III: When You Slam Your Fist Against The Wall

A week has passed by after Ken’s wailing incident and I don’t know what to do but I don’t think I’m happy that Ken is no longer mourning because I can’t seem to find a way to reach him without a reason. Even my hands that are trying to reach him have retreated once or twice in embarrassment. I blanked out whenever he tries to look straight into my eyes or even asking me if I’m alright when I’m spacing out. I can’t seem to concentrate most of the time and it’s bugging the hell out of me. I know I’m sickly in love with Ken but I didn’t know this would turn out like this. I think I’m having a heart attack whenever Ken is near me. Does too much beating of my heart will kill me? I’ve got no idea.

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Apparently, N decided to add another punishment for breaking my promise and for worrying him—which made him almost breathe fire to my face last time—Ravi became my temporary roommate.

It’s not like I dislike being with Ravi inside one room; my most concern except that he stinks sometimes is that, I don’t have any idea how I can sleep without knowing if Ken is already sleeping at Ravi and Hyuk's room.

I’m already used to sleep after Ken did so this time, I might probably be sleeping late.

With a sigh, I get up from sitting on the long black leather couch inside our practice room and strode my shoes to the middle where the other members were, also sitting on the floor after taking a five minute break earlier.

And now the timer rings, we’ve got to practice our comeback song that we will be performing next week.

“C’mon guys, I’m hungry. One more practice and we’re done!” N clapped as he stands up near the player in the left corner of the room.

“Just a little note guys,” Ravi said and points at me and Ken.

“Hyung, you’re not getting closer to Ken Hyung. You should bite him mor—“

Ravi steps backwards, retreating when I walk towards him with a glare.

N then quickly cuts in the middle, stopping me from attacking Ravi.

“I agree with Ravi, Leo. Don’t be shy. You two even went on a date last week.” N sounded displeased.

I scoffed at N before I retreated back and position myself in the middle of the room, completely ignoring N’s statement making the latter snort at my behavior.

We started practicing once again but the practice went on and on and for a moment, we forgot the time ticking inside a circle frame hanging just above the door of the practice room.

Without noticing the time and our hungry stomachs because all of us wanted to perfect the routine of our new comeback song that N decided to keep on going for too many rounds before all of us finally got satisfied at our last, definitely the last for the day, practice.

I laid my body down to the squeaky floor, panting hard. I calm my fast-beating heart before I sit back up to wash off my wet face with a clean dry towel N tossed at me.

Then, I got startled when Ken sits across me with two bottles of water in his hands. He then hand me one which at first, I hesitated to take but when I saw Ken’s lips are going to purse a pout, I took the bottle out of his hand in a speed of light.

“How are you, Hyung?” Ken began with a smile and it was obvious, he’s trying to act cute in front of me.

Well, Ken is always like that. It’s not new to us when he acts like a five-year old kid.

He always does that.

“Awful. Dreadful, sleepless nights.”

I saw Ken amusingly stare back at me with a straight line on his cute forehead.

Cute—because everything about Ken is all cute to me—

“Why? Did Ravi snore the whole time?”

“There’s nothing new to that hyper human being. He always snore.” I shook my head then open the cap of the bottle and drink its fill.

 “Then why? Did you miss me, no?” Ken chuckled, obviously teasing but I shot him a serious look which made him stop laughing.

“What if I did? What if I can’t sleep well because I don’t know if you’re already asleep in Ravi’s room? What if I miss you so badly? What will you do about it?”

Ken’s eyes widen, he hide his mouth that’s also wide agape behind his hands and shock stricken his face at my frank confession.

I stood up and ruffled his wet hair from the sweats that accumulated during our practice before I decided to leave our conversation hanging like that because I knew Ken wouldn’t say anything—that’s how surprised he was—too stunned to reply back.

I immediately passed by N who was walking ahead of all of us toward our dorm.

I walked as fast as I can and head straight to our room’s bathroom and splash some cold water straight to my wet hair down to my clothes which I decided to leave on.

I shut my eyes as the water runs down my forehead then to my eye area.

I crumpled my hands as regret filled me for opening my mouth at the wrong time.

But, when’s the right time, Taekwoon?

When will you ever confess to Jaehwan?

Can you even do that?

I already made up my mind to tell Ken how I feel but why am I holding back? What’s holding me back?

Was it because of my cold personality  I wasn’t supposed to act like I can show other feelings aside from being my usual, cold and poker?

Was it because I’m shy? It’s my first ever confession and I feel like I can’t do it? That, confessing is not cut out for me?

What is? What’s keeping me from telling Ken how I really feel?

Is it because we’re under the same company that has strict policy of not having intimate with workmates?

Or, is it because we’re both males that it’s impossible for such love to exist in our hearts?

The last one stung my heart the most. How could my mind think of that? It squeezes my heart, juicing out all my love for Ken.

It’s really painful to admit that I have fallen in love with Ken. Sometimes, my head thinks and wishes Ken to be the opposite therefore, I wouldn’t doubt my capability to confess to someone I truly love.

If there’s a female version of Ken…

I shook my head as I open my eyes and watch the water crawled all over me and soak my clothes, making it heavier by the minute.

I then washed my face, taking some water off and lean my forehead to the shower wall with a small smile creeping out from my lips.

I doubt it.

Even if there was, my heart wouldn’t beat the same as it was for Ken.

I know I’m turning crazy and so does my heart.

I’m blaming Ken for this but at the same time I’m blaming myself for falling for him as well.

I know he was just being ‘too charming’, ‘too cute’ and, ‘too lovely’ that he caught my heart without me noticing it falling straight to his open hands.

Now, there’s nothing I could do but to admit to myself, to Ken and to the other members that my heart wasn’t inside my ribcage anymore.

It was now right in Ken’s hands. The younger just didn’t know about it yet—

A knock from the bathroom door made me startled and my thoughts quickly vanished inside my head.

Another set of knocks was then heard and at last, I found my voice.

“I’m not done yet—“

“Leo Hyung,”

I was surprise