Taobby-The Secret

Story Title: (3/5)

The title is really attention-grabbing and seems a bit cliché. So, I suggest that maybe you should try a different story title if you can think of one. Or you could ask people if they have any ideas. Sometimes I do that.

Description/Foreword: (7/10)

I think you revealed too much about what was going to happen in the story.

Story Plot: (5/5)

I like the plot you chose. I like reading stories like this.

Flow: (/10)

Grammar/Spelling: (5/10)

Description/Foreword

‘a very, very unordinary girl.’ The ‘a’ should be capitalized because it’s at the beginning of the sentence.

‘But no, she's not a curse, she's not a monster, she maybe an immortal, she maybe non human, but no one knows, even herself.’ You should rewrite this into two separate sentences like, ‘But no, she’s not a curse nor a monster. She may be immortal or inhuman, but no one knows, even she herself.’

‘But her parents does, but will they tell her?’ ‘does’ should be ‘do’.

‘But what happened when there's 12 boys, who maybe a non human, just like her, but let the secret reveals itself.’ Change ‘happened’ to ‘will happen’ and ‘there’s’ to ‘there are’. You don’t need the comma after ‘human’ or the ‘s’ in ‘reveals’. ‘non human’ should be ‘inhuman’.

Ch.1

‘She have no clue of it except her parents.’ Change ‘has’ to ‘have’ and ‘of’ to ‘about’.

‘She search everywhere for it.’ Add an ‘ed’ at the end of ‘search’ and ‘it’ should be ‘one’ unless there’s only one or a specific picture she’s looking for.

‘…in every inch of the house that could hid the picture or any secrets.’ ‘hid’ should be ‘hide’.

‘Or it just well hidden.’ Add the word ‘was’ after ‘just’.

‘She was perfect people would said.’ ‘said’ should be ‘was’.

‘It couldn't be hid although you tried your best.’ ‘hid’ should be ‘hide’ and I think the ‘you’ and ‘you’ should be ‘she’ and her’ since that’s what you used throughout the rest of the chapter.

 ‘But it was not harm and still could be use.’ Add an ‘ed’ at the end of ‘harm’ and ‘use’.

’It was a perfectly in a long straight line…’ You could rewrite this like ‘It was a perfectly long, straight line.’

‘Eyes that doesn't care about imperfection…’ ‘doesn’t’ should be ‘didn’t’.

‘…but she know nothing…’ Add an ‘s’ at the end of ‘know’.

‘The wind blows against her skin.’ Change ‘blows’ to ‘blew’.

‘It just doesn't needed for her.’ You don’t need the ‘ed’ in ‘needed’.

‘It just has its own coverage that no one see, except for her.’ Add the word ‘could’ after ‘one’.

‘She sighed and closes her tired eyes.’ ‘closes’ should be ‘closed’.

‘She sigh and got up on her feet.’

‘She turn around and…’ Add ‘ed’ at the end of ‘turned’.

‘…he face her with the most serious face he has.’ Put and ‘ed’ at the end of ‘face’.

‘She walk towards her room while screaming and swearing bad words in her head.’ ‘walk’ should be ‘walked’.

'Why the hell won't you let me out there?!' I think you should change ‘there’ to ‘here’.

‘Some was voices she has heard before, well some were not.’

‘…it's like suffocating her…’ Add another ‘it’s’ after ‘like’.

‘He didn't expect it was happening this fast.’ Change ‘was happening’ to ‘to happen’.

‘He stand up and ran towards his room.’ ‘stand’ should be ‘stood’.

‘He pulled some books of the shelves.’ You made a little typo, there should be another ‘f’ in ‘of’

‘He enter the security password.’ Add an ‘ed’ at the of ‘enter’.

‘It lid green and opened.’ I think you mean ‘lit’.

‘He opened the box and grab a necklace.’ ‘grab’ should be ‘grabbed’.

‘He hand it over to Hyerin, helping her to wear it.’ Rewrite this as ‘He handed it over to Hyerin and helped her wear it.’

‘…so does the suffocating feel.’ Change ‘does’ to ‘did’.

‘She looks towards her dad, and hugged him.’ ‘looks’ should be ‘looked’.

‘Her dad sigh in relief and hug her tightly.’ Add an ‘ed’ at the end of ‘sigh’ and ‘hug’.

You went back and forth on past and present tense. You should stick to just one of them.

Appearance: (10/10)

I’ll give you full points because it was readable. I wasn’t blinded by colorful words~ eue

Enjoyment: (8/10)

I would’ve enjoyed it more if you didn’t use a lot of the same words a lot like ‘non-ordinary’. Then sentences like ‘In her father's room, the attic, in every inch of the house that could hid the picture or any secrets. But no. There was no trace of it. Or it just well hidden. Maybe she couldn't see it, maybe it was in her without her knowing.’ You did this a lot to other sentences. It’s supposed to build some suspense, but if you do it too much, it takes away the excitement and seems a bit choppy. Plus you went back and forth between past and present tense

Total: (38/50)

Thanks for requesting here! I hope you fine this review helpful :)