awesome_hee- Cold Spring

Story Title: (5/5)

The title was great and interesting. It had good meaning.

Description/Foreword: (10/10)

The sentences in the beginning were interesting and made me curious about what would happen. You didn’t reveal anything about the story, so that’s good and you didn’t describe the characters too much. Authors shouldn’t describe main characters too much, so they’ll be able to let the characters develop throughout the story, but I guess supporting characters are fine.

Story Plot: (4/5)

I liked the story plot. :)

Flow: (10/10)

The flow to your story is good.

Grammar/Spelling: (5/10)

Description/Foreword

‘It all started when winter came as I met my destiny at the street under the light.’ Change ‘at’ to ‘on’.

Ch.1

‘The sun shines dimly and a few of people walks with thick clothes covering their small body.’ You should rewrite it as ‘The sun shines dimly and a few people were walking with thick clothes covering their small bodies.’

‘Both of my hands were stick in my pocket to make them warm.’ ‘stick’ should be ‘stuck’.

‘Back to my story, he looks gorgeous and a beautiful man!’ Put the ‘a’ in front of ‘gorgeous’ instead and add ‘like’ after ‘looks’.

‘I was quite angry when he hit me hard but all of a sudden, I don’t feel mad.’ Add another comma before ‘but’.

‘Maybe, he was in a rush…’ You don’t need the comma after ‘Maybe’.

“Let me treat you drinks as an apology.” Add ‘to a’ after ‘you’ and take out the ‘s’ in ‘drinks’.

“Come, I bring you back before it is getting worse.” Rewrite it as “Come, I’ll bring you back before it get worse.”

‘He said and ran to somewhere.’ You don’t need the ‘to’ in the sentence.

‘He said and still was smiling to me.’ Switch ‘still’ and ‘was’ around and change ‘to’ into ‘at’.

“I don’t take coffee.” Change ‘take’ to ‘drink’.

“Sorry for causing you trouble this much.” Rewrite it as “Sorry for causing you so much trouble.”

‘Then I saw a same figure I met before.’ Change ‘same’ to ‘familiar’.

“I need to be hurry.” Remove ‘be’ from the sentence.

“Or do you guys really going out?!” Change ‘do’ to ‘are’.

‘I watched him for almost the time after my classes and he don’t really talk to girls’. Rewrite it as ‘I watched him almost all the time after my classes and noticed he doesn’t really talk to girls.’

‘I was walking at the corridor during recess…’ Change ‘at’ to ‘in’.

‘Marius-kun looked down to her present and hid behind him when he saw I was watching him from the opposite of the corridor.’ Change ‘to’ into ‘at’, add ‘it’ after ‘hid’ and add ‘side’ after ‘opposite’.

‘He looked excited when the girl he had a crush before and now confess to him to be his girlfriend.’ You should rewrite this sentence into something like, ‘He looked so excited when the girl he had a crush on just confess to him and asked to be his girlfriend.’

“Example, I like to have a date during winter and I really like to play snow with him” Add ‘would’ before ‘really’.

“And then, walking together with him under the dim street light while snowing.” Change ‘walking’ to ‘walk’ and add ‘it’s’ before ‘snowing’.

‘Marius-kun suddenly quiet and hi eye blinked…’ Add ‘became’ after ‘suddenly’.

‘…and hugged me liked a teddy bear.’ Remove the ‘d’ in ‘liked’.

‘This was the most painful compare to my first date in my middle school.’ Change ‘compare’ to ‘compared’ and take out the second ‘my’ in the sentence.

Ch.2

‘I heard mom replied.’ Change ‘replied’ to ‘reply’.

‘…as I hold onto its string.’ It should be ‘held’ instead of ‘hold’.

‘I agree without thinking it properly and blindly accept whatever Marius-kun request.’ Rewrite this as ’I agreed without thinking about it and blindly accepted whatever Marius-kun requested.’

‘I felt so wrong where I shouldn’t be doing since Sugawara is now belongs to Marius-kun.’ You should put it like ‘I felt so wrong. I should be doing this since Sugawara now belongs to Marius-kun.’

‘In the same time, I feel like avenging myself for letting Sugawara to have him and punish to let go of Marius fall into Sugawara hands.’ This one confused me a little bit, but I think I figured out what you were saying. ‘At the same time, I feel like avenging myself for letting Sugawara have him and punish her to let him go before Marius falls into her hands.’

‘He stood under the light that shines his blonde hair.’ Change ‘shines’ to ‘shined’ and add ‘on’ after it.

‘…admiring the beauty of the Tokyo tower from…’ Shouldn’t the ‘t’ in ‘tower’ be capitalized too?

‘What is your favorite things?” It should be ‘are’ not ‘is’.

‘…crossing his legs on the other.’ Remove the ‘s’ from ‘legs’ and replace ‘on’ with ‘over’.

‘A few of them were same as me.’ Add ‘the’ after ‘were’.

‘…and ride on a sport bike.’ Change ‘ride’ to ‘riding’.

‘I will show you to one of my favorite place.’ Remove ‘to’ and add an ‘s’ to ‘place’.

“It is spring but the weather for tonight was cold.” ‘was’ should be ‘is’.

“I have a friend who thought me this.” ‘thought’ should be ‘taught’.

‘…but in the same time, I’m…’ Change ‘in’ to ‘at’.

‘…when his real date then he…’Add ‘it’s’ after ‘when’.

‘Until then I froze do nothing, swallowed hard and messing up my minds.’ Rewrite it as ‘until then, I froze, do nothing, I swallowed hard and my mind was messed up.’

“You acting skill was a fantastic!” Remove ‘a’.

‘Why I have to meet him, here!?’ ‘Why’ should be ‘Why’d’ and you don’t need the comma.

‘Shori’s present make his the topic of the day.’ Change ‘present’ to ‘presence’ and ‘his’ to ‘him’.

‘…into his pockets was never change.’ Change ‘was’ to ‘has’.

“You can ask other guy…” ‘Other’ should be ‘another’.

‘To my surprise she is not shock after all.’ Add an ‘ed’ to ‘shock’.

‘I have never seen him anywhere when the bell rings.’ Rewrite this as ‘I haven’t seen him anywhere when the bell rang.’

‘I was still shock at the view I…’ Add an ‘ed’ to ‘shock’.

“Why are your eyes in red?” Take out ‘in’.

‘…his hands both hold my arms.’ You can rewrite this part as ‘…both of his hands held my arms.’ Or ‘his hands held both of my arms.’

“I cook them by myself.” Add ‘ed’ to ‘cook’.

‘…and watched every of Shori’s movements innocently.’ Change ‘every’ to ‘all’.

‘I didn’t know that he is a good cook.’ Change ‘is’ to ‘was’.

‘…that makes my heart fell down.’ Um, you can rewrite it as ‘…that makes my heart deflate.’ instead.

“I can do by myself Marius-kun.” Add ‘it’ after ‘do’.

Ch.3

‘I felt my head is thumping…’ Remove ‘is’ from the sentence.

‘…until I can’t describe how pain it was.’ ‘pain’ should be ‘painful’.

“I’m having a brain cancer. It can’t be help anymore.” Rewrite this as “I have brain cancer. It can’t be helped anymore.”

“I miss you!” Add an ‘ed’ to miss’.

“…our heart doesn’t belong to each other.” It should be “…our hearts don’t belong to each other.”

“I know you will not trust it but it never happen.” Change ‘trust’ to ‘believe’, put a comma before ‘but’ and add an ‘ed’ at the end of ‘happen’.

‘…when I’m no longer will live…’ ‘I’m’ should just be ‘I’.

“..the one who carry your burden.” Change ‘carry’ to ‘carries’.

‘My face turned to the voice came from but I can’t see where is the owner of the voice.’ Rewrite this sentence as ‘My face turned to where the voice came from, but I couldn’t see where the owner of the voice was.’

“That’s hurt…” ‘That’s’ should be ‘That’.

‘At least we are now a close friend.’ Remove ‘a’ from the sentence and add an ‘s’ to ‘friend’.

“You will feel relieve…” ‘relieve’ should be ‘relieved’.

‘They scold me for putting on diet where I was not.’ Rewrite this as ‘They scolded me for going on a diet when I was not.’

‘…when just a sudden she went missing.’ Replace ‘just a sudden’ with ‘suddenly’.

“The time has fly…” Change ‘fly’ to ‘has flown by’.

Ch.4

“Luckily today is weekend.” Add ‘the’ after ‘is’.

‘…I don’t have the mood to talk about anything.’ Replace ‘don’t have’ with ‘am not in’.

‘I tossed my bag at the side and dropped myself on the bed.’ Change ‘at’ to ‘to’ and ‘dropped’ with a different word like ‘plopped’.

“I knew that.” ‘knew’ should be ‘know’.

“Looks like couple bracelet.” Add an ‘s’ to ‘bracelet’.

‘I took a sit and leaned myself at the wall while my eyes were glued at the second level of the cabinet.’ ‘sit’ should ‘seat’ and change ‘at’ to ‘on’.

“Can I seat here for a while? If I fell asleep…” Change ‘seat’ to ‘sit’ and ‘fell’ to ‘fall’.

‘..and ignoring my calls.’ ‘ignoring’ should be ‘ignored’.

‘…except myself at this big field.’ Change ‘at’ to ‘in’.

‘The ring bells...’ Change it to ‘The bell rings…’

‘Did I just skipped classes just now?’ Change this to ‘Did I skip classes just now?’

‘She is already die.’ ‘die’ should be ‘dead’.

‘I came to her funeral and I saw myself that she is already died.’ Change ‘came’ to ‘went’, ‘is’ to ‘was’ and ‘died’ to ‘dead’.

‘…and sit next to me.’ ‘sit’ should be ‘sat’.

“I know it is pain to…” ‘pain’ should be ‘painful’.

“I’m getting out of control.” Change ‘getting’ to ‘going’.

‘…but her face were sad.’ ‘were’ should be ‘was’.

‘…her eyes were glued at Rin…’ ‘at’ should ‘on’.

‘…I still sit on the swing.’ ‘sit’ should be ‘sat’.

Appearance: (10/10)

The poster(s), background, and layout were all really nice and I like the quote “Every hurtful thing happen in spring”. You chose a good size and font for the story and it’s easy for people to read.

Enjoyment: (10/10)

Total: (44/50)

I was so excited when I saw it was a J-Pop fanfic. I’ve never read one before, so this was my first one and I really enjoyed reading it. Woohoo you were my first requester in my first solo shop!~ Sorry if this review took so long, I was busy with school, but now I’m on Winter Break woo~ I only did 4 chapters because I was worried that I was taking too long :3 I hope you write more stories in the future. Fighting! :)