(20 years old)

 Junghwan tossed his emptied mug between his hands. He sat alone in his dorm room, staring at his phone and thinking if he should pick it up or not.

Sunwoo sat alone in another dorm on another campus, also staring at his phone and wondering if it would ring or not.

After their first year in university, as roommates, they had decided to live separately the coming year. It was a mutual agreement, made without hard words or cold feelings. They just needed more space and privacy, they had each assured the other. It had nothing to do with them personally, it was just that the apartment was too small for two people to live in. It was only natural that they felt the need for their own place. They lied to themselves more than each other.

They were supposed to keep in touch, see each other if not daily then weekly, and if not weekly then at least often. And often became occasionally, occasionally, became rarely, and rarely became barely ever. For the first time they could remember, their lives continued on in different directions, without the other.

Junghwan lifted his phone up, unlocked the screen, threw it back down.

They had run in to each other one week before. Bright smiles, “it’s been too long”, and then they’d walked into the nearest coffee shop to have a chat. Because that’s what you do when you run in to the person you still call your best friend, even I you haven’t seen each other for so long you don’t even know where to start catching up.

After some obligatory cold talk, Sunwoo asked the question that had been chewing at the back of his head for the whole talk.

‘So, are you going home for Christmas, or should we do something?’ He tried to sound nonchalant.

‘Oh. Oh, I’m not going home but… I actually have other plans, with a friend.’ Though, now he had wished he didn’t. ‘So… how about you.’

‘I’m… ehm, I think I’ll just go to this Christmas party,’ Sunwoo improvised, covering his disappointment.

‘Aha. Well, I guess, if my plans gets changed for some reason… I can call you?’

‘Oh, yes, absolutely, yes do that.’

Sunwoo had actually found a party. Not for going to, just to be able to name a location, if Junghwan would call, and if he would ask where Sunwoo dad planned to go. But instead he sat here, waiting for the phone to maybe ring. He once again checked that the sound on his phone was on, the airplane mode off and that he had coverage. He didn’t even really hope Junghwan would call, the chance was so small he didn’t dare too. Still, he wanted to check. Just in case.

‘I got an early Christmas gift! Guess what it is!’

‘I have no idea Chanshik, just say it,’ Junghwan had answered, amused by how excited Chanshik had sounded.

‘Plane tickets! I’m going to New York!’ But so he had gotten serious. ‘I know we said we’re celebrating Christmas together, but I’m going day after tomorrow. I’m sorry.’ Junghwan had laughed – partly in relief, happiness, but Chanshik wouldn’t know that.

‘Don’t worry about it, I have a backup plan. Just have lots of fun, ok?’

Everything would’ve worked out just fine, if Junghwan had just had the courage to make the call. This was ridiculous. It was just a phone call, it shouldn’t be this hard. He had called Sunwoo’s number uncountable times before, he could do it in his sleep (literally, he actually had once). He groaned quietly and banged his head against the wall behind him. it shouldn’t be this hard.

Funny how often out own fear of getting hurt is what hurts us the most. Love oddly enough can be what brings us apart, no matter how mutual it is, just because we can't get past our own fear of it not being returned.