「Agate's Betrayal」⋮ flamzfox
The PROM15E dump。
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by flamzfox
★awesome
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TITLE [5/5]
The title is not totally original but the word 'agate' makes it stand out. It would definitely attract readers because of the mysterious aura it gives off and also those who appreciate historical kind of story, which is rare to find here. I would definitely click on this title.
Marking the title had never been so easy like yours since most stories are reviewed when they are yet to be completed. The title is a very significant one. I like how you had tied up the knot at the last chapter, mentioning the song 'Agate's Betrayal'.
FOREWORD/DESCRIPTION/PRESENTATION [10/10]
The layout is neat and clear cut. I like the simplicity and its elegance, though the heart between the chapters looks really... funny.
Your description is very interesting. It totally piqued my interest after reading.
The 'excerpt' you put in the foreword is well-chosen and does not give away the whole plot line. It is the perfect hook and I'm sure anyone would stay to read, wanting to find out whether or not Baekhyun would kill Chanyeol. You have done well in creating a good first impression.
Below are some changes to be made.
Original: Screams came from the soldiers of both sides as blades ran through their bodies, blood dripped to the ground with soft platters, feeding an overflowing river of crimson, the dead fell to the earth with deafening thuds.
Correction: Screams came from the soldiers of both sides as blades ran through their bodies, blood dripped to the ground with soft platters, feeding an overflowing river of crimson; the dead fell to the earth with deafening thuds.
Original: But at the midst of it all, Baekhyun could only hear the rhythmic beat of Chanyeol's heart.
Suggestion: But in the midst of it all, Baekhyun could only hear the rhythmic beating of Chanyeol's heart.
Note: This is just a suggestion because in my own opinion, ‘beating’ sounds more right.
Original: "I love you, Baekhyun. Please come away with me."
Note: 'come' is positive whereas 'away' is negative. When positive and negative are put together, it simply make no difference. (sorry if you don't get this)
To come with Chanyeol means to go with him, and away means to leave him. So everything doesn't really make sense.
Original: Desperately Baekhyun wanted to say yes, desperately he wanted to leave this bloody playing field and leave with no one but Chanyeol [...]
Correction: Baekhyun wanted to say yes desperately, he wanted to leave this bloody playing field and stay with no one but Chanyeol desperately [...]
Note: I'm sorry but this sentence just looks too awkward to me. You can also just replace the comma with a semicolon.
PLOT [20/20]
The plot is really unique, well, at least to me. I give you full marks for originality because it is pretty rare to find some historically-related fanfictions, especially when yours included the war. I like how you really focused on making sure that your story took place in the past.
On the other hand, I find that the plot is a very meaningful one. You totally brought out the definition of bravery. Hope seems to be another important aspect of this story too. Your story felt as though it is a literature book that includes romance.
The story is emotional and the love between Baekhyun and Chanyeol is really one to treasure. I wouldn't really count the ending as a happy one since they still did not end up together but there could not have been a better ending. I'm glad you didn't make them escape then become the 'wanted' people or something like that. I thought one of them would die but they did not. I think the ending is perfect, well done! It wasn't a predictable one. The whole story wasn't. That is why the story was able to captivate the reader's attention. Never at one time did I find the story boring.
Since this is written from the historical time, it is realistic enough. The emotions displaced were very true too.
FLOW [4/5]
The story was organised and there was no abrupt changes throughout the story. There was also not too much of random switching off point of views. Though, I think that it would be rather interesting to write from Tao's point of view.
Try to make your sentences less awkward and everything would be very smooth.
This is just a suggestion: maybe you should not have focus too much on the Baekhyun-Yixing part, such as the part about cutting off Yixing's fingers.
Guzheng seems to be an important part of the story too.
WRITING MECHANICS [16/20]
The main problem you have is that your sentences sound awkward, other than that, everything is fine.
[chapter one]
Original: Without your bravery by my side, what would I do?
Correction: Without you by my side, what would I do?
Note: This is really weird; you need the person that has that bravery, not the bravery of that person only.
Original: Disgusting, filthy blood. Now he would have to clean his sword again.
Note: The sentence is a fragment. You should not use ‘now’ since this story was written in past tense.
Suggestion: He had to clean his sword again because of the disgusting, filthy blood.
Original: Baekhyun was just a fake.
Correction: Baekhyun was just faking.
Note: Baekhyun is real.
Original: Tomorrow, at the rise of dawn, Baekhyun had lied to himself, he would be able to kill the man. But deep down within his heart he knew that that was only a lie. [chapter five]
Note: This was misleading.
A reminder for you: be clear.
[chapter one]
Original: Even if the specific person he wanted to protect was no longer around, he would keep his valor and strength so that if the person in his heart ever returned, he would be able to become his shield and armor.
Correction: Even if the specific person he wanted to protect was no longer around, he would keep his valor and strength so that if the person in his heart ever returned, he would be able to become the person’s shield and armor.
Note: As you had used substitutions here, it is not specific. Show that ‘he’ refers to Chanyeol and ‘his’ refers to that person. One more point is to be consistent.
Original: He remembered the time when he almost fell off the cliff, Baekhyun remembered how Chanyeol had refused to let go of his hand, refused to let Baekhyun fall, even as holding on risked the chance of Chanyeol falling as well.
Note: When you already used substitution for Baekhyun, there is no need to use his name again. Also, the preposition ‘as’ is used wrongly. It should be ‘if’ instead.
In addition, do take note of your choice of words and preposition.
[chapter two]
Original: The moon and stars, they are our witnesses in this night.
Correction: The moon and stars, they are our witnesses for this night.
Original: The emptiness that occupied Chanyeol’s entirety after Baekhyun’s vanishing still haunted him to this day.
Correction: The emptiness that occupied Chanyeol’s entirety after Baekhyun’s disappearance still haunted him to this day.
Original: Soft notes flowed into the foggy night, cutting through the dark. [chapter three]
Correction: Soft notes flowed in the foggy night, cutting through the dark.
‘Heaven’ can be spelled without the ‘s’.
CHARCTERISATION [20/20]
In my opinion, the main and lead characters were well developed except Yixing. Each character is different from one another and the depth of emotions shown by them was very believable. Chanyeol and Baekhyun had been very strong. There was no stereotypical character in the story.
Chanyeol - I think that he is very caring and devoted. However, I was kind of disappointed when he killed his own 'brothers'. I felt betrayed too. He was such a fool in love. I really admire his character in the story. It is nice to know that he cares a lot for Tao and their brotherhood is really strong.
Baekhyun - I didn't really like him at the start because he was really heartless. Towards the end, it was nice to see that he had 'soften'. His cruelty is still quite scary though. Especially that time when he strangled one of the soldier.
Tao - He is charming in a sense that he is really wise. The fact that he 'can't speak' made him stand out from the crowd. Despite him being a more behind the scene kind of character, I can see that he cares a lot for Chanyeol too. He is a one-of-a-kind character and that's why he is actually my favourite character in the story. He's sudden appearance to knock out Chanyeol was unexpected and it is great that he didn't die.
Yixing - So he felt quite left out and I don't why, but I keep having this feeling that he likes Baekhyun. He is the only one that dared to question Baekhyun so much and stayed back with Baekhyun after the war.
WRITING STYLE [15/15]
I think that you have use a fairly wide variety of vocabulary.
The reader is able to clearly understand what is going on in the head of the two protagonists as you had written from both of their point of views.
The way Chanyeol talked to King Suho was formal and just like how people of the past speak.
To sum up, I think that your writing style is quite sophisticated.
OVERALL ENJOYMENT [5/5]
I'm impressed. This is my first time reading a fanfiction of historical time and I think that it is really well-written.
I totally enjoy the whole process. There was this particular sentence that I found quite poetic and I like it!
“The blue was open and raw, in the sense that freedom was.” [chapter one]
—poster
Not applicable.
TOTAL SCORE [95/100]
GRADE: A
REVIEWER'S COMMENT:
The awkward mistakes can easily be omitted by many so there shouldn't be too much of problem. But still, do work on your sentence phrasing.
You are a good writer, so keep up the good job! Good luck for your contest and I’m sorry if I finished this review late…
If you are not sure of anything or the marks allocation, just ask me! Thanks for requesting. Your writing style used here is definitely different from Mixing With Darkness!
P.S. I hope this review is better than the last one… The last one was really bad.
-onlysj
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