Forgiveness, she has understood now, is probably the most noble and most beautiful thing a person could give to another person. It takes every piece of your being and rips it to shreds until you’re left with nothing but light, and the freedom to move on from the shackles of whatever it was that was holding you back.

She realized, too, that it was probably easier to love. Or to hate, should she choose to cross that thin line.

In the lull moments from when she encountered Jung Yong Hwa again, she found herself thinking about him. It didn’t help that he made himself as visible to her as he possibly can. There wasn’t a day that she didn’t catch him dropping by the foundation with the purpose of, as she was informed by Bo A, making everything about their partnership run smoothly. It delighted her boss, the prospect of gaining another citation from the United Nations and, possibly, a larger grant from the government looming just ahead of them.

Although she was thankful of what his presence and support means for their foundation, it was like torture for her. His mere existence slowly knocks down the protective wall she has built around her heart brick by brick and she was torn between running back into his arms again and hating everything that he represented.

She rationalized with herself that she has every right to hate him, making her hold on for five long years with nothing but a promise but, she knew that she has no reason to hate him because in those five years, she also chose to stubbornly hold on to that promise.

So, rather than feeling helpless and moping around, she began her arduous journey to forgive him, to forgive herself and forgive that five years that she loved him so faithfully.

-

It was in the middle of summer when she had crossed paths with him once more after the event she arranged for him last winter. The air was curiously cool and light when she was jolted awake in their office library by a warm breath fanning her face. She opened her eyes to the sleeping form of Yong Hwa, his head cushioned by a couple of books and his face turned towards her.

She wondered how long he must have been watching her– if he had been watching her– for him to fall asleep like that. Given that he was already sleeping, she allowed herself the freedom to study his face as she slowly laid her head back on the table again.

Ever so slowly, she let her eyes travel all over his face, noticing the dark skin under his eyes and, the small wrinkles that had begun to form at the corners of his eyes. She felt tears burn her eyes as the question that she had asked herself ever since she saw him again begun to form inside her mind: how hard his life must have been that even after they escaped that he aged so rapidly.

However, the image of him saving them that night was already etched deep inside her heart and, to her eyes he still looked as lovely as the fairy tale prince in her imagination. Her eyes softened as she recalled those memories and she knew that it wasn’t out of gratefulness that she fell in love with him. It was because he was him and he came just at the right moment in her life. She wondered for a second if she can fall in love with another person after she knew him, after he opened her world to love.

Joo Hyun was so deep in her reflection that she was startled when she felt his hand wrap around hers, their fingers interlocking almost automatically. She tried to free her hand from him when she felt her soul come back to her body, but his hold was firm, his warmth transferring to her, flowing steadily through her veins.

“Joo Hyun-ah,” her eyes travelled back to his face and saw that he still has his eyes closed, “you know, I’ve always dreamed about holding your hand like this, but when I do, I stop myself because I felt so guilty about leaving you behind. I never wanted to, but I was terrified of you.”

Her eyes widened at the revelation and she could feel her heart hammering wildly in her chest. Terrified, her thoughts echoed the word he used, how can he be terrified of someone like her? She waited for him to talk again, feeling that she was holding her breath as she waited for him to continue.

“I don’t know how you can make me feel things so intensely. Every time I wanted to see you, I had to stop myself because I know I can never ever leave your side.” His eyes opened and her heart ached while he looked at her with those sad, sad eyes.

“But you left, still,” her voice was shaking with emotions she didn’t dare spill out in front of him. Not now, not when she was choosing to finally hear his side of the story.

He looked away for a moment and when he settled his eyes back on her, it was shining with unshed tears and she felt her heart ache some more. “I had nothing to offer you. I had no family, no job and, no identity. I had nothing for you, but that promise.”

Her eyes followed the trail of tears that finally escaped his eyes, falling sideward down on the table. She knew what he was talking about, she, too, had felt misplaced when she finally realized the freedom that was granted to her but, she had her sister to give her strength to push forward and, she would have wanted to be there while he discovered what he needs to be.

“I was so confused the day I was released from the service. I wanted to see you but,” he paused and released a shaky breath, “It was that day when Joo Ae was brought to the hospital again and I didn’t want to add to your burden. You didn’t need an old broken soldier–“

She tugged at his hand, cutting off what he was supposed to say, “but, you could have comforted me, you could’ve been there to be my strength.”

His smile was sad and his tears continued trickling down and she could feel her own tears pricking her eyes. “How could I? When I don’t even have strength in myself?”

And at that moment, she felt her tears fall from her eyes. He was hurting, more than she probably imagined and he was too concerned for her to think that what he was doing was hurting both of them. She knew she was selfish to think about her welfare, but he too, was being selfish by not sharing his burden with her. Everything that happened between them was their own selfishness in trying to chase their happiness when all they could have done was find happiness in each other.

But, she understood him.

She sat up straight, urging him to face her fully forward and when he did, she took both of his hands and clutched them tightly, hoping to transfer all of her energy to him.

“I love you.”

He looked at her wide-eyed, probably surprised by the revelation that she does love him.

“I always have and I probably always will,” she closed her eyes for the briefest second, letting the heavy warmth of her tears flow out of her eyes, “but I don’t know who this Jung Yong Hwa who’s in front of me now. I think that’s it my turn to be terrified now, because even if I still want to love you, I might just in love with a phantom.” She then, released her hold on his hands.

A heavy air hung between them as she paused to collect herself. And when Joo Hyun was just about ready to decide that she was going to let him go, Yong Hwa reached for her hands again, this time, holding it more tightly than before.

“I want to say that ‘I’m still the same person who fell in love with you 5 years ago’ just to convince you to be with me now, but we both know that we’ll just be fooling ourselves with that. I’m not the same and, you are not the same. But,” his voice turned steadier and his eyes locked into hers, making her feel that he was looking into her soul, “all I know is I’m still in love with you– the memory of you all those years ago and the you now, who have grown so beautifully.”

His fingers reached out to her face to trace the track where her tears have fallen, “I want to believe that we can be forever, Joo Hyun-ah. I will wait, I will work hard and, I will treat you a million times better. You made me the happiest person when I realized that you still held on to our promise and I’m asking you to please still have faith in me now.”

Though she has made up her mind that she was going to forgive him, doubt surged into her, reminding her of all the awful feelings of hurt and of loneliness she has felt over the past years that he wasn’t with her. She wanted to believe him, oh, she wanted to so badly, but she found that it harder to let go of all the pent up emotions she kept all those years.

As if sensing her troubles, she saw Yong Hwa reach out his hand to touch her cheek.

“Please,” was the only thing he said before she pulled away and stared intently at his eyes.

She let her eyes roam on his face again, trying to read his sincerity and, when she was satisfied, she gave him a sad smile, “So I will ask that one thing from you.”

She saw him visibly tense, probably thinking that this wasn’t how it was supposed to go when he imagined it, if ever he did plan to spill out his confession like this to her. Though she felt sorry, she knew that things cannot change in a snap of a finger. Things were suddenly going too fast for her and her heart needed to be sure of what it wanted.

Yong Hwa nodded, waiting for her to go on.

“Give me time,” she noted the confusion growing on his face so she went on, “give me time to process everything that is happening. We’ve done everything on impulse before and now… and now, I want to be sure that you won’t be leaving me again. I want to be sure of this, of us.”

She saw him nod in understanding and she steeled her emotions, trying not to let the niggling thought that she might be doing the wrong thing. She needed to trust herself and she needed to trust him again. And if this was the way to make it right, no matter how hard it was for either of them, it had to be done.

With one last smile, she stood up and collected her things, “I hope that we are right about each other.” And with that, she turned to leave the library.

_

Joo Hyun busied herself that Saturday, trying to throw all thoughts about Yong Hwa out her mind. It has been a couple of weeks since she last heard from him and more negative thoughts began worming into her mind.

Was she right about her doubts? That he would run away from her again? She shook her head and scrubbed the tiles of her kitchen counter harder. Her ministrations were interrupted by the sound of the door bell; she paused, thinking if she expected anybody that day. No one ever comes to visit her, except for Mi Young and Jong Hyun or Min Hyuk but, almost always, they would just barge in unannounced and make themselves comfortable in her home.

Her hand froze at the door jamb, her heartbeat pulsating rapidly as the thought of who was waiting at the other side. She wasn’t ready to face him again. She wondered briefly if she would ever be ready to face him again– much as it had conflicted with her feeling of missing him so terribly just a few moments before.

Slowly, she pulled the door open and was greeted by a tall man carrying a large box. She felt her heart drop, realizing that she did want it to be Yong Hwa waiting there. She shook her head, dispelling thoughts of disappointment and put a small smile on her face.

“Yes?” she looked at the man with curiosity.

He greeted her with a warm smile, “Is this where Seo Joo Hyun lives?”

“May I know why you are looking for her?” She stalled for time, wondering why this stranger was seeking her.

“Ah, I’m Lee Jung Shin,” the man smiled widely, “and I’m here to deliver some things to her.”

Her brows knitted together, this was a first, a delivery man introducing himself and, quite honestly, Joo Hyun’s curiosity was peaked. “But, I did not order anything.” Her eyes widened for a bit and she almost slapped herself for letting it slip that she was the one he was looking for.

She saw Jung Shin hesitate for a moment before breaking once again into an even wider smile. For a second, she became afraid and wished that Mi Young or Jong Hyun was with her. Her eyes darted towards the door next to hers, praying that someone would come out. Her thoughts were cut short when she heard him speak again.

“Daebak. Yong Hwa hyung wasn’t kidding when he said that you are very, very pretty.”

Her eyes blinked rapidly, not trusting what she has heard, “Excuse me?”

“Ah, this,” he handed her the box, “Yong Hwa hyung asked me to deliver this to you. I don’t know what’s inside, though I can assure you that it’s safe. Probably.”

“O-okay,” she received the box and placed it on the floor behind her, “do I need to sign anything?”

He waved his hand, signaling that it was alright, “I’m just here to hand that to you, hyung also said that he’s apologizing that he can’t give it in person because he’s in Jeju for a conference. His publicists have been bugging him for months to get on with that but he always waved it off, saying that he’s busy in Seoul. Now, I get why. If I were him, I’d rather stay in Seoul, too. Why would anyone want to leave you alone, right?”

Despite her bewilderment, she let out a soft laugh. This man was very amusing, with all the big hand gestures accompanying his monologue, “I wouldn’t really know now, would I?”

Jung Shin smiled sheepishly, “I was rambling. Sorry about that, I tend to do it a lot.”

“If it’s not too much, can I know what your relation is to Yong Hwa?” She asked him, her niggling curiosity from before can’t be ignored anymore.

“Ah, that,” she watched him scratch the back of his head, “I’m friends with him, we were in the same unit when we served for the military service. And,” he paused briefly to pick on a non-existent lint on his light jacket, showing his uncertainty, “Yong Hwa hyung said that you might kill me for this, but I figured that I might as well tell you now, I’m the one who sent him away to the United States. It’s probably my fault that he hasn’t come to see you for so long.” He looked down, as if asking for forgiveness.

Joo Hyun, by now, was totally intrigued. She had wanted to know about what happened with Yong Hwa all those years that he disappeared and now, an opportunity presented itself, literally, at her doorstep.

“Do you have time?” She saw him release a breath, “Can I ask you some questions about Yong Hwa?”

He shrugged his shoulders in assent, “Sure, why not? It’s not like I’ll be busy since hyung left me here in Seoul to run his errands. But then again, I’d rather be here than fake-smile my way around those hangers-on in Jeju. Fame is an interesting thing.”

She smiled at him and opened her door wider, inviting him inside.

-

When they were finally settled in her living room, she regarded him with obvious interest while sipping her juice. It was a relief for her to discover that Yong Hwa wasn’t living in complete desolation while he was in his self-imposed exile from her. Jung Shin seemed to be the type of person who’d be like a bursting ray of sunshine to anyone who knows him.

“What would you like to know, Joo Hyun-ssi?” his voice cut through her musings.

She set her glass down and sat up straighter, like she was bracing herself for a slew of revelations that she wasn’t sure she was prepared to know, “Can you tell me Yong Hwa’s story?” She noticed that his eyebrow cocked a bit at her question and she hurried to explain herself, “I would’ve wanted to know the story from Yong Hwa, but I somehow doubt that he’ll totally be straight with me. I think it’s going to be better if I get it from someone close to him.”

Jung Shin drank a bit from his glass before he nodded in understanding, “I think you would’ve figured out by now that Yong Hwa has told me things about you. And, yes, he did… a lot of times, actually. You were all he thought about all these years that I’ve known him.”

He paused for a moment and Joo Hyun guessed that it was to let that statement sink into her. She gave him a nod, signaling for him to go on.

“I met hyung during his conscription. He was quite a popular person in the base camp because he came from the North. It was quite unusual that someone from there to enlist immediately, much more someone from their military force. So, you can just imagine how interested everyone was about him,” Jung Shin chuckled dryly, “Yong Hwa hyung hated every moment of it.”

She leaned forward a little, already absorbed in their storytelling session. She hung on every word that came out from Jung Shin’s mouth, wanting to fill in the blanks their 5-year separation robbed from them.

Jung Shin leaned back on the couch and stretched out his long legs in front of him, as if readying himself for the long afternoon that was ahead of them, “Hyung is a very private person and that’s just a euphemism for 'he didn’t really like talking to anybody',” at that, they both laughed a little, “We all knew that he was a special person and there was nothing ordinary with his enlistment. Though he signed up early, he joined us a couple of months late for the training. I knew from hyung that he went through some kind of debriefing with the high ranking people and I didn’t press on anymore because it seemed like he didn’t want to talk about it. Up until now, he doesn’t talk about it.”

He took a drink of his juice before he went on, “As expected, he underwent training with perfect military expertise. It became a running joke in our camp to lock Yong Hwa hyung whenever there are lady visitors because he’s too good to be true- handsome, intelligent, hardworking and most of all,” Jung Shin grinned mischievously at her, “broody.”

Joo Hyun felt the corner of her eyes crinkling into a smile. She felt Yong Hwa was really lucky to have Jung Shin by his side. From the few minutes that she knew him, she knew that Jung Shin have managed to break through the barriers Yong Hwa has stubbornly kept around him.

“I don’t remember exactly how he and I became close since he mostly kept to himself. We just shared the same quarters, he on the bottom bunk and I on the top. I think it started when this other guy- Lee Joon- had his guitar brought in one day. That was the day when we first heard him sing. His voice was so sad singing this song we don’t know and we just kind of agreed to teach him more current songs, you know, like Seo Taiji and the Boys. Then afterwards, we all just kinda stuck together and hyung began opening up to us.

I remember this one time when Joon hyung got some photos of SES and were trying to desperately hide them from the other guys. He came inside the quarters and presented Yong Hwa hyung a pretty photo of Eugene- ah, the goddess Eugene, everyone wanted her photo- but hyung-ie refused it and said that he doesn’t need it,” Jung Shin slapped his knee and was laughing at the remembrance, “oh, you can just imagine how much we . I asked him if there’s any goddess more beautiful that Eugene and you know what he said?” He looked at her, mirth twinkling in his eyes, “Mine is.”

Joo Hyun felt blood rush to her face and she had to cup her cheeks to keep herself steady. It was obvious that Yong Hwa was pertaining to her, unless he had a secret lover that she didn’t know anything about, but something in her made her confident that it was, indeed, her.

Jung Shin gave her a toothy smile before he continued, “That was also the day we knew about a goddess called Seo Joo Hyun.”

She gave out a small squeak, utterly embarrassed now, “Please… uh... continue,” she said when she noticed that Jung Shin was teasing her.

The afternoon wore on as Jung Shin regaled her with his anecdotes about their time in the military camp and Joo Hyun found herself smiling and laughing with every story he told. He probably is Yong Hwa’s first truest friend, she concluded, happy that there was something worthwhile in the bleakness of how Yong Hwa sees his life.

“Jung Shin-ssi­, can I ask a question?” She watched him look her over his glass, probably guessing that the light part of their conversation was over.

“Go on,” he replied as he set down his empty glass.

Joo Hyun released a breath, her nervousness settling back in the pit of her stomach, “Do you know why he never came back to see me?”

Jung Shin pursed his lips in contemplation, his face devoid of the laughter that was there just a few minutes ago, “Never is quite extreme, he did come back for you,” his face softened a bit, “it was just delayed. Very, if I may say so.”

She nodded, admitting now that she had probably been too concerned for her feelings.

“He loves you a lot, you know,” his face was somber, more serious now, “that’s why he kept beating himself up with the fact that he has nothing to give you. From the time I knew him, Yong Hwa hyung seemed to be the type to think about things over and over again until the thought frays and breaks. Sometimes, it can be a good thing, but most of the time, it just leads to unnecessary heartbreak.”

Joo Hyun watched as Jung Shin roamed his eyes around her apartment, looking at nothing in particular, as if he’s contemplating to say something he’s not meant to. She didn’t realize that she was holding her breath until he started speaking again.

“That book,” he gestured towards Yong Hwa’s book that was resting on a side table, “it was the product of his therapy.”

The words hit Joo Hyun slowly, every syllable sinking into her skin like a razor blade. Her heart squeezed as she tried to picture Yong Hwa struggling with himself. It must’ve been so dark for him during that time, she realized.

Eventually, as she listened to Jung Shin recounting how they met Yun Ho and how they encouraged him to go to the States and get treatment and how finally they were able to bring some light into Yong Hwa’s life, she felt her burdens lift bit by bit.

It was mind-numbing and humbling what Yong Hwa had to go through to make himself whole again, it almost took all her strength not to break down in front of Jung Shin. Her heart called out to him, her pain for all those years she blamed him and herself forgotten. She knew that it was time that she reached out to him and tell him to forgive himself, that he should stop asking for her forgiveness because there’s nothing to forgive.

She loves him truly, irrevocably, she knew now.

-

By the time Jung Shin left, it was past nightfall. He had regaled her with a lot of stories about their lives in the army and after. He also told her about himself, his sweet wife, and their newborn son. At the end of their talk, she felt as if she knew Jung Shin all her life and she was ultimately grateful that Yong Hwa had found someone like him.

Later that night, she retreated to her room, carrying the box Jung Shin delivered to her that afternoon. She sat on her bed for a long while, just staring at it, trying to guess what could be inside. At last, when her curiosity got the better of her, she tore the seal open with shaking hands.

Inside, she stared wide-eyed, was bundles and bundles of letters. Envelopes labeled with just Seo Joo Hyun on the outside. She picked one up from the earliest dated bundle (1995, the slip of paper stuck on the ribbon read) and studied it, her fingers trembled as she opened the flap, revealing the letter inside.

It was dated February 11^th and she remembered it to be just a few days after he was called away to enlist and instantly, she felt tears warm her eyes. Carefully, she unraveled the letter, her eyes scanning every inch of it. Almost no space was left untouched, pages and pages of paper, almost crackling because of dried moisture and age.

She stifled a sob as she started to read–

 –three whole pages with nothing but declarations of him missing her.

Immediately, she began opening his other letters. Some recounted how his day went, some told her of his dreams of growing old with her, some were of his dark, dark sadness, but most were about missing her. Tears clouded her eyes and she clamped a hand on to keep herself from crying out loud.

They were fools, her mind screamed, such fools to hurt themselves like this. Joo Hyun took a deep breath and steadied herself, her mind and heart made up. She was determined to give themselves what they had denied each other for so long: happiness.

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