Yunho head seen the dead body in front of him, lying on that table, being that pale and just dead. He was dead. Jaejoong was dead and he would give everything to get him back but he couldn't. Jaejoong had commited suicide because of him. It was his' fault. He wished he could die too but he believed that he deserved something painful. He in addition had to live for his son. The only thing that was left. Yes, sure. Yunho didn't show emotion easily. Never. His son was an exception. He always had been. What was the worst thing, was that his son was named Jaejoong and it was his own fault. How he'd survive that?

He stepped forward when he was alone with the dead body and just stared at it. The silence killed him inwardly. Jaejoong never had been silent. He had been lively and funny. Jaejoong had been always smiling, even though he never got a smile back. Why did he do that? "You're stupid"

There was no answer. Of course there was not. His heart ached in a way he would never be able to discribe. Jaejoong at least looked sort of peaceful. At least that. "Can't you please wake up? I will smile and hug you. I swear..." He almost whispered. Nothing happened. As expected.

Yunho stepped forward and swallowed hard after taking a deep breath. It was a nightmare for sure. The worst he had always had "Jaejoong..I just love you. Are you that stupid not to know?"

He began to shake. It was partly from the fear that he felt. What would happen now? Partly it was from anger. He was just so freaking angry at Jaejoong for doing this but he couldn't scream. Instead he felt weavy and soon he couldn't see anything. Tears. It's been a long time. Yunho leaned down to kiss Jaejoong's, now cold, lips. The skin was just lifeless which was like a slap. A hard one. 

Soon he turned around after up the last picture he had in his head of the person that meant the world to him before he left the room quietly. In all honesty, he had never felt that lonely in his life before.


++++6 years ago++++


Yunho had been different before he had met Jaejoong. He actually was a too sensitive person that had had problems with communication. It scared the hell out of him. His father of course didn't accept that fact and even though he was a 39 years old man, he had to take over the company. He had to carry all the responsibily even though he had been week. Too emotional and too introverted. He had had tried to be happy always. Anyway. The day he had met Jaejoong, changed his whole life.

He was ordering his daily meal, when suddenly someone sat in front of him. Yunho looked up and met that man's eyes. It's hard to explain but those eyes offered him home. Warmth, that he needed so much. That man was outgoing for sure but he must have had an angel's heart. Before Yunho could say something the man asked him to go out with him and Yunho agreed. He had listened to his heart.

In the evening they met. It actually has been really nice. Jaejoong had made Yunho laugh so hard that they had had to sit down for a while. Well, after all they ended up in Yunho's huge apartment. It was too big for a single person but status meant everything in that business. They ended up in bed since it just felt that ing right.

There was actually something between them. Yunho could not understand what it was back then but he had found that person interesting. He didn't know that it was true love. Not the way he had grown up. So how could he know?

They had been dating a couple of weeks and Yunho was sure that he would never let the man go. Never in his life he would let him get away from him then. He was about to confess to him. He was about to tell him how much he loved him and how much Jaejoong meant for him but a single conversation destroyed it. A phone conversation between Jaejoong and his best friend Yoochun.

"Yes he is" Jaejoong had been sitting on the bed while he was talking to Yoochun on the phone. 

Yunho didn't want to interrupt or anything but before he left there was a sentence that stopped him from doing so "If I love him? I don't know.." Jaejoong was biting his lower lip. A cute attitude that Yunho loved. "Well, he is really cute and all. He is perfect really but you know? I need a strong man that will push me around a bit and it sometimes seems like he thinks that I am made out of glas. Not just physically but also emotionally"

Well that had been it. That had been the reason why Yunho had acted the way he had acted afterwards. He had been so scared of losing Jaejoong, that he never dared to show his true emotions. Not to anyone. It had been like a slap. Yunho had been panicked and frightened. He had loved Jaejoong too much to let him go. At least he had thought that it would solve the problem, earse the fear, if he would never tell him that he loved him. No smiles or something, so that he would not seem stupid or childish for Jaejoong. Yes, Yunho had been stupid but let's be fair. He has grown up alone. No one had raised him the right way and there never had been anyone he could have talked to. So how shall a human being be able to know how to communicate with the person you love, when there had never been anyone to give him love?

Years had passed and his father had forced him to marry and make a child. Jaejoong. His son that he could show his love to.  It just reminded him on how he had been when he had been alone in the house, crying for attention. He had never got it. Yunho had sworn to himself that he would be different and he indeed had been. That child has been loved by him with all his heart. But still, there had been the fear of losing his Jaejoong. His lover. He would have never dared to tell him that he had been forced to marry. Again, how should have Yunho known how to act in a relationship? How should he have known the rules of one? Talking to your lover. It was not normal. At least not in his world since lover were there for and only that. Yunho though loved Jaejoong. Both of them actually. His son and his love. 

Jaejoong and Yunho had had many fights about Yunho not opening up to Jaejoong but Yunho had always refused to talk. The fear of losing Jaejoong was too much. He most of the times left because he thought that Jaejoong deserved something better. Yunho had been crying his eyes out sometimes but it always had been Jaejoong to call him first. Even though the sadness in his voice killed Yunho almost. He honestly didn't know what to do. He sometimes really felt retarded. Emotionally of course.

He had thought that if he told Jaejoong how he felt about him, he'd lose him after a while. That Jaejoong would get bored of him. Jaejoong had been the angel that he couldn't live without. So what else should he have done than to keep his feelings shut in his heart?


++++12 years after Jaejoong's death++++


Yunho still was thinking of Jaejoong. He was crying of him every night. He felt so alone. He was all alone. His son was almost an adult by then. How often had Jaejoong asked what was wrong with him? He didn't know that his father had no reason to live. The only reason why he didn't kill himself immediately was him. His son. 

His son had asked him often to go and date some wimen or men. Yunho had always refused to. 

Most of the time Yunho spend in Jaejoong's old apartment. He had rented it and kept everything there where it had been years ago when Jaejoong still had been alive. He couldn't let go. He still couldn't and he doubted that he ever would be able to.

Yunho often slept there. After years, Jaejoong's scent had fated which stitched a huge knife in Yunho's heart. He sank into his memories as often as he could. They were sad though. It had been his fault. The suicide had been his fault and living the way he was living now. The miserable way of being alive and feeling extreme pain every second of his life, was what he deserved. He believed that. 

He hoped that wherever Jaejoong was now, that he would forgive him. For everything. 

Yunho was once again lying in bed. In Jaejoong's bed when he heard that voice again. It came back every night. It was an imagination. A product of his fantasy and need to hear it. It made him cry in his sleep every time. Yunho had always been too senstive. Unhumanly sensitive. Like someone had cared. Yunho was 57 years old and all alone. Carrying the biggest scar that he could imagine exsisted.

++++5 years later++++

Human beings are actually simple to understand. They feel and the way they feel is sometimes complicated. It's a gift but it can be a curse. Emotions show who we are and who we want to be. If no one shows you how to use them, then you might end up like Yunho. Children are the door to our hearts. Everyone carries a child in his soul. Even grandma's or grandpa's. Children show who we want to be and what makes us happy but also sad. Pure beings, yes. We all have them. Even murderers. They too have feelings. Everyone should know how to love and be loved.

If you have bad luck, you'll end up like Jung Yunho. He with 62 died because his heart simply stopped to beat. Why? It might has been because the pain grew too much. It also might has been because of the lonelyness or the wish to die. No one can explain why a heart stops to beat out of sudden. It just has been his time. Death. If Yunho had to put that feeling into words, he'd say it that way.

Death is not something you carry on your shoulders.
It's not heavy at all. It's actually a relief. 
I, Yunho am glad I saw my son grow up happily even though he knew there was something wrong with me.
Life is pain. Death is relief. That's what I learned.
If you life your life the way you are and don't put on a mask it might turn out to be nice.
In my case it was not. 
The happiest moment I remember was the moment when I died because a hand I had been longing for took mine.
It has been so warm. I can't find words for that.
I saw the person I longed for all my life.
He was so peaceful. 
Jaejoong brought me to the door that I had to enter without him. 
The light was too bright and when he let go of my hand again it was okay. 
This time it has been okay because I know that we will meet someday again.
I will do it right the next time.
I will not hide who I am.
I will fight for what I want to have.
I will give love. 
And I will meet him again and give him all the love he deserves. 
I will love that soul where ever I will be and long for it until it can be mine again.