I watch you from afar, not making any noise because I know you won’t hear anything and I know I won’t either. Your cries wailed inside every corners of the dorm, making it hard for me to breathe. My chest tightens, making me hard to inhale air seeing your face red, wet and swollen. It makes my heart hurts seeing you broken and shattered like this. I feel like I want to punch your face, kick you in your shin, push you against the wall and yell at you for being so stupid, letting someone break you into pieces and now, who is the one suffering? Not you, but me. I am the one who should be crying and slitting my throat out for making it all possible because if I try to let you see and understand my intentions then, this wouldn’t happen at all.

I’m sorry, Jaehwan. It was all, my fault. If only I could just say it straight from my mouth without stuttering and without cracking, I would. But, I know a coward like me couldn’t do that because I’m scared that you will look at me with those questioning eyes and I know I cannot help but to spill out my guts and confess what I truly meant with those words. I’m sorry but you’ve got to die trying.

 I listened silently to your whines and I wish I was the one beside you, rubbing your back and not N. If I was a little early or if I was just a little approachable, you wouldn’t have to look for our leader. You can count on me too, just don’t wet my shirt. But instead here I am standing, leaning against the doorframe of the door; fists hiding on my sleeping pants’ pockets and watch you tear your heart out in front of me and the others.

I am scared at one point. That I might break you when I pull you out from our members’ comforts. I badly want to take you into our room, secluding you from everyone and cover you with my warmth instead. But, I can’t. And I know you know why.

I’ve already said this before, I am slowly trying my best to show emotions and damn it! It takes super long. I haven’t shown much. I haven’t progressing much, right? A little smile over here and there, talking and answering questions with short words are not a progress at all. You taught me a lot and I am very thankful of that. But, how I wish you could push me more so that I can be of help with you especially at times like this.

It has been an hour, eleven minutes and forty-nine seconds since you started crying. Will you stop now? I want to stop watching the digital clock on top of the couch where you and the others are. I want to stop glancing at the clock and back to you, checking how many drops of tears you’ve already shed. Your eyes are absolutely tired right now. You should stop or else, I might do reckless things I know I will regret later. I am getting impatient now, Jaehwan. Stop now.

When you’re like this, breaking down in front of me, I can’t help but to think of how selfish I can be a lot of times. I ignored you, not listening to you, and not hearing your pleas sometimes. And I wish I can turn back the time and please you in every possible way I can and be everything you want me to be. I wish I could say the words I wanted to say to you. Even though I know it will end up short and simple.

I wish I could tell you that humans are filthy and they can hurt you like she already did. And I am getting scared of what my brain could possibly be thinking right now. I know I am human and so are you, but maybe, just maybe, I could be that filthy human being to perform a magic trick in front of you. That inside my tall black hat is not a bunny but my heart.

I love you. I am in love with you. I don’t know how the crazy beat started but, it just came to me one day when I couldn’t stop thinking for an excuse to hide from you. I almost got crazy when I tried to seize my growing feelings by thinking of you as none other than, a member, a friend. But, my heart cannot be stop as it stated a war inside with my brain. And later on, my brain raised its flag up concluding that it had given up because it too, fell from your charms.

You win and I went home a loser after that realization day. But still, I am regretting every single day when I couldn’t tell and say my mouth-less heart wants to say. I kept my mouth shut all these times because I am waiting. And you know what am I waiting for? That the little time we spent with each other will make you see that I am here to catch you when you fall. But of course I over-think that method. Yes, you did fall but not in my arms.

And now, I hope you don’t think I already give up. No. My arms are still wide open, waiting for you. Just tell me when and where because I am going to wait, looking up for you and wait for another eternity to watch you fall, this time in my arms.

But let me guess, you’re not ready yet. I know. That’s why, waiting for eternity is the best promise I could oath in front of you. I’m just hoping that the next time you will fall, it would be straight right into my arms and not someone else’s.

A small smile crept into my lips, thinking how silly I can be sometimes. I wish that vibrant emotion will come to life so that I can be a jolly hyung to my members. But, I know it doesn’t suit me at all.

“Hey! You shouldn’t be happy at times like this, Leo. Ken is hurt!” N nagged after taking notice of me and what a good timing seeing me smiling.

“I can totally see that, N.” I replied coldly. I know I have no right tonight to act all cocky but I just can’t stop behaving like this because I am very used to being cold and bland in front of everybody.

I stand up straight and firmly gaze at Ken’s weeping face. “It’s just that… I can’t stop thinking about how you’re wasting your time and effort with an unworthy person. Stop wailing. I’m going to sleep.”

I then heard gasps from the members after turning around and close the door behind Ken and I’s shared bedroom, immediately regretting everything I’ve said and done by washing my face with my palms and crumpled my hands into fist afterwards.

I know I can’t undone what is already done so I just have to keep my silence until the rest of my members realized, especially Ken, that they should stop what they were doing for the past hour and just let sleep take them all and forgot it all about tomorrow because at one point, I was right.

That… is thinking logical but irrational. But what rational is now: after falling in love with a male, my brain already stopped thinking straight, I don’t have that kind of thinking anymore. I am totally sick and crazy. That’s what I conclude.

◄•♦•♦•♦•♦•♥•♦•♦•♦•♦•►

With a sigh, my back came in contact with the soft fabric of my bed and I lie there for quite awhile, looking at the dark ceiling blankly. I couldn’t seem to sleep. Maybe because I keep thinking of Ken since I used to sleep after he does. And since he’s nowhere near my side, I feel hollow and empty while waiting for the person who makes me whole and complete inside. I’m like a dog whose always been wagging my tail while sitting in front of the front door, waiting patiently for my master to arrive after working from 8 to 5.

“Jeez Ken…” I mumbled while I shut my eyes for a moment and cover it with my arm because shutting my eyes alone seems not enough to make my surroundings even darker. I need to stop thinking over and over. I need to stop overworking Ken inside my head, always running like crazy in a never-ending treadmill inside. 

“I want you to stop running—“

“H-hyung…”

I froze on my spot hearing a familiar but hoarse voice of Ken. I didn’t seem to hear the creaking of the door opening, making me startled at his sudden entrance.

I take out my arm over my eyes and open them before lifting my head a little higher to see Ken walking ever so slowly to me.

I heave a sigh before sitting up and grab Ken’s arm and pull him to hop on my bed.  With the illuminating light from the moon outside, lighting up our room little bit, I saw Ken’s questioning eyes and I just couldn’t stand still overnight to stare at Ken’s face forever. My arms found its courage to pull Ken in my arms and snakes him around my embrace, lightly rubbing his back for another set o