「Sunny Day」⋮ Ambizzbo
The PROM15E dump。
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by Ambizzbo
★you got the potential
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TITLE [4/5]
I thought the story would be a warm one but it turned out to be a song name.
The title itself was never chosen to attract readers as the story is about your interpretation of Jaejoong's new song. It is more of a title set for your own fandom so there's nothing I should really pick on.
It lacks originality but the whole story does revolve around sunny day.
FOREWORD/DESCRIPTION/PRESENTATION [8/10]
The presentation is neat and the credits are in the right place.
The description was awesome when I first read it; I had the urge to read on. It did not reveal the whole plot and keeps the reader’s attention. However, when I read it for the second time, things did not make sense to me anymore (I don’t know why I reread it again).
I don’t get how the things people see and their thoughts are linked together. Also, I am sure that the others don’t want to get hurt either; it is unavoidable. Jaejoong had just created a new world to protect himself.
So I have spotted the mistakes:
Original: His thoughts and their's contrasts each other.
Correction: His thoughts and theirs contrast each other.
There is no such word as ‘their’s’ and ‘their’ is plural, thus the ‘s’ is not required.
Original: He has created a new world, specially for him and him only.
Suggestion: He has specially created a new world for him and him only.
This is just a suggestion as the sentence structure sounds awkward to me.
Afterthoughts of the description after reading the story:
I still don't understand why their thoughts contrast. In what sense do their thoughts clash each other? Also, it is not correct to say that what he sees and what they see are different. Jaejoong isn't really seeing; he is just reminiscing. The others are not force to see what's placed in front of them. It is just how life works.
As for the foreword, I think that it is a rather unique one as I have yet to encounter other forewords like yours. It is impactful and serves as the hidden hook to make the reader want to read on.
The thing that I find weird is the part that you mentioned him and them. This one shot is about YunJae or includes the whole of DBSK too?
In his head it's always sunny.
I can’t help but find this rather awkward to read too. Maybe try changing ‘In his head’ to ‘To him’ with a comma.
There are some spelling errors in the foreword and also quite a few sentences which are fragments which I will further elaborate under writing mechanics.
coudn’t > couldn’t belive > believe
PLOT [15/20]
The story is not exactly original; about half of the romance stories found on this site include storyline whereas the characters lost their love ones and refuse to move on. Though, the fact that everything was Jaejoong’s imagination(not really) does make a difference.
The story is believable, so were the emotions displayed, although there are still some parts that didn’t really add up together.
There was this part in the story when Yunho smile and the ice in Jaejoong’s heart melted. I don’t understand why there was ice in Jaejoong’s heart in the first place. Normally, only ‘cold’ people who refuse to let anyone enter their heart have ice around their heart. Isn’t it?
Another thing I didn’t get is where did the two members of JYJ go? Junsu appeared in the foreword but for the rest of the story, Jaejoong is just alone. Shouldn’t the members be more concern for their heartbroken member and at least check on him?
FLOW [4/5]
The flow was rather smooth and fast paced. However, you could have further elaborated on what those memories Jaejoong was seeing were about.
Try showing a more prominent linkage between the two protagonists.
WRITING MECHANICS [16/20]
Your grammar is good though the two main problems are the inconsistency of tenses and fragment sentences.
For most parts of the story, you had used past tense, although there were a few present tense used here and there.
Example:
It’s autumn… Time really doesn’t wait for people. I was leaning against the wooden panel, looking out of my window.
Fragments are sentences that should not and cannot stand on themselves without any subject and verb. You can check this website to read more. (the part on run-on sentences can be ignored)
Example:
As the weather got colder, I yearned for warmth. His warmth.
Correction:
As the weather got colder, I yearned for warmth, his warmth.
The fragment sentences could easily be gotten rid by simply replacing the full stops with commas or semicolons or simply rephrase the sentence depending on which is more suitable.
If you use Microsoft word, they would highlight these errors for you so that you can fix them.
Fragments are often used to vary sentence structures and also if you want to have sort of a pause to show more emphasis. It's okay to use them but not too much.
CHARCTERISATION [18/20]
Jaejoong was characterised as a fragile man although he tried to be strong by keeping the memories of Yunho and him alive. He’s weak in a sense that he’s just unable to move on from the past and created a world where there is sunny day in which he blocks out reality and ‘brings’ those memories alive.
It is as though that he has some psychological problem. His will is not strong and always can’t find the courage to let go of the past and move on.
He’s not original but is also not a stereotype. He is definitely realistic enough and is not just a two dimensional character.
WRITING STYLE [14/15]
There was a fairly wide range of vocabulary, metaphors and personifications used which gave reader a better impression of the whole story.
You have managed to capture the emotions of Jaejoong well and none of the details included in the story is unnecessary. But like what I have commented for the flow of your story, the relationship of Yunho and Jaejoong could really be further elaborated.
OVERALL ENJOYMENT [4/5]
It was enjoyable as the feelings brought out feels real and the ending is nicely done but of course, there is many ways this story can end.
As the story end, the whole cycle of Jaejoong’s life starts repeating itself again. That’s why the ending is not satisfactory.
—poster[+1]
TOTAL SCORE [84/100]
GRADE: B
REVIEWER'S COMMENT:
I hope this review is helpful although it is short compared to the others. This is my first one shot review and it was not as easy as I thought it would be. I’m sorry…
If there is anything you don’t understand, feel free to clarify with me.
-onlysj
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