Chapter 4:

Nothing but Avoidance

 

✿

 

 

 

Sometimes, when someone’s emotional status is pushed into the limit, people tend to lose focus. It’s understandable for someone to be given just a tad bit time to think and rearrange themselves in order to get back to a level-headed thought process. The body can only do so much to the best of its abilities.

 

Even if there’s nothing but happening everywhere.

 

Miya refuse to be a victim of the assault of this ‘emotional turbulence’. She learned that, as someone who had dealt with life, and even most of the time, at the brink of death, there’s no time for planning and second guessing but to integrate knowledge into instinct in order to save patients quickly. Even if she had signed up for a job that had emotionally numbed her from what pain really is; she regretted nothing. She loved being in the Intensive Care because easing someone’s life away has always been fulfilling and nothing could ever divert her from her duty.

 

Not even one Zhang Yixing.

 

So, with renewed resolve that had urged her to prepare for her 12-hour shift, she pushed the door open and hurriedly went inside the kitchen to prepare her food bag and water bottle. With speed as quick as the wind, she slung her bag over her shoulder and was out the door before Jongin could even utter a goodbye to her. She barely glimpsed the apartment apart from looking straight ahead and just focus.

 

Her secret to being able to get the job done was to eliminate everything she deemed unimportant at the moment. In other words, this is ‘prioritization’. It’s a gift she had mastered during nursing school in order to identify patients that needs immediate care than those who don’t which is critical to all fields in the hospital.

 

Of course, outside the vocabulary of nursing, this is called ‘avoidance’.

 

Miya swears she could feel her heart burst outside her ribcage from the adrenaline. At the back of her mind, guilt was eating her away when she remembered the promise she made about not running away.

 

She couldn’t do it. Not now where she has another half-a-day of being with patients that needs her critically. Maybe tomorrow; she’s free and there’s no time constraint. With those reasons in mind, she huffed out an air to calm her nerves before pushing open the entrance of the apartment building, eager to escape it.

 

A blast of wind made her trip on her own feet as she leaned back against the door trying her best to anchor herself from the onslaught of this mini hurricane. She could’ve sworn it wasn't this windy last she was out an hour ago. She just knew today wasn’t going to be a good one.

 

Looking down, in order to avoid flying dusts, she continued her long trek to the subway. She is DEFINITELY going to need a car. Although that dream’s a little too far away, it’s not exactly impossible with the extra hard work and another job to fill her free times. After all, it wasn't as if she's paying for anything that she doesn't need apart from Jongin being an addition.

 

Her heart dropped when a slick and shiny black car pulled in front of her before she could cross the street followed by frantic thumping beats against her chest as the car window rolled down, cursing her luck that her effort to avoid the other was ruined.

 

“Come on, I’ll give you a ride to work.” That voice; it still sent a strange sensation to flood her system and it only intensified after years of not hearing it.

 

Miya kept her gaze to the side to avoid meeting eyes with Yixing. She managed to keep her ground this time but she doesn’t know exactly how long it takes before she crumbles again. Stepping into the car and accepting the invitation could mean many minutes of awkward silence and mental torture. Is she really willing to delve back into the past inside a car that could potentially go into an accident if she goes ballistic over the man she pined for all those years ago? Not a pretty way to die, that’s for sure.

 

But, something more prideful and dignified was winning the battle. Sure, it was awkward and yes, they could be in a state of high-accident prone possibilities, but this is a matter of getting over this. This is a chance to show this... this... bastard that she’s doing fine and moving on better than he is doing. She knew there was nothing for them to salvage in the past anymore so it’s better to look at this situation as an encounter of an old‘acquaintance’.

 

This time, it was Yixing’s breath that hitches when they finally made eye contact. He failed to prepare himself to how much he had been missing those eyes but this time, they weren’t look of adoration anymore and something twist tight inside of him.

 

It only took a nod from the other when they start zooming through the busy streets of Seoul in the middle of the afternoon. Silence was reining the majority of the minutes except for the small sounds of the leather seatbelt being tightly and nervously pulled in the part of Miya. This was awkward, indeed.

 

Coughing a little, being careful not to start a conversation that would make the other high-tail and escape (not like she could, being trapped in a car), he reached forward to turn on the radio and it was just in time for the announcer to be playing the next request.

 

“This next song is requested by our avid radio-fan, Miss Honey, asking also to greet a very happy birthday to her boyfriend of one year. Please sit back and enjoy yourselves for a while. It’s a little cold out so I hope this song would warm you up. Here’s ‘Reaching’ by Lay.”

 

Miya wanted to pull her hair in frustration! Like, seriously! Someone up there must be doing this on purpose because hearing the flow of music and a gentle clear voice to fill the little space inside the car was squeezing the air out of her. And what’s even worse is that, it’s as if Yixing was saying something without actually opening his mouth. Jesus, she was tempted to turn off the radio but was petrified since she might end up slamming her fist on it. A third option of opening the car door and rolling out on the ground smelled freedom and she’s starting to think how appealing that would be.

 

Noticing the tensing of shoulders from the corner of his eye, Yixing moved to lower the volume of the radio but only enough to fill the empty space. He bit his lip at the realization that the other was acting like a kicked puppy over the little things he was doing. This was going to be a long ride.

 

Just when Miya began to relax when the next song was played, her head shot back up in earnest as the other cleared his throat.

 

“So, how are you doing?” There was something lodged in his throat as if asking the question took a lot of effort to do. Maybe it was the fear that was gripping on his nerves at the answer he was going to receive. It was clear the other wasn’t even happy to be there let alone talk to him. He doesn’t know if it was desperation that had pushed him to just confront her head on but now that she is where he wants her to be, captured and caged, all of the things he had rehearsed in his head many times over vanished the very moment she looked at him.

 

In contrast to what he’s thinking, Miya was circling the question cautiously like a curious lion, trying to formulate the appropriate response. Okay, so the question wants an answer to how she’s doing. That’s pretty easy but what was he actually specifying; work or life in general? Maybe he’s asking how she’s doing TODAY. This is really confusing.

 

Gasp!

 

Miya widened her eyes at the meaning behind those words and, if possible, her hold on her seatbelt tightened even more.

 

This bastard! Was he actually mocking her? He must be expecting her to suddenly reveal how ed up her life had been before he could gloat about his wealth and fame; about every tour he’s made and how a lot of people would love to kiss his feet if he simply asked. That must be why he’s asking!

 

But then... this is Yixing. His personality couldn’t possibly turn a 180° and just be cruel after six years. She remembered how kind-hearted he was and it took a lot of effort to anger him. Most of the time, the guy doesn’t even notice he’s being insulted and bullied.

 

Wait a minute! Why was she getting worked up about a small question?

 

Miya’s head sagged and her right hand flew up to massage her forehead.

 

What was Yixing doing to her? Everything was always simple, really. Problems are easily solved when someone doesn’t need to delve into the deep when it was clear what’s on the surface. But with Yixing, he managed to make things complicated to her.

 

“You know, you don’t need to answer me if you don’t want to.”

 

There was silence for a while and Yixing hadn’t realized he was holding his breath before the gaze of the other turned to him. He kept his eyes on the road, trying to focus how to drive and take in air at the same time.

 

“I’m doing great”, Miya finally answered with no ounce of emotion. “I guess you already know what my work is so... yeah... as always had been, I’m nothing but keeping myself busy.” There was pain when the words left her and by the way Yixing’s reaction, she knew it was the wrong thing to say. She revealed something in the past that had always been a defining character to her and to unconsciously confess that she’s a workaholic even now was a stab to her pride. But what’s done is done. She’s not going to take it back to save face because the statements rang true and she loves her job without shame.

 

This time, the silence was deafening. No one was saying a word and the sound of the radio were becoming muffled from an annoying ring in Miya’s ear that had pushed her to start the conversation this time. “So, um... Yi—Lay, now, right? Life must be busy for you, too.”

 

“Yixing.”

 

“Hm?” Miya looked confusedly at the other but he still refused to meet her eyes when there was a huge turmoil eating its way up through his body.

 

“I don’t want you to call me that”, he said sounding a little powerful and desperate for his liking. “Call me ‘Yixing’”.

 

The moment Miya called him by his stage name, it sounded so foreign and stoic that the fear he was keeping at bay was suddenly unleashed. He doesn’t want her to be like everyone else, being just another face in the crowd. It’s as if that one word had made him realize that the other is accepting the fact that there was nothing in the past for them anymore. And that scared him so much that maybe it was too late for him to come and fix what was broken. He gripped the steering wheel harder to not let loose the panic invading his system.

 

“You make beautiful music.”

 

The emotional turmoil crashing through every bit of his nerve fibres suddenly ceased when he turned his head momentarily to look at her in shock.

 

“I—I mean, I don’t exactly have the time to be looking through popular songs nowadays”, she stuttered out, blushing when the earlier statement wasn’t even intended to be said. “But you’ve always had a talent for these things and I can see a lot of people that your song made very happy.” This time, the smile she lets out is genuine. Even if they keep dodging the most important topic they should be discussing, it was safe to dance around the happy memories they made. She’s just not ready to face what he came here for because, quite frankly, she couldn’t handle it yet.

 

Yixing seem to breathe a little easier with that smile. But he furrowed his eyebrows when the words finally sunk in. “But I wrote those songs for you. Didn’t they make you happy too?”

 

Gapping like a fish; that was the face that Yixing met when he stopped the car in front their destination and turned to the person in the passenger seat.

 

Miya couldn’t stop the blush and the garbled, gurgling sound coming from . Yixing said it so out of the blue, so bluntly that her brain cells are screaming around and on the verge of shutting down. She needs to escape immediately, like RIGHT NOW!

 

“Okay, um... thanks for the ride”, she replied opening the car door and stepping outside hurriedly towards the hospital. She is almost at the safety through those glass doors when a firm grip caught her writs once more.

 

‘Don’t turn around because you’re going to regret it’, she lamented to herself silently.

 

“Me-yah.” That word almost made her knees turn weak. Even after all these years; even after the countless times she had reprimanded him for pronouncing her name wrong, a tidal wave of familiarity from the past hit her at full force. She always thought it was the accent that hindered him from saying it right but after hearing him utter her name in the same manner left a painful tug in her heart. Even after six years, he hadn’t forgotten her.

 

“Look, I think it’s in our best interest to not see each other anymore”, she said slowly failing to see the look of hurt in the other’s face. “I don’t see why you came for me but... but I’m not good for you anymore.” Insecurities was a bad mixture to someone whose emotion is already filled to the brim because once the cup is full, it’s the first one to spill out. So, before anything could be said, she pulled out of the grip that was lacking in its intention to keep her in place, and once again, Yixing lost his hold on her once more.

 

 

✿

 

 

When the clock struck 3 in the morning, Miya could’ve collapsed in front of the next nurse on duty at finally having the long weekend she was anticipating. Work had left her emotionally and physically exhausted. They lost another patient just an hour ago and even through the aggressive resuscitation, the patient couldn’t be revived anymore. Everyone knew it was coming; he was a very old man after all and he couldn’t anymore hold on to his life. It was inevitable that even the family, although sorrowful as they could be, have accepted the outcome solemnly.

 

When she finally emerged from breathing the air conditioned atmosphere of the hospital, the wind hadn’t let up and it’s even stronger than during daylight. She groaned a little at her luck. She doesn’t need this right now.

 

But she would rather walk the long journey to her apartment than have to subject another torture she experienced earlier today. Fortunately, or unfortunately, it wasn’t Yixing that met her at the parking lot in front of the hospital but the weird and handsome man he met the other day. She bowed a little while looking at him quizzically. “You’re out late, Mr...”

 

“Lu Han.” There was chattering through his teeth that it wasn’t hard to figure he’d been here for a while now. “I came to pick you up.” Miya raised an eyebrow at that. “Apparently, you know my colleague from a long time ago and he asked me this small request and since I owe him, here I am.” It was clear on his face that he didn’t want to be here, being forced to be woken in the wee hours of the morning because his best friend was whining at him that the girl he’s in love with refuse to look at his face made him seethe for a half an hour now in the cold.

 

“No, thank you”, Miya responded nonchalantly, spinning around on her heels before walking off. She wasn’t a damsel in distress, damnit. She’d been working for 2 years now in the same condition and she had fared well to this day, thank you very much. To be given such a service is an insult.

 

“Hey... Hey! Wait.”

 

‘Keep walking.’

 

“Look, if Lay knew you left without me, there’ll be problems for me in the morning and I waited here for you this entire time so you best be taking advantage of it.” That made her stop midstep and Lu Han felt himself gulp when fiery eyes shot him the look of the devil.

 

“For your information, I didn’t ask you to wait for me in the cold and in the dark”, she spat out, punctuating each word with every step she took towards the blonde. “You know, I get cranky when I’m tired and hungry so don’t let ME take advantage of what I’m capable of doing right now.” There was a painful jab of a finger on his chest reflecting a lot of anger and frustration that Lu Han was unable to do anything but stare down at her as she continued her rant about ‘stupid doctors, can’t even ing write aspirin legibly’ or something.

 

Finally, the storm finally passed leaving an over-fatigued girl, slumping against the surface of his car. There was an awkward stretch of the sound of beat-up, heavy breathing and nothing else that the blonde was even unsure of what to do.

 

“Fine! You know what? I think I would take advantage of that offer since you practically begged for it.” Miya didn’t wait for any response as she swung the door to the passenger seat and was still boiling in fury even when Lu Han sat next to her.

 

The drive, surprisingly, was spent in a comfortable, quiet atmosphere that calmed Miya’s nerves down little by little as the minutes passed and was thankful that Lu Han was staying unresponsive. She sighed when she, yet again, managed to vent her anger at someone. She made a mental note to apologize to Jongin for blaming him of these unfortunate events and for the dinner she wasn’t able to prepare for him.

 

It’s all that Goddamn Yixing’s fault! He always had been able to make her lose composure.

 

' IT! JUST STOP THINKING!'

 

“I’m sorry for reacting like that”, Miya began sincerely. “I’m also sorry that you went through the trouble of picking me up and had to endure my outburst.”

 

Lu Han slightly turned his head to get a glimpse of her before stopping over an intersection where the traffic light indicated a red. “It’s alright.” Although the memory of a while back still sent shivers to run through his body, he could clearly see how stressed out the other was from work that he had to act like a jerk when it wasn’t her fault in the first place.

 

Miya smiled slightly, albeit embarrassingly. She looked at him curiously when she noticed that there wasn’t any other car around for the need to follow the traffic law but she wasn’t going to risk it again.

 

“I think it’s pretty safe now, right?” Lu Han began to move the car by every inch and Miya panicked when something crash onto the side of the hood of the car and a body rolling over it, making a loud thump as it falls to the ground. Nobody moved, too shock to even comprehend what just happened. Did they just kill someone?

 

Miya didn’t know who screamed bloody murder first but before she knew it, there was pounding on the car window at Lu Han’s side to see a very angry girl shouting every obscenity capable in Korean that could send anyone’s grandparents to the grave.

 

“The is freakin’ wrong with you, asswipe! You in ran me over and now my bike’s bent! Get the out of there before I in’ smash your windshield and stab you in the eye!” The girl didn’t relent even at the shock faces she was receiving and continued her assault, at the very least, damaging the poor glass that was separating her and the said asswipe.

 

Miya noticed a slight scab on her forehead and a part of the hoodie she was wearing ripped at the bottom. The force of colliding with a moving vehicle might’ve slid her across the surface of the rough cement after rolling over the hood of the car but even through that accident, the girl seemed to be fine with all the shouting and all the violent actions.

 

‘This isn’t a human being. She’s a mutant.’

 

“Okay, okay! Hey! HEY!” Miya slid out of the car and was glaring at the teenager that momentarily ceased what she was doing and gave a glare of her own. “Did you kiss your mother with that mouth of yours?” What is with kids nowadays out at three in the morning?

 

The mutant snorted at the scolding and rolled her eyes in annoyance. “Don’t treat me like I’m some kind of kid you could just lecture around, so, off lady.”

 

That seems to have struck a nerve. In a few while, this mutant would surely regret messing with her.