I realize that Lay needs space to recover. He’s recovering from what looked to be his first love, and me having a silly crush on him is just wrong on so many levels. I don’t even know what I’m hoping to get from this, because I know if there were even a ghost of a chance that he’ll take notice of me, I’d just end up a rebound. And rebounds don’t ever last for very long.

Suddenly, I feel like I’m imposing on Luhan’s and Lay’s lives, on their room. I’m invading a space I’m not supposed to be in, and I’m being too comfortable. I’m a girl, and even if they really are just my friends, platonic and all, it’s not looked at favorably by societal norms. My mom wouldn’t appreciate knowing I hang out in there almost every day. I don’t appreciate the feeling spreading in my chest, the suffocating type that lets me know I’m falling for the wrong guy.

So I make it a point not to go to their room. I go to my room because that’s the room I pay for. Not theirs. I open my books and I start reviewing for finals, going through the study guide to check which information I need to review. Not even five minutes in, I feel my phone vibrate against my jeans pocket.

I ignore it, scribbling notes on the paper about Attic Red Figure Vases and Roman replicas of Greek statues. I mumble mindless facts about Oresteia, about the Furies, and sophistic arguments that don’t seem to make any rational sense, but the phone vibrates again.

I finally take it out of my pocket.

[4:45pm]: where u at?

[4:51pm]: hello? Come to my room.

It seems he’s as used to my presence as I am going there. Still.

[4:53pm]: in my room, studying. I’ll just stay here. I have a lot of things to do.

A few seconds later, another message comes.

[4:54pm]: nooooooooo. Come up. Study here.

And I almost do, but I’m really just trying not to see Lay. I debate whether to ask if he was there. My fingers hover over the touch screen, wondering what I’m doing exactly. Finally, I reply:

[4:57pm]: Okay. But just for a bit.

Part of me hopes that Lay isn’t there. I feel like I’m suffocating him. He’s the type to just take crap without complaints, and I can’t stand seeing him take my abuse of power without a fight. But most of me just wishes he’s there, because I want to see him for no reason.

I feel my shoulders sag just a bit when I see his side of the room empty, but I try not to feel anything. It’s just tiredness creeping up on me.

I motion for Luhan to scoot so I can sit beside him. I’m careful to sit on Luhan’s bed, not Lay’s, as I’m in the habit of doing these days, and I just start working.

“You know what the problem is?” Luhan looks up from his laptop screen, where an unidentifiable anime series is playing.

“What?” I take off the earphones plugged on my ears.

“I have some pretty cool clothes.” Luhan looks at his closet contemplatively, and I just sigh at his self-centeredness, plugging my earphones back in.

“No, wait, wait!” He takes my hand away from the earphones and lets go. “I wasn’t done. I have cool clothes, but I don’t know how to put them together.” He laughs.

“Is that all you called me up for?” I ask, but I feel like laughing already.

“Well, I’m bored, and I don’t feel like studying for my Chem final right now, so…” he shrugs his shoulders.

I nod and look back at my book. “It’s just that… I feel like I’m always in your room all the time, and it’s just imposing on you two. I was joking around when I said I owned this room, but it seems like it’s coming true.”

Why does he have the power to make me say what I don’t want to say out loud? How does he know how to make me feel better without saying the words outright?

“You know we seriously don’t mind.” He looks at his screen again.

“I know. But still.” I know he doesn’t, but I’m not sure about Lay. And it’s him I think about now, even though I’m talking to Luhan.

“Just stay, okay?” He says, annoyed, even though I know he really isn’t. Again, I’m tempted to ask when Lay’s coming back, so I can avoid him.

“Okay.” I nod, and finally get to work, because even though I’m worried about a one-sided crush, I’m a student first. And I’m just going to wean myself off this stupid thing before Lay catches wind of my feelings. Because that’s just what friends should do. They should stay friends.

--

sadness :(