*Taekwoon /Leo pov *

I kept going.

Punches being thrown left and right.  Spit gathers on his cheeks. He cries.  I light another cigarette.

It wasn’t even fun anymore. (Was it ever fun?)

The pleasure I had been receiving had long disappeared and now I was just finishing what I started.

“Why? Why are you doing this to me?” he chokes out through his desperate sobs.

“I don’t even know to be honest. It’s not like I hate you, because I definitely don’t. “

“It’s just that you look so …..”

“So beautiful like this. “

“You look gross and I love it. “

Hakyeon’s eyes glimmer. I can physically see him fall more in love with me.

I want to scream. Why doesn’t he hate me?

I want him to hate me.

He deserves better than me.

Why did I know that and he didn’t?

God I’m losing every part of my sanity.

I didn’t want to be like this. Although the thrill kept me going….

I was disturbed to the core.

I searched for ways to rationalize my actions. But there were none.

Nothing about what I was doing was rational.

Why would I hurt him so much if I was supposed to love him?

Every moment I was losing control of which me was the real me.

It would be easier to say that Taekwoon, the gentle soft spoken gentleman was my actual form.

Yet Leo, the relentless brutal monster was much more vivid in my mind. Leo was stronger. Being Leo was more thrilling.

I have no control.

I am a slave to my own mind

Or is it my soul?

Are those two combined?

Or different entities?

.

I am a slave to my obsession and the constant arousal surrounding it.

I succumb to my thoughts for too long.

I lose count of how many punches I’ve thrown

Of how many slices into his delicate skin I’ve made

Of how many cigarettes have burnt him down to his pink flesh.

I lost control.

I was so entranced by the feeling of dominance that I barely even noticed when he stopped whimpering.

I bent down and held my hand to his nose.

The usual warm air did not grace my hand

He must be trying to with me.

“Cha Hakyeon. Get the UP” I said trying to sound as dominant as possible without giving any intimation of my nerves.

No reply.

I stood up and kicked his leg trying to evoke some sort of reaction from him.

None.

Oh .

I drop to my knees in front of him and try to resituate him, pumping furiously on his still chest while blowing my hot breath into his mouth.

Yet my efforts were futile.

He was gone.

I killed him.

I ing killed him.

What the am I supposed to do?

This wasn’t supposed to happen. Ha. I’m not really sure what was supposed to happen.

Maybe I thought my actions would never come back to haunt me. I thought I could indulge forever.

But as they say….

Nothing good last forever.

I had never murdered anyone before, and it was definitely an experience to remember. I felt an icy cold slowly cover my heart as thoughts burned in my mind.

Opposing feelings gave me a sort of sick thrill that only a truly insane person might enjoy.

But I’m not insane.

I’d like to think that these aren’t the thoughts of a mad man.

Because I’m not a mad man.

I’m not insane.

Having urges and needs were completely normal and simple. So I wondered why my urges felt so wrong. They made me feel hideous.

Like a beast.

But back to the problem at hand. I have a dead body to dispose of.

I get ready to stand. But I don’t move.

I’m stricken with nervousness.

I’m stuck.

Oh god. Why can’t I move?

My racing thoughts paralyze my body.  My heart palpates and sweat merges from my pores.

“I am a murderer “

“I am a criminal. I will be stuck in jail for the rest of my life”

“What would my mother say?”

“I am so ed”

I wanted to be comfortable but I knew I did not deserve comfort.

Everything that could possible comfort me, now worried me.

The silence of our  my apartment now pierces my ears.

And it’s funny because I always told Hakyeon to shut his loud mouth

But now I wish for his voice to put an end to my misery.

I start shaking. First my hands tremor then the rest of my body begins to convulse in a violent spasm.

“STOP. JUST ING STOP” I tell myself. I was convinced that I was doing this to myself.

But I couldn’t calm down. Next thing I know, I’m laying on my side with my body still shaking.

This is when I realized, I have to put this to an end.

I have to end it all.

I saw death as the ultimate comfort zone where my thoughts could attack me no longer.

Death was the only thing I could trust.

I was not comforted by that fact that I knew I would not be seeing Hakyeon in the afterlife. (If they’re actually was one) He would surely be in heaven for his soul was pure and he forgave me when everything I did was unforgivable.

 I was destined for hell. I was sure of it. My ill actions have guaranteed me a spot in the blazing cave I am soon to call home.

So in my last desperate attempt, I crawl to Hakyeon’s horrifyingly, mangled corpse and give him a goodbye kiss on his cold, busted lips.  Then I stand, wobble to the bathroom and grab every bottle of pills I can find. Luckily there was more than enough to do the job. I swallow them quickly and forcefully.

I can feel myself dissolving away.

I never meant to hurt you

I never meant to make you cry

I only wanted to tell you

That I am still in love with you

A/N: ......... please don't be mad;;

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