9/1/ 3022

I am so afraid, Yongguk, so terribly, uncontrollably, petrified that I am becoming a person unworthy of your love. You who are kind and strong and so unwaveringly brave. You, who has always believed in me and that I might posses these qualities (every day it becomes more obvious that I don’t, Guk-ah, though I really ing wish I did). Yongguk, I fear that I have become a person that no longer deserves the unyielding love with which you have always showered me.

I am a coward and a weak man.

Jongup’s girl called me today from the hospital. Pup broke his arm. Usually, it’s not something that would be a big deal, right? You know I’ve gotten worse skateboarding. But there was something in her voice, she was sobbing a little too desperately for it to be just that, you know? When I got there, she wasn’t even in the room and Guppie wouldn’t look at me. I was so confused, hyung. So confused and so damn scared. We just sat there like that, Jongup with his arm in that stupid cast. I don’t know how long it was, it felt like ing hours. And when he spoke all he said was,

I did it on purpose

I got the draft, so I did it on purpose. They can’t take me away now.

I should’ve been horrified, disgusted, shocked, disappointed. I know you would’ve been angry, Gukkie. You would have yelled your head off at Jongup for  not only being stupid (because, nothing new there with Guppie) but for hurting and worrying the woman he loves. You would have been angry, but at the same time sad and understanding because Jongup was scared and desperate and didn’t want to leave his girlfriend and because you’re the hyung and it’s just in your nature to be sympathetic. That would’ve been the right reaction, huh, baby? But none of that is what I thought.

What a good idea.

            Should I do that too?

I gave her a ride home after visiting hours. She and Jongup moved in together last week. We didn’t talk in the car. We didn’t look at each other. But I heard her crying quietly the whole way. And the worst part? That entire time that I was listening to her grieving that the person she loves had purposely hurts himself, that the man she cares for is lying alone in a cold and empty hospital room because he had done something so awful to himself

I was jealous.

That entire time.

So, so, jealous.

And I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe part of the reason she was crying is the same reason I’m crying now, bent over this letter that you won’t even read. I was wondering, am wondering, if maybe she wasn’t crying because she was scared, horrified, by her own relief. Because, even if he did hurt himself, and even if she is scared and worried and upset, at least she gets to keep him by her side. Which is a lot more than I can say. Even when I thought of you, of how much these thoughts would hurt you, anger you. Disappoint you. I still cannot say that my thoughts have changed.

Sometimes, when I can’t sleep at night (all the ing time, babe, the bed is too damn cold without you) I start imagining you coming home. Sometimes you’re sick or hurt. But most of the time everything’s perfect. You come in and hold me and tell me you love me and we lie in our bed together. Just holding each other and synchronizing our breathing and memorizing every single detail on each other’s faces. But lately, the daydream has changed. Lately, when you look into my eyes, you’re not smiling or my face. You’re not lying by my side and holding me and whispering the three words I have missed so desperately. In these new fantasies, you look down at me from the doorway, duffel bag in hand. Your eyes are cold and I’m kneeling before you, begging. Because I’ve changed. My heart has shrunken and my spirit has grown weak. In my new dream (nightmare) you come home, tired and drained from fighting for your country, looking for the strong and beautiful lover that you left behind but finding only me. A small, cowardly, pathetic little shadow.

You don’t like what you find. And so you leave me.

In my nightmare

I die alone and without you.

I’m sorry, Yongguk, that I have become so disgusting. I’m sorry that the person you love is only this much, can only go this far. I’m breaking, baby. For all those times that you said you needed me, couldn’t live without me, that I am your reason for existing. What is it that you called me? Your “Everything”. Your ing everything. I’m so sorry that that’s barely anything at all.

            -The one who will die without you

                        Your Junhong