Title: Comfortable

Rating: PG-13

Note: Jessica-centric for a subject I’m close to. Completely fictional. Inspired by my Skype mom’s own genderbender fic.

Warning: Genderbender, but not for the reason you think.

Summary: When am I supposed to be comfortable?

My name is Jessica Jung Sooyeon. I have a little sister and her name is Soojung, but her English name is Krystal. I’m ten and she’s five, but we both like sports. We love playing football together-- no, not the kind in America, but the one known everywhere else in the world where the ball is actually played with the feet.

“I’m going to be a famous football star!” I announce during dinner. Soojung cheers me on, but looking at mom and dad they don’t look as happy. It’ll just take hard work and I’ll be famous like David Beckham, but really I want to be like Ronaldo of Brazil. That’s all it takes, a lot of hard work.

After dinner, mom and dad kept me at the table telling me that I won’t be a famous football player. They tell me that I’m going to be doing something else with my time. They keep talking, but I’m not listening anymore. I want to play football and achieve my dream. I hear one of them tell me that I’m too young to know what I want, but is that really true?

***

I’m twelve now, but I rather you call me Soohyun or Jesse. It’s a personal decision. I feel different, you know? I feel really different when I’m with the other trainees at the company.

Oh, remember that thing my parents told me about? With doing something else with my time? Yeah, I’m part of S. M. Entertainment as a trainee now.

It’s strange having to focus on this so much now instead of football. It’s annoying that the trainers are trying to get me to stop playing, but why would I? My dream is to be a football player, not some performer!

When I get home, Soojung and I wrestle around for fun like we always do. She’s about to get stronger than me, but that shouldn’t happen. I’m her older si-- wait...

***

I want to be called Soohyun, but everyone at school gives me a weird look so I stick with Jesse. Everyone bugs me about being so boyish, but what do they know? I hear people calling me a ‘lesbian’ or a ‘dyke’ and it isn’t true. At least, it isn’t what I think is true after searching those up online..

I’m fourteen and I’m still trying to figure out who I am.

Is that so wrong?

I just want to be me.

***

I had to quit football earlier this year because people were worrying about me injuring my face. Why do they care? Oh yeah, because I’m still part of this entertainment company training to be a famous entertainer like Kwon BoA. Personally, I’d rather be one of the members of Dong Bang Shin Ki, but there is no way they’d let a sixteen year old girl be part of a boyband. Co-Ed groups are rare to begin with.

I’m sixteen and I’m sick of all of this training. I like to sing, maybe dance, but as a hobby and not some life-long career.

I want to get back on that football field and run on the grass until my feet and legs hurt. I don’t want to be tired because of dance training.

I want to feel the grass under my fingertips when I lay on the field during football practice. The damn hardwood I feel instead is just pissing me off.

It’s so annoying being cooped up in a room until we’re all sweaty and gross. I’d rather be outside where there is fresh air.

***

It hits me one night.

About me being different.

I looked things up online earlier out of curiosity and I still don’t believe I’m biual or a lesbian. I look up for more terms and to be honest it was overwhelming. I tried to wrap my head around it, but it’s kind of crazy. I knew about people being gay, biual and lesbian, but queer, questioning, two-spirited, panual, transgender-- the terms kept going and all I really knew was that I was different.

Well, I knew I was already different to begin with because who in the world is completely identical. Don’t give me that crap about identical twins being really identical because everyone knows that they’re different at some point. Hell, if we were all the same we’d be robots.

I remember earlier in the day when this new girl, Stephanie, saw me and barreled right into me. She called me, “American girl!” and for some reason it bothered me. I know she meant well with finding someone similar with her, but I couldn’t help shoving her away and ignoring her.

Now, after taking a shower and looking at my reflection it finally hits me.

What am I doing in this body?

I feel so… under my own eyes.

I don’t see Jesse Jung Soohyun, but… Jessica Jung Sooyeon. I can feel hot tears welling up in my eyes as I look at myself.

Every plane and curve I see is mocking me. I never looked at myself before and it hurts. I didn’t think I was going to look like this-- like a girl! I always thought that maybe I would change when puberty hit, but who was I kidding when I thought I would magically change into someone physically different?

Damn puberty! Those s… those shouldn’t be like that! I’m supposed to be strong and hard not… soft.

This isn’t me.

***

I’m seventeen and the company tells us that eight other trainees and I will be moving in together before debut. Seven long years and I’m finally debuting. I can’t tell if I should be happy or sad. Moving in with other girls will be fun, but there goes my dream of being a football star.

I sit around in the practice room while everyone else is leaving, but Stephanie stays with me. To be honest, she’s a pretty girl now and it would be a lie to say I didn’t like her.

She tells me she’s excited about finally being able to debut, but she’s also worried about other things. How big our group is, having to live with one another from now on and finding a boyfriend when the time comes.

Boyfriend.

I wonder if she likes me.

She calls me her best friend, but does that mean I’m only that.

Maybe she likes girls, too, if living in America until sixteen said much.

Except, I don’t want her to like me as a girl because I’m not.

I’m not a lesbian and I’m not a girl.

***

I’m eighteen now and we’ve debuted for a while. It’s nice to be welcomed by the music industry here in South Korea. I think we’ll be that group that will stand out for a long time. Our number helps with that.

Anyway, I decided to talk to Stephanie-- yeah, I still call her Stephanie-- about my… dilemma. I don’t want to call it a problem because it really isn’t. It’s just… with my line of work now and what we do, I can’t just walk away without being hounded by nosy reporters and online fans. I can’t just walk away and be who I am. There is too much at stake now.

When I told Stephanie, she was a little freaked out about it. I mean, who wouldn’t be freaked out if the person you thought was female felt really to be male? It was a bit awkward for a few days, but she asked me if I was sure, that I wasn’t just biual or lesbian. To say I snapped would be an understatement. This is me and I don’t need people who aren’t me trying to tell me otherwise.

I know she meant well, but it gets hard sometimes. I’m not a girl, I’m not a woman, I’m not biual or a lesbian. I may be transgender, but there is one thing I know: I don’t identify as a woman!

But… I can only be seen as one the longer I stay in this group.

***

When my parents found out, they weren’t thrilled about it. When I was visiting home, they had caught me in my boy clothes (they thought they got rid of all of it) and staring at my reflection.

The following conversation wasn’t any better. When I told them that I wasn’t identifying as a woman, there were curse words thrown every which way and a few vases hitting some walls. They told me how they would’ve been fine having a lesbian daughter, but having a daughter who thought she was a boy devastated them.

I told them that I didn’t think I was a boy, but I knew I was a boy.

I always thought that it would be my dad who would hit me and not my mom. She slapped me across the face and told me that I wasn’t normal. She went on about how life would be harder if I kept living the life I led because she knew of transgender people who were abused and killed back in America.

The only thing I could say was that, “This isn’t my choice! If I was born a boy then we wouldn’t be having this discussion! I didn’t choose to be a boy magically out of thin air! Do you think I’d want to be harassed and abused if people found out! I am not biual! I am not a lesbian! I am not a woman! I don’t want to be a woman! I’m a man and no matter what anyone else says, I never was and never will be a woman!”

I’m nineteen and my decisions are mine to deal with.

That’s what I’m doing now; dealing with my decisions while sitting in Stephanie’s bed crying. All she can really do is hold me as I wallow in the pain of being rejected by my own parents after coming out to them..

The next morning, the other girls ask me what happened and without hesitation I tell them the truth. Some seem able to understand, others are confused and there are a couple who don’t want to believe. It’ll take some time for all of us to be comfortable with this, but I want to know that these girls really are my family.

***

I’m 22 and things haven’t been easy. My parents and I have patched things up over the years and even if they still couldn’t wrap their heads about having a transgender child, at least they were supportive. Soojung has been great, which is really strange. I expected her to flip out like mom and dad, but one time she told me that I was more of a brother to her than a sister. She also randomly added that she was dating a girl which led to an earful from me, but that’s another story.

The other girls seem to have come to terms with this. They’re used to calling me Jesse now because Soohyun could cause a catastrophe if it slipped on television or radio. They’re a lot more supportive than I hoped for and I’m happy about it.

***

I’ve done my share of online research and it has passed my mind about transitioning into a man. I don’t think-- no, I know I’m not ready. I haven’t had enough time to think about actually being the person I really wa-- need to see. It would be nice to be acknowledged as him and not her. I don’t think I’ll talk to mom and dad about this just yet.

There is too much to think about. The regiment for taking testosterone shots, hitting what may feel like puberty all over again, the difference in appearance over time, the reassignment surgery-- the surgery.

Honestly, I’m scared because even if the world seems to be more accepting about non-heteroual people… I can’t stay in Korea if surgery happens. Then again, wherever I go I’ll have to face the problem of passing until I look like a man. What happens when I want to be in a relationship and whoever I be with is expecting a man when we become intimate?

This is getting crazy. I know who I am, but all of these troubles just to be who I am… I’m not really sure if it’s worth it.

***

I’m 23 years old and I still feel like I’m living a lie. All of these revealing outfits are so… weird to me. I can only reveal so much because of certain assets and I know management is trying to exploit those assets to some degree. I don’t want to be seen and remembered as this person, but the longer I stay in this industry and group the harder it’ll be to be known otherwise.

I hate having to think that everyone in the world knows me as Jessica Jung Sooyeon. I hate looking at myself in the mirror and seeing her and not me. I just want to be happy! Why won’t anyone let me be happy?

When will I finally be comfortable in my own skin?