A day in Phoenix City

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Description

This is a story for my friend's birthday
I hope you like it dongsaeng XD

 

Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday dear Nana,
Happy Birthday to you! 

 

 

The story idea is also thanks to Annyong, she inspired me, so she gets the credit too :)

 

Foreword

 

My day is stressful enough, I have university to think about, homework, my friends....now another friend from England is visiting! 
ARGH Why do I keep doing this to myself....
If I am late she will not let me forget it!!! 
At least it can't get any worse...right? 

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Comments

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Amalya #1
Chapter 1: Okay, so this will be sort of a bullet format of responses in progression with the story. lol I found sticky notes on my comp! hehe
- Be careful with your then vs than. There are a couple places where you use one when you should use the other.
- I love the way you account for ESL translation in speech. Beautiful!
- Also a great use of caps for Seungri yelling. Love it! That was a perfect execution of all capital letters. ^_^
- Not a big deal but after "Yes, South Korea," for the description I would recommend adding a comma to delineate if he suddenly said something or suddenly stood, though I'm guessing it's the latter. haha
- Be careful with repetition of the same word in the same sentence. I think the one I caught was 'hand' when she was obsessing over Seunghyun's hand and holding it. lol
- I love the mental commentary of Nana's though. You definitely don't have to wonder what she's thinking or anything like that and it helps to move the story along nicely. Her mental spazzing moments are incredibly entertaining too!
- The characterizations of the idols is entirely believable too. Seungri the flirt and Seunghyun the unflappable, always composed masculine figure! Though it's obvious he's got a soft spot for Nana. hehe Seungri to is ridiculous in a good way. Jess definitely comes off as a troll when she's with him.
- I'm dying at Seungri and Jess' antics. Those two are just like peas in a pod. >.> hehe
- Watch your comma placement as well.
- Holy crap! Jess is a devious wench too. Goodness me.
- I love the way that you explain Seunghyun as he is behind the scenes but I hesitate to follow along whole heartedly because it feels odd he would divulge such information to an almost total stranger. Granted, they do seem to have a pretty good relationship beginning so far but yeah.

(cont in comments...)
ShimizuTheShizzShota #2
Chapter 1: Awwww so cute >_<
parknana #3
Chapter 1: kyaaaa~~~ i love it... you did it in Warsaw hahah and and.... whaaa.... so cute.... thank you so much unnie!
-Tigress- #4
Chapter 1: OMO spazzing so hard right now I LOVED it!!!! *and I feel a litte bad cos it's not for me and I am loving it so mcuh LOL*

Great present, babe <3
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