school. He just straight said he knows he won’t get into any good university, and isn’t really interested about that. He really wanted to try out, to get into the entertainment business. That was when I really started to think that he will go to Seoul for that and I will rot here for another year at least.

I think that he saw what I was thinking, because he hugged me a little and said:

“Come to Seoul with me.”

“I can’t,” I said automatically even though I let myself dream about it. I tried to find a real reason why not.

“You can transfer into a school there,” he continued.

I started smiling and just shook my head.

“Why not? You’re always in the top five of our class, you can easily change school,” he said.

I knew he was right, and the thought of freedom made my heart flutter. But somehow it felt too easy. We can just leave this town next autumn. Or can we?

Key

16.12.

We met at the old building today. It was raining. I’m waiting for the snow, but it’s somehow still a little warm. I like rain. It’s because nobody else is outdoors. It’s like our time. Jongkey-time.

He was there before me, hair soaking wet. I scolded him for not taking a hat.

“I thought it wouldn’t be raining today,” he said and looked somehow sad and cute at the same time, like a lost puppy in the rain.

I brushed his wet hair away from his forehead and watched how he blushed and turned his face away.

We usually sit on the windowsill, although there isn’t any glass there. It is just a hole on the wall, but it’s deep enough for sitting and the rain from the outside can’t reach in.

I hopped on it. Jong walked in front of me. Standing between my legs, his fingers slightly touched my thighs. I placed my hand on his shoulders. Afterwards I was afraid it was a little too much, like too intimate, but it came so naturally it’s hard to think there was something wrong or weird being so close like that. He kept telling me about where he could maybe live in Seoul, and what he would take with him and what he can’t take. I tried to dry his hair with my sleeve. He didn’t have any mittens so I took his hands and put them into my jacket’s pockets.

It was really late when we left. I kept standing in a doorway (if you can call the unfinished hole something like that) and stared at the rain. My hands were carefully pressed deep into my pockets when I sensed him standing behind me. I turned around to face him. The water kept falling from his hair to his face.

“You should have taken a beanie,” I said once again.

He smiled but didn’t say anything. I suddenly became very aware of how he was just staring at me. I opened my mouth to say something when he moved a little. I stopped breathing when I suddenly realized what was about to happen. He kept looking at me and I was lost in his eyes, so I didn’t pay attention when he tilted his head and leaned closer to me. I just abruptly felt his lips against mine.

I can’t even remember it properly. I can only bring back the feeling. Even though I have dreamed about it, imagined how it would feel, it scared me a little how much I liked it, how my lips kept lingering against his, like no amount would be enough.

Key

I closed the book. It was really late. I was smiling like a lunatic. I should have seen this coming but it had still taken me by surprise. I closed the journal, put it on my bedside table, and nuzzled under the blankets more comfortably. It was really hard to think that those two people had been living in a place like this.

Next day I almost ran home. I even forgot to care whether Minho was walking in front of me or not. I just wanted to read more. But when I got home, my father was there. He had gotten off from work exceptionally early, and was now asking me to spend some time with him. I couldn’t say I was disappointed, since that was something I had always wanted him to do, but this time I just really wanted to read.

We ate dinner with the whole family in our yard, because it wasn’t that cold yet. I saw Minho playing with someone who looked like his older brother in the yard next to ours. I had seen him there a few times before. After that I did my homework, and then it was past midnight already. I was tired. I looked at the journal on my bed, next to my pillow, where I always seem to leave it. It seemed to look at me back innocently like saying “is it now my turn?”

I stretched out, yawning. I changed my clothes and wished good night to my parents before I dug under my sheets, the journal still lying there, waiting for me. And I gave up. Even though my eyes were hurting, I took my phone, the light and opened the journal from where I last left it.

21.12.

There’s still no snow. Will it come before Christmas at all? I don’t know, somehow Christmas without snow feels wrong. So many things are wrong, anyway. Something happened today that made me think.

We haven’t seen each other for a couple of days. I’ve been really busy with school, and he too. Sometimes I think I don’t even have time to think. But we met today. It was already late, but I was happy that we found at least a small slot for each other from our diminished free time. My parents don’t mind me staying out so late, because they know I’ll come home, but I don’t think his parents have been very happy to let him out. He didn’t look like that at least, and I felt bad for him – and a little guilty. I tried asking him about, it but he just said everything was okay. But he was really quiet and seemed to be lost in his thoughts so I didn’t want to bother him anymore. I was tired too, and I just stood in front of the doorway, looking outside. I heard him walking behind me, and felt him wrapping his arms around my waist. I placed my palms on top of his hands and interlocked our fingers.

“Let just move to Seoul. There’s a train,” he said in a low voice.

I chuckled a little to cover up my conflicted feelings.

“Where would we live?” I asked, playing some time for myself.

He rested his head on my shoulder and sighed.

“We will work and rent an apartment. We will find something,” he said.

I looked at our fingers.

“Do you really hate your parents that much?” I asked.

He pressed me a little tighter against his chest.

“Yes,” he said firmly.

I was silent for a moment.

“But I don’t,” I said finally.

I felt him sighing again before he let me go.

“I know,” he mumbled.

I sat down on the doorsill, looking to the woods, and rested my head on my hands. Soon he sat next to me and I moved my head to rest on his shoulder.

“But I want to go,” he said, sounding sad. “I’m going to go as soon as I can,” he said before I answered anything.

“I don’t want you to go,” I said. It was the first thing that came to my mind.

We stayed silent for a moment.

“Come with me,” he said silently.

I felt him kissing my forehead and I closed my eyes to hide myself from the decisions.

Can I move to Seoul?

Key

25.12.

We met really early in the morning. Like 5 am, when nobody else was awake yet, and went to the old building. We just wanted to have some time of our own time on Christmas. Hyung kept chuckling by himself to something as we walked through the woods. I think a path is forming there since we walk the same way so frequently. It amuses and worries me, since I think someone could follow us easily.

I instantly felt bad when Jonghyun said he had something for me, since I didn’t have anything to him. He laughed and said that it was as much as for him as it was for me, and I wasn’t supposed to take it so seriously anyway.

It was a small lock. He kept chuckling and took a black marker from his pocket. Then he held the lock on his hand and wrote something on it before showing it to me. It said: Jongkey and had a small heart in its upper corner. My eyes widened a little.

“You really are stupid,” I told him.

We looked at it for a moment. We didn’t need to say anything, we knew what it symbolized and even though I had said he was stupid, I appreciated it. It was something solid. Even if we would fade, it would stay.

Key

Next morning I did something unusual. I had set my alarm an hour earlier than normally. Even though I had slept just a few hours, I felt energetic. I ate quickly, put on my clothes, just grabbed my backpack, and was out through the door. The streets were really quiet, no one was out so early. I walked to the bridge as usual, but this time I turned to the right, crossing the bridge for the first time.

The wooden cover created a different sound under my feet. I glanced at the river that rushed underneath, but mostly my eyes were aimed to the forest ahead of me. Soon I reached it, and there was I road that went through the woods. I hesitated for a moment, as I wasn’t sure where to go. I decided walk the road for a while until it started to turn to the left. I stopped and tried to look through the woods, but I couldn’t see anything. I took a deep breath and decided to just walk straight to the forest.

I didn’t really think it would work, walking like that without any real destination. But buildings were big, so it wasn’t like I was looking for a needle in the haystack. I was bound to find it at some point. I kept an eye on my watch. I didn’t want to be late from school because of this. That would have been just really stupid. And when I had walked for around half an hour, I gave up and started to look for a way back to the road again.

I was a little early, and I sat alone in our classroom until our teacher arrived. Lee Jinki was that kind of teacher who was convinced he could make us all stay interested in studies by constantly telling stupid jokes and smiling as he repeated the same facts over and over again. Even this time, as he asked from me if everyone in Seoul had long hair as I did, he smiled. It was a really nice smile, the kind of smile that made me smile too as I agreed that everybody in Seoul had long hair, even though it wasn’t true and I knew he would know that. His lips were plump and soft looking. They looked even prettier when he didn’t smile. The awkward silence stayed after that until other students slowly started to flow in one by one.

Somewhere between the classes I realized that my problem was I had been walking on the paths. Key had specifically written there was no path. And so after the school had ended, I walked back to the road that led through the forest. This time I went into the forest on the other side of the road and avoided any paths. The idea of getting lost there didn’t even come to my mind as I walked forward with determination.  The sun started to set, and I took out my phone, turning on its light so I could see more clearly.

I stopped as I saw the first sign of the gray concrete. I bit my lower lip as a smile started to form to my lips as I started to take hasty steps towards the building. On every step I could see more of it, and soon it was standing in front of me. Key had written “the old building,” but it wasn’t just old, it looked like someone had abandoned the task, left the building in its the early stage of construction, like he had suddenly realized that everybody else lived on the other side of the river and decided to move there instead.  There were no doors or windows, just the frames of the walls and the roof. I stood there for a second, emphasizing the moment before I walked in.

It was even darker inside, and I was happy I at least had the light from the phone. I should have taken a flashlight. I stared in awe at everything even though there wasn’t much to look at. It was all gray walls and dark corners. As I saw a windowsill, I touched the concrete. They really had been sitting there. I turned around and lit up the room with my phone. I could almost see them walking in there, talking to each other, lying on the floor while doing their homework.

I sat on the windowsill and turned the light off. Now that I had seen it, everything felt a little more complete. Suddenly my eyes found something shimmering with the last rays of the sun. I walked to it. On a wall there was hook, where a small lock was hung. Jongkey was written on it in a black marker. I think my smile was something like Christopher Columbus had worn when he had found the new land.

The sound of a footstep brought me back from my thoughts, and I turned really quickly towards the sound. It was really quiet. I stopped breathing. The sound had come from the other side of the wall that separated me from the doorway. I tried to take a silent step, but there was still a small thud as my shoe hit the concrete floor. As the sound echoed around I was certain someone had stood behind the wall. I could heard his steps as he ran out to the forest, and even though I tried to ran too, within those few seconds that it took me to reach the door the person had already disappeared.