H E R

"I give up, I can't solve it!"

I throw my pencil in frustration. I’ve tried my best to memorize all of the formulas from the day before but it's just not working! I even gave up on my sleep time last night reading and reading through all my books, my notes… but still, my brain is failing me. This is one of those frustrating, depressing times where I feel useless and utterly stupid.

He watches me groan, amusement glinting on his eyes. “Here, let me see…” He then says, taking the dreaded question sheets from its current position –under my flat out dejected face, laying lifelessly on the smooth surface of the study desk.

He scans my scribbled answers before his face light up, a soft chuckle escapes from his lips.

"Dear, sin zero is not one, it's zero," He points out the mistake patiently, a gentle smile decorating his splendid face.

Flushing red, I immediately grab my papers back before hastily erasing my previous answer and write down the correct one from step one again. Hmm...  Just a single mistake and bam! It will ruin the whole thing. Damn math.

"And this, here, sin thirty is one per two, not one per three," He points out yet another mistake. I blush even more furiously. Jesus, I just embarrass myself yet again in front of the hottest male I’ve ever known in my mundane mortal life with my stupidity!

"Okay I got it, thanks. Now, let's not talk about this… thingy anymore and what do you say about some coffee to fetch, hmm? The snow’s piling, pheww I’m freezing!" I suggest, giddily cleaning my belongings and piling it neatly in front of me, ready to go.

Yes, I’ve had enough of that stupid sin cos tan blah blah blah thing. I will just go home and make myself happy, preparing my mental to get the usual E or F for the upcoming test. I'm fine with that. It’s nothing new for me.

"You didn't even solve a question by your own."

Well, yes, he's right. The paper is full of his answers, not mine. But what can I do? I'm not as smart as him after all!

"…I will just try to do one more question. Just one, not more, okay?" I try to negotiate.

"But the test is coming soon, like reaaalll soon. I can smell it already," He reminds me playfully. I giggle at his lame joke though.

"I will study it tomorrow. I promise! I’m just reaaalllyy tired now. I want to go out and have some rest," I pout. I really am tired anyway. I’m this close to actually explode inside this quiet library.

He sighs.

"…I got it. Try to finish question number nine by yourself, okay? Use the same formula with number seven for that one.”

YAY! Nodding in glee, I take my pencil out from its case and start to write the answers down. Hmmm... Wait, should it be plus? Or minus? Hmmm...

“What are you looking at, Kim Myungsoo?” I scold him, I just caught him looking at me with big stupid grin adorning his lips.

He chuckles again and ruffles my hair, laughing cutely when I swat his hand and grunt in annoyance.

“And you must see when our Student President speaks, Gooooodddddd he’s like superrrr handsome! Ahhhh I think I fell in love!” the girl from the next stall squeals.

I try so hard to suppress my laugh. I can’t believe I just caught a student fan girling over Myungsoo. Can’t blame her though. That guy’s a stunner, no doubt over that.

“Ya Jinhee, are you stupid? Of course we saw him too. We were there with you when he gave the welcoming speech, remember? You’re right though… Kim Myungsoo sunbaenim is verryyy different. He’s very… perfect!”

The three girls giggle. I can just imagine them jumping giddily with red face, flushing from just remembering Myungsoo’s handsome features.

“I wonder if he has a boyfriend already…” Jinhee girl wanders out loud while opening her door.

I hear the sound of water running from the sink soon after that.

“We need to ask some seniors, maybe. My cousin just graduated from here last month, maybe she’ll know!”

Some more excited giggles and laughs, before it’s quiet –indicating the three freshmen are gone. I open my own stall’s door and immediately wash my hands. I was about to go out from the toilet cubicle when the three girls entered, loudly chattering and gossiping about the oh-so-famous Kim Myungsoo.

I shake my head, smiling. If only Myungsoo knows how much the girls actually fancy over him… (to the extent of investigating his relationship status!) He’ll get his head grow even bigger –that cheeky guy.

I go out of the bathroom and walk to my locker on the other side of the corridor. I need to put back my English books and get some other I will need for my next class.

I glance at my wristwatch and –shoot! I only have two minutes left! I groan. The next classroom is on the third floor, dammit! I run to my locker and hastily scroll the numbers on the key to form the right combination. I swing the door open and that’s when a peach colored envelope flies out of the small room. Feeling intrigued, I open it.

Are you free after school? I’d like to have The Gelato’s XXL sundae but I’m afraid I can’t finish it alone. So, here I am, Kim Myungsoo *imagine me kneeling here* begs you, Lady Hyeri, to accompany me on this fine April afternoon.

Blink to say yes. Shout out “I love you Kim Myungsoo” three times to say no.

Is that a yes?

Okay thank you. Catch you soon, baby!

XO

p.s. you look very pretty today, not that usually you’re not pretty or what. But –ah, I think I just fell all over in love with you again <3

“Silly boy…” I giggle.

Ah. By the way; yes, dear my juniors… Kim Myungsoo is unfortunately, not available anymore.

October. It’s raining and here I am… trapped inside of the library –again. With my boyfriend –again. To study the notorious math –again.

I’m stuck on a question with ugly numbers and sin, cos, tan… I just want to burn the whole thing down.

"Hyeri-ah, it's been ten minutes already and you haven’t write a single dot," Myungsoo lightly scold me.

"I...." I want to deny the statement but... "Myungsoo-ahh!! Your nose is bleeding!!" I stand up, my chair screeches loudly. I don’t even care that the other visitors shoot me dirty glares for being too noisy. I panic; Myungsoo and blood is not a combination I’d love to ever see.

"I'm okay, I'm okay" he immediately takes a few sheets of tissue from his backpack. He looks too calm, he doesn’t even freak out the slightest bit.

I recall that these days, Myungsoo keeps getting headache and nose bleeding. He used to dance a lot, but then he got a heavy nose bleed in the middle of his routine and ever since then I haven’t saw him dance anymore. He even stopped going to the dance school he had been going to since three years ago.

I try and try and try to call him, but the same voice from the annoying reply machine keep telling me the same thing. That his number is unavailable.

Where can Myungsoo possibly be?

I want to see him.

I want to punch him for just disappearing all of a sudden.

I want to let him know how much he upset me by not giving any words before and when he’s gone.

I want to give him my Christmas present; a mug I’ve made myself from my pottery class.

But mostly, I want to hug him and tell him how much I miss him.

Terribly.

I’m terrible without him.

"He's next!"

"I can't wait to see his awesome performance! It's his very first competition!"

"Oh my God! I saw him before, he's so handsome today!!!"

Everyone squeezes into the Auditorium. Yeah, today is the school’s annual singing competition and the whole school is giddy, anticipating the next contestant, our very Student President Kim Myungsoo. He's popular for his handsome face (that’s a public secret) and everyone is very excited to know whether his voice will match the face or not.

As for me, I just want to see for myself whether he’s really back or not.

"Our Student President is the best! Daebak!!!" The girl stands in front of me spazzes randomly.

"I'm really excited! Kyaaa Oppaaaaa!!!" Another girl squeals from across the room.

Judging from the hype, apparently he is.

“Oppaaaaaa!!!!” The female population of our school’s students chorus in painstakingly out of tune high-pitch.

That’s it, I'm out of here. I just can't stand all these teenage girls shouting here and there. It's deafening. I run out of the Auditorium and walk through the vacant corridor. Pretty much everyone is in the Auditorium hence I can walk freely without have to avoid bumping with anyone.

Myungsoo.

Hearing his name makes my blood boil. I’ve had a feeling that he’s being discreet to me for these past two months. Every time I asked him to go out and have a walk, a date with me, he would always say that he's busy; from having chores and laundry to do –he lives alone in this city– to study (super lame reason!) to classic “I have to go to my hometown, sudden call from Mom”. And when he actually could come, he’d only come for one hour before leaving early, reasoned that he had something else to do and excused himself to go home immediately. He also ditched school a lot since November.

Does he meet another girl? Does he feel bored towards me?

"Hyeri-ah,"

I turn my back and immediately greeted with a pale faced boy, holding a white guitar, a light smile on his handsome face. He looks very pale, very sick today. What's wrong with him? Fever? But whatever, he doesn't care about me so why should I?

"Aren’t you going to perform?" I ask with a bit not-so-nice tone. He walks closer and I notice that he looks unusually... desperate, and it’s like he’s hyperventilating, ready to collapse at any second.

"I'm not going to perform if you are not watching," he replies drily.

“I never asked you to,” I scoff.

“Then let me be the one to ask. Hyeri-ah, baby, will you watch my show?” He’s seriously looking sick.

“What’s wrong with you? Are you okay?” I blurt that out. I know I’m supposed to be mad at him, throwing hissy fit or whatever, he deserves that anyway. But who am I trying to fool? I love him way too dearly. And his weak appearance boggles me, it makes me feeling sick myself.

“Please?” He insists. He ignores my question, I notice sourly. Alright, fine, maybe he simply doesn't want me to worry over a fever. Men and their stupid men pride.

"It's just too crowded inside. You know I hate that right?" I sigh exasperatedly.

"Please, watch this one," He pleads. He sounds really strange, seriously. I had already heard him practiced to sing this song for hundreds –or maybe thousands time before so why does he ask something as trivial as this matter with such grave expression and gesture now?

"No, I'm still mad at you," Honestly, I’m just not in the mood to join the Auditorium crowd.

And to be more honest, yes I’m a bit mad at him (well maybe more than just a bit). How can I not though? A week prior he disappeared for the next seven full days without any news whatsoever –and I couldn’t even reach his phone whenever I tried. Can you imagine how much I worried about him? And today, he just appears out of nowhere, acts as if nothing wrong happened –as if he didn’t just ditch me for seven, I repeat, seven days!– and the first thing he said after all he put me through was for me to watch his performance. No apologize. No explanation. No nothing.

"Just, once," He grabs my hand and holding it tightly. Glassy eyes twinkling, pleading.

I eye him warily. "…Look, you are acting really strange right now, you know. Everyone inside there is supporting you. No need to be afraid. If it’s not me, any other girl in this school will wholeheartedly offer you their support too. You’re the beloved Kim Myungsoo after all.”

"No, Hyeri. I promised myself that I will only sing if there are you around. I told you at your last year birthday that I will give you my voice as a present. It’s yours, so I will not sing if you are not around. You’re the one who own it, not me," He smiled, his face still worryingly pale. “And honestly, I just need two women in my life. My mom and you. So stop talking nonsense Hyeri. Please?”

I sighed. How can I resist that pleading eyes, that sincere, nearly crying face, that face I love oh so deeply?

"Alright, alright, I got it. I will watch your performance," I give him an assuring smile. “Happy now?”

"Pinky promise?" He smiles, visibly happier. Cutely, he stretches out his tiniest finger.

"Oh, Myungsoo! You are so childish," I playfully hit his shoulder, giggling.

"Just promise me first," He insists. His face turns dead serious.

"Pinky promise is a bit old fashioned, don’t you agree? I will just do it like this…" I peck his lips shyly.

Myungsoo’s eyes widen in a flash of shock before he grins happily. "What’s this… my girlfriend’s being naughty, hmmm?" He smirks.

Okay, one thing that is illegal for Myungsoo. His smirk. It's prohibited. It can make you faint, get dizzy, or even hypnotize you to oblivion forever.

"Stop that. I’m still mad, and you are not forgiven just yet. Don’t forget about that," I push him playfully.

He pouts and mumbles, “I got it…” dejectedly.

H I S

"President! It's your turn after this! Please be ready in three minutes,” One of the crew says.

"Myungsoo-ah… Are you sure you still want to perform? Your condition is...." Woohyun-hyung seems very concerned about me.

"This is my last chance to present something for her. It's now or never. It’s not like I have a choice… but I sincerely want to do this, hyung. Don't worry, I will make sure I won't faint or even worse, die on the stage," I give him an assuring smile, patting his shoulder in gratitude.

Woohyun-hyung sighs. "Don’t say such horrible thing. You promised me, okay? Good luck," He gives me a supporting brotherly hug.

I grab my guitar, a white guitar that I received two years ago as a birthday gift from Hyeri –which is the most precious possession of mine aside from Hyeri herself. I never let anyone touched this guitar except for her. She’s everything to me, and I will give everything for her as well.

"Argh, my head," I groaned.

It comes again, the sudden relapse. It feels like my head is going to explodes. Dammit, where's my painkiller?! I'm sure that I put it on the table a few minutes ago…

I search for my painkiller everywhere in the room. After a minute of search, I find it on the table near the girls’ make up kit. I grab the white bottle in relief when suddenly my eyesight goes blur and I can't see what is in front of me clearly, I see doubles of everything.

"M-myungsoo ah! God, I told you not to force yourself, you stone head!" Woohyun-hyung snaps. He helps me get back to my own two feet nonetheless.

"I'm okay, I’m okay hyung…" I take two pills and swallow it hastily.

I hate myself for being sick. I hate myself for depending on others. I hate myself for being useless. I hate myself for hurting my family and I hate myself for hurting Hyeri.

I can't ever forgive myself for hurting Hyeri like this.

I hate myself to make her love me. I hate myself for I make her fall in love to such a useless person.

A person that won't live long, a person that can only gives empty promises about protecting her. A cruel person who can only avoids her because the coward jerk doesn't have courage to tell her the truth. A person who is too afraid to face the reality that he’s not going to live in the same world with his beloved one anymore. A person who will leave his most precious love to live alone in this world, hurt and broken.

"Don't be so stubborn and don't ever tell me that you are okay! You are absolutely not okay and you are in a crucial, critical condition. That's what you get as a result of your stupidity, I told you to do the surgery, didn’t I? And yet, you kept rejecting it because you said you didn't want to take risk and blahblahblah. Well look at you now! You don't even have a chance to survive anymore," Woohyun-hyung nags impulsively. He’s very worried over me, I know that. His eyes are a bit teary.

Honestly? Yes, I regret it now. I'm just a human who is waiting for the grim reaper to take his life away. I'm supposed to do the brain tumor surgery three months ago but I didn't want to do it. It's too risky. The possibility of being alive was only ten percents and I'm afraid, I'm not one of those lucky ten percents.

I’m the biggest coward alive.

"I'm sorry. Sorry for disappointing you, hyung" I say, forcing the lump in my throat down.

"If you’re sorry about it, please, be healthy," A tear escapes Woohyun-hyung’s eyes.

A tear from his heart because both he and I know that it’s impossible.

Be healthy? It's like my unreachable dream. The most impossible thing to ever happen to me now.

God, can you please listen to me? To this humble human. I want to live, God, I want to live once again. I want to repeat everything, do everything better.

I still want to live, God…

"President! It's your turn now! Everyone is waiting!" One of the crew said.

Hyeri… will you watch me?

H E R

It's been fifteen minutes since the last participant sings and it's suppose to be Myungsoo's performance. Where's that guy?

"Okay guys, sorry! We got some technical problem behind but now, we fixed it already. Let's welcome our last participant today, Kim Myungsoo!" The host, a junior, cheered.

I should have record his performance. It's his very first stage and it will be the most memorable performance for him. Myungsoo's dream is to be a singer. With his sculptured face, amazing voice, exceptionally good talent at playing guitar –and he can even dance! – I'm sure that one day, he will be a successful singer. I grin with pride at that thought.

With the deafening cheers and shouts, Myungsoo walk on to the stage. He looks even paler than before when I saw him outside. Myungsoo… are you really okay? Or is it just my stupid eyes and imagination?

He stands at the center of the stage. He holds his beloved guitar and greets everyone. The whole room goes crazy. That’s the effect he has in others, really. Suddenly I catch his eyes; looks like he’s searching for someone until his eyes meets mine. He sends me a warm smile, obviously calmed, and starts to perform.

I sometimes walk and stop
I look around and our eyes meet
I quickly turn my head away
I look at my toes and
then slowly look up

My eyes that get larger
My lips that open up slightly
My heart rings in my ears

Sixty seconds is all I need for this story
You came into my heart
I don’t doubt it
That you took me away
The time that wasn’t short
You’re that kind of person
A story that’s enough for me
I don’t need any reasons
You made my heart flutter and look for you
That first time

Your voice breaks off
Your tears that slowly build up
and fall over
I hold you with my chest
and stay there for a long time
then slowly push you away

My empty eyes
My two lips that are at a loss for words
My heart stops at your sigh

Sixty seconds is all I need for this story
You disappeared from my life
I didn’t hold you back
The time that wasn’t short
You’re that kind of person
A story that’s enough for me
I don’t need any reasons
You clearly sent it
You said you were hurting
and I let you go
Our last time

My two stories
My hot and cold times with you
They’re both memories that you gave to me
My two stories
The same times, but with different sides of you
My double-edged memories

Sixty seconds is all I need for this story
You came into my heart
I don’t doubt it
That you took me away

You’re that kind of person
A story that’s enough for me
You disappeared from my life
I didn’t hold you back
The short amount of time
that I saw your heart

For the whole song, he keeps looking at me. Somehow, I feel like the song is presented for me. It’s our favorite song after all. He plays the guitar perfectly. The song suits his angelic voice and he keeps strumming the melody expertly, hypnotizing the audience for the ending part… but I notice that his expression is so strange.

He looks like he is in pain.

Call it a premonition, but my eyes suddenly get blurred with tears. I can't see anything clearly. All I can hear is Myungsoo, as he finishes his last strum of guitar and instead of applauses and the usual deafening squeals of his fan girls, I hear someone shouts and everyone seems to be rushing to a place upfront. I try to blink for several times and slowly, my eyes are cleared and back to normal. I try to find out what's going on and I am met with what I don’t expect.

I freeze.

Speechless.

Dumbfounded.

Numb.

I saw Myungsoo lying on the stage with blood stains all over his mouth. What is this? What happened? No... No ... It's impossible. It’s all lies. It’s a joke, right? It’s not even funny.

Did he hide something from me? Is this the answer for his pale face and sickly demeanors as of lately? Is this the answer for why he stopped going to the dance school?

I saw Woohyun sunbae standing still right beside me. I don't even realize that he was standing right next to me for the whole time. He didn't move at all, he looks exactly like me; too shocked to utter a word.

"Sun... sunbae..nim, d...do you know what happen with him?" I ask with a shaky voice.

Woohyun sunbae is Myungsoo's best friend. Maybe, Woohyun is even closer to Myungsoo than me. He's the only one who knows my relationship with Myungsoo. Maybe, he knew what is actually happen.

"Brain tumor," He answered shortly.

With those two words, every question I had in my mind is answered. He... that stupid bastard.

He's so cruel.

"Last week, he went to The States to have a medical checkup… and doctor said he can only survive for one more year, but why... why only one week?" Unknowingly, his tears start to flow. People said, a grown up man cried when they are really hurt and that’s when reality strike me. Hard. My handsome, adorable, caring, protective, personal chef, smart, stubborn, clumsy boyfriend, has gone for real.

This is not a joke.

This is not a lame hidden camera thingy.

It’s reality.

He left me alone.

Without any last word.

I try to run to his side. I keep running as I want to prove it myself. But even though I ran so fast, the distance is not getting any shorter. I try to hold his hand but it doesn't work.  I keep trying to hold his hand and his body seems getting further and further from me...

"MYUNGSOO-AH!!!"

I wake up. Cold sweats drenched my pajamas. I dream about it again. A dream that keep haunting me for years. It's not a sweet dream, neither a bad dream.

I stare at a white guitar placed beside my bed. I believe whenever I dream about this, it's a sign that he's here accompanying me. Every time I dream about this, my tears keep falling down uncontrollably. I don't even know why.

I dream about him again. Exactly the same dream like the previous one. How I wish he never appears in my dream. How I regret to gave him a guitar for his birthday and made him promise to play a song at a proper stage. How I regret that I must love him so very much that I can't even forget a single mark from his face. From head to toe, not even a single thing. How I blame myself for not sensing anything bad when I saw his pale face, for not noticed anything when his body weight kept decreasing day by day.

Sometimes I regret meeting him.

I regret meeting Kim Myungsoo, I regret this pain, permanent pain in my chest.

The pain from a hole that was once his place.

He never sang the song for me up the stage. Never.

He was dead.

He was dead at the backstage of the singing competition.

That dream is only an imagination. An imagination that can't be turn into reality.

Every night, he sings for me through this dream. Maybe, it's a repay from him for not being able to fulfill his promise.

In his last letter, he said he always wanted to sing a song in front of everyone for me. He said he wanted to let the world know of our love, of his love.

And in his last letter, he said...

In this life,
I beg you to forget me.
Please find another person that is better from me.
Please make sure that he will be able to protect you –until the end.
Not like me…
It's my fault to let an innocent girl like you to love a cruel guy like me. It's totally my fault.
I’m sorry for breaking my promise; that I will protect you till the end of the world.
I’m sorry for not being able to perform a proper song with your guitar.
I’m sorry for leaving you this way. A very not proper way.
I’m sorry for not telling you about my brain tumor.
I’m sorry for everything.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…
Let's meet in our next life.
And if it's our faith, we can love each other in our next life.
I love you, forever.
Always…