More Than The Air I Breathe

Chapter 20

Kyungsoo sleeps inside Luhan's arms, on Luhan's bed, for the first time that night, and he knows he doesn't want to renounce to it from now on.

The truth is that they don't really sleep, that night, not even for a minute. They face each other, bodies brushing and eyes unable to separate, as their fingers explore the soft skin of their hands, arms, neck, face. 

They spend the entire time trying to understand what would have happened next, unable to find the answer. 

Luhan feels unable to remove his eyes from Kyungsoo's figure as well as he feels unable to think of anything else apart from him, and still, morning is going to come soon and it won't be that easy to ignore the world anymore.

All the things happened in the last days hunt him and Luhan is scared to believe the happy ending he has always renounced to, could possibly happen now. 

"You're perfect." Kyungsoo whispers on Luhan's lips in that exact moment, heart and mind full of admiration and love for the man who has accepted to go against everyone with him, for them.

Luhan looks into Kyungsoo's eyes and smiles, seeing the man who really manages to make him want to stay with him forever.

A spot in his mind still feels hopeless, but Kyungsoo's love wins over it.

-

Baekhyun has wished for something to change but the way it has changed, from one day to another, manages to shock him. 

He waits for Kyungsoo to come at his place as every morning, to walk towards school, and his face completely drops when he sees Luhan's car stopping a few meters away from him, Kyungsoo coming out after having left a soft smile to the driver and then looking over to Baekhyun with nervous eyes.

"Hi Baekhyunie, see you in class." greets Luhan, bright and gentle as usual, and Baekhyun answers with the same gentleness before fixing his eyes on Kyungsoo, demanding.

"How are you feeling?" Kyungsoo only asks, concerned, and Baekhyun's eyes get thin.

"I'm fine. What about you?" 

Kyungso says nothing for a while, ignoring the way his best friend frowns, and starts walking with his eyes fixed on the ground. Baekhyun follows and stares, so intensely he makes Kyungsoo uncomfortable at an unbearable point so the younger boy turns around, rolling his eyes, and Baekhyun grin in satisfaction.

"You were right." Kyungsoo says, lips pressed tightly together, and his friend raises an eyebrow.

"As usual. But what are we talking about?" 

Kyungsoo sighs, "Luhan."

Baekhyun frowns, realization hitting him all of sudden and making his eyes go wide. He spends the entire walk to University forcing Kyungsoo to tell him everything that has happened in the last hours and instead, Kyungsoo tells him everything from the beginning, the day of his fight with his grandfather. 

The brave confession is interrupted by Chanyeol and Sehun bumping into the two friends with overly excited expressions that clash with the dull ones on Kyungsoo and Baekhyun's faces. As Chanyeol informs Sehun has a free day at school and will attend class with them the whole day, the tall boy's boyfriend quickly notices something is off with the other two.

"Kyungsoo-hyung?" he calls, questioningly and now weary at the way Kyungsoo keeps his eyes wide open, more than usual "Something happened?" 

Chanyeol lets his expression fall as he notices the serious atmosphere and sets curious eyes on the boy as well, bringing Kyungsoo to only gulp slightly before locking eyes with a supporting Baekhyun. 

"I confessed," Kyungsoo reveals in nothing more than a whisper, after a short moment "To Luhan." 

The confession brings Chanyeol and Sehun to widen their eyes uncontrollably, in shock, and none of the two boys can nothing if not stare at Kyungsoo blankly for long enough to make the shorter boy close in his shoulders defensively.

"He loves me." Kyungsoo whispers eventually, just as Baekhyun wraps an arm around his waist and the two other boys manage to snap out of their trance.

It's Sehun who walks to Kyungsoo first, eyes full of concern, yet softness, and takes the boy's hands into his own.

"That was meant-to-be, wasn't it." he smiles "No matter how hard it will be, you deserve your happiness, hyung."

"You do." Chanyeol helps, a serious expression on his face that is so hard to see on him "I'm so happy you found the courage to let your feelings explode."

Kyungsoo only smiles bashfully, gazing at Baekhyun's face "I was helped by the right people."

Baekhyun catches the thankful comment and smiles, something sad shining into his eyes that Sehun and Chanyeol going to hug Kyungsoo tightly manage to let pass unnoticed.

He stays besides Kyungsoo and keeps supportive eyes on him the entire time his best friend opens up about his shared words with Luhan the previous night, shivering at the way Kyungsoo's eyes get teary as he recalls the highlights of those moments just one other time.

Chanyeol and Sehun listen carefully, captured and admired by the courage Kyungsoo has finally found, and do their best to make Kyungsoo understand no matter what, he has to go through everything and come out as the winner, just like they did.

"Thank God I have you." Kyungsoo finishes, drained, but sincere, and receives one tight hug from his friends all together.  The boys understand Kyungsoo's need of being sure that even if he has prevented himself from believing in a happy ending for too long, now he has hope, and someone will always be there for him to share it.

"You will always have us." Chanyeol says in the hug and Kyungsoo feels his hand being held impossibly tight by Baekhyun's one in that moment. Before he can send Baekhyun a look, stranged out, as they separate, Sehun looks for his attention and smiles one of those mature, deep smile that Kyungsoo knows it's hard to have from him.

"Don't be scared." Sehun whispers, to make his words arrive to Kyungsoo and only him "Remember what I always say?"

Kyungsoo smiles as he nods. "Always." 

-

Kyungsoo is about to leave University with Baekhyun when the latter's football coach approaches them near the gates, breathless, a serious expression on his face as he looks for Baekhyun's wide, puzzled eyes.

"I received a call from your doctor." the man begins "He informed me your blood analysis revealed you suffer from Anemia, Baekhyun."

Kyungsoo hears the name and goes looking at Baekhyun in a matter of second, his own eyes opening wide while Baekhyun's face drops, taken aback. He doesn't turn to look at Kyungsoo's face and only stares into his coach's eyes, pleading.

"I have to cut you out from the rose, Baekhyun, I'm sorry." 

The boy starts shaking his head vehemently. "Hyung, please, don't do this to me. I need football, I'll be fine. The doctor said I only have to follow a little therapy and I'll be fine."

Kyungsoo starts looking from Baekhyun to the coach regularly, completely shocked. He sees the man sighing deeply before crossing his arms.

"I can't. You are a precious player, but I can't keep you." with a last concerned, deep look, the man point a finger to Baekhyun "I have to think of your health first, and you should, too."

When he leaves, Baekhyun's coach leaves Kyungsoo and Baekhyun stunned into silence. Baekhyun shuts his eyes close, a light desperation obvious on his face, and Kyungsoo can nothing if not snort loudly at the sight.

"Anemia? When did this happen?" he asks, incredulous,  and only then Baekhyun goes looking at him guiltily, after a long sigh.

"It's not a big deal. It just means I need to eat more meat."

Kyungsoo stares into the other's eyes, pointed. "You only eat meat, Byun Baekhyun."

The way Baekhyun cut off the discussion, hurried, before starting to walk home almost as to run away from Kyungsoo's curious, concerned expression only makes the younger boy feel a sudden, tight hold around his heart. 

He can't help wondering if all that weakness, that paleness, the fainting Baekhyun has suffered in the last long months were all connected to this, and he hopes it will really be nothing, eventually, because when it comes to Baekhyun, Kyungsoo can't help taking nothing lightly. 

For a moment, not even the woman waiting at home for him to arrive and change their whole world seems important anymore.

-

The moment Kyungsoo sees Hyeri, though, he forgets about anything else apart from her, them.

Hyeri is on the couch, reading one of her beloved books, and gives Kyungsoo a small smile when she spots him entering the apartment. Kyungsoo can only think of what could have possibly happened the night before to make Luhan cry as hard as he did, and the fact that he knows his mother is involved only makes him feel worse. He thinks of his grandfather, and his face betrays a flash of sadness. 

"How was your day?" his mother asks him as she leaves the book on the couch and stands up, hurrying to follow him in the kitchen.

Kyungsoo makes himself a tea and while he warms up some water, he answers. "Full. Yours?" 

"I guess you could say the same."

The air gets full of an awkward, uneasy silence that has never been there between mother and son before. Hyeri finds herself unable to look in Kyungsoo's eyes as the events of the previous night replay in her mind unstoppably. She also finds herself torn between feeling angry at Luhan, as a mother, and angry at the rest of the world, as a friend to the man. She doesn't tell Kyungsoo a word about the fight, and she doesn't tell the boy a word about the fact that she has visited her father that morning, and after a long fight the old man has shamelessly confirmed everything about Luhan's story.

Jongin's life, Luhan's one and her own, they had all been decided by her father, for nothing more than an irrational fear, a caprice.

All Hyeri can think about now, with Luhan's words, anger and pain flashing in her eyes, is that she is not making the same mistake. Her fears are true.

"Mom?"

Kyungsoo's voice brings Hyeri back to earth, making her snap her head up to the boy immediately. Her face is dull and Kyungsoo's one is even more, the usually grumpy, yet soft features now hard as he questions his mother with his eyes. Hyeri gets the questioning tone in her son's voice and coughs slightly, voice low as Kyungsoo takes long, slow drinks from his cup and keeps on staring.

"I talked with your grandfather." 

Kyungsoo only observes, severe, as his mother tries to find the right words to say something he can quite understand already. "You talked with him that same day." he accuses, making Hyeri look at him in surprise. "You kept it from me because.. I honestly don't know why." 

Hyeri stares as Kyungsoo takes another drink and un-focuses his sight, continuing. "What I know is that he told you the same words he told me, those horrible, harsh words.. and instead of coming to me, you went to Luhan." 

There is an accusatory, betrayed tone in Kyungsoo's voice that makes Hyeri's expression fall.

"What could you even tell him, mom?" the boy asks severely, unable to stop thinking of the way Luhan has cried into his arms, and goes back to lock eyes with his mother. Hyeri gulps, confused. "If you didn't know, you wouldn't have let it pass."

"I let it pass for Baekhyun."

Hyeri realizes her own excuse as Kyungsoo's features stiffen even more, making it impossible for her to keep lying. She lowers her head.

"Kyungsoo, I-"

"No, mom." Kyungsoo interrupts with a firm shake of his head "You want to ask me something, don't you. Why don't you just ask already, then."

Hyeri look into his son's eyes lost, failing on her words. "Kyungsoo, this is confused.. I don't know what to say."

"Then let me speak." 

As Kyungsoo puts his cup down and fixes serious eyes on his mother, pleading, the woman falls silent and accepts to listen to whatever he has to say, scared inside. Kyungsoo easily understands her feelings and takes a short breath, shutting his eyes closed. 

"I love him," he finally confesses "I love Luhan."

Kyungsoo still doesn't find the courage to look at his mother's reaction, although he is sure she has come to suspect something already. He continues with his hands slightly shaking. Hyeri stares at him meanwhile, eyes wide, hopes fallen.

"I've spent most of the last year trying to get over it quickly." Kyungsoo's voice arrives as a muffled sound to her, but it still hits hard "But as time passed, both because I couldn't and because I understood my life can't depend on others, I stopped fighting my feelings."

Hyeri finds Kyungsoo's firm expression mirroring her own beat one in a moment, and she feels a shiver of anger running down her spine as the young boy tries to continue.

"You should well know that love is impossible to kill. You have Jongin-hyung's example.. and I don't want to end up like him. I don't want Luhan to leave me because the world is not ready to accept us, nor I'd let him. I love him.. and he loves me, too. This is enough."

"No, Kyungsoo, this is not enough!" Hyeri explodes, making Kyungsoo jump for how much he could expect a similar reaction "Are you even listening to what you're saying? Luhan could be your father! He was there when I gave birth, he spent the first year of your life taking care of you as an uncle, an older brother."

Kyungsoo keeps his eyes closed as the loud words reach his ears, Hyeri's anger filling the air. He feels his breath stuck in his lungs as he thinks of too many things, his mother's words, Luhan, the fact that he is fighting with his mother for the first time ever, and he feels so hopeless he thinks there won't be another one. Hyeri can only stare at him meanwhile, breathing heavily. 

Kyungsoo speaks up as he finds his words back. "He is the man of my life, and not you, my grandfather, or anybody else can change that. Not with words, or slaps."

"Slaps?"

As Hyeri frowns in confusion, Kyungsoo lets out a sad smile. "Grandpa told you everything, but not this, didn't he. You look like you could slap me anytime soon, too."

The words make Hyeri's expression fall as she realizes his father has dared touching his son but, above all, that Kyungsoo fears she could do the same. She bites her lips as tears start forming in her eyes but before she can can say anything, Kyungsoo takes another breath and does before her.

"You know Luhan. He is the most beautiful man ever, and this won't change just because he loves me, mom." he states, his tone firm, yet sweet as images of Luhan flash in his mind "Instead.. he makes me feel special, complete. I look at him and I know I'm looking at someone who could make me happy everyday of my life."

"He is your teacher, Kyungsoo." Hyeri severely replies, walking towards Kyungsoo in exasperation "How can a teacher, twice your age, make you happy?"

"He is a man, as I am."

The woman shakes her head as she reaches his side, and takes her hands to cup his cheeks almost pleadingly. "You are a baby, my baby. You deserve someone who can live your life, understand your problems, be proud and happy to have you as a mate. Not a teacher, not someone who can't even look at you in public to avoid ending up jailed!"

Kyungsoo jerks away from the woman's touch at the hard words, a hurt expression making its way on his little face. He walks away and Hyeri just follows with her eyes, shivering at the sight of how disappointed and hurt Kyungsoo's ones are as they look back.

"Are you going to denounce him, then?"

Hyeri freezes. 

Luhan's story immediately plays in her mind, making her legs go jelly, while Kyungsoo keeps his questioning eyes on her obliviously. 

"Your best friend?" he continues "A man unable to hurt even the most insignificant being on earth? Do you want to threat us?" Kyungsoo feels unable to stop his tears as his words come out before he can even think, their meaning hitting him when they have already been voiced, harshly "You are such a hypocrite."

The accuse brings Hyeri's wet eyes to look up at his son and snap out from her trance, her heart feeling heavy at the way Kyungsoo's words, passion and pain hits her exactly like Luhan's has the night before. 

"You were happy when Chanyeol and Sehun fought for their relationship and now, now that I'm fighting for my own-"

"Don't you dare compare the two things!" Hyeri yells uncontrollably, unable to stop the anger in her voice and she immediately feels guilty for the way Kyungsoo jumps again. She lowers her voice at the sight, but her furious breathing remains "They were absolutely not in this situation."

"They fought for their happiness, that's all that matters, mom!"

Kyungsoo finds his voice loud as it comes out, too. He locks eyes with his mother's, teary just as his own. 

"I'm sorry if you can't see it, but that's all." he repeats, calming his nerves. The shivering anger on his mother's body makes Kyungsoo want to cry his soul out because not a single time he has thought he would end up fighting with her like that, like the other's existence has never been vital, but there are worth-living battles in one's life and Kyungsoo knows he is fighting his own. He has long ago understood that love can't be fooled, and he doesn't want to be a fool anymore.

"I won't make the same mistake.. If Luhan ever leaves me, I'll know he hasn't because he doesn't love me. I would chase after him until my last day. With or without your support.." Kyungsoo pauses "I'll be with him."

He forces his tears back as Hyeri bursts out crying in front of him, powerless.

The woman buries her face in her palms as she cries, hopeless in front of her only son's eyes. She has listened to Kyungsoo's words and refuses to believe them, she refuses to believe Kyungsoo's happiness can be with her best friend.. the man who once was her best friend. She refuses to accept that her fears, as a mother, are nothing more than a mistake. She refuses to accept that, just like Luhan has accused her the night before, she is as much as a horrible person as her father is.

Kyungsoo observes her, unmoving, forcing every of the urges he feels to just pull her up into a tight hug. He lets his tears fall silently.

"Everything will depend on what kind of woman you will choose to be." he whispers, loud enough for Hyeri to hear "You have been telling me things, mom.. beautiful things. You have taught me how to behave.. you have taught me how to be a good boy, how to be a person who can live happily in this world. I have spent my entire life hearing you saying the world has no right to judge me, and now.. how come you are denying everything you made me believe in?" 

Hyeri cries more, shaking her head in slow movements and still feeling unable to look up and meet the eyes of the son who has always been the only adult of the family.

Kyungsoo gulps, finding the strength to start walking away without looking back.

"I can't wait for you to be ready to accept me, mom." he says "Not when I've finally managed to accept me myself. I have always been the one to drawn into thinking hard, to prevent anyone from suffering, but if you put the world before me, this time, I won't think once and just leave. I have always been a happy guy, but I was incomplete. Luhan completes me, he gives me the happiness I was unable to find in my ordinary days. You can't take this away from me.

I won't let you." 

-

Luhan is attempting to cook himself something decent for dinner, miserably failing as he has even cut himself while cutting some vegetable, when he hears the door ringing. 

He rushes to open to his guest, hoping with every pound of his body Kyungsoo has come to save him. When he sees the young boy standing outside, though, he freezes at the sight of how swollen and red Kyungsoo's eyes are. 

He hurries the boy inside and takes his hands into his own to warm them up as he notices they are cold as ice, worried, puzzled eyes questioning Kyungsoo's ones. 

Kyungsoo only lets out a small smile, adjusting his body against Luhan's welcoming one. "Today, it's my turn to cry, it seems."

Luhan misses a beat as he realizes the meaning of his words, and pulls Kyungsoo down to sit on the couch with him, where he immediately wraps his arms around the thin body. He rests his forehead on Kyungsoo's head, closing his eyes as Kyungsoo hugs him back and rests in the hug, finding his peace.

Luhan cuddles him in protective arms, and silently waits for Kyungsoo to find the words to explain everything that has happened only short moments before. Kyungsoo speaks in a low, rough voice, relaxing at the softness of Luhan's touch. 

As Luhan listens with his heart hammering in his chest in fear, the pain he feels at knowing he is all the things Hyeri accused him to be, Kyungsoo repeats every of his words and realizes he couldn't have said anything better. No matter what will happen next, he does not regret anything, and he needs Luhan to know.

He looks up at the older man with big eyes, and every thought disappears as Luhan gazes back.

That night, Kyungsoo learns the truth behind Luhan's disappearance eighteen years before. 

That night, Kyungsoo learns he could feel like a dead man and still come back living a beautiful life when Luhan is besides him.

"How did you know about the threats?" Luhan asks as he ponders over Kyungsoo's words to his mother, while the boy's hair gently. Kyungsoo shivers at the mention and shakes his head, heart still to heavy to have discovered a truth too horrible to be true, a truth Luhan has killed himself hiding for too long, alone.

"I didn't. They were a fear.. a real one eventually." Kyungsoo can't help a silent tear, letting out a loud sob as Luhan firmly hugs him tight in his arms again "I'm sorry, hyung. I'm so sorry. My family destroyed you. It was my family to destroy you." 

"No, don't cry, Kyungsoo." Luhan begs in a soft whisper against the boy's ear, forcing tears back inside at memories he desperately wants to erase "If my whole life has been nothing more than a mean to find you, eventually.. then I regret nothing."

Luhan's hands cups Kyungsoo's wet cheeks, the older man looking for the other's eyes and Kyungsoo swallows, hands flying to hold Luhan's ones.

"I love you."

Luhan smiles at the broken whisper, rubbing his nose against Kyungsoo's one. "I love you, too. I'm sorry I am so wrong for you."

Kyungsoo hushes Luhan up by posing his lips on his, needy. He lets Luhan move against him with small lips and a hot, curious tongue caressing his own sensually, slowly. Luhan's breath sticks in his lungs as Kyungsoo parts his full, soft lips for him, to let his tongue seek for its mate and dance, move against one another while holding Luhan's shirt in a firm grip to support his body, abandoned by his mind.

He pulls away to lock eyes with Luhan, blood boiling in his veins at the sight of long lashes framing heavy eyelids, barely opened on eyes bright and shining with lust. 

"You are the most beautiful and rightest thing that ever happened to me." Kyungsoo whispers on Luhan's lips, stealing another small kiss "And I'll tell you every day of our lives, if that helps making you believe me."

Luhan only smiles, peaceful, pulling Kyungsoo down for just one other kiss and realizing that hopeless spot in the back of his mind, does not exist anymore.

-

Hyeri rushes to open the door after the few knocks in the hope to find Kyungsoo behind it, back to her, to the place she fears he won't want to go back anymore.

She is so lost in her thoughts, in her hopes, she doesn't even realizes Kyungsoo would have never knocked, and just got in with his keys. 

Her heart drops at the confirmation that it's not Kyungsoo facing her now, and she deeply frowns as Jongin's dark eyes meet her own.

She welcomes the man with questioning eyes, finding some of her lucidity back again as Jongin enters and looks around, his expression different from any other Hyeri has ever seen on him.

"Is Kyungsoo inside?"

Hyeri shakes her head, trying to pretend the question alone has not been enough to make her heart ache even more. She fixes her eyes on Jongin, demanding, yet unable to say a word, and the man takes a long breath before walking close to her. The light in Jongin's eyes, the sorrowful, sad light Hyeri notices in them, makes her feel uneasy.

"What happened?" she finally asks, dazed.

Jongin answers after a long pause. "I need to tell you something, Hyeri."

"About what?"

Another pause, and Hyeri starts fearing something serious might have happened.

"Kyungsoo's best friend, Byun Baekhyun." Jongin says "He is ill."