Do you ever hold yourself back from talking?

The fear of people finding out who you really are,

through words that are never spoken.

I try not to say anything when you sometimes give me that look;

a look of disgust and misunderstanding.

It's always there to haunt me when someone decides to take my side

or when I take there's; not your's.

That's why I fear talking;

saying words that have no real meaning. 

I refrain from it; at least I try to

but it drags things along with it.

My feelings and opinions are kept inside;

instead, replaced with a dead-panned expression.

You criticise my face when these arguments never fail to happen,

and it may seem like I don't care but inside my heart is cringing in pain.

I try to forget that I am a disappointment in waiting

or a temporary success awaiting its surpasser.

Will I really be able to support you when I grow up?

So... I sometimes wish it would happen quickly;

life that is...

so that I don't have to dwell on the things I currently regret.

The ability to speak; a gift given to every individual born into the world and it is seen as a fundamental trait in every human. A simple word can evoke a feeling of happiness, trust and undying love as well as the unbound negatives of hatred.

It is taken for granted and often misused, when lies become the truth and the truth becomes forgotten. A conversation can connect any individual with those around them, allowing them to find the similarities and differences of future companions.

But for Sehun it is not as simple as that.

He ridiculed the thought of speech. Labelling it unnecessary as ‘body language’ is a universal thing. Deep down, if you searched hard enough you will find that his reasons become much more macabre and heart-wrenching. The real reason for his vow of silence, is not of pure ignorance but of guilt.

An overriding and unbearing guilt.

His home is always filled with silence. Not because of uncaring or workaholic parents and what they called ‘life’ but of a simple word ‘can’t.’ His parents cannot speak. Mutes. Inaudible. Whatever you would like to call it, they simply can’t and they think nothing of it.

But he didn’t feel the same. They would always give him that look; an expression full of eagerness for him to speak. But he didn’t want to say the wrong words in case his real self would be exploded through a barrage of offensive speech. It had happened once and he was not risking it the second time. He didn’t want a repeat of history. So now whenever the topic is brought up a signature expression is plastered on his face. No emotions, no real direction towards his look; a real look of indifference. This is for the best.

At every given opportunity his parents would voice their opinions of unconventional love they bore for their son. Hand signing out that ‘his voice is a miracle’ and that ‘he should embrace what he has.’ Nothing can deter him away from the thought of it being unfair for his parents as he has a voice and they didn’t.

So he simply refrained from saying a word.

Sitting on the couch in an empty room; breathing in the smell of his home. He sighed, watched and contemplated on the aspects of silent solitude.

The house remained silent, so that he would be one of the same.

He found recluse in the expanse of what you call a library. The walls adorned with numerous books of altering genres; a place where silence is necessary and enforced upon under frequent circumstances.

Friends have never really been an option for Sehun as he preferred to stare rather than converse.

Somehow he had developed the ability to voice his opinions and emotions by the movement of his facial expressions alone, gaining a friend in the process.

Byun Baekhyun. The decipherer of the rigid movements of the latter’s face; creator of his own idea of a ‘conversations’ between the two. He was the talkative type, a maker of all fun. Brown hair adorning the top of his head in a stylish flurry of sassiness, eyes accentuated with heavy eyeliner, lips in a constant pout when not in the presence of Sehun.

He’d never asked about the other’s condition, and Sehun was thankful for that. However, silence was inevitable but it was of a comforting type.

It was of a summer’s morning when Baekhyun didn’t fail to notice his friend’s sidewards glance towards a figure of the opposite at the end of a table, situated in one of the corners of the library.

“Like what you see, huh?” He mocked, performing a rising of the eyebrow show especially for him.

A frantic frail of pages was a result of the solid remark, eventually pretending that he was reading; a deep blush gone amiss. He aimlessly scanned the page of overdue homework, glaring at the formulas and lines printed on the page and unnoticeably glanced in her direction once in a while.

She would come every Friday, sitting in the exact same spot and reading the exact same book. He would just blankly stare at her whenever in the same presence. Noting down that her hair was of a tint of brown, that her eyes would grow big as she reached the book’s and the occasional lip bite and hair tucks behind the ear.

She was a simple beauty with style to match and each passing Friday was of a silent joy.

He observed her smile. It seemed silent, but you could hear the slow and defined beat of Sehun’s heart, the rise and fall of his breath and the languid sound of blushing cheeks.

He liked looking at her eyes. They were of a hazel brown, big but harmonising on her face. He seemed to get lost in them and never did tire from looking into their depths. Although she came only on Fridays he began to seek adventure on every library visit. A day spent without her was when he imagined a dream-work of ideas and possible situations. A date? A kiss? He couldn’t help but sigh in this situation.

“Any progress?” a query suddenly flung in Sehun’s direction, aimlessly taking a seat opposite of him. Sehun promptly shook his head from side to side. “Nothing?” question number two fired without any sympathy. Sehun scowled. Then he aimed an eraser in his direction before scurrying home. Baekhyun began to laugh an obnoxious laugh disturbing the diligent students occupying the domain.

“Sehun!~” he cooed. “I was just joking. Come back!~” Shuffling after him.

The walk home was silent. It wasn’t bad since there wasn’t a change in his usual schedule but there was a slight jump in his step.

A day without Baekhyun was a day of bravery. So he decided to sit closer to his crush’s seat.

He was on another one of his imaginative highs when the unexpected happened.

Their eyes had met.

Although he was situated at quite a distance away from the girl; he knew she was looking directly at him. Panic stricken and lost on what to do, he’d remained staring, no signs of movement in either of them. Seconds had passed until he was melted into his chair, she had smiled. A real, heart-warming smile was directed at him and he couldn’t help but smile back.

Their interactions became more frequent after that; a small nod, a simple smile or the waving of one’s hand in each other’s direction was all that was given between them. It was enough.

Sehun began to notice that she was wearing a hearing aid device as week passed, also beginning to edge closer to her seat. We are somewhat the same. He had finally gotten close enough at the twelfth week opting to sit in front of her.

He scribbled down on a note ‘What’s your name? I’m Sehun. Oh Sehun.’ and sneakily passed it into the book she was holding. She eyed him strangely before placing the book down and scanning its contents.

“Hana,’ was all she replied.

She didn’t return after that. Although he had sat in the same place, he had received her name she had never returned after that week. He’d pushed it aside; thinking that she had business to attend to or that her mood did not permit her to go that following Friday but nothing could keep his mind off it. Where did she go?

Five weeks had passed since, and he was annoyed and frustrated with himself. Why couldn’t he just talk to her? A simple hello? Why didn’t he think of this earlier before she had left? She would understand me.

He began to notice that the surrounding crowd was of a fitful loudness making him glare now at all who had spoken in his haven of a library. Silence came along with Hana and she had taken it along with her; away from him. Far, far away, although it clearly was not silence.

But silence was all he needed in his life, that is what he believed but no amount of silence was able to stop Sehun from thinking of her.

Hana what is your favourite colour? I want to see you again; to see that smile.

Baekhyun had barely convinced him to escape the library for once and fate seemed to be on his side for once as Hana had conveniently walked passed them briefly but surely.

The crowd, however, didn’t seem to agree as it gradually pushed them apart with each and every dying step; his hand consequently reaching out for a touch but never actually reaching, promptly grasping the air in the process.

“Hana,” Sehun gasped out, evident shock on his friend’s face. He had spoken but barely; a loud shout that was raspy to the ears. Baekhyun had a look of hurt on his face. He’s been Sehun’s friend for five years and he could not make Sehun whisper a sound. Sehun just continued pushing on entirely overlooking the down casted face of his bestie.

People eyed the both of them strangely but she didn’t turn. He continually pushed through the opposing crowd, pushing and jarring through the sudden influx of people.

“Hana!” he shouted a more prominent sound in his unused voice, causing Baekhyun to flinch at the shear loudness and tranquillity in his voice. He pushed aside a man of burly size and got hit in the gut in return.

“Kids these days, no manners” the man harrumphed, patting down his pants irritably. Sehun began to scramble up frantically disregarding the pain in his abdomen, whipping his head back into the Hana’s direction. He began a sprint towards an unknown destination until a hand firmly grasped the back of his collar.

“She’s not there anymore Sehun; she’s not going to turn” a growl forming in the depths of Baekhyun’s throat. The stranger stared for an instant before turning knowing that they had a problem of their own to deal with.

“But… Hana…” a shaky breath accompanied by the glisten of his eyes.

“You barely even know her…” He took Sehun by the arm and painfully dragged him towards the way they had come.

The first word he had said in seven years was a name called out in desperation. A named filled with the innocence of love; love that could outrun the guilt. But... it undoubtedly replaced it with regret. His life was filled with silence once again. It was only my imagination. It was not enough just seeing her.

Come back.