I miss my mother with her kisses and embraces when I was insecure, with her advices whispered in my ear as I fell asleep and her smile perturbing my day with such happiness that nothing else mattered. She guided me through life more than she knew and I am always the one she’d call in the evening to see if I had been fine. Just that – fine, because she felt deep inside that there was nothing good in staying away from the one that gave birth to you and as much as I tried to lie, she always knows – I'm never fine.

I miss my father’s old Akita, named Mozart, which didn't complain when I pulled on its ears, on its tail or on its coat. I didn’t mourn as much as my family when it passed away because I wasn't acquainted enough with the dog. Yet, no matter the circumstances, Mozart had taken care of us. When we fought, it barked loudly as a way to tell us it was futile. When we cried, Mozart placed its head on our knees and promised a better tomorrow. And when I was stranded behind the living room’s sofa, afraid to face my father, Mozart's cold nose poked my arm and gave me a genuine eye-smile no other dog could.

I miss the grand old piano that shone in the living room every time I’d laid my eyes upon it. Its keys brushing against my fingertips enlightened most of my life. Each became a sincere note scattered like cherry blossoms under the strong wind, soothingly healing my darkening thoughts. I furiously burned all of my anger through it. I smashed my fingers and feet until I bled and screamed in agony, yet I couldn’t stop. It was more painful to end than to continue.

What I did not miss was my brother.

He came in like a storm, bursting through the front door like he owned the place. Unfortunately, he did. His face was laced with spurious intentions as he walked to the kitchen bar, took a seat and turned around to face me. Leg on leg, he leaned forward and pressed his elbow against his knee, curious on what glare could I muster once more in his glorious presence.

I snickered. He frowned.

“What’s so funny?” he asked with that malicious tone that rarely escaped him. My brother mastered the art of annoyance to perfection. He could pull the worst out of a person with a few words aligned in successive order. Sentence by sentence, he built a house of condensed insults and mischievous thoughts. I was lucky enough to have withstood his attitude countless of times, so there was nothing that could surprise me.

“You are,” I retorted. The vein hiding behind his bangs had already doubled in size inside my ideal world. He slapped the bar’s wooden surface, rose from the chair and threw his car keys in the air. He dramatically caught them when gravity did its job and pointed one key in my direction.

“Remember that the only reason you can stay here is because I’m paying for it,” and there he was, flaunting his money like the good son he is. I couldn’t help myself. Laughing had been my medicine for a couple of months – anything and everything seemed hilarious when compared with the I had been through.

“So? You’re going to leave me homeless?” I teased and kept my grin as visible as possible. “What would father say?”

“He’d say to move your back home!” I slightly jumped. I had seen him angry a lot of times, but rarely like that.

“Something happened?”

“No, you’re just being a spoiled brat as ever!” he almost smacked me, holding his hand mid-air. It fell behind his back, ruffling his locks in severe disappointment. “Look...,” he kicked a piece of cloth that had been discarded for days on the floor, “...at least get a roommate, preferably a cute girl that can deal with and clean your .” He snorted, rolled his eyes and swiftly left as he entered.

Hurricanes are like that. They come and go as they please and only stop when they had exhausted all of their energy.

I really didn’t miss him and after I had seen him again, I couldn’t care less.

---

The ‘garage’, as I call it, was really messy.

We used to clean it together and we used to cook together... but since there was no longer a ‘we’, I destroyed that balance in a matter of hours. Too overwhelmed and giddy from the forgotten beer I had found in the fridge, half- and easily distracted, I lazily browsed in bed.  

The screen hurt my eyes.

They had been throbbing all day anyway, so I did not pay them much attention. Magically, the blog I set up one year ago had a few readers and a few views. Since I rarely used it, I was tempted to delete it. The mouse trembled under my hand as I moved the cursor over said button.

I couldn’t do it.

There was something forbidden in the way I exposed myself. My intimacy should not be shared that easily with strangers, yet a certain comfort existed when I spilled it all out without consequences. Who could trace it back to the one masked in front of the keyboard?

Unless... Unless he’d stumble upon the blog and read between the lines with disgust.

I chuckled and clicked on a random link out of boredom. It was an exchange service. I chuckled louder. Could someone give their heart for mine? One untainted and with preserved innocence would do.

My brother’s advice came flooding back. God, could I be crazy enough to follow it?

I don’t know if it was because of my mood or the empty beer bottle resting nearby on the pillow but it wasn't that bad of an idea.

I created an account under a minute and then proceeded to mock that useless thing of a website. A cute girl wasn’t that bad, so I wrote it at requirements. Added a few random locations and that she had to come in a frilly dress with a pink bowtie stuck to her head. If she did not, my offer wouldn’t be negotiable. The joy dimmed as I completed the form. Still shaking, I couldn’t add it. It was too much.

What was I becoming?

There were hundreds of users in need on that exchange service and there I was, stepping on their chances of something that could improve their life. I was ridiculing the hard work of programmers and designers, of the community that placed their last tingle of faith in those ads and their desperation, which could only worsened when they’d have to report me for false proposals. Anonymous or not, a bitter taste lingered and it was definitely not the beer’s fault. All of them prayed for something to appear one day and save them from misery... and I did too.

I cancelled the ad and checked the hour - almost two in the morning. Curiously inspecting the faster form, I chose some options closer to reality and, again, felt like some poor soul could take me seriously. In all fairness, I couldn’t live with someone else. It was a burden I could not be made responsible of. I was not the sole owner and surely, I couldn’t ask for money since I had too much pride left inside. If there were something that could become a distraction, that was abusing my brother’s pseudo-kindness.

I pushed the laptop away, just enough to get out of bed. I leaned after the beer bottle and as its glass bottom carved a valley over the sheet, I knocked the laptop down.

Panic installed.

I threw the bottle away and promptly pushed any key to see if it worked. In my rush, I submitted the form.

I gasped when it appeared on the first page.

No, no... I could remove it in time... no. 

If only the laptop hadn't shut down due to a weak battery.

My phone beeped loudly after several more minutes of terror. I absentmindedly picked it up and checked my e-mail.

Somebody already answered.

I stood there for almost ten minutes, pondering, weighting my decision. It was too late, wasn’t it?

But a change wasn’t that bad, was it?

---

Morning welcomed my sleepy state with a headache. My thumb dialed a number and before he had picked up, I let out a yawn.

“Hey ...,” the groan on the other side wasn’t pleased with the nickname, “...I got a cute girl as a roommate. Now leave me alone.”

A/N; When you’re trying to listen to Ludovico Einaudi while writing and Youtube has an ad after every song in the playlist *cries/gets adblock*