Her home had turned into a scene from a movie. People came and went, some bringing gifts of grievance, while others just left their condolences. She exhaled sharply as she leaned her back to the wall and closed her eyes.A bitter chuckle slipped from her lips as she listened to their acquaintances outisde her room, acting as if they were really torn that he was gone. She clenched her hand into a fist as she felt her anger rise. What did they know about losing him?! Did they know him the way she did? Did they know that he hated coffee, but always started his day with it because it just seemed right and fitting? Did they know that he always drew a star at the end of his signature, illustrating the fact that his name would always be among the stars? Did they know that his lips unwillingly pulled into a smirk whenever he told a lie? No. They knew nothing of that sort. They would never know what losing him really meant. 

 

 

Her lips quivered a bit before she took a deep breath and fanned back the tears that had threatened to spill. Silence loomed over the apartment, and she assumed that the guests had left. She decided to finally leave her room and find something to eat. She might not have been hungry, but she knew they'd worry if she didn't eat. Her entrance into the kitchen caused her brother to come to a halt from whatever he may have been doing.

 

"Amber," he whispered almost inaudibly. He looked at her grimly, tired and worn out from several restless nights. His eyes softened with concern as he asked, "How are you?"

 

She felt guilty seeing her brother do so much because it should be her doing all this. She hated that she was a burden. She took a deep breath before giving him a reassuring smile, or at least she had hoped it came off that way, and replied nonchalantly, "I'm fine."

 

He watched as she opened the fridge and raided it, looking for something to snack on. His eyes narrowed as he furrowed his brow, "Amber, it's okay to let your emotions show. You don't have to keep up this front. No one will judge you."

 

Her heart stopped for a moment. Would it really be okay? She quickly shook the thought away before she snapped back at him, slamming the refrigerator door shut in the process, "I said I'm fine!"

 

Before he could respond to her reaction, his wife had shook her head at him and motioned for him to come over to her, "Yoochun-ah, just leave her be." 

 

He frowned, making his way over to the dining table she was seated at. The two quietly sat and watched as Amber grabbed herself a box of crackers and headed back to her bedroom. 

 

"I don't know what to do with her. I can't just leave her alone in this apartment, but I also can't stay with her forever." Yoochun heaved an exasperated sigh. 

 

"Don't worry too much. She'll make it through this. She'll be fine with time," his wife said as she rubbed his arm to comfort him. "She's lucky to have you as a brother."

 

- - - - -

 

"Excuse me, miss. I think you're in my seat," stated the voice that pulled her out of her melancholic thoughts. 

 

She quickly stood up to bow and apologize. The guy noticed that her eyes were somewhat puffy, and tainted with a light shade of red while her cheeks had a slight glimmer. She must have been crying, he thought to himself. 

 

"It's okay. You can have it. I'll just sit here," the man stated as he climbed into the seat that was facing hers on the opposite side of the table. 

 

She bowed once more before seating herself back down, staring out the window of the train. She took a deep breath and leaned back in her seat with her eyes shut tight. She tried her best not to think about the past few days. 

 

"Are you okay?" asked the man as he stared at her curiously. 

 

His voice was filled with concern which caught Amber's attention. She looked up at the guy who was sitting across from her, and stared at him with questioning eyes. He was the first person to give a rat's about her problems. She found herself stumbling over a reasonable response to give.

 

"Y-yeah, I'm fine," She mumbled with a weak smile before looking back out the window. 

 

His eyes followed her gaze, hoping that he'd see what she was looking at so intently. To his dismay, it was nothing unusual. It was just the hustle and bustle that normally occured at a train station. His eyes shifted back to the girl who was still gazing onward, not blinking. He began to study her. She had short blonde hair. Her features were delicately feminine, but easily hidden under her boyish appearance. Yet, something about her was so captivating and alluring. He couldn't stop staring at her. 

 

Amber could feel his gaze searing into her skin. It made her slightly uncomfortable. When the train began moving, she took the opportunity to shift her position, avoiding eye contact while doing so. He chuckled to himself, watching her awkwardly move about, knowing that he was the cause of the awkwardness. She suddenly looked at him and stated, "If you really want your seat, you can have it. You could've just said so, instead of staring at me so relentlessly." 

 

"Sorry," he replied with a sheepish grin, running one hand through his hair. "I don't care about the seat. I just find you really interesting."

 

Amber was a bit taken back by his statement. She didn't know why, but her blood quickly rushed to her face, causing her to blush. She bit her bottom lip as she raided her mind, searching for something to say. He could feel the corner of his lips pull into a smirk, unable to stop the amusement he found from watching her.

 

He spoke up, "So are you heading to Seoul, too?"

 

She nodded silently before heaving a sigh and looking back out the window. He knew something was bothering her, but he didn't know whether or not he should pry. Oh, what the hey. It was going to be a long trip and too quiet if he didn't.

 

"You shouldn't cry. No one should be worthy enough to see your tears. Now, why don't you tell me what's bothering you. Don't try saying 'nothing' because that's a lie and you and I both know it."

 

His words startled her once again. With a furrowed brow and narrowed eyes, she contemplated what to say. "Why do you care? We're just strangers sharing a train ride. That's all."

 

"It's going to be a long ride. Why not enjoy the company of another person? My name is Kim Kibum. Call me Key. As soon as you tell me your name, we won't be strangers anymore," he gave her a quick wink and grinned as he held his hand out, waiting for her to complete the gesture. 

 

He was bold. She didn't know why, but she found it quite charming. "The name's Amber. Amber Liu." 

 

She hesitated a bit before reaching her hand out to his. He quickly pulled it into a firm shake. He shot her an even bigger smile, causing her to blush yet again.

 

"Nice to meet you, Amber Liu. Now that we're no longer strangers, why not tell me what's bothering you. You can think of me as your in-"train" psychiatrist for the next three hours."

 

"Are you really a psychiatrist?" Amber asked in surprise.

 

"No, but that doesn't mean I'm not a good listener. Oh, but I do have one catch. As compensation, I ask that you do not fall in love with me. I may have good ears, but the same thing can't be said about my heart." 

 

A smile quickly formed on her face, "Deal." 

 

A quiet laugh was shared between the two. Key was an amiable guy. He easily made Amber feel comfortable. The two proceeded to spend the next three hours getting to know each other. She told him the reason she was upset was that her father had passed away and that the funeral was a few days ago. She was now headed back to Seoul for work, even though she felt that she wasn't ready to return just yet. She was a photographer and had a photoshoot that weekend. He consoled her. He then shared a little bit about himself. He worked as a sous chef with hopes of opening his very own restaurant in the future. He was a dog lover and happened to have an eye for fashion. They shared a meal together and continued on their quick road to friendship. 

 

- - - - -

 

Several months had passed since the train ride. During this time the two had become close friends, even developing feelings for each other. Amber was on her way to meet up with Key. He had made reservations at some fancy restaurant that a coworker had suggested. When she arrived, she found him already waiting out front. 

 

"You haven't been waiting long have you?" Amber asked, feeling guilty for making him wait.

 

"No," Key reassured her. "Let's head inside." 

 

They were seated in the sky lounge where they could see a view of Seoul's skyline at night. Amber was in awe. It was so pretty. 

 

"The view is breathtaking! It's unbelievable!"

 

"I know," he smiled gently at her. 

 

While the two waited for their food to arrive, Key couldn't stop staring at Amber. He watched as she continued to take in the view with a fascinated expression. It was like watching a kid in a candy store. She was so amazed by everything she saw. She looked so beautiful. He took a deep breath. 

 

"Amber, I've been thinking. We've gotten to know each other pretty well, and I-, I don't think-...No wait, I mean, I really enjoy being your friend and I'm sure-....Uh, I mean-... Aish. I can't seem to express myself," Key suddenly became flustered and looked down at the table to avoid her eyes. "You're sweet, and charming. And so beautiful. And well, I--I, I was wondering if you'd like to take it to the next level. Would you mind being my girlfriend?" 

 

When he finally found the courage to look back up, he was met with her sweet smile. Her eyes arched into little crescents as she happily nodded. "I would love to be your girlfriend."

 

- - - - -

 

The weather was nice and cool, maybe even chilly because it was still early in the morning. The two were walking side by side at the park. Their hands were intertwined while Amber leaned her head against his arm. They were silent as they walked, but they were comfortable. She signed contently to herself.

 

"Oppa, do you know how long we've been together?" Amber asked, breaking the silence.

 

"Hmmm," Key thought for a moment. "What has it been, like a year now?

 

"Actually," Amber stopped and turned to face him with her arms slowly slinking its way around his neck. "It's been exactly one year." 

 

She pulled him into a tender kiss. When they parted, Key smiled at her. "Happy anniversary, Baby." 

 

"Happy anniversary. So, what are you treating me to?" 

 

"Since it's a special occasion, I'll let you decide. What would you like to do? We can do anything and everything to your heart's content," Key stated wrapping his arms around her waist, pulling her body closer to his.

 

"It's okay, Oppa. I was just kidding. I'm perfectly happy with just you!" she said with a grin.

 

"Awww. I'm touched, but that's a horrible choice. Seeing how it's pretty chilly, how about we go grab some coffee, and decide what to do after that?"

 

Amber agreed and the two headed to the closest coffee shop. It was directly across from the park. They ordered their drinks and seated themselves near the window. It didn't take long for the barista to bring them their beverages.

 

Amber quickly placed her cold hands around the warm cup, slowly raising it towards . She closed her eyes and inhaled the fresh smell of coffee before smiling contently to herself. When she opened her eyes she had noticed something sparkle on the saucer, where her cup would normally reside. At second glance she realized that it was a ring. She quickly placed her cup down and looked at Key for an explanation. The boy was just staring out the window as he tried his hardest not to smile. He could see out of the corner of his eyes that Amber was confused. A smirk slowly formed on his face. She looked back down at the ring and back up at him again. Just as she was about to question him, he turned to face her and a grin stretched from cheek to cheek. She clasped her hands over as her eyes began to well up. 

 

"Miss Amber Liu. My beautiful, Amber Liu, do you know how amazing you are?" Key rhetorically asked as he picked up the ring from the little plate. "I'm madly in love with you, and I don't know what I'd do without you, so would you kindly do me the honor of being my wife?"

 

Her eyes glistened as she eagerly nodded, her voice almost inaudible, "Yes."

 

"Yes," she repeated louder to make sure he heard. "Oh my God! Yes, I will marry you, Kim Kibum!" 

 

Just as Key had barely managed to slip the ring on her finger, she leapt from her seat and placed a dozen kisses all over his face. He pulled her up in an embrace and swung her around, overjoyed, feeling as if his heart would explode from all the love it held for her. Upon setting her down, she pulled him into another passionate kiss. They were too immersed in their kiss to be aware of what went on around them. Nor did they care, they were getting married!

 

- - - - -

 

She looked at the white envelope, the one that she refused to open, afraid that the last fragment she had left of him would disappear, too. Her hands trembled as she placed a gentle grip on the corner and slowly tore it open. She took a deep breath before unfolding the letter. 

 

My beloved Amber,

 

My precious, my love, my everything. You have to know how much I love you and that I never meant to hurt you. I apologize for all of the time that I tried for your smile, for making you think that I was worth the while, so your love would be mine. I apologize for sending you flowers and holding your hand, for giving you every thing that you dreamed, and taking it back when I fled the scene. I apologize for making you love me and saying goodbye, for being the one that taught you how to cry. And I'm so sorry that I hurt you, sorry that I fell through, sorry I was falling in love with you. And I'm sorry that I needed you, sorry that it came true, but sorry doesn't turn back time. For all that I have done to you, I wish that I could make it right. An apology now after all this time won't make a difference, but I'm hoping 'I'm sorry' will open your mind to love in your life. 

 

Please forgive me.

 

- Kim Kibum ☆

 

She scoffed before looking at her brother, "Who does he think he is?! Does he think this stupid piece of paper will make me forgive him? He's delusional if he believed that it would!"

 

"Amber," Yoochun struggled to understand where she was coming from. "You can't be serious."

 

"Of course I'm serious! Why should I forgive him?!" she shouted as her anger surpassed any other emotion she was feeling at the moment.

 

Yoochun hesitated for a moment, unsure if it was too soon for such words to be uttered. "He's dead..." 

 

"I know he's dead! And I know he's never coming back! But that does not mean I have to forgive him!" her voice shook violently.

 

Yoochun looked at his sister with much confusion and disbelief, "You're not going to forgive him for dying?"

 

"No! For making me love him!" she shouted as her trembling voice echoed through the apartment.

 

Wrapped in her arms, she slowly fell to her knees as her quiet sobs quickly became heaves of anguish, and her tears, the tears that had laid still on the brim of her lashes for so long, began to fall relentlessly like a quiet thunderstorm. Breathing became harder with every passing second, and she felt a flood of sorrow overwhelm her. 

 

"How could he do this to me? What am I suppose to do without him," her melancholic voice strained breathlessly inbetween her sobs. "Oppa, I feel so broken. How will I ever be whole again?"

 

Yoochun's heart panged from the sight of his baby sister in such a state. He quickly knelt down in front of her and pulled her into his embrace. Her heart wrenching cries hurt him so much that even his own tears began to unknowingly fall. She pulled him in and held him tight as her sobs became muffled against his shirt. He could feel it soak up her outpour of sorrow and despair. His embrace became firmer as he held her tighter.

 

"Amber," Yoochun murmured as he began to lightly her back trying to soothe her broken soul. He couldn't believe that she would try to go at this alone. Why did she feel the need to wear a facade of a strong person while she was falling apart on the inside? Her foolishness angered him, but her grief stricken spirit was what killed him. 

 

Amber felt helpless and hopeless as she became consumed in her emotions. Her tears enveloped her, leaving her with just pain and anguish. Why wasn't there anything she could do? Why was she so useless? Her weeping did not cease for the pain she felt was endless. Oh, how she wished her tears were enough to bring him back. 

 

"It'll be all right. Everything will be okay," he tried to console her. 

 

Did he really believe that his empty words would help heal her? What did he know?! Absolutely nothing. He knew nothing! It wasn't going to be all right! It wasn't going to be okay! How could it?! Her world had come crashing down the moment he left. All she had to look forward to was a life of solitude and it was all because of HIM! He did this to her! She wanted to be angry with him. She wanted to hate him, resent him. But she couldn't. HE wouldn't allow it! All that she could do was cry, cry for him. So she did, she cried, and cried, and when she felt that she couldn't cry anymore, an outpour of grief would unexpectedly fall from her eyes so that she'd continue crying.

 

The days that followed were just as grim. Being in the apartment that they had shared together made it difficult for Amber to move on, and Yoochun could see it. Although it was extremely hard, he was able to convince his little sister to start anew. 

 

- - - - -

 

Amber had finished packing the other rooms. All that was left was his office. She couldn't recall how long it had been since she's been in there. She stood at the door for several minutes, searching her body for any ounce of courage. Her heart felt heavy as her hands trembled, reaching for the handle. Holding her breath, she turned the handle and pushed it open. 

 

She squinted from the sudden brightness. Compared to the rest of the apartment, this room was extremely bright. The blinds had been left open and rays of sunlight illuminated the room. Once her eyes had adjusted, she took a moment to look around before she started packing everything into the cardboard boxes. After an hour or so, she let out an exasperated sigh. All that was left to do was his desk. She made her way over to it and seated herself in his chair. Her fingers collected dust as her hands gently grazed the surface. A sudden wave of sadness rushed over her. She needed to hurry and get out of there. She quickly stood up and started piling everything into the box. However, her movements came to a swift stop when she opened his top drawer and found a little leather book entitled 'Journal'. Her body had found its way back into his chair as she slowly picked up his book. Her eyes were wide as she stared disbelievingly at this newly discovered relic. She knew she shouldn't, but somehow at that moment, she really didn't care and went against her better judgement. She unclasped the cover and began flipping through the pages reading random exerts. 

 

Sometimes I wonder if I even have the strength to continue.

-

She wore a dress, today. I don't think she knows just how beautiful she is. 

-

If it wasn't for my love of food, I think I might have killed Mr. Park today. How dare he try to criticize my dish. "Over cooked", my ! It was perfection in every bite!

-

I came across a dog adoption event as I was jogging at the park today. I'm tempted to get a puppy. 

-

I've decided that I'm going to marry this girl one day.

-

Duke passed away today. Amber was sad, but refused to cry. Although I loved that dog, I can say that even he wasn't worthy of her tears. No one is. I never want to see her cry.

- 

She said yes! Holy crap. We're engaged! Words can't describe how happy I am! 

- 

I think she suspects. I can see it in her eyes. But I can't bring myself to tell her. The fact that I've hidden it all this time even surprises me at time. But my condition isn't getting any better and hiding it is becoming much harder than before. Should I tell her? But how?

-

It kills me everyday that I can't make her smile. 

-

I quit my job today. I told her it was because I hated Mr. Park and wanted to start my own place, but the truth was that my body just couldn't handle the stress anymore. 

- 

I can't believe the wedding is this weekend. I'm so anxious. She's finally going to be my wife! 

 

Without warning, her tears began to smudge his writing. Amber didn't know when the tears had started to fall, but she couldn't stop them. An endless stream of sadness flowed from her eyes. She missed him so much. She shut the journal and hugged it tight against her chest as quiet sobs escaped her lips. Why couldn't he just walk through those doors and stop her tears? Why couldn't he just come in and wrap his arms around her, and with his soft hands, gently wipe away any sorrow left on her face. Why couldn't he just come back? Another wave of sorrow washed over her. She felt so guilty for crying. His words constantly rang in her mind, 'no one is worthy of your tears.' But how could she not cry? He was gone. These tears were for him. Her chest hurt with each breath she heaved, "Can't you see that you're worthy?!" 

 

Once she had finally found the strength to stop crying, she also found that time could heal. And with healing, came forgiveness. It took some time, but yes, she forgave him. 

 

The End