title : as long as the music plays, dance

pairing : kaichen

disclaimer : hipster quotes from murakami's.

 

“You’ve lost so much that now you can see us.”

Sheep Man in Haruki Murakami’s Dance Dance Dance.

 

 

 

Jongdae felt like crying, but then again, that was what he did.

He cried, and cried, and cried.

He broke out into an all out sobs and whimpers. Clutching his chest and weeping the misery out of him. It wasn’t pretty even for some people who find sorrow a sick enticement. It was a rather pathetic display of the human soul’s limit burst and walls broken down.

Jongdae knew he looked pathetic; kneeling in front of that little bump of earth where he had just put his cat, ChenChen for his eternity slumber on his dirt bed, accompanied by only the lord of darkness in his earth tomb, but Jongdae couldn’t have cared less.

He had woken up that morning to ChenChen curled up in the corner of his kitchen, next to the fridge. His body felt like a doll’s; cold and rigid. A shell of something greater that’s gone. A host used and abandoned and left behind before finally, forgotten.

Jongdae didn’t cry then, not then but as he shovelled the last of the dirt and stared at his dead cat’s grave, something inside him went off. It didn’t start slow but instead it went for the killing shot first time round and it hit nerve, hard.

Sometimes a person’s emotions are like metronomes; with the slightest flick, the beat changes and everything goes havoc. There are times when one little thing will do the trick and for Jongdae, it is ChenChen’s death that sent his metronome of emotions off the steady beat and compromising rhythm and like a tidal wave, Jongdae was slowly but surely drowning in his own feelings.

A lot has happened in Jongdae’s life the last autumn. In the time when the leaves lost their life, browning and decaying before finally fading off into something utterly insignificant under the crush and steps of people’s boots, Jongdae lost a lot, a whole lot but not his life. Another’s life that is as significant as his own. But instead of fading away like the leaves, Jongdae retrieved himself into the cocoon of his apartment and cut away all ties with the outside world with only ChenChen as his sole company.

Every call from Kyungsoo went to voicemail.

Every knocks on the door from Baekhyun went unheard and unanswered.

Jongdae lost so many things and he let himself be lost.

 

 

 

‘That’s that.’ Jongdae thought, taking a deep breath and steadying the turmoil in his heart before throwing the shovel into a corner of his storeroom, ‘Back to society.’

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The first place Jongdae went to was a coffee shop he really likes and the first person he met was Jongin.

“Hyung.”

Jongdae took a deep breath and closed his eyes for the briefest second when he saw the worries shadowed and hidden deep inside the younger’s brown orbs. Jongin covered it pretty well with the surprised expression on his face, decorated with a happy and easy smile. Finally seeing Jongdae after six months was a pleasant surprise, much too pleasant to be honest.

 When Jongdae opened his eyes again Jongin had already made his way from across the place to stand in front of him. How he managed to do that so quickly when Jongdae was so sure he had closed his eyes for a really short time was truly a mystery but looking up Jongin’s face then he had finally realised how he had missed him. How he had missed the younger’s height towering next to him like that. How he had missed his presence, his company. How he had missed Jongin.

Jongin was looking at him with obvious sadness in his eyes that Jongdae tried to ignore but found it hard to do since he was standing in front of him and staring him down.

After a while, Jongdae managed a broken smile and a whispered, “Hi.”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It all happened so suddenly, like when you watch a really good movie and you are afraid to blink. Scared that if you do then you might miss something really big and important that you might want to tell your friends later.

Maybe that was what happened. Jongdae blinked and suddenly he found himself outside the coffee shop being dragged away on the wrist by Jongin and missed something important in the story because Jongdae didn’t know why and where Jongin was taking him to.

Then Jongdae swore he blinked again because one minute they were still walking but then the next they were both standing in a room of mirrors.

Jongdae had never been to a room like this where the four walls are not really walls but instead mirrors and the floor was light and smooth but knowing better of it and knowing Jongin, Jongdae knew the room is a dance room.

Jongdae was left standing in the middle of the room while Jongin was bent over something that looked like a stereo. When Jongin straightened up and walked over to where Jongdae was, music suddenly started playing and Jongin smiled at Jongdae before taking both his hands.

“You know how to dance, hyung?”

 Jongdae’s forehead wrinkled because really, what are the odds of inviting someone that had lost so much and gone missing for half a year to dance?

But confusion aside, Jongdae shook his head to Jongin’s question.

Jongin flashed him another smile, bright and charming. “Dance with me, hyung.”

Jongdae shook his head again, but this time with emphasis so fervently that he almost felt dizzy. “I don’t know how to dance.”

It came out quiet and stuttered but Jongin heard it nonetheless.

“Just dance, hyung. Don’t think why and don’t think how. Just dance.”

 When Jongdae still refused, Jongin let go of his hands and a quiet sigh before walking a good distance away from Jongdae. When he was satisfied, he turned around to face Jongdae and started dancing goofily.

It was so bad it was horrifying to watch and not the sort of dancing a dance student would be caught death with but Jongin was determined. He continued swaying his arm back and forth and with the way he crouched with legs apart, he looked like a gorilla and Jongdae laughed at that.

A small breathy laugh but lively, so alive.

It sounded foreign and far away, a laugh from a character in a show that you had watched when you were little but familiar and comforting at the same time in a way only childhood memories and home cooked meals could pull off and Jongdae liked the sound of it so he laughed harder, longer until tears pricked his eyes.

Jongin smiled, satisfied and came back to pulling his hyung to dance along with him and to his relief Jongdae compiled.

They spent minutes just like that, with Jongin dancing goofily just to bring out that beautiful laugh from Jongdae and Jongdae dancing alongside Jongin, carefree and freely with no consciousness ever eventhough Jongin’s dancing usually bring down the self esteem in most people but right then and there, it was just the two of them.

Jongdae had almost doubled over in laughter from laughing too much when suddenly the music changed into a soft ballad and Jongdae found himself being pulled into Jongin’s embrace and snuggled close to the younger one and Jongdae could feel Jongin’s breath at the side of his ear. It had been a while since Jongdae felt the warmness from the company of another human being so he couldn’t help himself but leaned in.

They continued for a while like that with Jongin slowly Jongdae’s hair and swaying their bodies side to side in rhythm to the slow tempo of the song before Jongin quietly spoke up.

“I’m sorry for what happened to Junmyeon-hyung.”, Jongdae tensed at the mention of his late lover that lost his life on a hospital’s bed with Jongdae clutching his hands as if for dear life on an autumn evening.

Jongin took a deep breath and pulled Jongdae closer. “You lost things, hyung. Lots of precious things and it’s nobody’s fault, especially yours. I know Junmyeon-hyung meant a lot more to you than just the love of your life but each time you lost something, you dropped a whole string of things with it, hyung including me. Now why did you have to go and do that?”

Jongdae shook his head softly at that, knowing that Jongin wanted an answer but although he didn’t get one Jongin carried on while continuing with Jongdae’s hair because Jongin knew he was crying.

“You lost things, so you’re lost. You lost your way. Your connections come undone. You got confused, think you got no ties, but hyung ..”

Jongin pulled Jongdae away and cupped his face, tenderly wiping away the strayed tears. He made Jongdae looked him in the eyes and when Jongdae did, he continued, “But I’m here for you. I’ll tie the loose knots, I’ll keep you anchored, be the one place where you will forever belong and I’ll be your music, hyung and as long as the music plays, dance. You have got to dance. As long as the music plays, as long as I’m here with you, you have got to dance. Starts to think and your feet will stop. Your feet stops, we get stuck. We get stuck, you’re struck. So don’t pay any mind, no matter how dumb, no matter how much your feet screams or your back hurts, you have to keep the steps. You have to loosen what you’ve bolted down.”

Jongin removed his hands from Jongdae’s face and rested them on his neck before slowly leaning in and pulling Jongdae towards him.

The kiss was earnest and brief and Jongdae was surprised that he was not one bit disturbed by it or had fought it. He let it be because somehow he knew that it was meant to be. How natural it was.

When Jongdae opened his eyes again and looked into Jongin’, his brown orbs were twinkling and Jongdae found himself falling the tiniest bit in love again.

“I love you, hyung. I had always. Always love you for a long time but when I saw you with Junmyeon I thought to myself that I can live day by day even if I don’t have you cause you were smiling and you looked so happy, hyung. But now you’re lost and I don’t want that so I’ll guide you. Listen to the music. My music and let it guides you ..”

“And as long as the music plays, dance.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

yup yup yup

is anybody up for a xiuhan next

or maybe a kaisoo.

anyone? anyone?