I was here, at the lake, where my mother's soul and ash was. It was her birthday today.

"Hi mum..I brought you red roses. Your favourite. Happy birthday..." without expecting I started to cry.

I dropped to the ground and cried louder.

"I went the other day to visit dad...he was not..in the greatest shape. Mum. I always wondered why you had to go so early? Why..out of six siblings you were the only one who had AIDS transmitted by your father." I cried louder.

I could hear her. I couldn’t see her but I could feel and hear her.

-I’m sorry…I am sorry honey- she whispered.

“Don’t be sorry, it’s not your fault. I know it’s not your fault but I still hated it. I hated being your…daughter. I loved you. I really did love you. I just hated how you were sick.” I mumbled in tears. I could taste the salty water in my mouth.

-I love you too, and I am sorry you are my daughter- she soothed me


*Flashback*

13 years ago

“Happy birthday to you~ happy birthday to you~ Happy birthday Jae Min~ Happy birthday to you~” We all sang in unison.

After the song he blew out the candles making him officially 7years old. We all clapped with joy and handed him presents. Everyone lined up to hand him his presents, once the present was handed to him he would give us a hug.

“Here’s your present Jae Min.” I handed him the present I had hand wrapped. He snatched it out of my hand. I waited for my hug, but he just stared at me.

The teacher frowned and asked him why he wouldn’t hug me.

“My mum said I shouldn’t touch you because your mum has AIDS, and…you might have AIDS.” He cried.

7 year old me, just stood there, staring at him.


Since then I knew I was the daughter of a sick woman and no one wanted to be my friend…
But I was lucky, because Ha Yeon stayed next to me, even when she knew I was the daughter of a woman who had AIDS. Being the daughter of a woman who had AIDS, was like being the daughter of a murderer. People whispered about you right in front of your face, they stared at you and wouldn’t go near you. The stigma around AIDS could kill a little girl’s soul and happy life. I was a happy little girl who just had a mother who lived in the hospital, but I had everything else. I was loved, my parents would spoil me with gifts and they taught me how to repay in kindness for everything I had…until I was 7 years old.

My soul was crushed and I couldn’t lift my head. The happy 7 year old was depressed and emotionally hurt. I couldn’t tell my already sick mother, or my sad father. I acted happy in front of them, as their daughter who was glad and thankful with life.

When my mother died I wasn’t the one who repaid with kindness anymore, I was the one who got repaid. But I knew then, kindness wasn’t something that would help me through life. It was money. The only thing I needed was money. But even a person who was hungry for money had a dream. A dream to help and cure people like my mother, I wanted to be a doctor. It was difficult. If I wanted to go a university with a hospital I had study like crazy. I didn’t have time to sleep or eat. I had four part time jobs. My father’s alcoholic habits got him into rehab, which I had to pay for. The rent in Seoul was worth two part time jobs, even for a crappy one room.

My life was hell since I was 7 but I was living in hell since my mother died when I was 16.