The living room was filled with silence and the salty taste of tears still lingered in the air. The lumber floor he sat on felt strangely familiar and brought back nearly forgotten memories. Somehow he always found himself on parquet when something drastically changed.
The audition, when he met the others the first time, the endless vocal lessons, hot blood filming, the hell room for the acrobatic training, their dorms, the new practice room in which Junho had his accident; and it was a timber floor Wooyoung dropped down and collapsed when Jay had left the country.

He always liked wooden floors, unlike stone it felt warm being on it and if the cleaning lady hadn’t taken the extra strong perfumed detergent it was even possible to get a hint of a woody scent. If anyone knew how parquet smelled like it probably was him, because he was pretty sure that he wasted half of his lifetime spent on floors. Not that he really minded since he found the floor quite cosy. It let your temper calm down and brought your mind back, somehow grounded and safe. Or maybe he was the only one feeling so, the others always told him he had an outstanding weird way of seeing things. It was part of the reason why he chose to study psychology, he wanted to learn more about his thoughts, and learn new ways to think about how to think.

Now he was pressed against the very same spot they sat together yesterday, cuddling against each other while quietly deliberating what they were supposed to do next. Since the schedules from today on got all cancelled he had nothing else to do anyway. They already went once to a similar situation together; therefore he wasn’t as terrified as he might have been back then. What he feared most wasn’t the dropping popularity, not a damaged image, not the anti’s madness, not even the end of his career. No, Chansung dreaded to lose him.

Nichkhun is a person who always needs a lot more time to like people and it takes forever until he feels ready to trust them. He was friendly and kind, but he never carelessly let people slip into his heart. Maybe because Nichkhun learned at a young age that the world around him didn’t want to meet the boy behind the perfect face.

His reliance issue became even worse when he figured out that the people he trusted the most couldn’t understand him anymore. He became a stranger to his own family and he couldn’t even blame them. The unvarnished truth was that he rarely spent time together with his real family anymore. If he wasn’t busy recording advertisement or guested in one of the dozen variety shows, he was with his second testosterone-filled family.
It came as a shock to the family caring and loving man that they had alienated from each other. Sometimes everything crushed down on the Thai, and all he wanted was someone neutral he could talk about the rollercoaster of feelings he always has to suppress.
But once he had entrusted Nichan about his inappropriate attraction towards a member and eventually realized it. The glint of incomprehension in Nichan’s eyes revealed him.
He

It was his own fault, he should have known that of course Nichan wasn’t able to sympathize with him. No one that hadn’t the same experience could get what it meant to be always together for 24 hours straight seven days a week. People you first barely knew, you were supposed to be in daily repeating competition getting better than the others leaving them behind. At the same time you also should go along well with everyone, helping them out because you couldn’t know who may end up in a group with you and fights were strictly forbidden. No time to release pressure, no time to meet others outside, no time and space to give each other the distance and privacy they needed.

Being in Korea was different and calling it a culture shock would be an understatement. Honestly the first months he felt like he was drowning, he couldn’t grape or find anything familiar, and always if he thought to catch his breath there was something else that unexpectedly pulled him down. The tension between trainees and even teachers was thick and electrically. It didn’t need much for anyone to snap out, and it was a daily routine that someone lost his temper and got kicked out, some of them would come back later when they calmed down and some of them were never to be seen again. Finding friends between rivals was already pretty hard. Especially if you couldn’t talk nor express yourself properly and your only skill, between a bunch of really talented people which trained there for years, was a handsome face. Of course they had to think of him as a narcistic arrogant bastard. Proving otherwise was rather impossible if you stick to the same people and talk in a language no one else could speak. Naturally they laughed about the weird Korean habits or things they couldn’t understand. Admittedly it wasn’t the best thing they did, since it must have looked like they made fun of them.

The misunderstandings mostly were explained by Taecyeon who became a teacher, translator, and a friend to Jay and him. But unlike Jay, Nichkhun had to depend on Taecyeon and he always hated to rely on others.

But then he came, and Nichkhun would never forget those huge pleading eyes. To Nichkhun he wasn’t a stranger, he had seen him often observing Jay’s dance skills and openly stare at him. It was just the last boy he thought that would have wanted to be friends with him. To be honest he didn’t like that boy back then, too naive and subtle. How could he blindly idolize Jay so much? Without noticing he became almost like a shadow following them around like a lost puppy. It took some days till he had gathered enough courage to speak, but once he did Nichkhun felt like he never stopped anymore. Because even though he obviously liked Jay the most it was him he spoke to. In this language Nichkhun couldn’t cope with and he felt annoyed and angry. How could anyone be this disrespectful and rude toward a foreign person that was obvious at loss?

Years later he would realize how wrong he was. It was simply Chansung’s way to include him, making him familiar with the language he needed to learn and understand. He tried to help him with explaining everything and anything the easiest way he knew and could. He also learned that no one really could tell what Chansung was thinking neither did they understand his way of seeing things.
Nichkhun soon started to be attracted by Chansung’s uniqueness and he found himself loving it anyway. It doesn’t always need to be reasonable to see the things differently; sometimes the difference was just right.

If it wasn’t for Jay, Chansung would have probably never become that y strong beast he is known for now. Like an unwritten parchment he watched him for hours, absorbing everything up Jay was willing to teach the tall, back then really slim and a bit clumsy boy.

Thinking back at those days always let Nichkhun’s heart ache. He sometimes regretted the remodeling Chansung’s which was necessary for him to be a part of 2PM. But the costs where huge and too early he lost a huge part of himself. Once it shyly dared to show Nichkhun was ready to pull it out and to protect it; the inner child and innocents of their Maknae. He missed those days, but he wouldn’t stop guarding the pureness of his kind hearted beast.

It was the second day after his drunk and drive incident. And most of the 2PM members tried to busy themselves with something to overcome this crisis. They knew out of experience that everyone needed their space now to calm down and think about a solution, think about themselves, their goals and their lives. Everyone but Nichkhun, he graved for company and still didn’t want to see anyone since he felt like a failure.

Yesterday when they were curled together in the living room, talking about the matter and what they should do. Everyone told him not to worry, that they would stick together no matter what, promising not even to think about a sub group. Yet he was alone. Nichkhun knew better than to trust not because he hadn’t faith in his brothers but because he knew how scary the industry they worked in could be. JYP Entertainment really needed a comeback and it wouldn’t be easy to withstand the pressure. Nichkhun was scared because words were easily spoken but hard to be kept. Everyone had a weak point and would break if the JYP would hit them at right spot.

Substantiated since he had seen it already back than with Jay.

Eat or be eaten.

A rope of anxious and fear tightened around Nichkhun’s throat leaving him breathless and choking. Probably because he couldn’t cry anymore since all his tears were already used yesterday. But still there was this feeling of wanting to cry, and he even got hic up because he was so upset with himself and his emotions. He couldn’t remember if he ever felt so miserable that he wanted to crawl into his mother’s lap or even wished never to be born.

Just then when he thought he couldn’t bear this self-destructive pain any longer the door cracked open. For a short moment his heart stopped beating and he wasn’t able to catch one of the billions of thoughts that span through his head. He wanted to hide, to run away, to scream, he was never ever so scared.

“I’m in the mood for badminton today. You wanna join me…?
We could grab something to eat on the way to gym.”

Nichkhun only could blink at his Maknae, had he lost his mind?

 “What if any citizens are spotting us?”
His voice was hoarse and weak.

 “They will misunderstand, saying I wouldn’t take it seriously!”
Pulling himself together because he wanted to make his point clear. How could he be so unwary?

“You can’t sit here in your room forever. Blaming yourself and starving doesn’t help anyone either. It’s good to reflect things and taking them seriously but regretting won’t change anything. You need some distance now to see things clear again and if badminton doesn’t help to come back to your senses, a full stomach will. Eating deliciously is always satisfying, or at least it makes me happy.”
Chansung tried to convince him as cutely as possible.

“We could eat at home as well.”
Nichkhun countered.

“True but I feel like I need some distance to this place, the air is sticky and filled with negative thoughts. Let’s go out Hyong!”

“Why do you want me to join?”

“Just because … I want to be with you, and food doesn’t taste half as good if I have to eat by myself.”

Nichkhun didn’t really felt like smiling, but his lips turned upwards without his permission when he saw Chansung’s sweet pout and his pleading eyes.

“Sounds as if you need someone to pay for you.”

“NO!”

Chansung strongly objected that idea as if it was the most ridiculous thing Nichkhun ever said.

Though Chansung didn’t pay often for meals, but Nichkhun never minded he enjoyed pampering him.

Crouching down to be on an eye level with Nichkhun he mumbled softly only for them both to be heard.

“I will never let go of your hand Khunnie. I prefer being a gym owner on my own with you on my side, than being in a 2PM without you.”

The sudden seriousness caught Nichkhun off guard. It made him shiver and tears he thought he hadn’t anymore started to gather in the corner of his eye. It were huge warm drops that slowly rolled down his cheeks, but with every drop that fell to the ground the pain finally started to ease.

Chansung smiled oh so softly at him while carefully caressing away the wet streams that refused to leave his skin.

“Let’s go and destroy some shuttlecocks Hyung.”

Of course it had to be Chansung, being so soothing and so confusing for Nichkhun at the same time. But when he was completely honest to himself he really could need some distraction now.

“Let’s go then… But don’t tell me I hadn’t warned you if you don’t stay a chance.
There is a reason why Taecyeon doesn’t wanna play with me anymore”

“I’m not Taecyeon, because I know I will learn it. Someday.”

The main reason Nichkhun never felt like going back to Thailand when the incidence happened, wasn’t his fears, wasn’t s, wasn’t the fans or his duty.

It was because the word family didn’t pull at his heartstrings anymore. He knew he could always count on his mother’s support, even though she would scold him before. It was his fault and his wrong doing after all. But he was too old to run away and hide, even though he really wanted to. Or maybe he wasn’t, it was just that the comfort he used to find in his mother’s lap as a child wasn’t there, but in a bear-like brotherly hug which became way too familiar over the years. Home isn’t where you were born; home is where even the sweaty scent that let your nose cringe in disgust becomes loveable. And you feel protected and are understood no matter which language you speak.

“I love you Hwang Chansung.”

“I know but don’t think I’m going easy on you and oh yeah the winner has to pay for the food Hyung!”

He added cheerfully and as Nichkhun was about to protest how unfair the bet conditions where he got the sweetest pout a fully grown man ever could do. It was then when he realized he never had a real chance not to fall for him. Maybe some day … he would find the courage to tell him that there was more behind those words than brotherly joking.

“I won’t forget my credit card then…”

“Now I love you too Hyung ~
How ‘bout we go and eat Shiolin … or Samgyupsal?”

“Didn’t you say we will order take out?”

“Ohh …. Right ….”
He probably tried to hide his disappointment but he failed horribly.

The door behind the two closed and the dorm became silent once more.

It doesn't matter what will happen in future, as long these hands keep holding each other.