All she could hear was the erratic dug dug dug as her heart beat itself wildly on her ribcage. Things felt like they were zooming fast then crawling painfully slow and while she waited with a strangled breath for them to finally stop, they chose to whiz past her, giving her a ghostly whiplash.

It doesn’t make sense, she argued with herself as she attempted to connect what was happening around her to the one that was currently happening to her. She can’t seem to focus on the words the person in front of her was saying. It was just the ticking, the loud ticking, the fast ticking, the slow ticking, tocking of the clock consuming her senses that mattered to her at that moment.

She reached her hand out to the object laid in front of her, attempting to gather her wits just enough to appear that she was paying attention and not pushing her heart down to the recesses where it belongs. His face, the one that so haunted her dreams, stared at her mutely from where it was printed on the back cover of the book, as if waiting for her to make a move.

“Are you okay?” her boss’ voice cut through her haze. The ticking sound in her ear slowed to normal as she felt her soul connect with her body bit by bit.

Seo Joo Hyun stared blankly for a second before her eyes admitted shame that she wasn’t herself at all. Her head hung low, meekly asking for another chance at the instructions that didn’t even reach her mind, “If you can go through it again? I shall take note of everything you’ve said.” She turned the book around, choosing to hide for a few minutes more.

“Alright, just hold on for a bit more, I know that you’re tired from all of today’s sessions,” she heard Kwon Bo A say. The concern in her boss’ eyes gave her comfort that she hasn’t been found out yet. “I want you to take charge of Jung Yong Hwa’s visit to the foundation a week from now. Yun Ho said that he has taken a special interest in our foundation and is considering making us the main charitable organization that he will work with.”

Her grip on her pen tightened as finally his name managed to penetrate her muddled mind. For the first time in a long while, she cursed the heavens for the luck that it decided to bestow upon her. She hasn’t yet decided how she felt about the news that he was alive and living well but now, it seemed that he was working his way into her life again.

“Anything else?” She cringed mentally at the shiver in her voice.

Bo A looked at her curiously, “Is this affecting you so much?”

“W-what do you mean?” Her heart was starting to launch itself up towards again.

“Does it bring back memories of your life at the North? I suppose you’ve read the email I sent you with the synopsis of his book or you might’ve heard of this book,” Bo A opened the book and casually flipped through the pages, “I’ve heard that the way he wrote about his experience up there was amazing, they’re already calling him the next Elie Wiesel*.”

The smile that formed on wasn’t a forced one. She has always known that Yong Hwa was well-versed when it came to words. They’ve talked about poems he’d written before and the way he strung his words together has always been beautiful and full of emotions.

“I’m just nervous about it, is all. I’ve never gotten the chance to head a team for a project as important as this.” She figured that a little white lie would be acceptable. After all, it was true that she was nervous. The nervousness that was filling her body was as true as the book that’s lying on the table in front of them.

“Yes,” Bo A affirmed with a nod of her head, “this is a very, very important event in our foundation. He is a high profile author and his novel is topping best seller lists everywhere. This would give us the publicity we need to make our foundation at the forefront of this cause. We should be getting another recommendation from the United Nations if everything goes well.”

The thought of facing him again weighed heavily in her mind more than the daunting task of making everything run smoothly for something as significant in her career as a social worker.

“They are downstairs already. Get ready, Joo Hyun,”

She felt that she was close to getting a panic attack, her palms felt clammy and she was sure that there were already beads of sweat visible on her face. “But you said that it was for next week?”

“Next week is the event. Today, Jung Yong Hwa gets to tour our office and get a briefing about us.” Her boss’ eyes were kind, gentle, “Don’t worry Joo Hyun, Yun Ho and I will probably do most of the talking today. I just need you to accompany us and get comfortable with the new client.”

“Okay,” she said, though being comfortable was something Joo Hyun thought that she could not do. Her feelings for him surged through her veins, weighing her down like lead. Fate was forcing her into a situation she knew she would never be ready for and much as she wanted to fight kicking and screaming, she realized that it was futile.

-

Joo Hyun nervously touched her hair over and over again as the scene before her played in slow motion. It was something that will be burned in her memories forever. Jung Yong Hwa strode towards them, looking resolute and still as handsome as ever. She remembered when the first time she really saw him, she thought that he looked like a story book prince and this was no different.

It took all her willpower to stay rooted to her place and not to run back inside the building like a hunted mouse. She can barely register Bo A greeting Yun Ho and Yong Hwa, all she knew was he was real and was standing before her. His eyes growing wide by second, probably finally recognizing who she was.

“Seo Joo Hyun,” she heard him whisper, his voice caressed the syllables of her name and it sent a blow to her heart and she felt tears prickle painfully in her eyes. If she was honest with herself that night, she’d recognize that she was feeling a sort of soothing relief that he still remembered her and could say her name in the same way her dreams have whispered to her in the past years.

She felt herself transported to that night on the rooftop, her emotions threatening to spill over and she took a step back, terrified of how his presence was taking a hold of her.

“Do you know each other?” Yun Ho’s voice sliced through the haze of memories assaulting her.

As if moving in a dream, she saw Yong Hwa’s face form a smile, his eyes looking through her soul. “I met her in the North.”

“Yes,” she cut him off before he can say anything further, “I met him once before in the North.” She caught a slight frown on his face before she turned towards Bo A, “We should probably begin the tour. I – I need to go back to Ahjussi’s house today. He needs something from me.”

Bo A looked understanding, she knew the old man and was very fond of him. He has helped save a lot of defectors and brought them to their foundation, just like Joo Hyun, “Yes, we’re already taking too much of your overtime anyway.”

They walked through the rooms in the building, she half-listened as Bo A and Yun Ho explained what the foundation was all about and the services they offered. Her eyes were fixated on Yong Hwa’s back, still feeling that the moment was so unreal. Things like this only happen in movies or dramas, her mind shouted at her, almost laughing. She found it rather amazing that she can still find humor in what was happening but, if she could choose, she’d rather choose not to be there. Nothing could’ve prepared her for that day and it was taking all of her strength not to break down on the floor and cry.

It was unfair, him just coming into her life easily, leaving her and then waltzing back again like a handsome devil with no regard of how other people he left in his path felt.

The storm that has been raging on in her head gave her assumptions of how wronged she was in the situation, that she should’ve thrown the clipboard she was holding to his head and how she should’ve screamed her frustrations right up on his face. By the time that she has rationalized with herself that she didn’t know exactly what Jung Yong Hwa was feeling about everything, she realized that she was shaking almost to the point of a visible fever that she worried that she might pass out.

When they were back on the office floor, Yun Ho stopped his explanation and looked towards Yong Hwa expectantly, “So, what do you think?”

Joo Hyun’s breath caught in as she saw Yong Hwa’s eyes dart towards her for a second before turning back to Yun Ho with a serious expression, “It’s everything as you have told me. We should be signing the contract in a few days, I think. You know what to do,Hyung.”

“You don’t know how much help this would give us,” Yun Ho took Yong Hwa for a hug, patting his back a few times.

“It’s nothing,” Yong Hwa smiled sheepishly when he was finally released from the hug, “This is nothing compared to all the help you’ve given me.”

Joo Hyun looked on confusedly, it seemed that Yong Hwa and Yun Ho have known each other for quite some time; she wondered briefly why she didn’t catch any news about him, not even the smallest glimpse of his name from Yun Ho or Bo A.

She decided that she would not let it bother her for she has already accumulated a deluge of bothers that can probably last her a lifetime. She turned towards Bo A and Yun Ho, planning to wrap up her participation in the walking tour. After all, she didn’t really need to be in his presence any time before the event. Optimistically, she thought that she’d probably gathered just enough courage by that time to not think about fainting or running away every other minute.

“Joo Hyun, I think it’s a wonderful idea!” She faked a smile as she caught the tail end of their conversation. What is a wonderful idea? “Yong Hwa-ssi can draw from your experiences and probably make his second bestseller.”

“Yes?” She felt her eyes blink unnaturally fast. Her night, fate decided, hasn’t ended yet. From what she has gathered in between excited planning and laughter was that Jung Yong Hwa has requested to talk to her to pick her brains about her life in the North. Right.

Right.

Yun Ho clapped his hand on Yong Hwa shoulder, a big smile on his face, “Then, we’ll be leaving you with our best counselor. Don’t scare her too much.” He laughed out loud as he draped an arm over Bo A, maneuvering her towards the inner offices.

Bo A waved, “Be sure to take Joo Hyun to Chang Sik ahjussi’s house. Maybe he can tell you more stories. That man’s amazing!” She gave him a thumb up, and before she and Yun Ho finally disappeared around the corner, she shouted, “Don’t stay out too late, kids. Joo Hyun, talk to him, he’s handsome!”

Joo Hyun stood there paralyzed, horrified at her boss’ insinuation. For the past few years that they had worked together, they had formed a bond that rivals that of siblings.  Bo A has tried unsuccessfully again and again to set her up with what the older woman calls ‘the nice young men that would definitely suit her and make her forget about her tragic first love’.

Bo A never knew who her first love was, nothing would make her utter his name out loud. Just that it was a short-lived winter story that she tries so hard to forget. She thought it was only fair, no matter how much the older girl pestered her, since Bo A hasn’t still resolved her one-sided love with Yun Ho anyway.

She snapped into consciousness and walked briskly back towards her work station. She could hear his footsteps faintly behind her and she allowed herself to feel somewhat comforted at its familiarity. Most people would have scoffed at her holding on to a one week love affair for so long but, it was her love affair and from all the people she has talked to, it was more than what other people got.

It was the most real thing she felt after their almost unreal escape and she was thankful for it. If only he hasn’t showed up, she knew that eventually, those memories with him will only be looked back on fondly. She’d probably fall in love again, have kids and live out her life peacefully until her Joo Ae unnie decides that it’s time for her to join them wherever they are.

But, it’s just typical of him to suddenly appear in her life and shake her world. She could already feel a hum in her gut that her life is about to take another turn drastically.

“You do not really like talking now, Joo Hyun-ah?”

She paused in the middle of arranging her things into a neat pile to look at his face. She noticed a smile ghost his lips before his face rearranged itself into a more somber expression. “I just don’t have anything to say,” she thanked the heavens that her voice managed to come out normally.

“I’ve been talking to you since you started walking back to your station and you have yet to give me a single reply.”

“Ah.” She hasn’t realized that he had been talking to her. She has been so wrapped up in the past and her emotions that she failed to acknowledge the fact that he was really there beside her, no matter how much she was aware that he was.

She carried her things and started to walk towards the elevator, feeling awkward. She can’t seem to find the right words to say to him or at least, say anything to him. But, she felt him, still following her patiently.

Once inside the elevator, she looked at their reflection on the door. He kept his eyes fixated at her, as if studying everything about her and she felt somewhat at his scrutiny.

“Have you read it?” He pointed towards the book she was carrying.

She looked at the cover of the book, his name printed in bold letters at the bottom.

“No,” she said after a few heartbeats.

“I want you to read it,” he pursed his lips, “please.” He added, almost like an afterthought.

Joo Hyun turned to look at him, really look at him for the first time that night. The eyes that she has so often saw in her mind spoke of immense loneliness that she can’t fathom. He looked worse than from when she had first met him and it worried her. Maybe, it wasn’t only her that was suffering and she has only thought selfishly of herself.

The ding of the elevator signaling that they have reached their destination woke them up from reading through each other’s soul.

No matter how much the realization has hit her, this was now and she can’t shake the realness of the emotions that was taking over her. They both were hurting but she can only think of how much he has hurt her and she could no longer stop the anger that was bubbling inside her.

She walked briskly ahead of him, ignoring his calls for her, until she felt a tug on her arm and she was spun around, her things falling in the middle of the deserted parking lot.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered but, it was loud enough for her to hear and made her stop struggling from his grip. His hands felt so warm, holding hers and she can feel the beginnings of her tears form in her eyes. She felt more of her energy drain from her body. It seemed like that day was all about keeping herself from crying.

“I know I have a lot of explaining to do and I don’t even know if you’ll hear me out. But,” he loosened his grip on her hand for a moment before squeezing it again, “please, just hear me out. I know you’re angry, who wouldn’t be?”

She looked at him blankly for a second before she let her features softened, “No, I am not.”

He froze visibly, “You’re… not?”

“No,” she gently released her hand from his hold, “I am furious. I am so furious that I can’t even hear myself thinking. So, let’s just remain professional about this project and then, if you please, just let me move on from you peacefully.”

They both stood there silently, daring the other to make a first move. And, just as she had decided to turn around and leave, Yong Hwa took step towards her, a smile on his lips.

“You kept your promise. I never doubted that you will but, you really did.”

She remained rooted to her spot. That was one way to put her holding on to him, no matter how much that holding on is hurting her so much.

“I’m thankful,” he breathed out when they were just about a hair’s breadth away from each other.

Joo Hyun put her hands on his chest to push him away, “Please. Just let me go now, I’m so tired and I want to go home.” The double meaning of her words weren’t lost to the both of them.

“I can’t.”

She lifted her eyes to his. This was a reunion that she can’t still make herself accept, not when she hasn’t fully understood that he was about to plant himself into her life. More firmly, it seemed, this time.

She watched him gather her fallen things slowly. Her arms closed over her things when he finally handed them to her, creating a temporary barrier for her heart. Time was what she needed, though it seemed that it has always just been time that was going on for them.

“I’m sorry, too,” she spoke, her voice barely above a whisper, “Just for tonight, just let me process everything that’s happening.”

“Let me take you home,” she saw him walk towards a car at the end of the lane. She felt hesitant but, decided that it would just be better to take the offer rather than escalate their meeting into a confrontation she’s not ready for.

-

Their ride was spent in such a deafening silence that when Joo Hyun finally reached the front of her door, she jangled her keys loudly to make sure that she can still hear properly.

When she has settled onto her bed, she took the book that she had tried to elude and decided that she probably needed to see him to find the closure she was looking for. With a shaky breath, she flipped the pages one by one, her fear dissipating slowly.

Her hand halted on one particular page and she sat there unbelieving, blinking away another wave of tears that was threatening to fall. It read –

For SJH
The love the lighted the way out of the darkness. 
Our promise is secured tightly in my heart. 
I’m coming home soon.

And, for the first time in 5 years, she finally allowed herself to cry for the love she thought that was lost.


 ----

*Elie Wiesel - Author of the book, Night, which recounts his experiences in Auschwitz and Buchenwald Concentration Camps