More Than The Air I Breathe

Chapter 21

By the end of March, doctors still hadn't managed to give Baekhyun's disease a name. 

After a few weeks of general analysis, Baekhyun had been permanently transferred in Jongin's oncologic department, and the only thing the man managed to tell Baekhyun's family and friends was that the boy was suffering from an abnormal activity of his bone marrow. 

Kyungsoo could not understand the meaning of such a statement, but as he saw Baekhyun being confined in a sterilized room, in the same department where the two of them had seen kids suffering from serious diseases, he couldn't help feeling his world suddenly falling on his shoulders. 

Their lives had been set upside down, too suddenly, too quickly, and the only thought of Baekhyun staying in a hospital was enough for him to feel his breath abandoning him. 

Jongin had posed a soft hand on his shoulder, the day of Baekhyun's recovery, and promised him in a serious voice that everything would have solved, that he didn't have to lose temper and faith before time. Kyungsoo let the man help him in wearing a coat, a mask, gloves and a pair of slippers instead of his shoes and listened carefully as Jongin instructed to repeat the procedure every time he had to enter Baekhyun's room, to prevent external bacteria from effecting Baekhyun's health any further, and Kyungsoo nodded, registering every of the man's word as vital instructions. 

He passed besides Baekhyun's family and didn't know what to do, how to feel, as he met their dull expressions yet soft smiles.

"He is waiting for you." Baekhyun's older brother said and Kyungsoo nodded, greeting Baekhyun's parents, who were hugging each other and holding hands tightly, with his most supporting smile.

When he entered the room, Baekhyun welcomed him with a loud laugh and bright eyes, almost like he wasn't the one laying on a bed, in a hospital room. It made Kyungsoo instinctively smile back.

"You look like Casper the ghost." Baekhyun informed, smirking "Even the eyes are the same." 

Kyungsoo looked highly offended, but smiled eventually.

He took a seat on a chair besides Baekhyun's bed, "How are you feeling?"

"Normal." Baekhyun answered before changing the topic quickly "How was class today?"

Kyungsoo accepted to let Baekhyun talk of what made him feel more comfortable and chatted with him about his day, is such a casual, relaxed way they almost forgot to be there.

"Do you think the hospital will have coats big enough to fit Chanyeol?" 

Kyungsoo laughed softly, thinking he could never get enough of Baekhyun's precious, sincere laugh.

-

Luhan comes to pay Baekhyun a visit and to pick Kyungsoo up, smiling softly as he sees the latter standing behind the glass door of the small hallway that connects the department's waiting room with Baekhyun's. He walks to the door and leaves a few knocks on it. Kyungsoo, who is disinfecting his hands carefully, turns around and smiles at his sight. 

They face each other across the glass, soft smiles mixed with concerned eyes over Baekhyun's current situation, and Luhan tilts his head slightly before speaking, slow, to let Kyungsoo read his words. "See you later."

Kyungsoo nods, his heart-shaped, small smile stealing Luhan's breath away. 

The man watches as he disappears in the hallway in hurried steps, Kyungsoo being very strict with his time as he does not want to waste a second to be with his best friend during his visits, especially now that Baekhyun has started a therapy that, apparently, will make him feel often tired and out of strength. Luhan is about to take a book out of his bag, to wait for the two best friends inside to spend some time alone, when he hears some steps and sees a figure walking to him.

He lets the corner of his lips curve slightly to greet Jongin. 

Jongin sits besides him, silent, and it makes Luhan so nervous to meet him again after more than a long month, after all that has happened. Keeping a dull gaze on Luhan's arm, Jongin tries to speak, opening his mouth a few times and then closing it again. 

Luhan puts his bag away. "How is Baekhyun?"

"As for now, he is doing well."

"Is it true that you don't know what his problems are about, Jongin?"

Jongin looks up and finds Luhan looking at him with serious, intense eyes. "An abnormal activity of the bone marrow isn't what leukemia is about?"

"Not necessarily." Jongin sighs "It's too soon to give it a name."

Luhan falls silent, his hands finding each other and holding, tight. "He will be okay, won't he." 

Jongin lets his academical, rational side fall in the depth of his mind as the other man stares at him with eyes that demand for a positive answer. "He will." 

Luhan nods, choosing to believe him, and lets out a deep breath. He can't wait to see Baekhyun, he thinks as he closes his eyes, the boy who would always smile more than anybody else despite him being the one forced in a hospital room. Besides him, Jongin gazes at his face, unable to stop. 

A few knocks on the glass door meters away bring them both to snap their heads up, to meet Kyungsoo standing there, looking at their direction with big, puzzled eyes. The boy blinks a few times at seeing them together, then he greets Jongin with a waving hand, going then to smile at Luhan and gesturing him to come inside, too.

"Baekhyun wants to see you." Luhan reads on his lips.

He smiles and nods, exchanging a short, soft gaze with the boy before he goes back inside once again. Luhan stands up, gathering his things to go, when Jongin's voice makes him stop.

"You used to look at me, that way." 

Jongin speaks before he can even think, and his words make Luhan freeze. "It was him, wasn't it." he gulps, "Kyungsoo."

The loss of words from Luhan makes them both stare at an unfocused point, swallowing. Luhan bites his lips and feels unable to meet Jongin's eyes again, heart missing a beat as he realizes he never wanted Jongin to know. 

"You talked of him as an impossible love," Jongin makes him notice in a low voice, extremely melancholic, but calm "You made it possible, eventually?"

"He did." Luhan replies, and that's the truth. Kyungsoo has been the one to find his courage, and he has been the one to make Luhan find his own, too. He feels his heart light at the thought of how things managed to change between them, but the feeling passes at knowing Jongin is there.

Jongin stays silent, not having words to say, while Luhan does everything to avoid his eyes. He doesn't even know how to feel about the thin boy he has almost seen growing up having stolen the love of his life from him. He doesn't manage to feel angry, if anything, bitter, but not angry. He has happened to see that quick exchange of glances and smiles and that alone had been enough for him to see everything that was there to see, a love so soft and innocent to seem surreal. 

"Are you two together?"

The question makes Luhan press his lips together into a tight line. He looks down, "We are two people who know they love each other, a relationship with no name. We won't care giving it one if Baekhyun doesn't get out from that bed first."

Jongin stays silent for a while. 

"I will do my best." he says eventually "For Baekhyun, and for you."

"Why."

Luhan finds the strength to look back and fixes blinking, questioning eyes on Jongin's numb expression. He doesn't need Jongin to feel sympathetic of him, he doesn't want Jongin to care about him anymore.

Jongin takes a short breath, standing up. "Because it's my job, because Baekhyun is a wonderful boy who deserves to live his life thoughtlessly, and because even if it's not with me, I want to know you are happy."

"Jongin-"

"If he is the one you want, I can nothing but wish you the best, Luhan." 

Luhan forces himself not to cry at the injustice that Jongin's soft, beautiful personality is for him, for his selfish self. He can nothing but thank the man with a last, sorrowful glance, unable to say 'thank you' as he finds himself unable to accept Jongin's understanding and support in the first place. 

Once again, he can't help being the wrong one.

-

Kyungsoo is in Baekhyun's room with Chanyeol and Sehun, they all once again laughing at how ridiculous Chanyeol looks in a coat too small for him, when Hyeri arrives. 

"Jongin-hyung said he would have ordered one my size, but I still look constipated, for God's sake." Chanyeol is whining, on the verge of tears, while his boyfriends and his two friends find themselves with tears in their eyes too, but for the laughter. 

It's Baekhyun who spots Hyeri first, having the door right in front of his eyes, and he smiles a little smile to the woman as she hesitantly sneaks her head inside. She enters when Baekhyun gestures her to, and immediately locks eyes with Kyungsoo as the boy turns his head. 

There is a moment of heavy silence, then Hyeri speaks, low "I can come back later." 

Chanyeol shakes his head and feels Sehun grabbing his arm, "We were about to head out, noona." 

Kyungsoo watches his friends walking out the room quickly after that, leaving him alone facing his mother, while Baekhyun observes the scene with saddened eyes from the bed. Since the day of their fight, Kyungsoo and Hyeri had met almost sporadically, at home. Kyungsoo had come back wordlessly, and for how much he had expected his mother to tell him anything, when he showed up, Hyeri couldn't find the right words. 

She had started working a little more than she had to, to avoid staying home. Kyungsoo kept on living his life as nothing had changed, except he would often sleep over to Luhan's place, and his conversations with his mother had become mere post-it left on the fridge, where he would write things like 'Dinner is the oven, I won't come back for the night.'. Hyeri knew Kyungsoo could only be with Luhan, now that Baekhyun wasn't even home anymore, and couldn't pretend she was okay with that. At least, Kyungsoo thought sadly everyday, she was not fighting him. 

Yet maybe it would have been better than living as separated entities while sharing the same home and, most important, after a life spent together. 

Kyungsoo only tired to cover up how sad it all made him feel for Luhan, not wanting the man to feel guilty for something he had no faults for, even though Luhan still couldn't help feeling guilty anyway. 

Luhan felt even worse when, a day not far away from Kyungsoo's confession to him, he had met Yixing at work and made to tell the man everything, only to find out he already knew.

"Hyeri told me everything." Yixing explained, his expression different from any other Luhan had ever seen on him. He looked surrendered. 

Luhan had smiled a sad smile, "Take care of her, Yixing. Kyungsoo won't even talk to her, and she-"

"I broke up with her, Lu-ge."

Luhan was left stunned into silence. His younger friend bit his lips.

"She told me everything, gege. Everything." he seemed to really want to emphasize the word "And I don't want to be with a person who has the ugly courage to call you a sick man."

Yixing seemed saddened, but firm. Luhan felt tears of guilt forming in his eyes, and found himself shaking his head, refusing that truth, but Yixing grabbed his hands, "You are the most beautiful man I've ever met, Lu-ge. I don't care about my feelings if they are for someone who can't see what you are, or put her own stereotypes before her son's happiness. I just can't."

"But she is right." Luhan weakly protested "I am at fault, she just has to-"

"Understand." Yixing ended for him "But meanwhile, she is acting like a cold-hearted, cruel woman, and I can't accept it. Especially if the one suffering from it is you." 

Luhan rested in the little hug that followed, unable to say a word. "I don't know what to say.. It's always my fault."

Yixing only imitated the sound of the wrong choices in quiz games, smiling supportively. "Wrong, you're just supposed to say 'I love you, Yixing.'".  Luhan smiled, "Wo ai ni, Yixing."

Kyungsoo had been told about the story, and he couldn't feel sympathetic for his mother. He wondered if he was being unfair, but he was sure he had all the rights to expect respect and understanding for his life choices. 

Hyeri looks away after a short while now, trying to force her tears back. She would think of Kyungsoo's words everyday, and everyday she would wish to believe them before thinking Kyungsoo will never really be happy with Luhan, thinking of Jongin, thinking of her past and of how her father would react if he knew his grandson had gone to Luhan eventually. 

"I don't want to disturb you guys, I just wanted to see you, Baekhyunie."

"You never disturb, noona." Baekhyun answers, a gentle smile on his face. Kyungsoo turns to him and nods, walking away silently to leave the two alone. They haven't meet for long.

His mother watches him exiting the room with her heart breaking a little more. As she walks to Baekhyun and forces a smile out for him, asking him how is he feeling, the boy sets serious, scolding eyes on her.

"What are you doing, noona?" he asks with sad disbelief, making her freeze "How long are you going to act like Kyungsoo doesn't exist?"

She bites her lips, once again, unable to find her words.

"He is dying knowing his mother won't accept him. He feels like you've always lied to him, saying no matter what, you will always be by his side. He is your son, noona, and he has me staying here, as if your absence from his life wasn't enough. How do you think he is doing? He is so stressed, and depressed, only Luhan-hyung manages to be a light in his life."

Baekhyun notices the way Hyeri's expression tenses at his last sentence, feeling a grip at his stomach. He feels tired now.

"He needs you, and me, and him. You should deal with it and be happy to know your only son has found his soulmate. I don't understand."

"You are not a mother." Hyeri only says, weak, receiving a disapproving sound in return. 

"I love Kyungsoo, as you do. This is everything I need to be, someone who loves Kyungsoo."

Baekhyun feels like falling asleep as Hyeri stares blankly at his chest, a glimpse of a headache starting to form in his mind that he desperately wants to kick away.

He closes his eyes wishing his words won't be thrown away to the wind.  

-

A/N

Not want to spoiler but.. yeah, next chapter is gonna be rated M XD

(maybe, this way you will forgive me because I know you hate me D:)

Thank you all for reading and commenting <3