「Dark Ties」⋮ Nictaeny9
The PROM15E dump。
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by Nictaeny9
★can be better
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TITLE [3/5]
The title is quite enticing but not enough. It does not stand out and I wouldn't say that it is a unique title. I do like the fact that the title has a mysterious aura. The first thing that crossed my mind when I see the word 'dark' was forbidden.
You already have ten chapters; try to establish the distinct link of the story and title. What ties do you mean? I don't really understand why you consider the relationship between TaeNy as ties. What's dark about it? I kind of get this part, but it's not really appropriate.
FOREWORD/DESCRIPTION/PRESENTATION [7/10]
The size of your font is just right and the layout is neat - no mixing of different colours. However, do space out your paragraphs more. Don't make one paragraph too long as everything looks clustered. Maybe make a new paragraph after a new dialogue.
The description is quite intriguing, but some mistakes made it... weird. If I were you, I would take away those questions in the description since they are rhetorical and I don't see their purpose.
Original: Two very different girls yet both are similar in more ways than one. Most people think that monsters aren't human, they don't have a heart, they're grotesque. They couldn't be more wrong. Monsters are human, evil and vile. Both girls lived with monsters for more than half their lives. Both suffering, both lamenting, both oblivious to the other's pain. Most would choose to give up, run away but these two fought. What happens when fate decides to step in? Pushing them into each other's lives... How will it all end?
Correction: Two different girls, yet both similar in many ways. Most people think that monsters aren't like humans anymore. They don't have a heart; they're grotesque. They couldn't be more wrong. Monsters are humans, just more evil and vile. Both girls lived with monsters for more than half of their lives. Both suffering, both lamenting, both oblivious of the other's pain. Most would choose to give up or run away, but these two fought. What happens when fate decides to step in, pushing them into each other's lives? How will it all ends?
blue: I think that it is a little over to add in the word 'very'; it is simple to just italicize the word 'different'. The phrase 'more ways than one' literally means that the two girls are more alike than one person him/herself.
lavender: First thing first, monsters really aren't humans, unless you mean that you are describing the someone as a monster. I don't know how to change the sentence correctly because the sentence is confusing.
pink: What do they have to give up on? What did they fight for? Be clear.
orange: What is 'it'?
Next, I don't think you should use character's profile. You should develop your characters slowly as your story progresses.
Additionally, when people use character's profile, they put it under the foreword. (this part is just for you to know)
Tiffany Hwang
Original: Tiffany, a girl with a big heart, lovely smile and a tragic past. She lives behind a mask everyday, hiding away her pain and sufferings. A master of acts, she never once let the gloomy her be seen by anybody. That was when 'She' walked into her life. 'She' was always there but never really here. 'She' brought out Tiffany's deepest secrets and fears. Will Tiffany stay away? Or will she fall into her arms?
Correction: Tiffany is a girl with a big heart, lovely smile and a tragic past. She lives behind a mask everyday to hide her pains and sufferings. A master of acts, she never once let the gloomy her be seen by anybody. That is before she walked into her life. She is always there but never really here. She brought out Tiffany's deepest secrets and fears. Will Tiffany stay away? Or will she fall into her arms?
Note: ‘away’ is out of place in the sentence and your whole story should be written in present tense. There is no need to bold and italicize this description. The word ‘she’ is not the name you decided to nickname Taeyeon as, thus quotation marks should not be there. I underlined that one sentence because you don’t make sense. She’s there but not really here?
Kim Taeyeon
Original: Taeyeon, a girl who you might say, has everything. Yes, everything but family. Mysterious girl with an attitude to match, she's not to be trifled with. She doesn't care about anything, not even herself. But the cold girl starts caring for someone she leasts expects, what will be the consequences?
Correction: Taeyeon is a girl who you might say has everything. Yes, everything but family. She is a mysterious girl with an attitude to match; she's not to be trifled with. She doesn't care about anything, not even herself. But when the cold girl starts caring for someone she least expect, what will be the consequences?
Note: Putting a pause in between the first sentence is not needed. And please be aware that you should be narrating; not talking normally to your readers.
Do take note that you should put your author's note under foreword.
PLOT [12/20]
For your story, you don't score for originality. Lots of love story involves the characters having bad past, pretending to be happy, etcetera. Try to add in something different to your story, give it a twist -a believable one- and make your story special.
It seems that TaeNy started to open up to each other a little too soon. You were emphasising that Taeyeon is cold, so show it. She should have more resistance when she and Tiffany became closer, trying to fight back. Show that she can't trust someone easily.
Additionally, it is weird that none of them talked about it when Taeyeon practically molested Tiffany. Shouldn't you scream or something when someone touch you the wrong way, even if the person is your crush or whatever?
I don't really understand why her friends call her Tiffany and not her real name, Stephanie. This story is realistic but plain, try to strike a balance between believability and originality.
By the way, I didn’t really understand Siwon’s appearance in chapter eleven. Was it necessary for him to be there?
The way Taeyeon reacted to the rustling of footsteps was a little over in chapter eleven too. What is she so afraid of? I didn't really see the purpose of the whole chapter.
FLOW [2/5]
Personally, I felt that throughout the whole story, you were trying to rush the part when TaeNy get closer. They became so close too quickly.
The changes made by the characters were a little too abrupt.
Also, I think you focused too much on trying to explain their past to the readers. Those parts dragged the story and the whole content became boring.
Learn to speed up and slow down your writing at the right part of the story. Focus more on the more important part involving both the protagonists.
WRITING MECHANICS [12/20]
The main problem with your story is the inconsistency of your sentences. The whole story should be in present tense, but you tend to change it to past tense, making some parts hard to read.
Example: Taeyeon fascinated me, her character, her actions, her life. [chapter one]
Correction: Taeyeon fascinates me, her character, her actions, and her life.
Note: You are still fascinated by her, thus it should be present tense.
On the other hand, there is also a serious problem with your punctuation.
Example: "You're worthless, every part of you!". [chapter one]
Correction: "You're worthless, every part of you!"
Note: There should not have a full stop at the back.
Example: The exact same sentence was repeated countless of times, the continuous ringing never stopped. [chapter one]
Correction: The exact same sentence was repeated countless of times; the continuous ringing never stopped.
Note: The comma should either be a full stop or semi colon. Also, what ringing?
In addition, you have to take note of your word choice.
Example: Every time this happens, I feel a pull to death, thinking maybe the afterlife won't be that bad. The pull grew stronger over the months, from scratches to actual red cuts, some slightly bleeding. [chapter one]
Correction: Every time this happens, I feel an urge to die, thinking maybe the afterlife won't be that bad. The urge became stronger over the months, from scratches to actual red cuts, some slightly bleeding.
Note: You can feel the pull of gravity but death, I don’t think so.
Your spellings are fine, just that you often misspell one particular word.
lier > liar
Just for you to know, when you talk coldly, your voice should be hard, not soft.
CHARCTERISATION [10/20]
Taeyeon and Tiffany – While reading the story, I barely saw the differences of these two characters. They are both beautiful to each other, and they both have husky voices. The only difference between them is that Tiffany shows a slightly weaker and cheerful side whereas Taeyeon is quite manipulative to her father. Maybe she is a little too manipulative for a cold girl that doesn’t really care about anything.
Don't let Taeyeon go out of her character - she blushed easily just because Tiffany found out that she knows her address.
Another thing is that it is rather awkward to say that Tiffany has abs.
Shindong - Since he is actually more important than Taeyeon's father, I think that it would be quite good if you had written Taeyeon's past or her changes over time through his perspective as a 'loving father'.
All in all, I wouldn't' say that the characters are well developed. They felt flat to me; I don't really understand them. (I actually say this a lot) Taeyeon feels very... messed up - her actions and thoughts. Remember, the character must be in their role.
WRITING STYLE [8/15]
You tend to over reuse the same words over and over again to describe both Taeyeon and Tiffany which resulted in too many similarities between them.
Also, I don't really get why you used Tiffany's point of view when that particular point of view sounded so weak.
From Tiffany's perspective, it should be her inner thoughts, which is Stephanie.
Your diction is simple and limited, try to vary your usage of words. Put in more feelings rather than just stating them too.
OVERALL ENJOYMENT [2/5]
I can't really say that I enjoyed the process of reading your story as I found myself focusing on the tenses used and repetition of words most of the time. These prominent errors that is very clear to readers, do try to eliminate them.
—poster [+1]
The poster is dark enough and I like the elegance included in the poster. However, I find the 'quote' sort of an eyesore.
"Ties are meant to be, Unbreakable."
I don't know if it's your designer's mistake or yours, there shouldn't be a comma and capitalised 'u'. If you really want the pause in the sentence, make use of eclipses. Also, the 'quote' is not really a quote, thus quotation marks aren't needed.
Your background is cool.
TOTAL SCORE [57/100]
GRADE: D
REVIEWER'S COMMENT:
You can be a good writer; just minimise the amount of mistakes made and make each character special in their own way. I hope that this review can help you and I apologise for the long wait.
This review is evidently shorter than the previous one due to the fact that I have decided to just focus on parts you should improve and not change everything.
If you are unclear about anything or the mark distribution, feel free to clarify with me.
Good luck with your fanfiction!
-onlysj
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