I woke up with a headache and immediately covered my eyes with the pillow that was under my head. Rolling over to face his side of the bed, I expected to see Seung Hyun beside me. I couldn't remember how we got home, I think his manager came and drove us home in our car.

It took half a millisecond for me to register that my husband was not next to me in the bed, nor anywhere in the room and for me to practically jump out of the bed and run down the hall.

"Tabi?" I asked stopping at Mi-Na's bedroom door. I opened the door and immediately felt empty, remembering that she wasn't there.  Neither was Seung Hyun, but he'd been in there earlier; her toys were moved around and her favorite stuffed giraffe was missing from her dresser.

I heard a dull thud and closed the door, proceeded down the hall to the living room and checked there and the kitchen. Looking across the living room to his Den door, I could see a light on and the door cracked open a little. I found Seung Hyun extremely drunk, sitting on the floor drawing on paper with markers and talking to Mi-Na's stuffed animal. He had his back to me and four Soju and two Bourbon bottles, drained to the last drop, scattered around his outstretched legs. He was working on a third Bourbon bottle.

I stopped just inside the doorway and listened to him.

"Do you think this is pretty, Senji?" He held up a paper to the giraffe, whose beaded eyes reflected the white of the paper but otherwise looked empty.

He shrugged, his voice thick and his words sloppy. "I think it's pretty. I'll show it to Mi-Na when she comes home. I think she'll like it. I do..."

I closed my eyes. His broken heart couldn't be healed with liquor, he knew that. I think he was just trying to drown the empty feeling inside with the alcohol. A sedative of sorts, until he could find peace, and they found our daughter. I covered my mouth with my hand. I didn't drink. I didn't have a distraction to keep my mind off Mi-Na's disappearance. For a split second, I envied him.

"When is she coming home? I think Bunny went to go get her from Ji Yong's house, Senji. She'll be back soon."

I stepped up behind him as quietly as I could over the carpet and knelt beside him. He jumped when I touched him.

"You startled me! Is Mi-Na home yet?" He said immediately trying to get up.

"She's not here." My words went unheard as he focused on trying to stand and not black out in front of me.

He made it up and misjudged the doorway, smacking his shoulder against the door frame and stumbling backwards. As he went back, his arm went out to catch himself and he knocked over a trophy that he'd earned in acting, on the shelf on the wall. With clumsy fingers Seung Hyun grabbed the trophy and threw it on the ground. It bounced on the carpet and hit my knee.

I went to pick it up, but he shouted, "Anniyo! Don't touch it!"

I paused, my hand hovering over the shiny trophy, and I looked at him.

"Don't touch it. It's not clean."

"Clean?" I asked softly, withdrawning my hand, but I remained on the floor.

"I would give away my acting trophies, Big Bang trophies, albums, the cars, our house...for one thing. You know what that is?" He staggered around in a small circle near the door and pointed at all the trophies around the room.

I didn't say anything, I watched. I watched his heart shatter and his bass voice thunder in a gradually progressing drunken rage.

"I would give all of this away! For our daughter... I would. You don't believe me? Do you, Bunny? Anniyo. Do you, Momma?" 

His words stumbled out of his mouth as he leaned against the wall and blinked, his vision getting swimmy.

"She's your daughter too, you know. You." He tried to point his hand at me, his aim way off.

"Choi. Mi. Na. The! Choi Mi-Na! The only child this pure boy ever had," he snapped his fingers, "Gone. Like a tear in the ocean! Like fog into a fan. Like a flashlight without...something... And aren't you greiving too, Mother? Shouldn't you be in here getting into my liquor cabinet and drawing on copy paper?"

Seung Hyun's face started to shine with sweat, his body finding no use for the alcohol and beginning to get it out of his system.

"No. Bunny doesn't drink. Momma doesn't drink! Bingu TOP does! An alcoholic! Rapper TOP draining bottles because he can't stand the emptiness in his own heart. I don't.... Big Bang! We are Big Bang! Big, Big Bang! I am rapper TOP!" He slapped the wall beside him, his legs wobbling.

I didn't move, but I was watching intently in case he fell.

"I have been Big Bang for over 10 years now, Betha...Bethani. You know that? I've been all over the world. Cairo, Berlin, Hong Hong, Amsterdam, Bangkok, Taipei, Vanceuver, London, New York, Los Vegas, Los... Los Vegas, Baby! Big Bang!"

He finally stopped moving around and looked at me dead on and said in a tired voice, "And I would give it all away...for Mi-Na's return home."

He then hit the floor before I could stand up in time, out cold.

I picked up the bottles, placed his trophie back where it was, locked the cabinet, picked up the toy and the coloring paper and markers, turned off the light but left the door open all the way, and left him there to sleep it off.

I went into Mi-Na's room, put her giraffe back, and cried again, the empty feeling swallowing the both of us whole.