I Saved Him

Today had started just like any other day for everyone else in the world but for you this would be the beginning of the end. Everything was coming to an end. You sat at the dining table in the apartment you shared with Jiyong holding the letter you had written for him in your hand. Your suitcase waited by the front door for you.

Not too long ago you’d received the news that had shattered your world. You were suffering from stage III ovarian cancer. At first you didn’t believe it - you were only twenty three years old for God’s sake! But soon enough you began to notice the truth yourself, from the random cramps that often made you cry out loud in pain to the bleeding that had started to occur more and more frequently. You felt like your whole life had been put on hold, every day you ran on auto pilot. You just went through the motions for the sake of going through the motions; you woke up, had breakfast, went to work, met your friends and kept in contact with Jiyong through calls, texts and the occasional video chat. But nothing really mattered anymore.

Earlier today you’d been to the hospital again to see if there was anything else the doctor could do - to see if you had any more options but you’d been told that from now all he could do was give you some more time. At the very most you had about seven more months to live. You supposed the only good thing was that Jiyong was away on tour, he didn’t have a clue what was going on with you. Whenever he called or Skyped you, you pretended to be the happy and cheerful girlfriend he knew and loved. It kind of hurt that he didn’t realise you were all faking it.

The letter you were holding was the letter that would set him free. He didn’t need to be looking after a sick and dying girlfriend when he had so many other things to do. He didn’t need to be mourning your death and carrying a heavy heart with him when he had so much life to live. He had thousands of people that looked up to him, admired him and depended on him. He had so much joy to give them and receive in return so you decided to leave him now before you left him forever and destroyed his happiness.

You walked around your apartment for the very last time, clutching the letter in your hand. You walked through the living room, ensuring you took every trace of your presence with you. You walked through the kitchen and made sure the fridge and the cupboards were fully stocked up for Jiyong. You walked into the bedroom to make sure you had taken all your pictures, gifts and clothes with you. You even made sure your side of the bed didn’t smell like you. You wanted him to carry on as though you hadn’t existed, as though your lives hadn’t touched. As you walked through the apartment you reminisced on all the good times.

You remembered your first kiss that you’d shared one night when he’d invited you around for a movie marathon not soon after you had started dating. The idiot had decided to make you watch Drag Me To Hell even though he knew how easily frightened you were. To this delight you spent the entire movie with your head buried in his chest. He held you close, whispered soothing words in your ears and ran his hands through your hair to calm you. When the movie had finished he’d tilted your head up and gave you a quick peck on the lips.

“I’ll always protect you, jagiya.” he’d told you.

You remembered the day you’d moved in with him. After you had brought all your boxes and suitcases in, with the help of the rest of the guys, and unpacked them you’d snuggled up on the sofa together. You sat on his lap and he had his arms wrapped around your waist with his head resting on your shoulder. You could feel his warm breath on your neck.

“These arms are where you belong, my jagiya.” he’d told you.

You remembered the first time you’d been sick and he’d looked after you. It had only been a small cold but he’d insisted that you stay in bed and not lift a finger. He had taken the day off work and really turned into Kwon Wife. You weren’t allowed to get up unless it was to go to the toilet and even then he insisted to carry you there with the excuse that you could faint at any moment. Even though his worrying was excessive it was sweet nonetheless to see how much he really did care for you. He cooked you chicken noodle soup and fed it to you. After you were done eating he your cheek and leaned down to kiss your feverish forehead.

“I’ll always look after you, jagi.” he’d told you.

You knew he meant every word. You knew that it would be difficult but he could hold it together. He would put every effort into looking after you and being there for you. He would cancel his schedule for the foreseeable future. He would probably announce your relationship to the public but you weren’t worried about all that. That wasn’t the issue; you were more worried about how he’d be once you left him.

You knew that when Jiyong fell in love he did so absolutely and from the stories you’d heard from Youngbae he didn’t take break ups too well so how would he deal with a death? You couldn’t imagine the grief he would go through after you were gone and you refused to do that to him. 

You stood at the door now with your suitcase in your hand. You’d left the letter on his pillow for him. You walked out, never looking back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few days later…

We’d arrived in the middle of the night from Singapore to avoid the masses though a few dedicated fans still waited for me to arrive. They gave me gifts and as soon as I was done taking pictures with them I left the airport without even picking up my luggage. I ran straight to the long term parking section and jumped in my car to drive home, too hurried to wait even a minute. I could hear my manager and some of the dance team laughing at my childish behaviour but I didn’t really care at that moment. It had been almost two month since I’d last seen my jagi face to face. Of course we would keep in touch while I was gone on tour but things like text messaging and video chatting could never make up for the real thing. I literally couldn’t wait to see her and I’m sure I broke a few traffic laws in my rush to get home.

I had this overwhelming sense of urgency, like I had to go home as soon as possible. It felt as though something was wrong and I did notice ___ had been looking a bit down lately but I didn’t want to say anything on Skype since I couldn’t comfort her myself.  I decided to listen to my gut feeling, since it had never been wrong and drove even faster.

I made it home in record time and I could already definitely tell something was wrong. It was just after 3am and the porch lights were turned off. ___ always made sure to leave the porch lights on, especially if she was staying home alone. Another sign that something was wrong was the fact that the mailbox seemed to overflowing as though no one lived here.

My heart stopped.

I jumped out the car, locked the doors and ran to the door. I opened the door with my shaking hands though it did take me a few tries. I ran through the hallways and into every room only to see the same thing, all the lights had been turned off and there was a very fine layer of dust on all the surfaces. Even worse, all of ___’s things were gone. Her clothes were gone, all of our pictures were gone and every single gift we’d ever exchanged was missing too.

My blood turned to ice.

Frantically I pulled my phone out my pocket, dialled 1 on speed dial and pressed the phone to my ear.

"The number you have dialled has been disconnected or is no longer in service..."

I threw my phone on the ground in anger and ran my hand through my hair. What had happened? Had she left me? I walked through each room again, sure that she wouldn’t just leave like this.

I came across a letter on my pillow.

She wouldn’t leave without a goodbye.

I sat on the bed, unfolded the letter and began to read…

“My dearest Jiyongie,

I don’t quite know how to tell you this. I suppose I should just say it, right?

I met someone else. Another man. And I’ve left you for him though I suppose you can already tell that by now.

Let me start from the beginning. I met him when you were on tour, I was so lonely and he was there for me. At first it was innocent, I promise - you know I’m not that kind of girl. I ran into him one day on the way to work and spilled my coffee all over him. I apologised profusely and was on the verge of tears when he calmed me down and convinced me it was alright. After that we would meet at the coffee shop occasionally and just talk about life. But before I knew it I had developed feelings for him. I found myself thinking of him instead of you. I blushed when he smiled at me. When I heard his name I got this warm feeling inside and when he touched me my blood turned to fire, just the way it was in the beginning with you.

I’m a horrible person, aren’t I? I had a boyfriend, a wonderful, perfect boyfriend that did nothing but love me. I shouldn’t be thinking of another man much less developing feelings for him! I felt guilty. I stopped talking to him.

So I was lonely yet again but this time it was by my own doing. I was sitting home reminiscing on the past; staring into the darkness like I did so often when I remembered something you’d told me when we first got together. When you first took me to YG, do you remember?

You had been telling me how much you had to sacrifice to get to where you are now and I had asked you why you’d even bothered. You’d chuckled softly and then you’d told me.

“Sometimes you have to do the hardest things in life to get the most beautiful things in life.”

You were right Jiyong. The hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life was leaving you but maybe now I can get the most beautiful thing in life – true love.

I’m sorry. I don’t know when my love for you faded but it did. I wish I could change it.

Jiyongie, I know you’re angry at me and most probably disappointed but that’s okay. I deserve all that but the thing I don’t want you to be is sad. I don’t want you to feel pain because of a personal as lowly as me.

I took everything. I don’t want you to walk around in your own home and be reminded of the fact that I couldn’t stay true to you. I want you to live like our lives never touched.

Forget about me because sometimes you have to do the hardest things in life to get the most beautiful things in life.

Mianhae.”

My heart broke into a thousand tiny pieces.  I couldn’t believe it was really over. I couldn’t believe it had gone this far without me realising. I mean what kind of boyfriend had I really been?  I folded the letter carefully back into its envelope and put into my drawer.

I laid down on her side of the bed that only smelt like fresh detergent. I wanted to cry and scream and shout but I couldn’t. I felt hollow. Like I was empty. Like my heart was gone. Like she’d taken it with her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

5 months later…

It had been a while since she’d left me. I was a lot better now but not the same time. Every now and then I would find myself doing something silly like dialling her number at the end of a long night of recording to tell her I was coming home. At times like those I wondered how she was. I hoped she was happy.

I stepped into the recording studio when the sombre faces of my members greeted me. I was confused but that confusion soon turned to shock. Daesung was crying in the corner and little Seunghyun was sat on the sofa with a pale face. My eyebrows furrowed but before I could say a single word Youngbae shoved the obituary page of the newspaper in my face.

Her picture.

“___recently died at the tender age of twenty three of terminal cancer. She had been suffering of the disease for six months and finally lost her fight on Friday night at 6pm at home surrounded by her family. May God bless her soul.”

I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t speak. Nothing made sense anymore. I felt myself slipping to the ground and the tears escaping my eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few days after I finally calmed down enough to come to my senses I decided to go visit her family and pay my respects but above all apologise. I had gotten along tremendously well with her mother and almost saw her as mine and though her father and I had our differences we still had mutual respect for one another.

When I knocked on her family’s door her mother pulled me in and hugged me. We sat on the sofa together crying for a long time. Her father sat on the arm chair and watched us silently though I swear I saw him wipe at his own eyes more than once. I apologised for letting her go, I apologised for not being there for her and I apologised for leaving her alone when most needed me.

They told that they didn’t blame me, she had been adamant about me not knowing despite their hardest efforts to persuade her otherwise. They told me that she didn’t want me to mourn her but rather forget her. I laughed at that point, how could I ever forget her? They told me about how quickly she had gotten sick and how miserable she’d been. They told me about all the pain she'd been through. They told me that doctor initially gave her longer to live but her body just couldn’t keep the fight up anymore.

Lastly they told me where she was buried.

It was beautiful and exactly how she would have wanted it - simple and understated but still beautiful.

I brought her flowers. Fawn lillies, her favourite. I laid them on her grave along with a letter.

 “Oh my dearest jagiya,

why did you have to be so stupid? I told you I would always be there for you. I told you I would always protect you. I told you that you belonged in my arms so why did you leave me? Why did you leave when you needed me the most?

Of course I know why. You always thought about other people before yourself. Instead of thinking about how ill you would get or the pain you would go through you thought about me and my pain. You left me to make things easier for me. You left me so I wouldn’t mourn you.

And I wouldn’t have mourned you had I not found out. It was in the newspaper, you know? In the obituary page. I came to the recording studio like on any other day but the guys looked so troubled. Before I had a chance to ask what was wrong they showed me the newspaper. The members must have read it before me because Daesung and little Seunghyun were devastated. They still hadn’t properly dealt with you leaving but to find out you were really gone was too much for the both of them. Big Seunghyun hasn’t really said a word since he’s found out and Youngbae hasn’t been much better though he’s been pretending he’s okay I’ve seen him cry a few times.

But that’s beside the point; I don’t want you to feel bad for what you had to do, I don't want you to feel guilty. I forgive you and the boys forgive you. Instead I want you to know that I will be sad and angry at you for a while but I will get better. I did it once so I can do it again.

I want you to know that I will let go one day but that I won’t ever forget you jagiya because you taught me that sometimes you have to do the hardest things in life to get the most beautiful things in life.

Mianhe.”

I kissed her headstone and then I walked away, never looking back.