Seunggwan sits against the wall outside the outside the building underneath the awning, watching the rain slowly thrash against the pavement. It was late fall, maybe even winter now. Seunggwan wasn't sure anymore. All the seasons and months and days and maybe even years ran together. That wouldn't happen anymore, though, because today was the day it all changed. It hurt knowing that no matter how today went, he'd be upset, feel empty.

Eventually, Jihoon comes outside and slithers down the wall, crossing his legs underneath him. They listen to the rain fall in silence for a while. It's comforting to Seunggwan just knowing that Jihoon is there with him. They'd been through a lot. When they first met, they saw each other as nothing but competition. As they'd grown closer, though, from late nights singing duets and days where Seunggwan would take the long way to school just to talk with Jihoon, Seunggwan had realized just how great of a friend JIhoon was. Seunggwan wanted to be successful, but more than that, he wanted to be successful with Jihoon by his side.

"Weather's fitting for a day like this, huh?" Jihoon whispers, glancing at Seunggwan, who's eyes were the deadest Jihoon had ever seen them.

Seunggwan only nods in response.

"I rarely see MC Boo short for words," Jihoon offers in a playful tone.

"I don't know what to tell you. Today's dull and grey and sad, just like this stupid situation. It makes me wish I'd listened to my mom when she said auditioning was a bad idea. Some of our dreams are going to end today. If not mine or yours, it's somebody else's. I practically grew up around these guys. Seungchul, Soonyoung- they might as well be blood," Seunggwan rants endlessly. He kicks over the flower pot in front of his feet with an angry sigh. He didn't meant to snap at the one person who was always there for him, but he was just every form of stressed out and angry imaginable.  "No matter what, the fifteen of us are losing what we wanted more than anything: to do this thing together."

"I knew you had something to say," Jihoon smiles at him. "Seunggwan, things are going to work out somehow. You've seen the talent so many of us have. It radiates."

Just as Seunggwan is about to argue that not every talented person makes it in the entertainment industry, Soonyoung pokes his head out the door.

"Seunggwan, Hoonie. It's time," he practically whimpers. Seunggwan feels like he's going to combust.

"Already?" Seunggwan asks, not expectant of an answer.

Soonyoung nods.

They shuffle into the practice room, where everyone is waiting. Doyoon and Seungchul are comforting each other in a weird hug-huddle, along with Joshua and Junghan standing near them. Seunggwan immediately recognizes this is the direction Jihoon is headed, so he nods a goodbye. Disappointment rushes over him as he takes his seat with Soonyoung. He was a good friend, too, of course, but he was no Jihoon.

When 'Black Suit', as Samuel used to call him, arrives, everyone jumps to their feet to bow. Seunggwan's heart is racing and his legs go numb. He's about to lose it, when he feels a tug at his hand. Jihoon's standing next to him, gripping his fingers, but still looking ahead as though it was nothing, as though it was what came naturally. 

"I know you've all been waiting for this, so why don't we cut to the chase? I'm going to read off the names of those who have been chosen. The remaining seven will stay here afterwards to address what happens now," Black suit explained solemnly. Seunggwan was probably imagining things, but he seemed almost sad. Seunggwan had never seen Black Suit sad before, only angry. "Any questions?"

No one speaks up. Seunggwan takes a deep breath. Jihoon squeezes his hand, and Seunggwan can almost hear him saying, 'It'll all be okay, Gwannie'.

"Alright. We'll begin then, okay?" 

He clears his throat, then begins listing off names. The first is Seungchul. There's no surprise there. He was talented, a leader. There was no Seventeen without him. Seunggwan thought that was evident, but Seunggwan could see the tears welling up in his eyes from the other side of the room. He supposes everyone was afraid. The next is Soonyoung. There's a loud gasp from beside him, then Soonyoung immediately buries his face into his hands. Seunggwan reaches out to pat him on the back, but doesn't let go of Jihoon. 

"Jang Doyoon."

Doyoon hugs Seungchul for what seems like eternity.

"Wen Junhui."

Seunggwan's getting more and more worried. This time, though, he squeezes Jihoon's hand. He knew Jihoon had to be falling apart just as much. He was just better at hiding it.

"Kim Mingyu."

"Chwe Hansol."

Seunggwan shakes with fear. He'd been counting mentally. Only two names were left. He needed the next name to be either his or Jihoon's, or this was it. All his dreams of winning newcomer awards and eventually daesangs together with Jihoon were over. All his fantasies about them performing a song together during Seventeen's first real concert were going to vanish. It hurt. It hurt to know that they had come so close and it could all be over in a few seconds.

"Lee Seokmin."

As soon as the name leaves Black Suit's lips, Seunggwan pulls Jihoon into a hug. This couldn't be happening. This could not be happening. It had to be a dream. He just needed to wake up. If he'd just wake up, he'd realize things were still fine. Everything was fine. It was all fine. Seunggwan doesn't even hear the last name. He just held onto Jihoon as tightly as he could. He had this iron hold on him like it was going to make a difference. Maybe he thought it would.

"Congratulations," Jihoon whispers into his ear. Seunggwan could hear his voice crack. Before he knows it, he feels his shoulder getting damp. Oh. 

"I'm going to have to ask the eight who's names have already been called to exit the room," Black Suit demands, and the other seven clear out.

Seunggwan looks at Jihoon for approval. 

"Go. I'll be okay," Jihoon croaks, squeezing Seunggwan's hand one more time.

Seunggwan assumes this is what heartbreak feels like.

The other seven go out for a meal to celebrate, but Seunggwan declines and opts to wait outside underneath the awning until he finds out what's going to happen to Jihoon and the other six. He knows it's not going to be something good, but whatever it was, he was going to be there for Jihoon.

After half an hour or so, they come out one by one. Chan, then Dongjin. Mingming, then Wonwoo. Junghan, then Joshua. Finally, Jihoon steps out. His eyes are red and puffy. He looks miserable, lifeless. Seunggwan has to wipe away his own tears upon seeing him with his blonde hair sticking out this way and that. Jihoon left an impression on every person he met, good or bad. He was life-changing like nobody else Seunggwan had met before. 

"I thought you would've left," Jihoon admits as he tries to get himself together. He hated for Seunggwan to see him falling apart. He was the hyung. He was the one who was supposed to be putting Seunggwan back together again. He was the one who was supposed to be taking care of him. "You just got the best news of your life."

"And my best friend got the opposite," Seunggwan counters. Jihoon half-smiles at Seunggwan calling him his best friend. 

"Yeah, well."

"So, um, what went down after he sent us away?" Seunggwan asks, trying to get a better read on the situation.

"That we still had a shot, but we were going to have to work harder, do better and impress more people than ever before," Jihoon elaborates as well as he can. His voice was gone and he still seemed like he was two seconds away from losing his cool.

"That's great!" Seunggwan enthuses. 

"Yeah. I don't think I'm going to take his offer, though."

"What?" 

"His offer for a second chance. I'm not going to take it," Jihoon says slowly, as though he's explaining it to a five year old.

"Why wouldn't you? This is your dream, Jihoon," Seunggwan swallows loudly.

"Sure, I love music, but so do so many other people. Maybe Music is meant to be my hobby. I've invested so much time into this and it's gotten me nowhere. It's about time I grew up a little," Jihoon states, clearly and as confidently as possible. Seunggwan knew he was a good actor, but after something as traumatic as what had just happened, he still couldn't believe it. "I need to focus on school. That's what's actually going to get me further in life. All this nonsense isn't."

"Jihoon-"

"No. That's all I have to say."

"That's it?"

"That's it."

There's a long, terrible silence.

"I'm catching a bus home tonight. I'll be back in a few days to get my stuff from the dorm, withdraw from school, all that," Jihoon nods.

"You've already got it all thought out," Seunggwan points out.

"Yeah. I thought about it a lot these past few days."

"Jihoon-"

"What?"

"You deserve this so much more than I do," Seunggwan confesses, trying to wipe his tears before they fall. 

"No, I don't. Seunggwan, you are amazing. You are so amazing. Your voice is amazing, your personality, your dancing, your laugh," Jihoon lists. Upon realizing he's getting carried away, his cheeks flush bright red. "All I mean is that this industry is going to love you."

"They'd love you, too! How can you just give up?" Seunggwan hisses. He thought he knew Jihoon better than that. He thought the boy he knew was a fighter. He supposes he didn't know him as well as he thought.

"Because I'm not sure I can trust myself to stay away from you," Jihoon barks. "Is that what you wanted, Seunggwan? For me to have to admit it?"

"I- I didn't know. I swear," Seunggwan stammers.

"You didn't know? You expect me to believe you had no idea? You didn't even kinda realize?"

"I just thought-"

"You were wrong," Jihoon says simply. 

That's that. Jihoon leaves. Seunggwan doesn't chase him. Jihoon does catch his bus. Jihoon doesn't come back to train and retry. He stays in touch with Doyoon, but Seunggwan would have been lucky if he received a 'hey' every now and then in response to the many, many texts he sends to Jihoon. Seunggwan wasn't lying when he said Jihoon was his best friend, but he supposed that must've had a different meaning to Jihoon.

Seunggwan does debut with Seventeen, and he does all the things he wanted to do with Jihoon without him. He performs that piano duet with Seokmin. He's holding onto Soonyoung's hand during their bows after their first concert. 

Eventually, he and Jihoon do see each other again. It's at their encore show in Seoul after their first world tour (it was advertised as so, but none of their dates had been outside Asia). Seventeen had just finished their bows, and Seunggwan was lying defeated on a couch in their dressing room, picking confetti out of his hair. Junghan sat with his feet in Seunggwan's lap, softly dabbing himself for sweat. Seungchul is giving pep talks, Doyoon is telling everyone to clean up after themselves and Soonyoung simply can't sit still. They're all in their matching Seventeen shirts. With the exception of Wonwoo, who'd broken a leg prior to the date and was still in a wheelchair, all members were present. Jihoon had been the only one out of the original 15 not to debut, which, to Seunggwan, was the worst fact. They looked like a team. They felt like a team. Then Jihoon walks in.

He's wearing muddy hiking boots and an army jacket, and his hair is still blonde, which shocks Seunggwan, as it'd now been that same shade for years. He desperately needs to get his roots done and he looks miserable, but as soon as Seunggwan sees him, his entire face lights up.

"Uh, Youngmin let me in, so," Jihoon says awkwardly. Doyoon starts to go to hug him, but Seungchul scowls, shaking his head. Doyoon tried to keep him quiet, but everyone knew Seungchul was still mad at Jihoon for walking out on them so easily. If there was one thing Seungchul couldn't stand, it was those who were weak, and Jihoon had proved himself weak to his very core.

The three members who were added prior to his departure look scared to death, as though they're figuring out who they were going to throw under the bus to keep their own head. Jihoon waves them off. 

"You guys all sounded amazing. It was really, really good. Soonyoung, your solo was absolutely beautiful," Jihoon stammers out awkwardly. He couldn't get past Seungchul glaring at him.

"Who even invited you?" Seungchul hisses before Doyoon can elbow him to remind him to be a decent human being for once.

"No one, I guess," he answers. He was trying to be as intimidating as Seungchul, but he couldn't. 

"You can leave then, I guess," Seungchul quips.

Jihoon nods.

"Sorry to intrude. I just wanted to come support you because I missed you guys is all," Jihoon offers as an excuse before quietly attempting to back out of the room. Jihoon had known this would be a bad idea, but the opportunity to see Seunggwan in person again (and not just on his TV) was much too tempting.

"If you missed us, you would've replied to my- our texts," Seunggwan snaps. He hadn't meant to talk until Jihoon was gone, but it slipped out. 

Jihoon scoffs under his breath, so Seunggwan keeps going.

"You came here because you thought you'd see us crash and burn without you. You wanted some redemption because right now you're a sorry, miserable human who missed their one chance," Seunggwan seethes, moving Junghan's legs and standing up. He walks towards him slowly. "And you're pathetic."

"I'm pathetic? How about how you're pathetic, Seunggwan? I have 300 unread texts sent by you. That's pathetic," Jihoon retaliates. He and Seunggwan just stared at each other, with annoyed faces and looking as thought they were going to snap any second.

Joshua starts to get up to come protect Seunggwan, but he breaks out into uncontrollable laughter.

"That's not pathetic. You're pathetic for not opening them. You avoid confrontation like a little girl," Seunggwan retorts.

"So what if I do? At least I'm not still obsessed with somebody who forgot me two years ago," JIhoon snarls. He couldn't believe he just said that.

"If you forgot about me two years ago, why are you here, Jihoon?"

No response. Seunggwan waits and waits, but Jihoon doesn't even attempt to articulate a reply.

"You're a class act," he responds, shaking his head and walking out of the door behind Jihoon. Most of the other boys just stare in shock. 

"Jihoon," Doyoon begins, but he can't find a way to try and talk to him. Seungchul is staring him down. Junghan and Joshua both look ready to pounce. Chan just frowns. Jihoon can see Dongjin's fists gripped into tiny little balls.

"Okay. Sorry," Jihoon sighs. "I meant it when I said you guys were amazing, though."

Upon being returned with dead silence, Jihoon exits the room. He reaches the outside of the venue before he realizes how royally he'd messed up. He'd been messing up for a solid two years, though, so he doubts this makes much of a difference. He feels like curling into bed and crying for a few hours, though, especially since he'd already decided to skip his morning classes tomorrow (or today, considering it was 1am). That's when he collides smack into one of Seventeen's fans.

"Oh, god, I'm so, so sorry," Jihoon chokes out, jumping to his feet then offering her a hand. She takes it shakily, staring up at him with her eyes wide. "What? Why are you looking at me like that? I really didn't mean to-"

"No, No, no. That was my fault. Um, I just- Um. You were my favorite member of Seventeen back before- Well, you know."

"I didn't realize anybody would remember me," Jihoon says in a little voice. 

"Oh, god. I could never forget you. You're the reason I started dancing," she replies enthusiastically. "I remember watching you dance to some pop song on a live stream during season one of Seventeen TV and just wishing I was capable of that. I've been dancing for three years now. I'm a trainee, actually."

"Wow," Jihoon mumbles. He'd never inspired someone before. All he did was fail to debut in a group filled with people who now hate him.

"Yeah, wow. I never thought I'd get to meet you. This is so insane. Thank you for changing my life," she whispers.

"Sera!" another, shorter girl screams as she runs up behind them.

"I've gotta go," the dancer, Sera, says, then turns around and runs off. 

Jihoon  just stands there, staring at where she stood long after she's gone. When he snaps out of it, he gets this weird feeling in his chest, then starts on his way to Pledis's practice building. He sits under the awning. It was dark, cold. He'd never felt so alone in his life. Rain starts to sprinkle down, then it's almost a monsoon. Jihoon just sits, watching the rain. Seunggwan used to do this to clear his head all the time. After a while, he hears boots against the pavement behind him. He couldn't believe the sound was still familiar after all this time. He couldn't believe Seunggwan hadn't thrown those things out.

"I can't believe you're here," Seunggwan states, looking down at him. Jihoon hadn't realized how tall Seunggwan had grown. He'd probably have to stand on his tiptoes to look him in the eye.

"My bus doesn't leave for another two hours. I didn't quite expect things to go down like this," Jihoon explains. "I can't believe you're here and not out celebrating."

"This is my breakdown spot. You know that," Seunggwan sighs, taking off her backpack and sitting down next to Jihoon. "Seeing you kinda triggered one."

"Are you mad?"

"Mad? No, not really. I'm sad. I'm sad and frustrated, and you left me so confused," he explains.

"Confused? What's there to be confused about?" Jihoon contemplated. Seunggwan lays his head on his shoulder gently. Jihoon flinches, but tries his best not to react. He wanted things to be better so desperately.

"Because you told me you maybe had feelings for me, then you just left. Did you think I'd forget about that? Do you think that didn't leave me wondering if I felt like that for you?" Seunggwan questions him with a roll of his eyes. He says everything so evenly, like it's basic fact he's memorized a long, long time ago.

"Are you still?"

"No, I know who I am now, and I didn't need you to be here to figure it out for me," Seunggwan says in a matter-of-fact tone that makes Jihoon's heart sink.

"Who are you?"

"Seunggwan," he answers brightly.

"That's a well thought out answer."

"I've been thinking on it for a long time now."

The rain starts to let up. It's late, but if it wasn't so dark Seunggwan would be able to see the orange and brown autumn leaves and the puddles in the potholes on the road. Those things remind him of him and Jihoon, he thinks. If the lover of Sonnet 18 was a Summer's day, Jihoon was a Fall's night, just like this one. He was complex, like every crumpled leaf on the floor of house wives' yards. He was harsh like the climate and bitter like the wind. He was broken. Above all else, though, he was beautiful, even when times got rough and lines were blurred. 

Summer was Seunggwan's favorite season until he met Jihoon. Fall was more unique than Summer. Fall was more stunning than Summer. Maybe Summer's perfection stood out to some people, but Seunggwan had learned that the most interesting, lovely people (he meant seasons) were those that were harder to love. Maybe school starts up instead of letting out. Maybe they leave instead of waiting for you to say that you like them back. He's still thinking about seasons, of course. 

"Jihoon?"

"Yeah?"

Seunggwan looks at him, studying his face and his eyes. He considers a lot of things, like taking him by his cheeks and kissing him right on the mouth or hitting him so hard upside the head he bleeds internally. Instead, he just shakes his head.

"I wouldn't have confessed back."

"I know."