I hate it when people cry at funerals.

They only miss what they have lost.

You never really notice those people important to you

until they are gone.

But, it gives you no right to cry at their passing.

You should cry during the times of joy,

as they are laughing alongside you.

You should cry because they are looking out for you,

when you need the extra bit of comfort.

You should cry when they're happy, hurt or lost.

But I guess that's why people cry at funerals.

They regret doing none of these

or missed out the chance to say those magic words.

Thank you. I love you. I will always be there for you.

By your side...

But, I guess I never was. That's why I'm crying at your funeral.

I'm beginning to hate myself.

I miss you.

                The concept of a 'downhill spiral' was perfectly enacted by Sehun from the moment he got hit in the abdomen. Like the ominous spinning top bought by Lee Seunggi in Noonas Over Flowers, Hana was a curse that caused events to spiral out of his control. It was his fault; there is no denying the fact and he sort of knew he had it coming.

                He was too focused - on her that is. Clearly not seeing what was in his possession this entire time. He had a friend and he did not talk to him. He had a voice and he did not use it. He had a mind and he did not process the fact that what he needed had been lying under his nose this entire time.

                Most importantly, he had a family and he did not embrace it. This was the main factor of his downward spiral.

                Family.

                A social recluse he was, so the denial of Hana not hearing his only voice that was in hibernation was in a matter of rejection. He didn't believe it. When he finally decides of open up his vocal cords, a gorilla comes smacking him in the stomach.

                He no longer visited the library or the expanse out of his home. He no longer visited the hallways outside of his bedroom door. He became a hikikomori – someone who withdrew from social life in full; seeking out for extreme degrees of isolation and confinement underneath his comforter on his bed.

                During this time, events had unfolded into a devilish nightmare. Sehun's mom would've left him his lunch that Sunday, but she didn't. His mom would have picked up the phone considering how she did not work, but it kept up its deafening ringtone.

                But with his mind switched off from his surroundings and his thoughts overpowering the sound of his mother's departure, it just did not process. No one was in the house, no one to pick up the phone but him. It was just ignored and forgotten Hana overpowering him from thinking of anything else.

                The phone kept on ringing - four hours since his mother had left the house, one hour since the ringing had started. Sehun laid in his bed whilst facing the ceiling, eyebrows furrowed in knots out of annoyance. "Just shut up already!" He screamed in a high pitched voice, pointlessly shouting at the door whilst throwing a pillow at its face.

                Before you know it; it turned into blundering thuds that were heard on the solid wood of his front door, with calls for Sehun in a cracked voice. The pounding continued to blare in his ears and the panic sweet and clear in the person's voice – the phone still ringing.

                Sehun could not stand it anymore. Out of frustration he abruptly sat up from his previous position and grappled the blonde locks on his head. "Shut up!" Both of his hands pulled at his hair each loosely falling till his eyes started to water.                                

                "Shut up..." which came out like more of a whisper than a frustrated shout. He wanted people to leave him alone – to think; to breathe for once. For it was not happening right at this moment.

                He had no choice but to answer the door. So he just got up to leave. He did hesitate for a moment; when turning the door knob his sweaty hands were sort of shaking - he did not know why. When he finally got his door open, his right foot refused to move for a second. It stuttered but was forced to move forward. He did not know why he was nervous but something in his head was screaming to not open the front door. With all the hesitated steps he took closer to its destination, it had caused him to stumble on the stairs and land awkwardly on the bottom.

                "!!" swearing whilst desperately trying to grab anything to bring him up again. It ended with a shatter of glass from a vase on the table at the end of the stairs; he had grabbed the table leg that did not help the aching pain in his back at all. The picture containing a happy depiction of his family now faced down.

                He'd eventually got to the front door with a hand slowly massaging the side of his back. He abruptly grabbed the door handle and yanked the door opened - shouting an obnoxious 'what?!'

                He was met with a tear stained face of his uncle, hand raised to pound the door again with a phone gripped urgently in the other. Sehun winced at the sight, his uncle never cried and he knew something godly must have happened to cause such a mess. His uncle approached him with exaggerated sigh, suddenly pushed him into a death hug with wet puddles forming on Sehun's shirt sleeves.

                "You're okay... I thought you..." He gently pried himself off the boy, his tears seemed like they had no end. His facial expression suddenly changed into one of worry and frustration.

                "Why didn't you pick up the phone?" he gasped out, sorrow and anger evident in his words. Sehun flinched at the harshness of his voice, fiddled with his fingers in his hands and innocently looked up at him with a pleading look of 'don't be angry with me, don't ask me that question.' He let out another sigh that couldn’t be helped but be released.

                "Who cares that doesn't matter right now. We need to hurry; your parents are in the hospital." That's when panic settled in. Sehun's eyes grew wide in shock and scurried after his uncle into his car, eyes pleading for questions to be answered from his uncle. His uncle seemed to notice the change in behaviour from the usual calm and pokerfaced Sehun. Answering the question for him even though he never asked, but his face showed everything.

                `"They got in a car accident while your mom was driving your dad home. They are currently in surgery," he calmly stated. Although Sehun knew that he was actually fighting an internal battle underneath his facade. He wanted to act as the adult in this situation, opting to be the responsible one instead of a panicked chaos of an uncle.

                The both of them though could not sit still during the ride to the hospital, silence slowly taking over the car ride and dominating the atmosphere into one of deadly fear. Suddenly he did not like the prospect of silence in his life.

                When they'd arrived at the doors of the hospital nothing was taken in but the sudden speed of their legs. His uncle was slower than he was but he had no choice but to match his pace as unlike Sehun he actually knew where he were going. They ended up in the emergency ward, the surgery light no longer in flashing. It indicated that the surgery was over. It was over.

                But...

                He was greeted with the sight of his auntie sobbing into her hands on the floor of the ward; hair sticking up in places I have never seen it, clothes strewed in wrinkled creases of distress. My uncle ran passed me and hugged her into an all needed hug, heaving heavy tears himself. Sehun dropped to his knees on the spot, eyes erratically scanning the halls wanting to see his parents. But he knew they would not appear. Not now and never again. The world was a blur once again.

                Breathing got hard all of a sudden. His breath easily vented out but nothing was received in return. His chest got heavy from that moment on and it wouldn’t let go of him.

                Regret flooded his senses.

                It overpowered his mind. It seemed to overflow Sehun with a variety of emotions that were seeking release. Nevertheless, with all his willpower he held it back – crammed it back into the space between guilt and despair.

                He regretted not talking to Hana sooner but he regretted not talking to his parents even more. Seven years it was. His parents! He didn’t talk to them. Not a word.

                His eyes faded into a dull black. Faced fixed into place with void emotions, shell cold eyes and a look of despair. He was on the borderline of crying but something held him back from it. He just couldn’t. He didn’t deserve to. He had no right.

                The world moved faster than ever before as days past – even though they seemed like forever for Sehun. He didn’t deserve to feel, to see, to even care what is going on at the moment.

                Their funeral was planned.

                Date set.

                Finally here.

                He couldn’t process anything at this point in time. His expression remained blank with evident loss.

                The ceremony ended but he remained standing – just looking. Maybe an answer would be in lying there for him – ready for picking. But nothing happened. Nothing moved.

                Snow began to fall.

                His eye twitched as a single lone snowflake landed in his eye. In his mind he thought, ‘I don’t even deserve to have a dramatic moment with rain pouring down to wash away the sorrow.’

                He stood there remained standing for who knows how long. Forgetting about the cold but embracing its warmth.

      One tear found its release – nothing more.

                Come back.