Luhan's heart starts to race as he watches the two people on the couch. He had never seen them before but for some reason he felt like they had met before.

"Who are you?" he says gulping back away his fear.

The boy laughs and jumps off the couch and stars to walk over to him, "This part's always fun isn't it?" he says glancing back to the old woman. The old woman just laughs and nods her head, "This is the part that I always wait for!"

Luhan doesn't know what they are talking about but the boy was almost in front of him and he needed to get away. With a giant push, he was able to get on his feet. Realizing he could move, he ran into the room to Jongdae.

"Jongdae.. Jongdae I'm here.." he yells running to his boyfriend's side. Jongdae is curled up into a ball on the ground, quietly sobbing. Luhan bends down to touch him but gasps when he realizes he can't. His hands go clean through his body and Luhan jerks his hand back in horror. 

"What... what's going on?" Luhan says shocked. He gazes at his hands and frowns when he sees nothing different. He looks back at Jongdae still lying there and starts to crawl towards him.

"Jongdae..." he starts before the boy's voice interrupts him. "There's no use ... he's not going to be able to hear you... at least not now!" the boy says laughing cruelly. 

Luhan turns to glare at the boy and old woman, who were now sitting on the bed in the room. "Tell me... tell me what's going on? am I really dead?"

The old woman rolls her eyes but pats the spot next to her, "It's time for you to hear a little story," she says winking.

Luhan gulps and though he doesn't want to go, his body moves on it's own and he slowly sit's down next to the lady. "Tell me.." he says quietly.

"Hmmmmm where to begin? where to begin? oh right... let's get this cleared first.. you're really dead and before you ask no, you're not a ghost," the boy says tapping his knee. 

Luhan shouldn't have been surprised after everything that had happened but he still can't stop himself from feeling like his heart had been ripped out. "I... I don't remember... how?? why??" he says struggling to breath. "What am I? Why ... why can't he see me anymore?"

"Ahhh he could... if he wasn't taking his medicine... he could see all of us actually. We're his friends," the old lady says with a smile.

Luhan freezes and slowly looks up at the pair. "It was you guys?? you were the one's that were talking to Jongdae. You guys were the one's making him scared and miserable," Luhan hisses, anger filling his voice. "Why are you guys hurting him?"

The boy laughs and swings his finger back and forth, "No no no ... don't make us the villains just yet... let's have a look who exactly is making our poor boy so miserable." Luhan frowns, confused with the boy. The boy gestures to Jongdae and Luhan turns to look at his boyfriend.

Jongdae is still sobbing and is now softly calling for Luhan. "No luhan... why? why did you do this? why did you leave me? .... why are you hurting me so much?" 

Luhan feels his heart constrict when he realizes that it was him. It was him bringing all this pain into Jongdae's life. A tear rolls down his cheek as he struggles to accept the fact that it was because of him that Jongdae is like this... that Jongdae is so broken.

"The look on his face never gets old when he realizes," the old woman says to the boy. The boy raises a finger to his lips, "Shhh it's just about to get better!" he says turning to face the door.

A hundred questions swirl around in Luhan's head. What are they talking about? When did this happen before? Do they know me? Why can't I remember? Why can't I remember anything? 

Luhan only looks away from Jongdae when he hears people coming into the room. The rest of the EXO members had arrived and were quietly standing there watching the scene before them. Luhan watches their faces and they all look tired and exhausted but most of all they look heartbroken. Baekhyun pushed his way to the front and run to Jongdae's side.

He pulls Jongdae into his arms, "shhh jongdae... shhh just let it out... let it all out. We're here... all of us... we're here." he says as he rocks Jongdae back and forth.

The other's start to slowly surround the pair and start to intertwine their arms. The youngest members have tears in their eyes as they all hug each other. Luhan feels a pang of longing as he watches all of 's embrace Jongdae. He gasps and he feeels his lungs start to constrict. His entire body feels like constricting and he starts to feel claustrophobic.

I ... I have to get out of here he thinks as he starts to run out of the room. As soon as he leaves the room he lets out a giant breath as he collapses onto the couch. He feels like his world was crashing down on him and Luhan doesn't know what to think, let alone do next. 

"Always running away Luhan?" the boy says strolling out of the room with the old woman next to him. "You're never going to know what's going on if you keep running away and closing your ears."

"Leave me alone," Luhan says turning his head away. He can't deal with anything anymore. He didn't even freaking know that he was dead. He lies there for a few minutes, trying to sort everything out. He hears someone come out of the room and he looks over to see Joonmyun walk out slowly with Baekhyun and Yixing. 

Luhan frowns as he sit's back up. He can see that they're whispering and when they sit down on the couch next to him he can finally hear their conversation.

"We need to check him in Baekhyun," Joonmyun says with a sigh. "This isn't going to work." 

"Please Joonmyun... not now. Not tonight, he's already scared and sad... he needs us especially since tomorrow is the anniversary." Baekhyun says quietly.

Joonmyun shakes his head, not agreeing with Baekhyun but he know's that he won't win this argument. He'd have to pull the leader rank for Baekhyun to even think of letting Jongdae go. He looks over at Yixing, who had been quiet throughout the whole day.

"What do you think we should do Yixing? You.. you would know best."

Yixing glances at Joonmyun listlessly. Luhan doesn't know why he hadn't noticed the tired lines in Yixing's face before. His best friend looked exhausted and almost as broken as Jongdae. Luhan wanted to grab his best friend into a hug but he knew that he couldn't.

Yixing stays silent for a while, just staring at Joonmyun until he let out a long sigh. "His hands are badly cut but I think I can patch him up... it wasn't as bad as last year's so I think it'll be alright if he stays with us. We just need him on his medicine and I think we'll be alright till it passes."

Joonmyun deflates knowing that he'd have to be the bad guy and force them to face the truth. "How long... how long can we keep doing this? It's.... it's been three years guys," he says tiredly. "Jongdae... jongdae's not getting better."

Luhan feels like he's been punched straight in the gut when he hears "three years". Luhan starts to feel sick and dizzy. His throat drys up and he feels even smaller than before. 

"Three years.... three years.. I've been dead for three years?" he keeps saying to himself as he gets up and starts to back away from the group. He can hear the boy and woman start laughing but he's too dizzy to be able to focus on anything. 

Luhan needs to escape.. he wants to get away because if he doesn't Luhan was going to pass out. He doesn't even look back as he sprints out of the apartment, out of the building and into the snowy streets of Seoul. He keeps running and running until he can't run anymore. Luhan falls to the ground, unable to stand. He should be crying but he's too numb to feel anything.

"I've been dead for three years," he slowly says to himself again. He smacks his head with frustration, "Why? Why can't I remember anything? Why can't I remember dying?" 

A church bell rings in the distance and Luhan realizes that it's midnight. Christmas eve. 

Luhan is ankle deep in snow but he doesn't feel cold. He doesn''t feel anything at all. He grabs his head and trys to remember but he can't. All he can remember is his times with Jongdae. He remembers the first time they had seen each other, the first time they had sung together. He remembers the moment he knew he was hopelessly in love with Jongdae and he remembers the first time they had kissed. He remembers the promises and dreams they had shared with each other and he remembers their first night together, the night of their first win. Luhan doesn't think that any other day would come close to that day but then he realizes that he did think that one-day would be able to trump it. It was supposed to be the Christmas day that Luhan had been planning.

Luhan shoves his hand into his pant pocket, searching for the box. He sighs with relief when he finds it. He slowly takes it out and opens the box, revealing a pair of silver rings. He smiles as his fingers graze over the engraving.

Always and forever. That's what Luhan thought they would be... that's what they were supposed to be. 

"Well isn't that beautiful," the familiar mocking voice says snapping Luhan out of his trance. "It's quite sad really."

The boy smiles as he bends down and makes a snowball. "It almost ... kind of makes me feel bad." he says starting to throw the snowball up and down. 

"What do you want? Haven't you done enough," Luhan says angrily as he shuts the box and put it back in his pocket. 

The boy rolls his eyes, "So rude.. why are you always so rude? Especially since I'm the one helping you remember."

"What do you..." Luhan starts to say before the boy grin and hurls the giant snowball straight at Luhan's face. A flash of light appears before Luhan's eyes and he throws his arms in front of him trying to block it. 

Luhan feels a warm breeze at his back and he opens his eyes and finds himself sitting in the back of a car. He looks around and realizes that it's the M van. 

What am I doing here? Luhan thinks as he starts to get up. He frezes though when he sees the door opening and he gasps as he watches Jongdae and... and himself get into the van, laughing.

"Hyung... I don't know why we have to go in a different van as Baekhyun. He's going to hate me!" Jongdae whined as he sat down near the window. 

Luhan just rolled his eyes and shut the door behind them. "Well excuse me if I want to spend a little bit of Christmas Eve with my boyfriend."

Jongdae giggled and smiled at his boyfriend, "Well I hope you don't think we're going to be practicing on the way there! I feel like I've spoken more mandarin in the past few days than I have my whole life."

Luhan snorted, "Well maybe that's your problem! I talk in Korean all the time so why can't you try more with mandarin!" 

Jongdae pouted and leaned back on the chair, trying to buckle his seat belt. "It's hardddd Luhannieee." he whined.

Luhan rolled his eyes as he leaned forward to help Jongdae with his seatbelt. "Yeah right.... god Jongdae what would you do without me?" he said as he finally buckled the seatbelt.

Jongdae stuck out his tongue, "Go out with Baekhyun and live happily ever after."

Luhan glared at him, "Well fine then... you can go in Byun Baekhyun's van." 

Jongdae laughed and grabbed Luhan's arm and leaned on it. "I'm just kidding Luhannn... don't be mad!"

Luhan looked away and proceeded to ignore Jongdae until their driver had gotten into the front seat and started the van. "Make sure to buckle up guys... the snow doesn't look like it's going to let up anytime soon." he said as he looked back at the boys.

"Yes hyung," Jongdae said happily and then went back to trying to make Luhan happy again. "Luhhaaaannnnniiieeeee... Luluuuuuuu... luu-geee" he kept saying in his cutest voice.

Usually it would work like magic on Luhan but tonight Luhan was already nervous about the performance and what he was planning for them two. Luhan had spent the past few hours, begging Baekhyun to take a different van than them.

"I want to surprise Jongdae with his Christmas gift this year... please Baekhyun... please please please!" Luhan had said.

He knew Baekhyun would agree but he still had to promise a week's worth of laundry duty before Baekhyun had shook on it. "But I hope you guys control your raging hormones... and get there on time. I'd rather not sing the whole song by myself," was the only thing Baekhyun had said before going to find their manager to ask for the other car.

Luhan had wanted to hug Baekhyun at that time but now he wanted to push him over a cliff. Luhan knew that Jongdae and Baekhyun were really close and even though he knew they were only friends, he couldn't help but feel jealous at the fact that there would always be a Byun Baekhyun for Jongdae. 

"I was planning on giving you your present but now I'm not going to," Luhan mumbled as he looked out the window at the snow falling. 

Jongdae's eyes widened with surprise, "Oh you were going to give it to me now? Oh Luhan please please please please. I'm sorry I'm sorry, please give it to me hyung." 

Luhan shook his head stubbornly and Jongdae kept apologizing, "Hyung I'm really sorry. Please give it to me. I've been dying to know for weeks. ... it's been killing me especially since I know my present for you ." 

Luhan turned to look at him, "You tell me my present first."

Jongdae leaned back and slowly shook his head, "Noooo it's really bad.. and cheesy and corny and I hate it. Joonmyun- hyung said it was a good gift but I should've realized that it was Joonmyun talking. Baekhyun already told me that I would be better off giving you money." 

Luhan laughed as he saw how helpless Jongdae looked. "No I'm sure it's not that bad. Just tell me and then I'll give you my present." 

Jongdae pouted but he agreed. "It's... it's a sweater... I .. I knitted us matching couple sweaters," Jongdae said quietly before covering his face with his hands, embarrassed.

Luhan couldn't help it and snorted when he realized that's why Jongdae had been running to the K dorm every evening with a bag full of wool. "You were knitting a sweater?" he said trying not to giggle.

Jongdae groaned and rubbed his face with his hands, "I know it was dumb but Joonmyun-hyung said that it would be cute and you know how much I like wearing Christmas sweaters."

"It's Christmas themed?" Luhan said wanting to now die of embarrassment for the both of them.

"Whahhhhhhh I knew ittt.... you hate it!" Jongdae said with a high-pitched wail. He threw his jacket over his face and scooted away. "Just leave me to wallow in my own embarrassment."

Luhan laughed and scooted closer to Jongdae, anger all gone. "oh babe I didn't mean to say that. I'm sure they look cute and I would gladly wear whatever sweater you give me... especially if you knitted it yourself." 

Jongdae peeked out of his jacket and whispered, "Really?"

"Of course! I would be proud to wear it," Luhan said confidently. But then he remembered the wide array of sweaters that Jongdae owned and loved to wear, some of the colors were very.... bright. "But it's ... not that flashy right?"

Jongdae covered his face again and mumbled, "well... yours has a reindeer with a red nose... and mine has a pink nose." 

Luhan smacked his hand over his face. Oh god he thought They're never going to let us live this down if we wear it in front of them. But he knew that Jongdae would be sad if he didn't wear it so he put on his best smile and pulled the jacket away from Jongdae's face. 

"That sound's really cute," Luhan said trying to sound sincere. "I can't wait to see it!"

Jongdae looked at him suspiciously, "Are you sure hyung? Are you just not saying it to make me feel better?"

"Nope, I know I'm going to love it!" Luhan said leaning back and reaching into his pocket. He unbuckled his seatbelt so he could grab it. Jongdae looked at him excitedly. "Ooooohhh you have it in your pocket? What is it? What is it?" he said jumping up and down in his seat.

Luhan was pulling the box out of his pocket when all of the sudden the van jerked forward and he hit the seat in front of him.

"What the..." he said as he rubbed his bruised face. 

"Oh my god Luhan-hyung are you okay?" Jongdae said reaching out for him.

The driver looked back and shook his head, "Sorry about that! Stupid truck skidded into the middle of the four-intersection. Guy needs to get his brakes checked with the roads this icy. Are you okay Luhan?" 

Luhan nodded his head, his face was sore but nothing was broken. "I'm okay... Jongdae I'm fine. I promise."

But Jongdae shook his head and turned back to take off his seatbelt, "Just wait Luhan I want to make sure you didn't hit anything too hard."

"No Jongdae stop.. don't take off your belt.. I'm fine... just," Luhan said as started to scoot towards Jongdae. He froze when he saw a pair of bright headlights coming straight towards them from Jongdae's window. They were coming closer and closer and they weren't stopping.

"Jongdae look out!!!" he screamed as the lights came right at them and the next thing he knew he was flying backwards and hit something with a giant crack.

Luhan screamed as he saw himself being thrown out of the car, but the next thing he knew he was back where he started, standing in the middle of the snowy street with the boy smiling at him.

"And we're back!" the boy said with a wave of his hands. "I dunno man... no matter how many times I watch you guys get into the same accident.. it never gets old." 

Luhan flinched as he felt a sharp pain in the back of his head. He slowly touched the back of his head with his hand and gasped when he felt that it was wet. He brought the hand's back down and could've sworn he saw blood but he blinked and it was gone.

"But... but how can I be here then?" Luhan said looking at his hands, completely bewildered.  

"Who said you're here here?" the boy said with a snicker. He pointed to a couple walking down the street. "Who said you're like them? You're not like them.. you aren't here like they're here. You exist like us.. you exist only in his mind."

Luhan whirled around to stare at the boy, "We exist ... in his mind?? in Jongdae's mind?"

"Bingo! and the winner of the million dollar question goes to Luhan!" the boy said jumping off the bench. "You ... you're just like us. You're now just another part of our favorite friend's crazy mind."

Luhan glanced back at his hands and looked at them again. They seemed so real, he seemed so real. He was about to protest when he heard a voice in his head.

"Jongdae... jongdae-ge you're going to be okay. Just sleep and everything will be better tomorrow. I promise."

Luhan frowned as he recognized Tao's voice. How am I hearing him? How can I hear him? he thought as he started to hear more voices in his head. 

The boy whistled. "Look's like thing's are dying down there! We should get back."

Before Luhan could say anything, the boy snapped his fingers and Luhan almost fell forward when he realized they were back at dorms. 

What is happening to me? What am I? he thought frantically as he watched the rest of the exo members walking around the living room like he wasn't even there.

The old woman was now sitting in the kitchen and rolled her eyes. "You're not very bright are you? We aren't real.. not like how they're real. We're an imagination or maybe a better word for it is a hallucination. We're Kim Jongdae's hallucinations."

Luhan slowly got onto his feet and stood up. "But I .. I used to exist. I was a person before."

"We aren't saying that there was no real Luhan. There was a Luhan that was a part of EXO. There was a Luhan that Jongdae loved but that Luhan died December 24th three years ago. What you are is just something that Jongdae made up ... or was made through desperation and sadness," the old woman said with a look that almost had a hint of kindness.

"We've been around a lot longer.... Jongdae's had a problem for a really long time but it lay dormant you know. His family made sure of it... they gave him the best care and medicine they could find but when Jongdae joined exo, he started to stop taking it. He felt stronger and happier than ever before and when he met you, he thought that he had finally conquered his demons," the boy said leaning against the doorway. "But then that accident happened and Jongdae's world came crashing down on him. Without Luhan, the stress and the sadness and the tiredness took it's toll on him and he broke." 

"And then we met you... we thought that you were just like us but then we realized that you didn't even know what you were," the old woman said. "You would show up four days before the death anniversary and you thought you were real... Jongdae would also think you were real and you two would have your little fun and then it would all stop on Christmas eve, the moment Luhan took his final breath. And then it would happen again the next year and it was like a reset button was pressed and the same thing would happen over and over again."

"Jongdae's a twisted little person isn't he. He just keeps trying to believe that you're here with him, like he has a second chance but we all know how this ends." the old woman said with a crooked smile. 

Luhan slunk down to the floor, speechless. He realized that it made sense but he didn't want to believe it. How could he not be real? How could he just be a figment of Jongdae's imagination? He sat there stunned as he watched the rest of the exo members comfort each other. 

They need to see me. They need to know that I'm here too. I'm also a part of EXO .. Have they forgotten me? Why are they forgetting? he thought frantically. He felt selfish and foolish trying to get everyone's attention but he needed some sort of affirmation that he was real. There was still so much he wanted to do. He had so much of his life that he had to live.

"Baekhyun please. We need to check him in. We can't keep doing this," Joonmyun said as he tried to hold onto Baekhyun's arms.

"No stop it. He's going to be fine!" Baekhyun said frustrated as he yanked his hand out of Joonmyun's grip. "Why do you want him to leave so badly? Huh? Do you not want him here because he's what? a little sick?"

Joonmyun flinched at the words. "Baekhyun please, you know how much he means to you but what if one day we aren't there to stop him. What if one day he hurts himself worse than before?"

Kyungsoo slowly stood behind Baekhyun. "He's not always like this hyung. You saw him.. you even told me that you thought he was back to normal this year. It's just now... this month.. the song.. everything.. it's reminding him of Luhan-hyung."

Baekhyun clenched his jaw. "This damn song... I begged them to not let us do this song but what did they tell me? That of course we had to do it. It was one of our most famous songs and of course we had to promote during the Christmas season and why? Because we're exo... we're ing famous ing exo and our company would take every opportunity to make us sing that damn song that got us to a million albums sold."

Hot tears sprung from Baekhyun's eyes as he rubbed them with frustration. "They just don't care what it does to Jongdae. How it reminds him of Luhan-hyung. How much time they spent singing this song together.. how many promises they made and how much sadness it holds for him. They just expect him to go out and sing like a ing parrot just so people can marvel at our damn voices." 

Chanyeol walked up to Baekhyun and held his hand. Baekhyun sobbed and turned to hide his face in Chanyeol's chest. "Why can't they just leave him alone? Why can't they just leave this song alone?" Baekhyun sobbed as he grabbed onto Chanyeol's shirt.

Guilt filled Joonmyun's heart as he remembered Baekhyun begging the managers and the bosses to not let them perform that song every year. Joonmyun felt like he had failed s whenever their request was denied. But what he could do? He knew that EXO had hit it big that year with their album, the song and the media circus because of Luhan's death. He knew SM benefitted greatly from all the drama and hype surrounding this song. Without Luhan, there was no more EXO M or K, they had stayed as EXO and promoted as a group of 11. Even though they had released hit song one after the other, the public still loved "Miracles in December" and so they went back to that song year after year. Joonmyun could do nothing but pick up the pieces after it was all over. 

"Hyung he'll be fine after Christmas is over... you remember? He was back to normal after the new year," Sehun said trying to sound hopeful.

"Normal? define normal," Jong-in said mockingly. "Jongdae's hyung hasn't been normal since that day. Sure he doesn't start screaming or talking to himself or call out for Luhan but he sure isn't himself anymore. He's just there... barely alive... doped up on his medication just doing what needs to be done."

"Jong-in.. don't say that," Chanyeol said with a sigh.

"Why can't I? We all know it. Sure Jongdae-hyung sings but he doesn't truly sing like he did before. He doesn't even seem to care... he just opens his mouth and sound comes out. Look at him right now... it's like he in a coma." Jong-in snapped.

"He only truly sings when he sings that song," Kyungsoo said quietly. "He only feels when he sings that song." 

Joonmyun ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. "I .. I need to talk to Kris about this before we decide." 

"There's nothing to decide. You aren't taking Jongdae .. and if you do you're taking me with him." Baekhyun said forcefully. "I won't leave him.. I won't leave him alone."

Joonmyun watched as the rest of the members stood behind Baekhyun, their eyes reflecting the same determination in Baekhyun's eyes. He wanted to join them but he also knew that he had to be realistic. Joonmyun glanced at the room where Jongdae and the rest of the remaining M members were. He knew that they would just be adamant and maybe even more when he would ask them. Though they were now EXO, everyone knew that the M members had always been tremendously close. They had been together, promoting alone in China for a whole year before they had come all together. Though they gelled incredibly well together, K would never be as close to the M members as they were to each other. Jongdae had been the first links between the two groups when they had first promoted together. Joonmyun and all may have lost Luhan, their beloved member that night but M had lost a brother and now were on the verge of losing another.

Luhan watched as Joonmyun nodded his head in agreement and he watched as he looked towards the room. Luhan knew that the rest of s were in there. He could hear them talking to him, talking to Jongdae. He slowly got up and started to walk towards the room. The door was open so he didn't have to worry about not being able to open it. 

He saw his M members standing around the bed. Tao and Yixing were sitting on either side of the bed while Minseok and Kris stood behind, faces grim. He saw tears in all the members’ eyes and Luhan wanted nothing more than to be there with them, with his brothers, his family.

"Ge... you really should sleep okay? It'll all be better in the morning," Tao said softly Jongdae's hair. Luhan looked down to see that Jongdae was awake. Luhan reached for him instinctively but noticed that Jongdae wasn't looking at him, he wasn't looking at anyone really. Jongdae just kept looking up at the ceiling, not moving.

Yixing sighed as he Jongdae's hand. "Jongdae ... talk to me, talk to us. We're here for you. We can get through this together."

When Jongdae didn't respond, Minseok tried, "Hey Jongdae, just tell hyung what I can do and I'll do it. Do you want to go home? Do you want to see your mom?" 

No response.

The rest of the members looking up at Kris, hoping that their duizhang could get through to Jongdae. Kris just shook his head and said, "There's nothing we can do. We can't give him what he wants... we just... let's just stay .. stay with him and just be here." 

Luhan watched as Kris tried to be strong for them but he could see the tiredness and sadness in Kris's face. Luhan always used to tell Kris to talk to him whenever he was stressed. Luhan was older after all and he knew that people always expected a bit too much from Kris. 

Yixing suddenly stopped Jongdae's hand and Luhan saw a glimmer of hope in his eyes. "Hey Jongdae... do you want me to sing it for you? Remember the lullaby you love? I remember teaching it to Luhan when we first met and I remember you guys always used to love singing it," he said reaching up to cup Jongdae's face. 

Luhan gave a pained smile as he watched the rest of the members start to look hopeful. Yixing started, his soft delicate voice filling the silent room. It was soon joined by Minseok's higher alto voice that pierced through the air. Tao and Kris joined right after, their lower huskier voices mellowing out the melody. All that was missing was Luhan and Jongdae. All that was missing was Luhan's airy clear voice and Jongdae's powerful angelic voice to complete the song. 

Luhan started to sing as well, not caring if they could hear him. He just wanted to sing with them, to be with them. He looked over at Jongdae, hopeful that he would snap out of his trance. Jongdae didn't move, his eyes not leaving the ceiling. The M members kept singing and slowly Jongdae's lips started to tremble and tears started to escape from his eyes. Luhan started to cry as he watched Jongdae come out of his stupor and he watched the sadness return to his eyes. 

Jongdae's shoulders started to shake as more and more tears fell from his eyes. Yixing let go of his hand so that Jongdae could cover his face.

"It's okay jongdae... just let it all out," Yixing said soothingly.

Jongdae shook his head and sobbed, "I'm sorry... I’m sorry for everything. I'm sorry that I'm doing this to you guys. Why won't it stop? Why can't I stop hurting?"

Minseok walked over to the head of the bed and grabbed one of Jongdae's hand. "Don't say sorry Jongdae, don't ever apologize for hurting. We're here for you and we always will be," he said with conviction.

Jongdae glanced up from his hands and looked at Minseok. "But ... I.. I'm going crazy hyung. I see Luhan everywhere... I can hear him, I can touch him.. I can feel him. I know he's dead but he's still here with me and I know that's wrong but I don't want him to go and I know Luhan doesn't want to go either. It's like when I'm with him, I'm back to where we were three years ago. I feel like I can stop it... stop it all from happening. I feel like I have a second chance."

"But you know that's not possible Jongdae.. you know that you're going to have to let him go." Minseok said slowly.

Jongdae opened up his lips to protest but Kris suddenly said, "But you don't have to forget him Jongdae. We would never ask you to do that. How can we forget Luhan? How can we forget our brother?"

"How can I forget my best friend?" Yixing said quietly. "How can I forget all the time's he was there for me... how he cared for me when I was injured."

"How can I forget my Luhan-ge, who would always play with me and wipe away my tears every time I cried when we won any small award?" Tao said with a small smile.

"How can I forget my twin?" Minseok said staring into Jongdae's eyes. "How can I forget all the times we played soccer together and rocked out to same music together?" 

"How can we forget how happy you two were together? We won't ever forget how much Luhan loved you and how much you loved him," Yixing said finally as he took Jongdae's other hand. "But we all have to let him go. Jongdae you have to let him go because you're not going to get better and we loved Luhan but right now you're the one here with us, you're the one that we can help.... that we can save."

Luhan's eyes filled with tears as he realized how true Yixing words were. How right everyone was. He was afraid of being forgotten but he should have realized...remembered how much they had cared for each other, how much they had loved him. We will always be a family Luhan thought as he watched the members look at Jongdae with tired but loving eyes. 

But Luhan knew that it wasn't as simple as that. If Luhan had maybe been a ghost, he could have walked into the light or something but he was a part of Jongdae... he was a part of Jongdae's mind and only Jongdae had the power or the choice to let him go. 

Luhan watched as Jongdae looked at all of the members and Luhan prayed that maybe Jongdae would agree but he saw that familiar wall go up and Jongdae leaned back on his pillow and closed his eyes. "I can't... I can't let him go." Jongdae said with heartbreak in his voice. "I can't live without him. Just.. just give me the medicine. I'll take it and I'll be okay ... okay enough to live but don't ask me.. don't make me let him go." 

Yixing closed his eyes in defeat and Tao started to cry as they all watched Jongdae retreat back into his shell, away from them. Minseok and Kris's face's turned stoic as they watched Jongdae refuse. Though the medicine kept Jongdae's hallucinations away, they also made him less coherent, less like himself. It kept Jongdae sane but it also gave them a Jongdae devoid of emotions. 

Minseok patted Jongdae on his head, "Okay Jongdae. We won't make you do anything you don't want to. Just sleep for right now. We can talk more tomorrow."

"All you need to do now is rest... that's all we want you to focus on right now," Kris said sadly. He reached down to give Jongdae's hand a tight squeeze and then left the room with Minseok and Tao.

Yixing stayed back just watching Jongdae. "I know it may seem crazy but I almost wish sometimes that I could see him too," he said quietly. "I wish I could see Luhan again just to thank him for being my best friend and that I love him so much." Yixing's voice cracked at the end when he couldn't control his emotions any longer. 

Luhan reached out to grab Yixing's hand but it was no use and Luhan could only whisper an "I know... I love you too." even though he knew he couldn't hear him. Yixing stayed a bit longer, trying to control his tears. When he finally quieted down he gave a big sigh and leaned over to kiss Jongdae on the forehead. "I love you Jongdae... don't forget that. Good night," he said as he left the room and closed the door behind him.

Luhan watched as Yixing closed the door and then it was just him and Jongdae in the room. Jongdae opened his eyes and he turned around to look at where Luhan was standing. Luhan's heart leapt up when he thought that maybe Jongdae could see him but there no flash of recognition in Jongdae's eyes.

"Now its boring," the old woman said as she appeared near the windowsill.

"He can't see us and now we have nothing to do and no one to play with," the boy said with a pout. "The medicine wears off... it always does around this time. Let's just hope Jongdae keeps throwing away the pills instead of eating them for the rest of the year."

Luhan frowned as he watched the pair. "What are you talking about?"

The boy clapped his hands together, "Well his medicine keeps his hallucinations away and Jongdae, the sweet boy always listens and takes his medicine diligently but then Christmas time comes and he just can't bear to not see his little Luhan so he always stops taking the medicine. Not that it matters, no medicine can stop him from seeing you Christmas Eve."

"Why?" Luhan asks confused.

"I thought you should know this by now but come it's Luhan's death anniversary. Emotions run high and today is the day that Jongdae will be the least stable. No amount of sedatives or medication can stop him from feeling the flood of emotions on this day."

"So that means he'll see me again?" Luhan says, hating the hope in his voice as he bends down next to Jongdae. "I can talk to him and touch him and love him?"

The boy rolls his eyes, "Yeah yeah whatever but how about you try to convince him to stay off his meds okay? Me and the old gal don't like being shut out all the time."

Luhan turns to glare at the pair, "No ... leave him alone. He needs to get better. They'll take care of him and he won't have to see you guys anymore."

The old woman raises her eyebrow, "That also means he won't be able to see you anymore." 

Luhan gulps, knowing what it means but he knows that this is what is right. He may not be real or be the real Luhan but he loves Jongdae as much as Luhan did and he knows that this is what he has to do.

"I don't care... Jongdae needs to get better even if it means letting me go," he says quietly. He glares at them again, "Now leave us alone. Get out!" he yells.

The pair look at each other and shrug their heads. "Just like before... but don't worry we come back... we always come back because you? you're too weak .. to selfish to let Jongdae go so we'll be back and we'll keep coming back," the boy says confidently. 

"Adieu my friend, till the next December!" he says with a small wave and with a snap of his finger, they both disappear. 

Luhan heaves a sigh of relief as soon as the pair disappears. He still doesn't know who they are or what they mean to Jongdae but seeing Jongdae's reactions to them he knows that it can't be good. He looks at Jongdae's face and watches the other boy start to drift off.

"Sleep jongdae... sleep well.. I'll be here waiting" Luhan says softly as Jongdae's eyes close and soon Luhan starts to feel sleepy so he leans his head on the bed post and falls asleep listening to Jongdae's heartbeat. 

~

"No I can't... I can't die now," Luhan cried as he grimaced from the pain that consumed his body. Jongdae grabbed his hands and tried to calm him down.

"No it's okay Luhannie... you're going to be alright I promise okay? Just hang in there," Jongdae said as he tried to stop the bleeding from Luhan's many wounds. Glass shards stuck out from his body everywhere and Jongdae wanted desperately to pull them out but he was afraid that it would just make things worse.

"I have so much more to live," Luhan choked out as he tried to move any part of his broken body. His grip tightened around Jongdae's hands. "We have so much more to live... I still haven't loved you, I haven't even shown you my hometown or make you meet my terrible parents." 

Tears streamed down Jongdae's eyes as he tried to wipe away the sweaty bangs from Luhan's face, trying not to get anymore blood on them. "We still have time.. don't worry. We'll be okay. You'll be okay. You have to be okay."

"I have to be okay. I can't lose you," Luhan cried as he grabbed Jongdae's hand for dear life. "Please help me."

Jongdae looked around, trying to see something, anything through the deep snowfall. "Help! please someone help us!" he screamed into the dark night. "Someone save him." 

"He doesn't want to die, he doesn’t want to leave me. Please help me!!! Anyone!" Jongdae kept screaming as he grabbed onto Luhan's hand as he felt it get weaker and weaker.

"Help us!"

Jongdae eye's sprung open as he woke up from his "nightmare". He sighed as he leaned over to touch the empty space next to him on his bed. It was cold, just like it had been ever since that night. He slowly got up and grimaced as he realized that someone had taken him back to his room. His eyes wandered over to Luhan's side of the room and he felt that similar pang of emptiness he got whenever he was in his room. It didn't feel like his room, not when Luhan wasn't here. He winced as he pushed himself off the bed and glanced down at his bandaged hands. His hands hurt but he didn't really didn't care at the moment. He stood in the middle of his room and glanced around the empty room. He looked at Luhan's bed, still folded perfectly and his immaculately clean desk. Jongdae always made sure to dust it because he knew Luhan hated dust. He walked over to the closet and slowly opened it. Pushing his jackets away he smiled as he grazed Luhan's jackets on the other side of the closet. A familiar smell wafted through his nose and Jongdae's heart pained as he realized that it was getting more and more faint. 

A small knock on the door caused Jongdae to look toward the door and slowly Baekhyun peeked his way in. A smile slowly appeared on Baekhyun's face as he saw Jongdae. 

"Oh you're awake. Good morning," he said cheerfully as he walked into the room and closed the door behind him.

Jongdae shifted his attention back to the closet, giving only a small hello. He didn't really know what to say to his best friend anymore. Jongdae knew he was being selfish and crazy but he couldn't help it, no matter how much it hurt the people he loved. 

He felt Baekhyun stand behind him and held his breath as Baekhyun grabbed his hand slowly and brought it away from Luhan's jackets. "You should rest Jongdae-ya. It'll be good for you."

Jongdae allowed himself to be pulled towards his bed and he grumbled only a little bit when Baekhyun tucked him in again. Jongdae was about to protest more but stopped when he felt Baekhyun lie down next to him, slowly holding his hand.

"Let's just lie here okay? You don't have to talk to me ... but just try to rest okay?" Baekhyun said softly as brought the blanket closer to Jongdae's face. 

Jongdae looked down at his and Baekhyun's hand and felt like the worst person in the world. Why couldn't he get better? Why couldn't he be stronger? 

"I... I'm sorry Baekhyun... so sorry." he whispered as he felt tears well up in his eyes. "I'm sorry that I'm like this... that I'm doing this to you and everyone. I'm sorry I'm dumb and weak."

"Don't ... don't say that Jongdae... don't ever be sorry," Baekhyun said as he tipped Jongdae's chin up so he could look at his best friend's eyes and make sure that he knew that. "I .. we will always be here for you Kim Jongdae. You're one of us, a part of our family so don't be sorry. Just know that we love you. I love you."

Jongdae stared back at his best friend and remembered the first time he had met Baekhyun, during their audition. Jongdae had been so scared about his audition but his fear had dissipated the moment that a certain kid named Byun Baekhyun had skipped towards him and had decided then and there that they would both make it. 

"You look like an idol to me... and I can tell you'll be great.. maybe a dancer?" Baekhyun had chirped as he gave Jongdae's hand a squeeze before he walked into his audition. Jongdae hadn't even said anything to him, still in shock that someone like him existed in this world. The first time he even spoke to Baekhyun was during their third round of auditions and by that time Jongdae had pretty much heard about Baekhyun's whole life story. Baekhyun had done most of the talking during their first year of friendship and Jongdae was glad that he had someone like Baekhyun in his corner. His first real moment of crisis was when Jongdae found out that they would separated but a long night of Baekhyun promising him to call/email/shout/scream Jongdae every night and meeting Luhan had made the separation much easier. 

Jongdae now watched his best friend lying next to him, six years later and was still in awe of how big Baekhyun's heart really was. He didn't deserve a best friend like Baekhyun not when he was being so selfish. He opened his mouth, wanting to say something to his best friend but he couldn't. He saw Baekhyun's eyes fill with sadness when he didn't say anything and Jongdae looked down at his hands again, disappointed in himself. 

"You know Jongdae, the first time I saw you I knew I wanted you to be my best friend... you know why?" Baekhyun said as he pushed Jongdae's bangs out of his face.

Jongdae didn't say anything but looked back up at Baekhyun expectantly.

Baekhyun smiled, "Because I could tell you that you were someone that would always give your everything no matter what you did. When you sing, when you dance, when you love you give your everything to it and I admire that because  watching you sing makes me want to sing even more. And when I used to see you and Luhan with each other, I wanted to have someone like that in my life as well. Your dedication, your passion and your heart is what makes you a great best friend and I'd like to think that's also why Luhan loved you so much. So I hope that one day you can see for it yourself how great you are and how much more you have to offer."

Jongdae struggled to breath as he listened to Baekhyun's words. He didn't deserve any of this.

"And I'll always be here, supporting you, protecting you okay? So please just talk to me. Tell me when you hurt, tell me when you can't see or breathe and I'll help you. Just don't leave or do anything more that hurts you, talk to me and we can work through this together," Baekhyun said his voice breaking a little at the end. 

Jongdae remained silent for what seemed like an eternity to Baekhyun and Baekhyun thought he had hit another dead end when suddenly Jongdae said, "I'm scared that I'll forget." 

Baekhyun frowned not understanding what Jongdae had said, "What do you mean?"

"I'm scared that one day I won't be able to remember the truth. I'm scared that I'll forget what we really were," Jongdae said quietly as he tightened his grip on the blanket. He felt fresh tears pour down his cheek as he tried to explain to someone, anyone what he was most frightened of.

Baekhyun laid there quietly, giving Jongdae the time he needed to let it all out.

"I know deep down inside that the Luhan I see isn't my Luhan but I miss him so much that I want to believe that it's him. But every year that it happens I start to lose a grip on reality and I get confused and mixed up about what really happened and what just happened in my mind," Jongdae whispered. "I remember holding Luhan in my arms as he died but I'm forgetting everything else, I'm forgetting what happened, what we said to each other. I don't even know if I told him I loved him." 

"Every December I see my Luhan and I remember how much I loved him and how much he loved me. We're still singing Miracles in December and we're still preparing the mandarin version but each time it happens there are little differences that stick out in my mind. What Luhan says, what Luhan eats, something always changes and I let it happen. But now... now I can't figure out what's real and what's not, what actually happened and what I just made up in my stupid mind. It's like there's this giant wall around my memories and I don't know how or if I want to break it down." 

Baekhyun waited until Jongdae took a breath before scooting over and enveloping him in a hug. Jongdae burrowed himself into Baekhyun's chest and started to sob, "It hurts ... so much to keep on losing him but I still need him to be here next to me. I can feel my grip on reality slipping away and even though I'm scared I'll forget, I'm afraid holding onto the real Luhan and our memories will be worse than the memories I make in my own head."

"You must think I'm insane... I think I'm insane for being so cowardly and desperate," Jongdae mumbled through the blankets.

Baekhyun gave Jongdae a big squeeze and started to rub his arms, "No ... never. I just think you're hurting and coping with it the best that you can... But Jongdae maybe it's time to change... maybe you need to let yourself remember."

Jongdae stilled as he took in Baekhyun's words. "I'm afraid... what if it all stops then?"

"What if it's for the best?" Baekhyun replied hesitantly.

"I... I don't think I can." 

"I believe in you Jongdae even when you don't believe in yourself, I'll believe in you," Baekhyun said softly and his words kept ringing in Jongdae's ears. Jongdae sat up on the bed, trying to remember where he had heard those words before. 

I believe in you Jongdae... I'll always believe in you

Baekhyun sat up as well worriedly, "Are you alright Jongdae?"

Jongdae turned to say he was but stopped when he saw something that took his breath away. 

Luhan

There he was, his Luhan, sitting on his own bed smiling. Jongdae's heart skipped a beat as he watched the familiar crinkles around Luhan's eyes when he smiled brightly and even though Jongdae knew he was just a hallucination, he didn't really care. Luhan was here. 

Baekhyun saw the shift in Jongdae's mood immediately and he glanced back behind him even though he knew he wasn't going to see anything. He inwardly sighed as he slowly got up from the bed and gave Jongdae a peck on the forehead. "Just try... if not for me then for yourself Jongdae... okay?" he whispered softly.

Jongdae's eyes moved away from Luhan to Baekhyun and Jongdae grabbed his hand and whispered, "Thank you, Byun Baekhyun for always being there for me."

Baekhyun smiled as he saw a flicker of his old Jongdae come back and for a split second, he wanted Jongdae to keep continuing to see Luhan, if it meant that his old best friend would return back to him. 

"Always, Kim Jongdae... always," he said as he walked through the doorway and closed the door behind him.

As the door clicked shut, Jongdae turned back to look at the love of his life.

"Hey," he said quietly, all of a sudden feeling shy.

Luhan chuckled softly as he patted the spot next to him on his bed, "Hey yourself."

Jongdae slowly got up from his bed and walked over to Luhan's bed, ignoring the pain in his hands. He sat down next to Luhan quietly and just like old times, leaned his head on Luhan's shoulder. He sighed contently, "I missed you."

"and I missed you... but Jongdae I think we need to talk," Luhan said quietly as he intertwined his fingers with Jongdae. "We need to talk about me... and you. We need to talk about the truth."