IV: Thunder Can Sound so Frightening

For the first time ever I slept without waiting for Ken to sleep first. For the first time, I emptied out my mind and think of nothing else aside from sleeping soundly so that the next day I will have a fresh start to start a nerve-racking day ahead of me.

Today, I’ve decided to confess.

Today I’ve decided to be brave enough to tell my feelings toward Ken.

Today, I’ve decided that it’s time for that courage to appear.

But, I guess a bright day wouldn’t come out for me today.

I woke up and find myself cursing too early in the morning while watching the glass window inside the room fogged up with mists and tears of the rain that accumulated while I was sleeping soundly on my bed.

Checking my phone for the weather news; my expression dimmed after finding out that there was a typhoon coming though it wouldn’t hit directly in Seoul but nevertheless, Seoul will be experiencing a thunderstorm and wet roads the whole day.

Sighing aloud, Ravi stirred but he didn’t wake up. He wouldn’t wake up from just sighing and small ruckus around him. Ravi is that deep of a sleeper.

Forgetting about Ravi sleeping on Ken’s bed, I’ve decided that no one and nothing can stop me now. Even if its thunderstorm and dark clouds. Ken will finally know my feelings for him no matter what.

And I’ll be waiting for the sun after the rain though I already know it would be impossible today.

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I went out of the bedroom freshly bathe and saw N stopped on his track to stare back at me.

“You’re up early.” N noted with a blank expression on his face as he walk his way towards the kitchen from the living room.

“You’re up early these days too.”

“So?” N snubbed me afterwards as he busied himself rummaging the kitchen cabinet, taking a cooking pot and ladle and placed it on top of the electric stove. That’s when I noticed that he’s wearing an apron and has pot holders in his hands.

I followed right behind N who noticed my presence but ignored me. He busied himself cooking ramen while I watched him from behind.

“Why are you still mad at me? I didn’t even do wrong.” I slid my hands in my pocket when N scoffed at my statement.

N then turned off the stove before he faced me with a strange expression written on his face.

“Are you seriously going to confess to Ken? Do you really love him?”

N’s question made me flinched, my fists clenched and I gritted my teeth.

I actually anticipated that N will soon find out about it. Our manager always tells him secrets and it was obvious, our manager told him about my question last night.

“I see Manager Hyung already told you—“

“Answer me, Taekwoon-ah.” N’s voice turned serious as well as his gaze at me. It made me gulped and gripped my fists tighter.

“Yes—“

“Oh! My god!” N’s face widened up in shock.

“Y-you really do?!”

“I don’t have anything to prove to you. It’s going to be Ken whom I’m going to confess not you.”

I turned around and was about to left when I heard N’s soft cough to attract my attention back which I did and turn back around.

He was wearing an amused face right now and it made me clueless.

“As the leader of this group, I have the right to know what’s happening around, Leo.”

He then smiled at me and it was unusual for him to smile like that to me while having this kind of conversation. He’s getting weirder by the time his lips purse a snicker.

“That smile tells me you know something else. You think Ken wouldn’t feel the same for me—“

“Oh, the feeling is mutual alright.” N cuts me off and laughed. 

His answer made me frozen. Did I hear him right? The feeling is mutual? That means…

“You heard me right, Leo-ah. I’m not that dumb not to see the stares and meaningful glances and everything. But,” N paused and his face turned back into a serious one. I was surprised. He could be a good actor.

 “I can’t just accept it at once, Leo. I have to consider many things. I need to talk to the other members and—“

“There’s nothing to talk about, N Hyung. We’re okay with it. We don’t see any problem.”

N gasped and I turn my head and saw Ravi who spoke and Hongbin and Hyuk who are standing at the close door of their shared bedroom both with smiles on their faces.

“A-are you—“

“Yes. We’ve been here listening the whole time.” Ravi answered with an amused smile.

“Did you already have a venue, Leo Hyung? What about your speech when you ask Ken Hyung later?” Hyuk asked, snickering.

It made me confused. Venue? Speech? Do I need that in order to confess?

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, kid. I’ll just talk to Ken and—“

“You’re kidding right, Hyung?” This time, Hongbin cut me off.

“Guys, guys,” N then cut me off when I tried to answer Hongbin’s question. “There will be no venue or speeches, whatever.”

“Stop being a -blocker, Hyung.” Ravi said that made N’s face turned sour.

“I’m not a —“

“N’s right, Ravi. I don’t need your help though I’m grateful that you’re all with me here. But, this is my problem.”

“No, Leo Hyung. We’re your members, your friends and your family members therefore, we’re here to help you whether you like it or not.”

Ravi answered that made me smile but deep inside, my heart is shaking in nervousness because even if I prepared a grand entrance and made a wonderful confession speech, my happiness lies in Ken’s hands.

 I don’t have a goddamn clue what would be his answer even if N already had told me that we feel the same for each other.

Will he reject me or not? That’s my biggest problem and fear so far.

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Our usual routine started. After we ate our breakfast in silence; mouths were busy eating but the other members eyes except Ken who didn’t know anything yet were talking like they were planning on something and I think I know what it is all about.

After breakfast, we head straight to the gym to stretch and do some exercises before we go to our practice room.

Still, the silence filled us and that’s when Ken couldn’t help but to crack the silence down.

“Hey, are you guys alright?”

I glanced at the other members and found them looking at each other and then stops, facing Ken.

“Don’t mind us, Kennie.” N forced a smile. When I looked at Ken, his eyes are narrowing in suspicion.

“Did you get mad at them, Leo Hyung?”

I got surprised when Ken turned his attention at me. In instinct, I acted all mighty and cold in response.

“I didn’t do anything to them. Why are you always pointing at me? I haven’t told them to shut up.”

My tone went high and Ken gasped when I let the dumbbell I was carrying rolling out the matted floor and stormed out of the room at once.

Once out, I gripped my chest tight and close my eyes to control my emotion back. I knew my face is getting red and I can feel the heat rushing to my face.

I’m not mad at Ken but mad at myself. I acted all cocky but it wasn’t exactly my intention. My mouth just couldn’t stop blabbering nonsense.

Now, I have bigger problems to face. My confession wouldn’t be so easy like I thought saying it with a straight face is the easiest way.

I can’t open my mouth because it might blurt out things I wasn’t supposed to say.

And it would be the end of me.

I looked up and stare at the cemented ceiling inside the fire exit door and sighed.

My nervousness is killing me. I don’t know how to stop it.

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The awkwardness fills us all during practice and none of us ever spoke about the gym incident. We practiced in silence and all of us don't know what to do with it.

Even after the tiring day ended, still the heavy atmosphere never left. N was too silent in dinner as well as Ravi that didn't spoke, not even once.

Hyuk didn't try anything to bring the gloomy atmosphere died neither Hongbin who keeps his eyes busy on his own plate.

Ken stayed quiet as well but I can see the thin line on his forehead and a frown on his face. He must be thinking about something.

Maybe, he's thinking about what I said back in the gym? Is it not?

What was I thinking, really? It was all, my fault why this day went wrong in the first place. I was to be blamed because I was scared and a coward.

Now my day would end in a deep of failure.

My head automatically followed the sudden movement and saw N stood up and without a word, left the room, going to Hongbin and Hyuk’s room.

That’s when my forehead frowned. I started to smell the fish hiding somewhere in the dorm. And, it all made sense to me that there really is when Hongbin and Hyuk followed N while Ravi excused himself by bowing toward Ken and I before he went straight to our temporary shared room.

Finally we were left alone with an incredible tension building up around us. It seemed that it become warmer than earlier as my hands started to sweat. I wiped my wet hands at my pants underneath the table, still stiff and awkward.

Then Ken cleared his throat but when I thought he would finally speak, it didn’t come. Instead, he heaved a sigh and hugged his knees, sitting across me.

After his action, my heart started to increase its beat. Nervousness filled me up and I knew this have to be the best chance to cut myself open and show Ken that my heart beats for him.

I took a deep breath before facing Ken whose eyes are gazing at the messy table not yet cleaned.

Then my head lowered once again, watching my hands crumpled into fists on top of my legs.

‘This is it, Taekwoon Jung. It is now or never.’

I exhaled a short breath before I finally open my mouth to speak.

“Ken-ah,”

I paused to compose myself from being too nervous I might stutter on my next words. This is harder than the evaluation night, really.

“Y-yeah, Hyung?”

I heaved another sigh once again before I open my mouth.

“U-uh… Um… Ken— I j-just…” I stopped when I stare right straight into his eyes it mirrored my horrible expression that made me stood up instantly and my lips escaped an exasperated sigh. “G-give me a moment—I’ll be back.”

I immediately stormed out of the dining room and head straight to our room. Ravi was shocked to see me he quickly ended the call after saying goodbye on the other line and looked at me curiously.

“Are you alright, Hyung?”

I didn’t answer him but instead I went to the bathroom and wash my face with cold water to calm my nerves down. It seems to be the best way to stop the blood rushing over to my heart and increase its normal speed of beating.

After a good while, Ravi then followed me and leaned on the doorframe afterward.

“Your phone on top of your bed rang, Leo Hyung.”

I blinked at him, processing what he said and when my slow brain did, I fled away after throwing the towel somewhere in the bathroom and quickly grabbed my phone.

I frowned when I saw Ken was the one who messaged me. When I open the SMS, my eyes narrowed in confusion.

To: Taekwoon Hyung

From: Jaehwan

Are you busy, hyung?

I was about to call Ken but when I looked at Ravi, the rapper was intently looking at me, watching my every move. So instead, I replied Ken with another message.

To: Jaehwan

From: Leo

No?

Not really.

Why?

Immediately, Ken replied back.

To: Taekwoon Hyung

From: Jaehwan

Good. ^^

Then, let’s play outside.

I couldn’t help but add another line on my forehead in confusion.

Instead of texting him back, I’ve decided to call Ken and asked him personally.

“What’s that supposed to mean? And it’s raining outside.” I asked once Ken’s ‘Hello’ resonates on the second line.

“Let’s play. You’re thinking something weird, Leo Hyung?”

I heard a chuc