Mood music: (x)

It was good that Dongwoo was my friend, because he was the one who helped me through the next person that I loved. Hoya, captain of the dance team. Though in hindsight, my experiences with him carry the slightest twinge of regret.

We met through mutual friends and somehow convinced ourselves that we both really liked each other. That first part of getting know each other and dating was all pretty easy. Predictable, but still romantic in its own way.

Then we began our relationship. And because we were each other’s first, there was one thing we both were especially curious about.

Physical relations.

At the time, we were sure we had all the ingredients for a strong relationship, with or without the physical aspect of it. But after a few months, it became pretty obvious to both of us that our personalities weren’t really compatible. He was headstrong, career-driven, and needed to focus on himself. And I guess I was just something on the side.

I initiated the conversation. And by its end, we were no longer a couple.

Though my time with Hoya left a scar on my heart, I still am thankful for my experiences. I can’t take back any of the things we did, but in a strange way, they have made me stronger. They made me realize what a relationship really was about. And though it took a long while to finally get over everything that happened (here, I really have to thank Dongwoo for talking me through), I finally feel that I’ve learned from my mistakes. That I have moved on.

Maybe, I could even start to think about opening my heart up again. Just one more time…

***

The music washed over me as I relived every aspect of my past relationships. The happiness. The sadness. The things I miss most. And for some, the things I still regret. And while I thought, I let my gaze fall to that boy sitting across me. Still reading intently, head propped up on one hand.

I continued to wonder about the boy. How he’s probably had his fair share of relationships too. Of dreams and hopes. Of goals. Of regrets. And maybe, in moments of quiet, he also listens to a sad song, and it makes him remember. Even if it is in the middle of a noisy, crowded airport, maybe he, too, is thinking about the ones he has loved. The ones he has lost.

Strange… I barely know you, but yet I feel deeply connected to you.

I recalled his friendliness as he took his seat. His smile was so bright, child-like and carefree. And in a way, it reminded me of my old friend Sungyeol. Of days under the summer sun.

Crave… I never had you, but yet I feel so lonely without you.

I eyed the way his fluffy hair fell across his forehead, and the way he sat so confidently in his chair. Somehow, there was still an air of mystery about him. Like Myungsoo had. And I wondered if he, too, had a surface iciness that he could melt away with warm words and kind acts.

Safe… I barely know you, but yet I feel secure when I’m with you.

He looked up from his book once more. I didn’t look away again, but this time, I did feel a slight breeze of embarrassment that he caught me staring. But he just smiled warmly again. And my humiliation evaporated. It felt okay, comfortable even, to be sitting across him and looking at him. As if I was sitting across Dongwoo while we enjoyed a cup of coffee.

Strange… I don’t even know you, but yet I feel so strong and bold when I’m with you.

 Suddenly, the boy shut his book and slowly stood up. Our eyes were still locked, and he was still smiling, though his expression was cautious, as if he was unsure. Then, he started walking toward me, and I noted a hint of athleticism in his gait. And it reminded me of Hoya. The person who I regret so much with, but who also taught me about what a relationship, what love, should really be about.

Beautiful stranger…

Beautiful stranger…

Beautiful stranger…

Before I knew it, I stood up too. And I walked slowly over to him, matching his careful stride. Until, suddenly, we were standing immediately before each other. And all at once, I saw in him everyone I once loved, every high I once felt, every tear I once cried, and every little thing I once held dear.

The music played in my ear, and seemed to reverberate into the deepest corners of my heart. Where all the someones of my past lived. Tucked away, but now, being pulled to the surface, as if I was finally ready to set them free.

I know it sounds a little strange, but it will never be the same.

It will never be the same.

It will never be the same.

It will never be the same.

The boy before me gave a deep chuckle. Then, ever so gently, he pulled the earbuds out of my ear.

“Hello.”

~

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