Uncalled for Feelings.
What Is Love?
Kyungsoo's POV
» "I don't have to tell you anything, I didn't wish to be saved."
Kai looks at my writing and I scan his face, to see his reaction process. He looks from the paper and his gaze sets on my bandaged wrist. I can feel the lingering sting from my not-so-long previous suicidal attempt. Kai finally looks at me and I can feel my heart race as the color drains from my face when he only blurs out one word.
"Why?" Even if I didn't want it to, my heart aches for this boy as I look at his watery eyes when he whispers to me. I hate myself for feeling this way; I don't ever want to feel this way, ever since the incident I swore not to. But this male named Kai made it so hard too, and he made me want to embrace him. I want to wrap my arms around him badly and tell him it'd be alright, though I know things won't be, 'alright', though I'm actually the one hurting. I exhale shakily. Why do I want to die? I wish there was an easy answer for that. My eyes tears up again and I curse at myself for being so pathetically sensitive. Kai leans in eagerly as I write down my last words for my sentence:
I angrily wipe my eyes as he stares at the paper, and looks away, looking a bit too dazed. I wonder what hes thinking. Not letting him reply, I write down a question,
Why did you save me?
Kai's POV
I don't have to tell you anything, I didn't wish to be saved.
I looked at his response again and I can feel tears spring to my eyes. (Holy , I need to calm down. I'm a man.) I blink rabidly, trying to avoid tears. How can such a perfect boy wish to die? I have so much to learn from this boy..Theres so many secretly to unfold, so many things to discover. And I want to be there for him as he spilled out everything, and comfort him. It'll be alright, Pretty Boy. I will try my best to heal you. I find my voice again, and my face darkens as if I can feel his pain.
"Why?" We've just met but why does my heart ache so much for this Pretty Boy? I want to embrace the life out of him (not literally, I don't want to lose him, again.) and whisper sweet nothings in his ear as the sun sets and rises the next day, him still in my arms. I wish. I wish. Kyungsoo looks like hes upset from what I say and I cringe deep inside. He finally comes up with an answer and it throws me off completely off track:
Theres no reason for me to live.
My heart hurts. I see him harshly wipe his tears as I feel my breathing go uneasy. Don't cry. Don't cry. I grip the arm rest of my chair and I look at the floor, my eyes tearing up. What are these uncalled for feelings? I shouldn't be feeling this. I barely know this boy, but just looking at him miserable makes me want to do anything to make him smile brightly. I wonder what he looks like when he smiles. I bet he'll look twice as beautiful. Is this the feeling...Is this the feeling of love? I mentally shake my head as I use a hand to quickly wipe away my watering eyes. No, can't be. I'm just pitying for this boy. I hear Kyungsoo's pencil scribbling on the piece of paper and he taps the pencil against the paper to get my attention. I slowly look up at him, then the paper:
Why did you save me?
Kyungsoo's POV
"Because I care about you," Kai says. What is that guy thinking? We just met, how can he possibly care about me? Though my brain do not like his comment, my heart is pounding and I can feel my face heat up from flattery. I fumble with my fingers as Kai looks away. My palms start to sweat and I feel my heart pounding in my ears. What is this feeling? My hand trembles as I write, and I can feel my body grow weak. I don't want to feel this way, I swore not to ever since that day. No, I can't let him get a hold of me. I bit my lip as I wrote the my sentence. Bringing up the paper for him to see has my hands tremble, my eyes tearing up:
Go away and don't come back. I don't want to see you ever again. Leave me alone.
I'm a horrible person. I deserve to die.
I'm supposed to feel better pushing him away, but why does it feel as if my heart is being ripped out of my very chest? Why does it feel like I want him to stay, though I can't let him stay? I'm going insane. His head lifts from the ground and his face immediately darkens. He grips the arm rest of his chair very tightly. Did I upset him too much? Was I too harsh? But thats good, then I won't have to see him ever again.
"No," He speaks up. I'm shaken up with his answer. I glare at him, my eye brows knitting together. "I won't leave. You can't make me." I scrunch my nose up from frustration and I frown. What is he talking about? Of course I can make him leave-
"I've waited three ing days to see your face and now that I'm assured that you're alive, I'll be by your side to make sure you won't lost touch with life again. I'm not walking away from you after all of this, you clearly need someone. You can't make me leave, I won't leave!" My fingers curl from anger and my lips press together. Who does this idiot think he is? I scribble on my paper angrily:
Get out!!!
I crumble up the paper into a ball and throw it in his face. Tears roll down my face without me realizing, but I don't care. I grab my pencil and fling it at him. He lets out a yelp and tries to duck as I throw more things. I heave, my face red. I jab my finger towards the door and glare at him, hard. He looks at the door and then looks at me. He gets up and walks over to my bed and lays on the end of it. I scream of frustration mentally as I crawl to him, pounding my fists on his chest. Instead of fighting back, he stares at my eyes, and I slowly stop. We stare at each other in silence and my heart pounds in my chest.
No..No..Not again..
As I try to move away, he pulls me in by my shoulders and I collapse on him, my chest against his. He wraps his arms around me. No..no.. Bad memories of my past flash in my mind and I panic. I don't want to be again! I feel so weak, my body feels numb. Why..me..again? Instead of doing what I expected, he snuggles his head in the crook of me neck and I can feel his hot breath trickling against my skin. Why do I feel so relieved and calm that its him? He leans his mouth close to my ear and blows softly against it. My breath quickens and my sanity kicks in again. I push myself off of him and I swiftly pull on the string for nurse assistance. Waiting for the nurse, I scribble down a good-bye note for Kai and hold it up from him to read:
I'll be fine, I'm okay. I don't need a stranger's pity.
A nurse rushes in and I give her a look, pointing to Kai and the door. She nods and with a dirty look, she drags a shocked Kai out the door as he spews profanities down the hallway. I sigh to myself, as my eyes start watering up. I let out a choked sob.
Its alright, this is how things are supposed to be. For my good.
What good is he anyway?
KAI'S POV
"Because I care about you." I look at Kyungsoo and I can see him squirm uncomfortably. Does that mean he doesn't like me? (But no one can resist THE Ab master, Kai!!) Hes writing again and I look forward to reading it. But as he finishes, his face in a glare as he hold up the paper:
Go away and don't come back. I don't want to see you ever again. Leave me alone.
His writing makes my anger boil. After what I've done for him this is what he says?! My eyebrows knit together and my voice comes out, angry and hurt.
"No." Kyungsoo glares at me and I can see his eyes water up, but my fingers ball into fist, my nails digging into my skin. "I won't leave leave. You can't make me." Something inside explodes and I let out a yell of frustration. Why is it so ing hard to show someone you like them? Why is it so hard to show that you care?
"I've waited three ing days to see your face, and now that I'm assured that you're alive, I'll be by your side to make sure you won't lost touch with life again. I'm not walking away from you after all of this, you clearly need someone. You can't make me leave, I won't leave!" I huff out and I can see Kyungsoo's temper slowly losing it patience. He crumbles the paper into a ball noisily and whips it in my face, I see tears rolling down his cheeks as he finds whatever close to him and throws it at me. With a yelp, I jump from my seat and I duck around, afraid I'll get hit. (I'm not a coward, just afraid of the wrath of Sir Kyungsoo as he throws random things at me.) His face is red and he stops throwing things. (Finally the baby has stop his hissy fit, ha) He glares at me hard, and he jabs a finger at the door. I pretend as if I'm pondering at his command as I look at him then to the door. I stride over to Kyungsoo with a cocky smirk and I lay on the end of his bed. Who says I'm leaving after his little fit? I hear shuffling and then I feel a pair of small fists pounding on my chest. Open up one eye I see a pouting Kyungsoo, trying his hardest to make me leave. (Whoa there Kyungsoo, We didn't even go out yet and we're in bed together. I see how you are..Fine by me, haha.) I smirk slightly and he stops. I don't know if it was just me but, as our eyes connected I felt as if time slowed down. (Pretty damn cliche isn't it? I can't be anymore gay then this. You agree? Guess what, you're wrong.) I suddenly had an urge to cuddle this little ball of trouble. I pull Kyungsoo down by the shoulder and he collapses on me, my chest against his. I feel his breath quicken and he starts to tense up. (Why am I doing this..Why do I feel like I'm committing a crime? But why does it feel so right?) I try assure him, and I snuggle in the crook of his neck, he smells like strawberries. (Strawberries? Strawberries?) We stay like this for awhile and he relaxes, I can feel my heart jump from excitement. (Score for Swag Master Kai, hell yes!!)I teasingly blow into his ear (because I can)But to my disappointment, he pushes himself off of me and shows me a note.
I'll be fine, I'm okay. I don't need a stranger's pity.
My pity? I just saved your ing and this is what I get? My jaw clenches tightly and before I knew what was going on, a nurse comes barging in and Kyungsoo points to me as I sit up. That -I mean Nurse, gives me a homophobic-I mean a dirty look, and the next thing I know it, I'm being dragged out of the ing door. I try putting my weight down and slowing her down but more nurses come to assistance.
Kyungsoo's POV
I bury my head into my pillow. A side of me says, "Why are you doing this, he saved you!" another part of me says,"Why did he save me, I didn't wished to be saved." My tears stain the pillow and with a blurred vision I look at my wrapped wrist, holding in my choked sobs I try to pry off the bandages with my trembling fingers. Suddenly, I hear the door knock and I quickly wipe my tears and my anger boils. Who is it this time? Is it Kai? Why do I feel angry and relieved at the same time if its Kai? The door opens but it isn't Kai, its someone who I least expected, but knew was coming. Father. Our eyes connect and I can feel a very bad vibe from him. My Father has his lips tightly pressed together as he slowly walks towards me, I can feel myself slowly cringing. He gives me a glare and his eyes rake up and down my body, finally landing on my wrist. And before I knew it, his arm raises and turns into a blur, and I can feel my head turns sideways with a stinging pain on my cheek. It lingers, the pain lingers. I raise my trembling fingers to touch my burning red cheek, my body shaking. Tears are stinging my eyes as my Father speaks with a deadly voice.
"Do you realize what you have done? How are we going to afford the hospital and therapy bills, huh? Where the ing hell am I going to find all of that money? I can't just go up to Jongin's Mother and beg. They're rich, but I'm damn straight they aren't going to pity such a pathetic boy. You're even 'lucky' to be found by Jongin. But in this case, you didn't want to be found, did you? You refuse to leave you room, leave the house, and you refuse to learn. You are getting nowhere in life. I didn't work my off for you to slack off! You need to take your responsibly in this household as well! Even if your Mother is gone...That doesn't give one damn reason for you to be sitting around everyday. And because of you, we are soon going to end up on the streets. Would you like that? You'd be satisfied wouldn't you? And now you decide to take you own life? Is this how you try to put an end to things?!" His words are harsh, but what scarred me was what he said last,
"If you think thats a way to put an end of things, then you should have tried earlier..And not have failed."
I let out a choked sob, tears streaming down my face right after my Father slams the door.
Why?
Why am I still alive when no one, not even my own Father cares?
Why am I spared of death when I wish for it?
Why did I wake up when no one loves me?
please,
please give me an answer.
Hello!!! Kyungjuring here, sorry for slow update.. TT
Comments??
Feed back??
Thank you very much! <3
Comments