||Chapter One||

I was still the same in people’s eyes. Still smiling, that is. They still see me as a happy person. But it's my facade. I don’t think my life’s that miserable. I mean, I have friends. I’m quite social if you ask me. It’s just that... I don’t exactly fit in. I don’t exactly feel like myself around them. You know, having to fake what my real emotions are around them and all those. I just don’t want them worried, that’s all.

“Unnie, you’re spacing out again,” Minji pouted at me - the beloved maknae of the group, Gong Minji.

“Mianhae, unnie’s been stressed lately,” I half smiled.

Minji smiled back and continued with her story, “It was daebak, unnie! Like, you should have seen the dance moves oppa showed me. Aigoo... Dongwook oppa is just the coolest!”

“And is in love with Han Byul,” Bom reminded – the 8-Dimensional unnie in our group, Park Bom.

“It’s not like I’m stealing him from Han Byul unnie...” Minji puffed out her cheeks. She’s just too cute.

“Unnie, you’re too quiet,” Chaerin told me – the most fashionable and richest in our group, Lee Chaerin.

What was my role in this group? Well, I’m just the plain looking girl you see. To be honest, there’s nothing special about me.

“Ani, I like hearing you guys talk,” I replied. 

All of them squinted their eyes at me and said, “Spill it, Sandara.”

“It’s nothing, really,” I insisted.

Even after all these years, I’m still not that good at lying. I thought I mastered lying already. But being friends with them for years now, I know they knew me inside and out.

“Show me,” Bom said with much authority in her voice.

My lips trembled before I lifted up my sleeves – my new cuts in their view. I heard them sigh, probably disappointed at what I have done, yet again.

“Unnie, you promised us,” Minji muttered.

“Mianhae...” Was all I could say.

“Why, again?” Chaerin questioned.           

I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say. What to think. Why I did it. All I knew was, it released the pain that was weighing inside my heart. It released my emotions. I was myself. But was I really... I don’t even know. Who am I now anyways? Just Sandara Park, an emotional wreck at your service.  It’s not my entire fault if you ask me... It’s just, how should I put this? Stress? Depression? What are even emotions? I just feel numb to everything nowadays.

“Just because we haven’t been checking up on you doesn’t mean we don’t care, Dara,” Bom lectured, “Yes, we’re busy. But before doing anything stupid, you should at least talk to us so we can help you.”

Stupid... Yep, that’s me, alright. But the thing is, I’m an introvert. I don’t ask people for help – which is one of the things I hate about myself I must say. But then again, what exactly do I love about myself?

“I know, mianhae...” I replied.

“No, unnie,” Minji said, “You’re not sorry. We can’t waste our breath anymore. We want to save you, why can’t you understand that?”

“You know we love you, Dara unnie and we’re trying our best to help you. But how will we know if you’re not okay when you don’t tell us anything?” Chaerin ended.

I just listened to them and bit my lips to stop myself from crying. It’s really becoming a habit – this whole self-harming thing when I feel nothing. I know it’s not healthy but what else can I do? It’s my escape. I don’t want people to become my escape. They’ll all leave me in the end anyways. I’ve come to this set of mind and I don’t even know how. But I really can’t help it anymore. Whenever I feel down... Whenever I feel lost... Whenever I feel numb... I just go for the blade.

I then heard soft sobs around me and noticed that the girls were crying, yet again.

“U-Unnie... we love you, we don’t want to lose you,” Minji said as her lips trembled, trying to stop her tears from coming out.

I couldn’t help it, I let my tears fall and ran to Minji and hugged her. I hate causing pain to the people I love. They shouldn’t feel pain. They should just be happy. But whenever I’m around, they worry. Whenever I’m not around, they still worry. And I just don’t know what to do. I love all of them – Chaerin, Minji and Bommie. And it hurts me and makes me hate myself more whenever I see them cry because of me.

“Mianhae, maknae-yah...” I cried, “Unnie’s been really stupid, mianhae...”

The other girls went to us and we all hugged. Maybe I should just try again. Be seriously happy. Why am I even depressed for? I’ve got the perfect life, don’t I? But I don’t know. I just feel really empty and I don’t know the cause of it.

“Unnie-yah, stay with us, neh?” I heard Minji say and I just nodded.

Days passed ever since my friends saw my new cuts. I didn’t add more, afraid that I will just disappoint them again. Sigh... but what can I do? It’s really tempting. But I’ve come to the decision to try, to not give up. For the sake of my dongsaengs and Bommie.

“Unnie, are you coming?” Chaerin asked me.

I guess I spaced out again, I looked at them and smiled, “Mhm, just a second.”

We were going to meet with the guys and Han Byul since we haven’t seen them ever since we’ve graduated and went our separate ways. Well, in the group... It’s only Bom and I who already graduated from high school while Minji and Chaerin are still in high school. In the guys, Lee Seungri, who was the maknae in their group, was the only one attending high school while the others have graduated.

“I think it’s good that we’ll be meeting the oppas and Han Byul unnie,” Minji noted, “I miss being around them.”

Even after Bom and I graduated, we still contacted and kept in touch with Minji and Chaerin. The other guys became like fogs that we couldn’t see and hang out with anymore. Maybe because they were busy looking for a career and attending university.  But Dongwook and Han Byul still kept in touch and hung out with us from time to time.

I haven’t started attending university yet because well, we can’t afford it as of now. So I’m working to help my parents pay for the tuition fees of my two younger siblings. Not that I’m complaining, but it can be a bit stressful sometimes. But since it’s for younger siblings, I’m willing to stop my world for them just so they’ll have a bright future.

“But I don’t miss Seungri at all,” Chaerin added.

I chuckled, “It’s because you two always see each other at school.”

“Not even that, unnie!” Chaerin replied, “Even if he already graduated, I still won’t miss him!”

In denial.

“Don’t say that!” Bom responded, “You’ll be like our Dalong and Jingyo.”

Dalong... is me. And Jingyo... Well, Kwon Jiyong, my ex-boyfriend. Sigh... I don’t even wanna think or talk about him, it just becomes bothersome. But I can’t deny and lie and say that I don’t miss him... I miss him terribly. But I think it’s better if I just move on from him. I mean, it’s my fault we’re over anyways so what’s the use of moping over it?

I was childish and insecure about our relationship... and maybe, over protective of him. That, I got too jealous when I saw him and my best friend (now ex-best friend) Goo Hye Sun being... well, being them. The sophomore year of high school was the start o